please help problems with the hubby

Melissa - posted on 09/30/2009 ( 166 moms have responded )

0

0

2

I have a very stressful life, and mostly unhappy. I know i shouldnt have to feel like this, but i am not sure what else i can do, thought maybe someone could give me some good advice.

I love my husband, but at times i just want to give up and say enough is enough, He use to be physical abusive, @ times he still is, and very verbal abusive in genral. Nothing seems to make him happy, if it isnt his way is no way. I am tired of being afiaid and he knows i am. I shouldnt have to feel this away at all. mainly i know you cant change a person, but i want to make him see how he treats me. its not fair, i didnt want this all i wanted was love.

the yelling just use to be @ home, but the other night at the grocery store he had the courage i guess you could say to yell at me infront of everyone, because i grabbed something and put it in the cart, that he didnt like. he was yelling at me telling me to shut up. i just wanted to cry, but i held it all in. i am embarassed that he thought he has the right to do this to me.......

i know my daughter that is four doesnt need to hear all of this but yet he still goes on and on. he goes off about stupid things such as- he pays the bills everything is hes, and then he thinks he has the right of what i can eat. I am tired of being calling bad names, that i am not,

someone please give me some good advice to make him see clearly he needs to treat me alot better

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Laura - posted on 09/30/2009

11

16

0

Melissa, it saddened me to read your post. No one should have to live with such a lack of respect. I don't believe that your husband will change because you want him to. It sounds like he needs a "heart" change, and the One who can accomplish this is Jesus Christ. I don't know if you are a believer in Christ, but He changes lives, and has changed mine for the better. If you have questions about this, find a good, Bible believing church near you, and visit. A pastor can help you, and show you what I'm talking about. It will be the best decision of your life. Once you have Christ in your life, He will take care of you, and lead you in your decisions.

Rhianna - posted on 09/28/2010

19

31

0

Right not to be cruel here, but I went through a very bad physical, mental and verbal abusive relationship when I was 15 I was young and vulnerable. I left him when I was 17 when i realised that i am stonger in the midn than he is. Men who control women by physical or mental abuse, are in fact cowards inside. they use control and force because they are weakest and vulnerable and have no other way of getting control of themselves so they look to control others. And you should in theory just packl up and leave, i know it hard because you love him and you have a four year old. but in my opinion you need to start thinking of that little girl and ehat she has to put up with and whats best for her and put your own feelings of love towards your husband aside. That poor little girl needs you and needs stability, eventually with her seeing and hearing all of that it will have a major impact on her as she grows older. You really need to concentrate on her needs, not your emotional needs. There is NO way you or anyone will get him to see how he is treating you. The only way is to leave him, but if he tries to win you back you do NOT go running, if you do he'll know he's won and it maybe hunky dory for the first couple of weeks or months but he will dive back into his old ways again and you'll be back to square one. For your daughters sake, do not be the boy who cries wolf. Once you go back, you're on your own, you'll find yourself with no support other than the words 'i told you so' lingering over your head. Its up to you, but if you let your 4 yr old daughter be put in that ituation is doesn't look good on your part as a parent. Start looking out for her best interests.

Shakera - posted on 09/30/2009

15

1

2

well, it is very easy to say move out or put him out..it is not that simple. I have been married for 16 yrs we have 6 children and my husband is a drug addict he works everyday,but out on binges when he is ready.i was recently dian.with biboplar (mania)

i am trying to cope with this & maintain sanity for my children.i have alot of education 2 jobs that i cannot work.. i attend therapy & he said i did not get this way over night so the problem will not magically go away. but, to assure you; have to begin with small changes,because when you love someone it is hard to just walk away. gradually change yourself & things will get a little shaky at first,but he will either change or move on.as long as he knows you fear him it will stay the same. shakera

Jackie - posted on 09/30/2009

623

44

93

Forget getting him to clearly see. You need to clearly see and you aren't that far from seeing it. Forget yourself in this situation imagine 20 years from now and its your daughter with a man like this.... would you put up with it? Would you want this for her? Would you do whatever you could to get her out of that situation and make her see the light that she deserves so much better? Of course you have answered yes to all my questions. Now the only important question to ask yourself is "Why are you teaching your daughter that this is not only acceptable behaviour but also that her mother deserves nothing better?"

