not sure how to make things better between fiance' ??

Ticia - posted on 08/29/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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for the past couple yrs it seems like mike my fiance' has become so much more controlling an has to have say about all that happens, an what goes on or does not go on for that matter !! i am no sure how to handle these things at first i admit i was wrong i use to react when he would do things to push my buttons..but i got myself together enough to not re-act to all the hurtful things he does an says ..not for my sake for our 5 yr old daughters i did not wanther seeing or hearing the bad arguments we use to have when she was way too small to know what was going on..when she was a baby! i do not ever want her to hurt or feel all the sad emotions i feel from what goes on between mike an i. i never do anything wright, i am stupid, he calls me such horrible cuss words it is un-real..an like 2 seconds after being so ignorant an rude to me he can try an say he loves me an wanna try an hug me..i cannot help but pull away..all i hear is the awful things u said before u tried to say u love me..i cannot even understand how we got this way..it never was like this i the first few yrs we were together...we have been together for almost 7yrs now..i love my daughter with all my heart an i would endure hell an back for her to be happy !! i have asked him to go talk to a therapist or someone else to try n get some help an understanding for what is going on ..but all i get is there is nothing wrong with me..must be with you!! i lost my mother about 9mos ago an she was my true rock that helped me so much with things..an now that she is gone an he truly does not give any kinda comfort to me in trying to cope with her loss..but i sure helped him when he lost his g-mother who meant the world to him..i only want love an caring with some respect..that u give him !! he use to be my best friend an lover..we could lay an talk for hrs about nothing an something..we did so many things together...now he is the one who does things with friends..i go no where an do nothing like that..i an extremely happy to be home with my daughter an would never want that to change..but i just wanna a little time for me..an i would love sometime with the man i fell so much in love with..i just have no idea how to do those things anymore !! i am so sad an stressed at times i spend a lot of time after i do anything my daughter needs held p in my bedroom sad crying and an emotional mess it is un-real !! any advice would be appreciated !! thanks for listening...

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Jenni - posted on 08/30/2011

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Why would you want your daughter thinking that this is a normal relationship?

Why would you want to risk her growing up and thinking it's normal for a man to call her names, disrespect her and not stand up for herself?

Children learn from our actions more than our words. They grow up believing the life they see in their home is the norm. So why would you want an abusive, controlling relationship for you daughter?



Why would you think that watching her step father (is it?) call her mom names and treat her badly would be what's best for her?



I would suggest finding a support group for women of abusive spouses and getting out of this relationship ASAP. It seems he has warped you and your world beyond recognition to the point you don't know whether you're up or down. This is not a normal, healthy, happy relationship.



You have no control over others, you cannot change them. The only person you have control over is yourself, and you are the only person who can change.

Cathlene - posted on 09/01/2011

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Ticia,
Most of what I say, I think you already know. Staying home with your daughter is a wonderful thing, but if you are being mentally abused its not helping you or her. She is learning about relationships from you and your fiance. Do you really want to marry someone who already treats you badly? You sound like a beautiful, intelligent woman and fantastic mother!! I bet you learned that from your mother. You have two legs and you stand on them everyday on your on. What does he do for you, that you cant do for yourself? Look around you....are you still going to stay in this home, in this relationship for another twenty years? If so its time to make some changes. Set goals for yourself and for your expectations in the relationship. No one can tell you to leave your fiance or to stay. You know whether it is worth saving or whether its time to walk away.

Lisa - posted on 09/01/2011

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I know it has been hard since losing your Mom, I lost my Mom when I was 23 yrs.old to cancer, she was 43, and I just had a baby. My life changed forver, I couldn't have gotten through it if it wasn't for my faith, God was with me every step of the way. I was a single Mom, just like you....I know you love your fiance', but if he doesn't get help, you need to put yourself and your daughter first, she won't hate you, she is just a little girl and kids are very adaptable. Maybe if you do the right thing, he will see that he needs to make changes in his life. If it is meant to be, it will work out....get your life right with God first and he will guide your steps. My life changed when I met my husband, we have been together for 19 yrs. We lived together for 4 years, and it was a struggle because I was a new Christian and I knew I was not living the life God had for me because we were not married. Now I didn't have the issues you are having, my husband is a wonderful man, but didn't want to get married because he had a horrible marriage before. I decided to trust God and I left, I figured if this is God's will for my life, it will work out. Leaving helped my husband realized that we both loved each other and needed one another and we both had to make changes in our life. We got back together 2 months later and then married 3 weeks later.....I shared this with you, because I put my life right with God, he worked it out and blessed our marriage and it has been a wonderful journey these last 19 yrs. I will be praying for you and your daughter....God Bless

Courtney - posted on 08/31/2011

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Seroquel and cymbalta are the 2 that helped my husband but h understands that he has to stay on it even when he feels fine.

