please help my ex wants to see my 3 boys after 5yrs of not seeing them . what should i do ?

Rachel - posted on 09/02/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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my ex wants to see my boys after not seeing them for 5 yrs . the youngest is only 5 and thinks that my partner is his dad and i dont want to upset the boys by letting there dad back into there lives just to have him walk out again , what should i do ? please help .

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MacKenzie - posted on 09/02/2009

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Quoting Kimberly:

MacKenzie, no offense, but the father has rights. If he feels he is not getting anywhere with Mom, he may take her to court and get court ordered visitation, depending how badly he really wants to see them. Once it becomes a legal battle, it can get very nasty. I had the same issue with my bio daughter. If bio dad is not interested, it's his loss.
My step daughter has lots of behavioral issues after seeing her bio mom for her once monthly visit too, but you have to expect that. The kids are angry and sad. But that's why you are there to explain things.
Karen has a great idea. It will, hopefully, help bio dad see that his absence/neglect of his kids is unacceptable. If he really wants to see them, he will do anything to make it happen.
Explaining to the kids might be a sticky issue. See what kind of child counseling is available in your area; a therapist may have a way to help explain it all. Include your ex in that as well. He will do it if he wants to see them.
Good luck!



 



Yes, I understand that. But if by means he does take her to court, she can tell them that he has had no contact in 5 years and the judge will not be very happy and likely not side with the father. Especially if they explain that there is someone they call daddy. The court looks out for the well being of children, not what parents want. And I am sure they would see all of that. And if they do go ahead with the visitations, then her partner won't be hurt by her for letting her ex see the boys cuz she obviously had no control over any of it. I am just saying  that you don't want to cause heartache in your present relationship. And if the ex takes her to court, then I guess that proves he really does want something to do with his children, that he is sacrifcing money and time to see his boys. And usually courts set the parents up with a mediation counselor and they all talk over who gets what and which holidays etc. etc. So it;s not like you don't have any say in the visitation agreement.





 

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Jennifer - posted on 09/05/2009

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It doesn't work like that. If the father has not signed over his rights to the children then he has rights to see those children.You just can tell him no. I have been there and that is not how it works. My ex was not a very good father and it took several court battles to get a judge to see what was going on and my ex has since signed over rights to both of my children and my husband has adopted them.

Ashly - posted on 09/05/2009

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hi there, if this helps, i would say no to your ex. your kids are happy and setteled, he should of thought about them before he walked out of there lifes.

Lindsey - posted on 09/04/2009

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im not going to tell you what to do but i will tell you what i did do first i got an attorney and then i talked to a child physcologist and then with what those two ppl decided but i do beleive they have the right to know there father however its bad for the child if he keeps doing the great disappearing act i have a father that only wants to see his daughter when he has a girfriend i took him to court and he has to visit her on the weekends and if he refuses visitation other than an emergency he can be forced to give up his rites due to the welfare of the child judge ordered but when the child reaches a certian age and wants to contact her dad she can but he cant make contact with her until she makes contact with him first. hope that this will help you and good luck and keep me posted

Natasha - posted on 09/02/2009

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Just be careful, you don't want to deny total visitation because if for some reason this does go to court and he can prove that you kept his children away from him, it can get really nasty. I think you need to get to know him again, see what he is about, and talk to your partner like mentioned above. But make sure if your ex wants to see them again that he doesn't just walk away after the children get to know him, that would be really hard on your kids. I would talk to him and make sure he understands that it is a commitment before you let him see the children. Then let him decide if he can handle it. Good luck to you though. I really hope it all works out for all of your family.

MacKenzie - posted on 09/02/2009

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Quoting valerie:






Quoting MacKenzie:

I would also like to add to what I said... Maybe you should talk to your partner and ask what he thinks. Because this could really hurt your partner and could turn to hurting your relationship. My husband gets very hurt when My sons dad even attempts calling, I've seen him cry over it.. So, I have come to the point that my son calls him daddy and that means alot to my husband. So just be careful and see what your partner thinks :)






 






I would have to agree MacKenzie, I use to cry all the time when my husband's ex wife tried to come back in the picture and be a mom to kids after no contact, and I had cared for them since devri was a baby. It hurts to know someone is trying to take a bond you have formed away.. i hope this is the right way to reply to someone, I have never done this before.



 



 



Thank you. I try to look out for people's relationships because everyone needs someone else. And it really does effect your relationship..