Linda - posted on 09/30/2009

11

5

0

oh melissa i dont think there is anything you can say or do to change him. i was in a relationship with man who was also very controlling and nothing i said made any difference. the day he raised his fist to me was the day i arranged to get out as i knew from that point things would just become worse for me. you have to be strong and decide if you want to put yourself AND your daughter through a life of abuse. if you do then im afraid it will go on and on until the person you are has gone or worse! if you dont then you have to seek help and get yourself and your daughter out.

remember you and your daughter deserve a happy life without fear. take care and hope things work out for you xxxxx

This conversation has been closed to further comments

166 Comments

View replies by

Shannintipton - posted on 08/24/2011

36,025

50

681

This post is sort of old so I am going to close it, but thank you for your response. :)

Jessica - posted on 08/23/2011

547

0

3

Their is no advise I can give you, no magic pill. My only advise is to leave. Find someone who already IS what you need in a man. He cannot change and therefore will not realize what he is doing to you and you little girl.

She will think this is OK, and probably allow it when she is older and it happens to her.

Just... get out while you still can.

that is all I can say.

Sarah - posted on 09/28/2010

390

11

35

I highly suggest you get into counseling, and then find a support group...it is easier to leave if you have people supporting you. If he ever physically abuses you call the police. God will help you get through this. Just a hint, but prayer works. :) I wish you the best

Penny - posted on 09/28/2010

16

13

0

right well u need to get the hell out of there i was in ur place for 7 years broken nose ,he straggled me ,alsorts it will nevr get better only worse n u have to think wud he do tje same to ur child at some point .it will never work if ur in fear of livin your life in case he decides its a bad day .... u will get depressed and it will rub on the child/children they will start to sense things arnt right .u can love some one but do u really want to live in fear and if ur kids see this it will rub on them e]and they may even to it to there partners wen there older as they will think thats how they show love so please get out hope your ok

Shontae - posted on 09/28/2010

57

80

2

Sorry to hear that you're going through such a terrible situation and arent happy as you deserve to be. Physical and mental abuse is the best reason to get out of a relationship. Most physically abusive relationships end up with someone being seriously hurt or dead even. Leaving and counseling seems to be maybe your best options.

Lucy - posted on 09/22/2010

30

40

3

i know how you feel, mine is the same way, never has a nice thing to say..i started giving it back to him. I wish u luck

Jennifer - posted on 09/22/2010

2

10

0

PLEASE PLEASE before it to late seek advice from your local domestic violence group, they can help you to get for you and your daughter because this affects her more then you may realize at the moment. Being a witness to DV can lead to PTSD, Behavioral problems and low self esteem in children. also by not doing anything you are both telling her that its okay to be treated that way from another person. i am a DV survivor, i have three children. two of them witness all form of abuse for many years early in their life. they have been in and out consoling since we left my x husband 5yrs ago. violence is a cycle. my oldest is now physically violent towards me and i am also a child of domestic violence, and child abuse..it was a case of the abusee becoming an abuser..so it took me years to realize my x husband was even abusing me because to me it was normal behaviors for a family it was all i knew and all i had ever seen..dv agencies can give you the advise provide consoling for who ever wants it and if things are to bad they can provide you with help leaving safely and putting in a safe place where he cant find you so you can get on your feet. they also have lawyer and other people in the court and division of youth and family services to help you with restraining order if necessary. they don't change unless they want to change and to do that they have to admitted they did something wrong. abuse is all about power control and installing fear. and it usually only get worst. my situation was similar in some ways he was the soul provider by demand, he controlled where i went who i talked to what i eat, at the end he was not allowing me to eat anything he provided which was everything and if he caught me eating something our children suffered he would refuse to by food, it only got worse the longer i stayed at the end it was no longer just physical and emotional abuse it was life or death..i chose to live..many women in DV situations don't live to talk about it. this is a very serious thing please call your local women help line and go to the intake appointment you will be surprised at what all is consider abuse there are many forms of abuse. u are being financially abuse too. my sons were only 5 and 4 when we left. kids see, hear and understand more than us as parent realize. and at their ages they seen and heard everything and those memories never go away. they still remember everything like it happened just yesterday in more vivid detail than i do.

Vanessa - posted on 10/13/2009

11

9

3

In my opinion, you shouldn't stay together for the kid(s). He is abusing you! Get out of the relationship. Perhaps if you take a stand, he will see what he's doing to you and stop or get help. If not, you're better off without him. Your daughter doesn't deserve this, and I can tell you know that already. Just think about her and do what you feel is right. God bless you!!