Mary - posted on 08/30/2011

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there is a cylce where someone is prone to abuse even though they weren't brought up that way too. it's not being dumb and no one will understand why you ended up in abusive relationtionship. i do beleive somehow just as an abuser is not necessarily raised there is a link to the genes. not a proven theory that i have heard, however in my case, i was adopted by a wonderful family no one had been abused or victims however i had been in a relationship that was abusive. i didn't understand until years later after remarrying my current husband and finding my biological family most of them have been victims of abuse too, this is why i do believe some genetic form happens to people and they can tend to end up as victims in abusive relationships. . as far as blaming yourself, the victim you cannot do so and neither can anyone else for that matter, it's not your fault. get some help with a local abused victims support groups they are out there. i mentioned early places to search for those on. also domesticcrimewatch is all news articles giving the many stories of what can and has happened across the country do to domestic/staing violence. asap do this b/c the longer you wait the harder your life will get. they won't tell you to leave him however they will guide you and prepare you for what to expect. only you can be the one to decide what you really want to do no one can say you have to do it. it's all up to you now. good luck. its an uphill battle but you can get out and be strong. i know been there done that and i am here today thankfully and hopefully advising you to get out and recieve help.

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Lucia Susan - posted on 09/01/2011

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The first poster said pretty much what I was thinking while I read your post. Staying with someone who treats you this way is not what is best for your daughter. And I assure you, it does not make her happy. It only normalizes what is happening in her mind and will most likely have her end up in the same type of relationship when she's older.

If your daughter was all grown up and she was treated this way by her partner, what would you advise her to do?

Ticia - posted on 08/31/2011

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mike's mother an g-mother both have forms of depression an his mother has by-polar an she gets really bad at times..i am not making any excuses for him at all..but he was diagnosed with depression from his family dr an they wanted him to see a specialist that dealt with that .. get therapy of some kind plus he needed to be on some kind of medicine he can be really hype an really down an actually crying ..it is hard to see his moods be like that..an after his g-mother passed who practically was like his mom since him an his own mother have such a turbulent relationship..its been way off with him...an it is really hard to see if it is because of whats going on medically with him an grief is truly making him be this way or is he just being a true jerk..i wish he would get help an if i have to go to some drastic measures i am willing too..things have to change an someone on here said i sounded like i was sending out a cry for help since i am sharing this with total strangers..i think i am doing that...an i truly appreciate all everyone has said to me an it really has helped me in thinking how an what to do to make things better for myself an my daughter..i am worried if the time comes an we would have to leave him i would not want her to hate me an i so hope she under stands i did it for the wright reasons an was not trying to hurt her at all intentionally ..i know i have a very smart understanding little girl an i know she knows wright from wrong an good from bad..so im hoping it all turns out ok...i am giving a choice a final time to get into some kinda treatment or help that he needs for what is wrong an a time period to do it in..an if he still refuses then i have to keep to the fact that bria an i will have to move out or he will which ever we decide an stick to it..i know if he got help things would change a great deal so...if he does not ..we cannot be together an that sounds easy to do but i know it will not be...i just have to get my head wright self together an keep with it...i miss my mother so much an the past 9-10 mos since losing her have really been hard !!

Courtney - posted on 08/31/2011

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My husband used to be similar, not violent but verbally abusive. We went to therapy and it turns out he's type 2 bipolar, I'm not making excuses but a mental problem is something to consider. Since we found the right combination of medicines we havent had any problems And he's been the perfect husband and father for 6 years.

Lisa - posted on 08/31/2011

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You know the answer already Ticia, and what you need to do, if you stay you are putting yourself and your daugther in harms way. Look at all the doubts and examples you have posted and shared with complete strangers, this is a cry for help, get out now. I know it won't be easy, but you will see that life is good and worth fighting for, if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. He will NOT change, and it WILL get worse...I have a friend that shared with me something that changed my life, "stop complaining about something you are willing to tolerate"...do something about it!