 





 

Kimberly - posted on 09/02/2009

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MacKenzie, no offense, but the father has rights. If he feels he is not getting anywhere with Mom, he may take her to court and get court ordered visitation, depending how badly he really wants to see them. Once it becomes a legal battle, it can get very nasty. I had the same issue with my bio daughter. If bio dad is not interested, it's his loss.
My step daughter has lots of behavioral issues after seeing her bio mom for her once monthly visit too, but you have to expect that. The kids are angry and sad. But that's why you are there to explain things.
Karen has a great idea. It will, hopefully, help bio dad see that his absence/neglect of his kids is unacceptable. If he really wants to see them, he will do anything to make it happen.
Explaining to the kids might be a sticky issue. See what kind of child counseling is available in your area; a therapist may have a way to help explain it all. Include your ex in that as well. He will do it if he wants to see them.
Good luck!

Valerie - posted on 09/02/2009

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Quoting MacKenzie:

I would also like to add to what I said... Maybe you should talk to your partner and ask what he thinks. Because this could really hurt your partner and could turn to hurting your relationship. My husband gets very hurt when My sons dad even attempts calling, I've seen him cry over it.. So, I have come to the point that my son calls him daddy and that means alot to my husband. So just be careful and see what your partner thinks :)



 



I would have to agree MacKenzie, I use to cry all the time when my husband's ex wife tried to come back in the picture and be a mom to kids after no contact, and I had cared for them since devri was a baby. It hurts to know someone is trying to take a bond you have formed away.. i hope this is the right way to reply to someone, I have never done this before.





 

MacKenzie - posted on 09/02/2009

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I would also like to add to what I said... Maybe you should talk to your partner and ask what he thinks. Because this could really hurt your partner and could turn to hurting your relationship. My husband gets very hurt when My sons dad even attempts calling, I've seen him cry over it.. So, I have come to the point that my son calls him daddy and that means alot to my husband. So just be careful and see what your partner thinks :)

Valerie - posted on 09/02/2009

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I understand your concerns all to well. Trusting your ex is the first step. Do you trust his lifestyle, his friends, or new partner? Explain to your ex that in his absence someone has taken on the role of dad and he can't take that away from the boys or your partner. Have him start with sending letters to the boys, then if he does that maybe try phone calls. If you believe he truly wants that relationship then you can see what your kids think? Do they want to talk or see him? Another thing is if they choose to see or talk to the biological dad, have your partner sit and talk to the boys. Having him explain that he will always be there and that it is ok to like their biological dad. My older two boys dads walked in and out of their lives and it is truly upsetting the kids, but they knew no matter what that my husband was always going to be their dad. I guess it is choice you have to make from your heart. Is the biological dad trustworthy enough now? If you choose to let him in make it the last chance, because some people deserve second chances, but that's it. I hope you can find a solution that is good for you and your family. I have two boys that have went thru this, plus my two younger children's biological mother has went through her second chance, so I understand your heartache in making a decision, but I am here if you need to talk.

Karen - posted on 09/02/2009

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I think them knowing who he is is important... if he is ready to be a part of their lives and take on the responsibility that comes with that. But I think you should test the waters before your throw your boys into it without a life jacket.

Here is what I did after 4 years of absolsutely no contact from my bonus kids' egg donor... when she started calling asking to see the kids, we made a deal with her... she had to prove herself to us first, then prove herself to the kids. We asked that she call us... not the kids... regularly for a period of time (we started with once a week for 2 weeks, then bumped it to twice a week for 2 more weeks... same time and day each week). Only AFTER this, did we even mention her to the kids. At that pont, we explained that she had been calling regularly so far and offered that the next time she called, they could speak to her IF THEY WANTED TO. It took a time or two, but eventually they all did. After about a month of talking to her on the phone, the kids decided they were ready to see her.

MacKenzie - posted on 09/02/2009

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I thnk this is a very bad idea. This will confuse your boys and they will not know what to think. I am dealing with this and when my son seen his real dad we started having a lot of behavioral problems. Especially if there is another man in your life helping with your kids that is even more of a bad idea. I would let your ex know that if he wanted something to do with them, then he should have been there from the get go. Your boys can always make the decision later on in life if they want him around. You just need to look out for the well being of your children. You are their only person that can help them, so make sure you know what you're getting into. I hope I am helpful, I am not trying to tell you what to do, just giving you my oppinion and what I have had to go through. Maybe sitting down and writing a pro/con list would help. Hope this gets worked out! :)

Kristi - posted on 09/02/2009

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okay, that is bittersweet. I would meet at a public place, like McDonalds or maybe a park. If the boys are of age to know the difference, ask them first. They may not want to see him. please let us know and keep us posted!

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