Polyleah - posted on 10/13/2009

16

20

1

Melissa, you and your child are worth more than this. Listen to these women, and get out while you can. You cannot predict the actions of someone who is willing to physically harm you. I am going to pray for you, but you must be proactive for you and your child. Yes people can change sometimes, but that doesn't happen overnight, and you can't hang around for that possibility, when your safety can be in jeopardy. I am a Christian and I have been married for 10 years, and I believe in trying to work through the good and the bad, but I also know that every marraige God did not bring together, and if he allowed it to happen he has a purpose for it somewhere, and it may be for you to help someone else have the strength to leave. Pray and be sensible for you and your child. God bless you.

[deleted account]

well,i dont now im singel,iwas for since i got marrid the socond day he met ashly heart that mad a woop out of him so we fighted and now im singel,so dont ask me eny thing about hubby's!

[deleted account]

the advise is simple get out now. life is for living and making the most of it noone can make anyone change not even you sorry to say this but what you have together you can either live with it or you can get out and start living xxx when you look back you will see what strengh you had to be able to post this xx god luck

JoAnn - posted on 10/07/2009

1

3

0

Verbal abuse is worse than physical. Physical abuse heals if your not killed! Verbal abuse will stay with you forever! My advice would be to run as fast as you can away from him. He is a control freak, he isn't going to change. Your right, your daughter doesn't need to see or be around his abuse. Do yourself and her the biggest favor you will ever do for the 2 of you and leave at once. I know it easier said than done, especially when children are involved. But if you have family or friends you can stay with, then please go.

Jacquie - posted on 10/07/2009

1

11

0

You are right you can not change anyone, perhaps instead of trying to make your huband realize how he treats you, you should turn your energy towards yourself and you daughter. These are the important people in this relationship and the ones you can change. Goodluck

[deleted account]

You need to think of you and your daughter and leave! Yes that's easy said then done, I know. I know you want him to feel what your are going through, but He may Never know no matter how you try to turn the tables. He does need some serious help and you may not be the one who can help him. If he has close family that are good with you. you should speak with them and let them help him and like some one already said If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it's meant to be" BUT, you really need to provide a better living environment for your children and yourself. Take some counseling for yourself to build up your self esteem and maybe your daughter too..She may be young but you'll be surprise how much they know and living in this type of environment can really damage a little person too... Think Of Your Child and Yourself! Do what feels Right...



Good Luck!

[deleted account]

What the hell...you need to understand that this should not be your problem.....but you are making it your problem by staying with someone who feels it is okay to act out in this way..there is no advice or anything anyone can say to make him treat you better...he obviously was not brought up right or he just doen't care....either way...he needs some serious help...and that is a Mommy and Daddy problem to fix...not yours ! Sorry to be blunt but you are worth so much more than this.....and I don't even know you....I just know that someone who loves you doesn't act that way.....

Karen - posted on 10/07/2009

8

4

1

Ever see that one movie where the Mom moves into a tent in the front yard and puts out a sign that says "Mom on Strike" ? Maybe you should try that. and the only way you return to the house is on the condition that you and he goes for marriage counseling.

good luck!!!!

Kimberly - posted on 10/07/2009

23

10

3

I will tell you what I tell every woman whose husband has ever been physically abusive: Leave with your kids now! Once he knows you will tolerate any abuse, it will not stop!

He knows how he treats you ( he knows he yells, and he knows when he hits you) but he still does it because HE CAN!

It is so very bad for your daughter to see this. She will think it's okay to treat you like crap too, because "Daddy does it." Or she will grow up thinking that every man is like that and she will tolerate negative behavior from her future husband because that's what she sees happening at home.

My ex-husband was verbally abusive but I didn't think anything about it til my daughter started talking and said some negative things. I hesitated to leave because the only place for me to go was my parents' home. I didn't want to admit my marriage was bad. But I decided to leave after he became physically abusive. I decided I would never let anyone treat me like that again because I did not deserve it and my child had a right to a better life. She was two years old at the time. We had a better life at my parents place. I got a job, went to school part-time and had a chance to truly breathe and relax.

It was hard because I had to take care of everything but I did it. And so can you. You want a better life for your daughter. That is the best motivation to get out of a bad situation. My daughter is now a college student and owns her own home. I gave her the best gift I could: a stable environment with someone who loves her and helps her build up her self esteem.

[deleted account]

Nothing is ever going to make him treat you differently he is the one with problems not you. Get yourself & your child in the car & and LEAVE. If you do not have family or friends you can go to, drive to the nearest police station or even community center they will help you.!

Maggie - posted on 10/07/2009

174

25

8

my dear you are right, you don't need this and neither does your daughter. you need to be strong and leave him. i know it's hard to hear but time to ditch the jerk and find someone who truely loves you for you. no one should be treated that way. i hope you can find the courage to leave him. it'll be the best for you and your child i think. good luck!