Carol - posted on 08/30/2011

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I think these types of guys take a class or something cause it's the exact same. My ex would be great in front of everyone else and a perfect father. Except when I finally decided to leave. Then he thought it was perfectly okay to tell my 7 year old stepson that it was because I wanted to keep sleeping with all the men that came over all the time. My stepson bought it. I ran a home daycare. The men were the kids' fathers and I never did more than shake their hands when we first met. I tried to tell my stepson that it wasn't true, but since I didn't live with him anymore, he took his dad's words over mine. After my split I realized that all the horrible stuff he told me about my stepson's mother were probably lies. He said the same stuff about me. Be ready to defend yourself against his lies - to your family and friends. True friends will believe you, the rest you don't need.
And no, you weren't stupid. People fall in love with parts of people all the time and I guess we are blinded to the bad parts until they smack us in the face. It's not your fault that he treats you like that, but you do have a choice to take it.

Mary - posted on 08/30/2011

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hi tricia,
as i read your post it brought back past memories of what i'd once went through. my first husband was abusive to me. we began dating when i was in high school. at 16 i was attending a private boarding school and had no idea that i was in a violent relationship at the time. this type of abuse is only the beginning. most cases start off emotional than turn much worse. when i was twenty six and pregnant with my second child, he actually had the never to use me to pay back a drug pay off. yes,things changed in those tens years and yes, he used drugs and drank alot hardly ever home. that night he came home early with a friend they were out drinking after work had cocaine and than came back to our place. my than four year old daughter was asleep while we were the living room. since my ex had done what he wanted me for and his friend mostly watched it was left as a domesitc situation no charges ever were able to be made. i left him moved back in with my parents, with a four year old and five months pregnant. i thought things were going to get better but instead they got continually worse and worse in those ten years we were together. it's been over 18 years now and i am okay. i survived remarried and moved on. now when i hear stories like yours i tell mine. i hope to make some difference to others who are going through what i once had gone through. emotional abuse is the first step and no it doesn't get easier or better only worse. i am living proof of that. it does get only better getting out, recieving help right away and than you can move on with your life and your daughters life without your abuser fiance'
look up RAIINN.org or other organiations on line read up on them and you will see exactly what i just told you. so many stories are out there. also check out domesticcrimewatch.com
good luck. it's taking the first step and getting out that will make a brighter future for you and your little one. she doesn't need to see any more that harm has already been started. i know b/c i have two kids both were affected in ways i see now even though one wasn't even born yet. think about what i am telling you and do what your heart tells you it's only what you want to do no one can make you. there is a phone call only you can make.

Brianna - posted on 08/30/2011

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wow your husband sounds JUST LIKE MINE! my hubby calls me names and snaps on me and everything & anything is my fault! he also has become very controlling and i never do anything right. im not sure what to do about it either.. but just know your not alone cuz im in the same boat to. if u ever wanna talk msg me :)

Ticia - posted on 08/30/2011

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i absolutely do not want my daughter to think being treated wrong is ok..but the funny thing is h acts one way when someone else is around ..like when others are around he acts all nice to me an tries to be lovey with me..an it is well hidden from our daughter how he treats me he has gotten very good at what he does..an i fell so stupid for letting it go on thinking i can help things get better between us yes mike is bria's father not step dad...an the crazy part is he is good with her .he does all the wright the wright caring loving fatherly things a dad should do ..this is what confuses me so much how an why did he end up treating me like this ?? after his g-mother passed he has become more bitter an snappy to me like i cause all the wrongs in the world but if you were a stranger on the outside looking in you would think all is fine an we are ok...there is no yelling in front of bria an he is very careful with what he says in front of people as far as making himself look bad by saying the things he says to me when it is just us..i guess he was always this way but it never seemed like it from the start ..i dunno i wish eh would get some kinda help i know by polar an depression runs in his family big time an i know he needs to do something to get his self straight...but i know i am working on myself ..i have a therapist an i have started finding out info about how an what to do to change my living situation an i just hope when an if he time comes it all works out for the best for all of us !!! have i been blind to his manipulative ways all along am i stupid for falling for him why could i not see these things before..what blinded me from seeing these things ?? i keep asking myself this ...i would not change anything cause that may change the fact i would have never been given my daughter an i could not imagine my life with out her ..so i do not mean to say change things that far but just enough that was there signs i never seen or what was it that made me not hear how he really was ?? i could drive myself crazy asking this an where would it get me,..no where so all i can say is i am hoping for the best an will have to find the strength to do what i have to do for myself an bria...that is so much easier said then done....but i am gonna try with all my might to make things better with or with out him i have too an i keep reminding myself this !!!

