Not being productive enough......

Grace - posted on 03/19/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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So, My husband is in the Navy. He works some long hours usually, from about 6am to 5 or 6pm. A lot of what he does with his job in the Navy is not very easy. Though they do spend a lot of time just sitting around too (one of the Navy's joke mottos is Hurry up and Wait). The problem I'm having is that when he gets home sometimes I haven't cleaned EVERYTHING in the house, maybe there are a few dishes in the sink, or I forgot about the laundry etc... He gets a little upset at me for it. Thinking that I don't do anything at all during the day. But I do a lot during the day. Just sometimes I can't get to everything. I am a stay at home mom, our daughter is 9 months old. We have three cats, a dog and three ferrets... as well as two fish tanks and a bearded dragon. So there are plenty of daily things I have to do with them. I find myself sweeping at least twice a day, all that fur gets every where! The baby of course is demanding (but I love it).



It just seems that he doesn't see that being a stay at home mom IS work. Because even when my husband gets home each day I STILL have chores to do. I still have to cook dinner, and clean up from dinner, clean up anything else that needs to be cleaned. Bathe and feed the baby and get her ready for bed. I'm basically doing everything. And when I ask him to do something for me he will 'complain' about it for the most part. Basically when he gets home from work all he wants to do is sit on his butt in front of the TV and play video games or watch TV. I'm so glad the weather is getting warmer now so that we can go outside. He does play with the baby a lot. But when it comes down to actually feeding her, or changing her diaper or anything like that he doesn't want to do it. He will, but he'll grumble about it.



I've already gone through a few bouts of depression with just being overwhelmed with everything. And when the baby wanted to stop breastfeeding at 6 months I was really really depressed. I just wish he'd open up his eyes and see that I am up and about all day doing housework and taking care of the baby. Shoot, normally I don't even turn the TV on at all during the day.



Sigh. Thanks for letting me vent.



Grace

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Tracy - posted on 03/19/2010

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Hi Grace,

I am new to being at home from having worked full-time. I was at home for 8 years when the kids were little, and now they are almost grown, and I need more time with them! Anyway, my heart breaks for you to read your post. My sister-in-law is married to a Marine, and while I admire his willingness to serve, his personality is SO similar to your description of your husband, it is SCARY. He doesn't appreciate all the work she does at home, and he gets agitated when he has to do any work around the house. She even mows the 1 acre lawn because he won't do it. He sits on his butt and drinks on the weekends. Her kids are older than yours by a long shot, so they can actually help out around the house.



I think some men are oblivious to all the work it takes to maintain a home. Their moms did it for them when they were growing up, and they expect their wives to keep things going for them as they get older. Have you sat down with your husband and outlined everything you do all day? Have you told him that you need his help or at least a break? If he is as military-minded as you say, maybe it would help to make a log of everything you do each day for a week. Show it to him and tell him you cannot go on this way. Something needs to change. Either he can help you, or you can hire some help. Get a sitter to watch the baby once a week so you can have some time to rest or do what you want to do. Explain to your husband that you cannot do it all and still remain mentally stable. Nobody could do all that you do and expect to be happy and fulfilled in life. You have no time to yourself or to recharge yourself.



I hope it all works out for you! God bless you for all that you do for your family!

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Alicia - posted on 03/19/2010

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I am also a Navy wife and know what you are going through. We are stationed in Japan right now and they are gone all the time. So I don't think it's too much to ask that the little time they are home for him to help me even by just watching our 2 year old and playing with her. I get the "well I'm the one working all day" bit and I just look at him like "you don't think what I do it work?" He does tell me often that he could never do what I do but then he just doesn't offer to help when he is home. When he is underway he likes to tell me he will watch our daughter so I can have a day off or something along those lines but when it actually comes time to man up he doesn't. We've been getting into a lot of fights lately. So I totally know how you feel. Military wives have it rough. Hope something works for you and if it does pass on the love.

Christy - posted on 03/19/2010

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So often I hear this same thing whether or not mom's hubbies are in the military or not. They don't seem to get it until they have to do all the mom has to do. I know your husband works a lot, but maybe going out of town ALONE and leaving him a to do list, MAY help. It's the redundancy that they don't get. It can be mundane to stay home and take care of the baby(ies) and all the other things! Also, he may be stressed at work and is totally taking it out on you. Go out with him, alone and get a sitter for the baby. Talk to him. Make eye contact and don't let it get to the point of arguing. Be sure you are at a place where he HAS to talk. If you are at home, it's too easy for him to worm his way out and go do something else. Maybe if you go to "his type of place" to talk, it will be better, even if it's a pool hall, bar, etc. Just be sure none of his pals or co workers are there. I know I sound like I am rambling, LOL. I hope it gets better for you.

Tracy - posted on 03/19/2010

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When I was working at the hospital, our department wasn't operating very efficiently. We all felt like we had too much work to do and not enough hours in the day to do them. My boss said we needed to document what our problems were so that she could have "data" to show the administration that we were in need of help. We thought documenting would just be one more thing we had to do in the day, but she printed up some spreadsheets with the top 10 most common problems we were having and just asked us to make tick marks in the columns where we had problems. It worked great, and she was able to use that information to redesign our schedules so that we had more help at certain times of the day and less when it wasn't so busy.



I say all this to say that it is possible to create a list of what you normally do in a day and just make a small mark when you do it. Granted you shouldn't have to do any of this at all, but if it works to make your husband see that you need help, maybe it will be worth it after all.

Grace - posted on 03/19/2010

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I have set him down before to tell him how I've felt and for a while he's great. But then he starts to grumble again. I've thought about writing everything down... But that'd just be one more thing for me to remember to do! lol.



I appreciate your comment though. It means a lot to me. It's tough being a military wife, I have no family very near to us and it's tough to make now friends at every duty station. I wouldn't change my life for anything though.

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