Heidi - posted on 10/07/2009

2

20

0

I'm so sorry for your situation. I can relate as I left a marraige similar to yours....and it wasn't easy! For me the changes came after reading a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. I began to change the way I handled things as well as the things I was willing to tolerate. One of the best saying I have ever heard is that we teach people how to treat us. It's a hard pill to swallow, but by allowing your husband to treat you like this you, are in essence, telling him it's ok. I had to face that realization myself. The final straw for me however, was when I really wrapped my head around the fact that my (ex)-husband was being the example of what my daughter was going to look for in a husband....THAT fact alone sent me packing....literally! If you've tried talking, and getting him to counceling, and neither worked, leaving may be your only option. And who knows, it just might be the wake up call that he needs! A councelor once told me that men will do the minimum amount of work that they can get away with when it comes to fixing marital problems.....unless the marraige is really important and they realize they are on the absolute verge of losing it. At any rate, I would strongly recommend you get the book Boundaries and begin working on YOU. You can't change your husbands behavior but you certainly can change yours....and that can be a very empowering thing! Good luck!

[deleted account]

my life has been stressfull as well so i feel for u ! i had my son at 19 and his father left me six mnhs later i was alone and young and he didnt want anything to do with his beautiful son as well as money wise we didnt get a cent.from him even when he was making good money but after that i made some bad decisions about the men i met one in particular who emotionally and verburlly and physically abused me in front of my son who was 3 at the time . i left as soon as i could and didnt look back!! my son is now 13 and a great kid he hasnt had it easy though his dad died when he was 6 and i can see it hurts eveyday .i have another 3 children all toddlers to my partner who i am happy and unhappy with things seem to go from great to i cant do this anymore i get panik attacks at least 2 to 4 a day my partner has turned into a controlling n verberlly abusive partner and its getting worse to the point where i dont know whats gonna happen tommorrow and if i am going to leave him . when u lose yourself as a person then i think its unhealthy for everyone . i have left many times and keep going back because his parents have bought everything thats in the house and paid for the bond so i have no choice but to leave and nowhere to take my children so i feel for u mayb we can give eachother advice since we have been in similar situations .

Kelly - posted on 10/07/2009

5

8

0

My husband was a drunk for years,then went to drugs. We had 6 kids at the time and I finally managed the courage to tell him to get out,i loved him but was no longer in love with him. He acted more like my dad than husband. He could do anything he wanted but I couldn`t... the old double standard.You have to do something,if you do not your daughter grows up around this,she could end up with the same type of person and think that this is the way she is supposed to be treated. He sounds like he is very insecure in himself and takes it out on you. You cannot change him,he has to do it. My husband loved me but told me bluntly he could not change for me because he was an addict. It took a year of being apart but now he is the husband I have always knew was in there somewhere. It will not be easy but you have to think of your daughter as well. Maybe tape his actions at home in secret and let him see it when you are not there and he will see what a jerk he is being and the toll it is taking on your daughter.

Korine - posted on 10/07/2009

15

21

0

Although you love him, he is the father of your child- he is abusive. The only thing that you can do to secure your mental and physical safety is get away. Not only for yourself, but for your daughter. She probably sees and hears more than you think. If you can't get away for yourself, do it for her. This type of abuse often trails to other family members. Do you have a support system? Rely on them if you do. If not, contact a womens group in your area. They will help you. The first 3 days after you leave are the hardest. If your daughter is in school- let the school know that she is not to leave with her father unless you are notified first. Good luck to you and I will say a prayer for your family.

Penny - posted on 10/07/2009

81

12

5

unfortinately usually there is nothing you can do but to leave and to try to better your life what scares me is the verbal and physical abuse but you also have a daughter seeing this if you wont leave for yourself think of your daughter

i know its hard but if you found someone who treats you good you will regret the time you stayed

please find the courage to do what is right for you both xxx

Charity - posted on 10/06/2009

7

18

1

You need to go. I was in the same situation. I am now a happy single mom. My 11yr old son is now in anger managment classes and my 8year old daughter is sooooo sensitve. Go before it is too late for your daughter. It is hard at first but it gets alot easier. Good luck

Lea - posted on 10/06/2009

4

4

0

let me just say dont waste your life waiting for him to change because more than likley he wont im speaking from experience i know its hard i suppose marriage counciling might help i would suggest saving money or getting a job its alot harder to leave wene you rely soley on him you dony want your daughter growing up thinking this is how men treat woman i know i dident i wasted 8 years of my life and my children suffered because of it anyway goodluck