Carol - posted on 08/30/2011

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A fiance should not be treating you this way. I was you and Nicole. My ex-husband was horribly verbally abusive and controlling and my dad was the same as Nicole's, only he didn't hit my mother, just us. Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical. Your daughter is old enough now to see it. How she will take it and carry it into her life depends on her whole life experiences. I can tell you without a doubt that she will understand and respect you more later if you either get him to a counselor (which you say he won't) or leave. She may hate you at first, but as an adult she'll be able to understand what happened. My mom waited 34 years before she left. She died 5 months ago a much happier person and with the support and love of all 4 of us kids. My dad decided to come to her funeral and then declare us all disrespectful and cut off all ties to 3 out of 4 of us (no loss there). His treatment of her left one never entering into a serious relationship. One never having kids so he doesn't pass on Dad's lessons. One as bitter and hateful as he is and swearing not to have kids. And then me who followed in my mom's footsteps as a loving SAHM. My difference is that I got out of my first marriage after 5 years of abuse. My guess is that your fiance did not change overnight. I'd guess that he had the controlling ways and hints of verbal abuse all along. If you are like me, you laughed them off since noone can really be like that. He must be joking. Then the "joking" got meaner and meaner and one day you realized that they weren't jokes. And the control went from gentle comments to nagging and constant ridiculing so much that it's just better all around to do what he wants. My ex said the exact same as yours did. It wasn't him, it was me. It's not you! Now I've been married to a great guy for just about 12 years. Everything we do is for the good of the 2 of us and our kids. We take time for ourselves. We take time just for the 2 of us. We take time for our whole family. We occasionally get mad at the other, but I can count on 1 hand the number of times we've yelled at eachother or disrespected eachother. Life should not be lived in fear and pain and constant sadness. You and your daughter deserve better.

Nicole - posted on 08/30/2011

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i would have to agree with the above. my mom tells me all the time she should have left my dad when we were young but didnt cause she felt we needed a dad and it was important that we had one and that we were taken care of cause he made good money.....

i can remember my mom getting called names i can remember seeing my dad belittle her and chocking her by the neck up against the wall...he did that to all of us. had us on the floor and kicked us repeatedly me being 5 and my sister 7. got kicked cause a speaker for the computer fell to the floor no where near us fell as we ran by playing. i was told that i should have been aborted by him cause no one wanted me and the only ones that did were dead.( my moms parents, my gma and gpa)

the freaky thing was i found a guy i dated for 4 years and my mom swears cause it was all that i knew to be normal. my mom hated him but guess who loved him as they were peas in a pod????

it has an effect and to this day i still tell people im sorry even for when things are not my fault i will apologize for "senseless" things as other people see them.

my Significant other some times has a hard time with me constantly apologizing and how i behave from time to time he will ask am i your dad? am i ryan?? No?? ok stop, stop acting like that...because i will get extremely passive start apologizing for everything under the sun and then just walk away for some time. and the little things can easily bring me to tears.

you dont want this for your daughter. that is not normal. now that i am with my SO laughter has been the norm and loving our daughter is priority. it was hard to adjust to( im just now starting to lose some of my bad habits almost 3 years after being with him ) . even my mom had a hard time adjusting to normalcy after 26 years and finally leaving. its funny how some times my mom and i will get together and talk about how life would be so much different had she left sooner. you dont want those conversations you dont want your daughter to ask you why you stay there will come a point when she will ask you about his behavior and why you take it once they start teaching right and wrong in school and how you should treat others and about relationships. and she probably notices something isnt right. we knew it was not right we knew other families didnt act like ours there was just no way out. we were stuck till i was in 7th and my sister in 9th grades. our way out was when our mom announced she was leaving...more like our father announced it and i was happy rather then broken like most children in a divorce. it was to late though the damage had been done =/

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