LINDA - posted on 10/06/2009

3

9

0

Love don't hurt, I was married almost 17 years, I got caught up in excepting what he wanted, how he wanted it, and when he wanted it, and I'm not talking about sex. We as women tend to do everything to make him happy, and forgetting about ourself and the happiness we want. I'm 56, my son is 21, my granddaughter is 3. I'm seperated and I feel it's time for me to start a new life and do what I want to do. Don't stay for him, and suffer, and don't stay for the children and make them suffer, because when you hurt they hurt too. sometime it's physical and a lot of times it's emotional, and it may grow with them, so give some thought to it, litst the pros and cons, to really see if it's worth staying, and giving up on you life of happiness................. :)

Beth - posted on 10/06/2009

18

15

4

Honey, you need to LEAVE NOW. As hard as this will be keep in mind that if your daughter sees this as normal she is likely to end up in a similiar situation. YOU deserve better and you need to protect her future. Remember that while he works you are taking care of his child. Your child too ofcourse, but he would be paying someone else to do if you were not. He is unhappy and probably feels no control over his life so he controls you and abuses you to feel powerful. IT IS SICK. For you safety and well being you should leave. My facebook name is Beth Chevalier, not sure if it shows up here. Add me and send me an email and I can give you my number if you ever want to talk. My mom was in the same situation when I was a little. They took me out of the situation and I lived with my real dad and stepmom. My sister, who is older, is following in my mom's steps and has an abusive husband. You can't afford to wait for him to realize how bad he is. Remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You cant stay and expect him to instantly wake up. You will be in my prayers.

Beth

[deleted account]

I am not sure how old that you and your husband are...but there is no just reason that he should ever lay a hand on you. A husband is one that is caring, supportive, loving, protective, and always the one that you can lean on... IF he is still physical or verbal abusive to you, then you need to get help to get away from him. You need to contact someone in your area that is there for domestic volience to help get you and your child to a safe place. Melissa, please do not raise your daughter in a home that is filled with fear, having to see her mother take blows or mind games from a man. I wish you the best sweetie, and I will put you in my prayers. Please think strongly on leaving this man, there are men out there that would love to have you as a girlfriend, wife, that would love you and everything that you would want from a man. God bless you and your daughter sweetie.

Robin - posted on 10/06/2009

13

21

0

Well I have been exactly in that same place! I know how hurtful it is!

I can tell you that it will not get any better HUn!! You can't change him he has to change and want to change.

One thing you can try is everytime he hurts you make him see your pain...he will call you a crybaby and tell you to get away but he is onlly saying that because he don't want to see what he has done. He is the one who has some big issues inside of him that he is hiding and taking out on you! You or any woman does NOT deserve that! You should make him KNOW just how he makes you feel but, Hun if he is hitting you then be careful of what advice you take and don't do anything that is going to get you hurt. I hope you get some peace of mind and figure this out for yourself and your daughter. It is hard and alot of people don't realize just how hard it is to just up and leave, tell him off, and the most common ways that woman handle their man. I know that fear is in you just for you to write this and I hope that things do get better for you but just don't stnd up to him and make him angry at you...try gettting to him thru his heart, By making him see your pain and sadness along with all the hurt...have you tried leaving? Do you have a safe place to go? I wish you the best Hun I really do!! Keep your head up Hun :) Always smile for your baby will remember those moments too :)

Judi - posted on 10/06/2009

204

6

17

Domestic violence (and this is what this is) is about one person controlling the other, at any point that you feel afraid, you change your actions to avoid abuse you walk on egg-shells it's Domestic violence. NOBODY should be afraid in their home. But leaving is scary there is a cycle of violence that if you look it up you'll reconise, get help from anyone you feel safe with a women's centre is best. I left my husband 2 years ago before the hitting started but it took a year to get the strength to leave. You can do it

Judi - posted on 10/06/2009

204

6

17

Domestic violence (and this is what this is) is about one person controlling the other, at any point that you feel afraid, you change your actions to avoid abuse you walk on egg-shells it's Domestic violence. NOBODY should be afraid in their home. But leaving is scary there is a cycle of violence that if you look it up you'll reconise, get help from anyone you feel safe with a women's centre is best. I left my husband 2 years ago before the hitting started but it took a year to get the strength to leave. You can do it

Corrinne - posted on 10/06/2009

14

25

0

Whoa...the 1st time it happened should've been an indicator to leave, especially having kids, one day he could kill you then they'd be left without you. Once an abuser, always an abuser, no matter what anyone says. Don't stay just because of the kid(s). Kids need a LOVING home, and with no love they shoudl'nt be there. Its not a good example for your daughter, showing she should put up with it. Whether physical or verbal it is abuse period. Get out ASAP before you don't have a chance to get out at all but in a body bag. Its not you at all and you should remember that. Obviously you are a good mother and wife and are doing your best, more than you can say for him. He seems to be selfish and one who needs control over EVERYTHING. Get yourself n that lil girl a new home, before fatality hits. How would you feel if he did those things to your lil girl sometime to come n you could've prevented it by walking out the door? You deserve the best n nothing less n it seems he's not willing to give it to you so go out n give it to yourself n your daughter n one day find someone who is willing to give you the best too. Best wishes

THENIA - posted on 10/06/2009

6

9

0

the issue here is not him.it's you and your little girl.you don't deserve this.you don;t have to make him see anything!because he won't.he will never treat you better.just leave.sometimes it's difficult because it is so easy to believe in the end that you actually deserve what;s happening to you.and you do unfortunately,because if you didn;t you would be long gone now.you are a special human being a woman a mother a person who deserves to be treated with respect.believe in your strength and go.you have to change, not him.

THENIA - posted on 10/06/2009

6

9

0

the issue here is not him.it's you and your little girl.you don't deserve this.you don;t have to make him see anything!because he won't.he will never treat you better.just leave.sometimes it's difficult because it is so easy to believe in the end that you actually deserve what;s happening to you.and you do unfortunately,because if you didn;t you would be long gone now.you are a special human being a woman a mother a person who deserves to be treated with respect.believe in your strength and go.you have to change, not him.

Julie - posted on 10/06/2009

8

18

0

So many peopole here are concerned and have posted their advice. The majority have said the same thing I am. Take the advice. Just Get Out. One day while he's at work pack a few things and leave. The way he is treating you is wrong. There is nothing wrong with you. Being loved DOES NOT mean being beaten or verbally abused. He doesn't deserve a wonderful person like you and you don't deserve to be abused. He isn't loving you. He is owning you just like he would a dog. He is treating you like he would treat that dog. Think about yourself and your child. GET OUT!!!! Then let us know how you are.

Marie - posted on 10/06/2009

2

9

0

I was married to a man just like this for 4 years... I swear what you are saying is like opening a page from my past. I left him after 2 years of marriage and foolishly went back because I thought he really was sorry and really regreted treating me so badly. It was great for 3 weeks then it went bad again. If you ever want to be happy in your life you need to leave. I know it is hard and it will hurt so bad but like every pain time will make it better... Please please leave this man before its too late. There is a kind loving man in the world waiting for you to leave your husband and heal your heart. I found mine.

Aubree - posted on 10/06/2009

205

33

15

I think you already know what you need to do and you don't need us to tell you. You wouldn't be asking if you didn't already have a feeling. You said it yourself people can not be changed, you can try sitting down and telling him how you feel but that just seems to be embedding a seed that was already planted. He knows that you are scared of him, he knows that he has power over you telling him is just going to reinforce it even more. I truly believe that you and your daughter need to leave and deep down inside you know that that is the best thing for both of you. Children are great actors, even though they pretend like they are happy and everything is fine they know when their parents are unhappy and that causes a lot of pain for such a young heart.



I went through this for 13 years of my life until the day my mom decided enough is enough and we left and haven't looked back since. She is happy now and I'm so proud of her and the decision she made for us and our future. She saved us from a lot of heart ache and dis-pare and she taught me that no PERSON woman or man should have to put up with abuse of any kind. I know it's easier said then done but you have to do what's best for your daughter and an abusive relationship is the last thing a child needs in their life. I hope all these thoughts and suggestions from all of us help you with your decision.

Aubree - posted on 10/06/2009

205

33

15

I think you already know what you need to do and you don't need us to tell you. You wouldn't be asking if you didn't already have a feeling. You said it yourself people can not be changed, you can try sitting down and telling him how you feel but that just seems to be embedding a seed that was already planted. He knows that you are scared of him, he knows that he has power over you telling him is just going to reinforce it even more. I truly believe that you and your daughter need to leave and deep down inside you know that that is the best thing for both of you. Children are great actors, even though they pretend like they are happy and everything is fine they know when their parents are unhappy and that causes a lot of pain for such a young heart.



I went through this for 13 years of my life until the day my mom decided enough is enough and we left and haven't looked back since. She is happy now and I'm so proud of her and the decision she made for us and our future. She saved us from a lot of heart ache and dis-pare and she taught me that no PERSON woman or man should have to put up with abuse of any kind. I know it's easier said then done but you have to do what's best for your daughter and an abusive relationship is the last thing a child needs in their life. I hope all these thoughts and suggestions from all of us help you with your decision.

Vanessa - posted on 10/06/2009

10

18

0

Quoting Sarah:

I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM OF 3 BOYS ....MY HUBBY HAS A HORRIBLE MOUTH AND A BAD TEMPER BUT NEVER PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE ... HE WAS ON EDGE ALL THE TIME AND DIDNT WANT MUCH TO DO WITH ME AND COULD BARELY DEAL WITH THE KIDS...HE WOULD ALSO SNAP ABOUT DUMB THINGS AND GET MAD OVER STUFF THAT WASNT NECCESSARY I WAS CALLED NAMES AND MADE TO FEEL LIKE A POS... I COULDNT TALK TO HIM OR EVEN ASK A SIMPLE QUEST. WITHOUT HIM BEING REDICULOUS ABOUT IT... WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 10 YRS AND MARRIED FOR 5 YRS AND IT HAS BEEN AND UP AND DOWN ROLLAR COASTER THE WHOLE TIME...WE HAVE 3 BOYS AND I TOLD HIM THAT THEY LEARN FROM HIS MOUTH AND THINK THAT IS WHY THEY WERE DISRESPECTING ME....A FEW MOS AGO I GOT FED UP AND ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH AND I TOLD HIM WE WERE COMPLETELY DONE... THAT I WASNT HAPPY....GAVE HIM THE COLD SHOULDER NO AFFECTION AND JUST BEING A BITCH RIGHT BACK AND ACTED LIKE NOTHING BOTHERED ME AND WOULD NOT LET HIM IN OUR BED... AND I GUESS SOMETHING FINALLY SNAPPED IN HIM HE STARTED GOING TO COUNSELING FOR HIS ISSUES AND GO ON MEDS TO HELP CALM HIM ... HE REALIZED ALL THE LITTLE THINGS I DID AND ALL THE THINGS HE WAS MISSING OUT ON...AND THAT BEING ANGRY AND TREATING US LIKE THAT WAS NOT THE ANSWER...MAYBE IF U HAVE TO GO STAY WITH YOUR PARENTS OR A FRIEND IF THAT IS AN OPTION...TELL HIM HE NEEDS TO GET HELP OR U ARE GONE...ANYTHING IS WORTH THE SHOT...GOOD LUCK TO U


 

Vanessa - posted on 10/06/2009

10

18

0

I went through this with my first husband. I was only 17 when i married him and thought i was in love but quickly realized after our son was born that he made me crazy! I was doing things and saying things very out of character. I was making excuses! And watching my mother be abused by my father i knew i was scred up and didnt want my son to see that! He used to do anything that wouldnt leave a mark (a visible one anyway!) Im sure you have heard "no one else is gonna want you!" I heard that alot, i was dragged by my hair, choked until i almost passed out, and many more awful things. Let me tell you it wont get better! I eventually left and he begged me to come back because he realized he was alone. I of coarse stayed away, married a wonderful man and now have 4 beautiful kids and am generally happy. My ex husband was married twice more after me and is now sitting a 8 year prison sentence! Of coarse it wont all go away if you leave its alot harder than some say that havent been there. there will be court battles and family battles and you are in for a fight. I myself have been in and out of counseling for anxiety and PTSD (post traumatic stress) but it will get better i can promise you that! I hope you really think about this and think about your child! Good luck to you and feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to about anything! madreoftres@hotmail.com

AISHA - posted on 10/06/2009

3

4

0

i understand exactly what you are going through me and my fiance are going through it now. I got to the point i was going to leave him and my children in order for me to get my head straight. I had his family talk to him and my friends, but that didnt seem to work, so one day his mom told me that allowing him to get me upset or even cry is letting hi know that he has the power over you, don't allow him to have that power. Show him that you can do without him, if he starts yelling walk away or don't show that it;s getting to you( that's want they want) just cause they pay the bills they feel you have no say in what goes on in the household, But mine had to see for himself, One day he came in from work i din't cook dinner i grab my keys and walked out and let him figure out what to cook, get the kids bath and ready for bed, with out me... so he knows that what i do is important and alot of work. but when i stop allowing him to make me cry and get me upset , he started relizing that what i been telling him needed to change or we were done. it's about control and when they see that they can't control you or get you all upset then they try to find out what is going on with you, but that made my fiance change..... so when he starts yelling i walk away and take off.

Sarah - posted on 10/06/2009

21

10

0

There is no advice to tell you :( Only because your still there he kNOWS he can do this to you..Honestly. You would have to take a huge leap and walk out on him to get him to listen and pay attention to YOUR feelings. I'm sorry theres no better answer.. Unfortunately, we let people treat us that way.. out of fear or whatever, but as long as it continues, your letting him do it... or ya can punch him out :P

[deleted account]

You need to leave him! All you are doing right now is teaching your daughter that it is ok to be in a relationship like that and let men treat her that way. If he treats you like this now just think of what he could someday do to your daughter! If you will not leave for you then do it for her!

CHARLENE - posted on 10/06/2009

10

22

2

Sweetie, there is only one thing I can say to this....RUN!!!!! & NEVER LOOK BACK!!! U seem too know wat it is u have to do 4 u and ur child...ur rite no one changes & if he cant give u the love and respect u deserve than u should jus go....dont wait till its to late....many moms stay 4 the children but believe me ur child sees and understands wats going on and its not healthy 4 her....children r alot more intuitive than we give them credit 4....dont become another statistic....its not gonna b easy but it is not imposible

Nancy - posted on 10/06/2009

1

20

0

Honey ! I just want to ask you a question . You have a daughter is this the life that you would want her to marry into? The more you stay she learns this is marrage this is life and that it is how life is supposed to be. Show her there is a better way! THIS IS NOT HOW A MAN TREATS HIS WIFE! history has a way of repeating itself!

Sarah - posted on 10/06/2009

2

30

0

I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM OF 3 BOYS ....MY HUBBY HAS A HORRIBLE MOUTH AND A BAD TEMPER BUT NEVER PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE ... HE WAS ON EDGE ALL THE TIME AND DIDNT WANT MUCH TO DO WITH ME AND COULD BARELY DEAL WITH THE KIDS...HE WOULD ALSO SNAP ABOUT DUMB THINGS AND GET MAD OVER STUFF THAT WASNT NECCESSARY I WAS CALLED NAMES AND MADE TO FEEL LIKE A POS... I COULDNT TALK TO HIM OR EVEN ASK A SIMPLE QUEST. WITHOUT HIM BEING REDICULOUS ABOUT IT... WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 10 YRS AND MARRIED FOR 5 YRS AND IT HAS BEEN AND UP AND DOWN ROLLAR COASTER THE WHOLE TIME...WE HAVE 3 BOYS AND I TOLD HIM THAT THEY LEARN FROM HIS MOUTH AND THINK THAT IS WHY THEY WERE DISRESPECTING ME....A FEW MOS AGO I GOT FED UP AND ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH AND I TOLD HIM WE WERE COMPLETELY DONE... THAT I WASNT HAPPY....GAVE HIM THE COLD SHOULDER NO AFFECTION AND JUST BEING A BITCH RIGHT BACK AND ACTED LIKE NOTHING BOTHERED ME AND WOULD NOT LET HIM IN OUR BED... AND I GUESS SOMETHING FINALLY SNAPPED IN HIM HE STARTED GOING TO COUNSELING FOR HIS ISSUES AND GO ON MEDS TO HELP CALM HIM ... HE REALIZED ALL THE LITTLE THINGS I DID AND ALL THE THINGS HE WAS MISSING OUT ON...AND THAT BEING ANGRY AND TREATING US LIKE THAT WAS NOT THE ANSWER...MAYBE IF U HAVE TO GO STAY WITH YOUR PARENTS OR A FRIEND IF THAT IS AN OPTION...TELL HIM HE NEEDS TO GET HELP OR U ARE GONE...ANYTHING IS WORTH THE SHOT...GOOD LUCK TO U

Jixolet - posted on 10/06/2009

5

5

0

There is no good reason for you to stay. Your daughter is what comes FIRST. If you are too afraid to leave for yourself, do it for your daughter. If he's this abusive to you, it's only a matter of time before he abuses her. You really do need to leave. There's no other way around it.

Kris - posted on 10/06/2009

40

7

3

Sad to hear about your situation now. If you think you can still reconcile then do it now and get reaction from him from that you can do or plan what you should do for best future and your kids.

Robyn - posted on 10/06/2009

1

20

0

I am sorry to hear of your troubled life. It saddens me to hear that someone that is supposed to love you actually is not at all. I dont think that there is anything else for you to do but to leave. Unless he is open to getting some professional help for his stress/anger etc. If he is not open to this then you have to like it or leave.

good luck.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms