Please read.Revised...Not whole storie,could write it but don

Carrie - posted on 01/18/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I know that I've been through the proverbial ringer in this lot of life and I have had counseling in the past and still seek counseling,What i didn't mention before was that as a concerned parent for my children I want to them for help I thought that they would be able to help me with so much but they did not,I wanted them to help with educational concerns I had.They didn't and by the way neither did my childrens teachers there excuse was its only a faze they'll grow out of it by next year so I waited,things got worse!Finally I went to my childrens pediatrician and got a referral to go else where and got help two of my children are learning disabled,And cas is trying to blame us for something that can not be our fault there inherent learning disabilities.My previous worker due to personal privacy laws I can not name him,But I ask unless a parent is fucking every tom,dick or harry in front of there children it's none of there business.I've had the same spouse for eleven years why would he need to know my sex life in detail and of course he didn't ask me he asked my spouse who of course being a normal man had to brag and talk in detail with said worker(Ooh peeve me off men).Now if this happened to u would you want to let these people back in ur home?This happened before my children were taken in to care...And if this happened to people of educated backgrounds I wonder would that worker still be working probably not.But because I only have a grade nine education,They think I have never read any books,I may have stopped going to school in grade five but my time was spent in my local library reading anything that caught my eye and that was substantial and many subjects,The one thing I do wish is that one day I get enough money to attend a college or university of course I'm not delusional I would of course need a high school equivalent first.I know it sounds nuts to want to attain some form of education with all I have on the go but that is why the government made day cares and god made nieces babysitters.And are trying to turn thing's around and blame me and use my childhood against me.The tenderness of my mom who had a heart condition against me(I used to call her mother Theresa because her compassion towards others she knew that without a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on people withered away)Anything they can say in court to permanently take my children from my spouse and I.Previous way I started this post. Okay,my spouse and I have been dealing with the aid on and off for seven years and in late 08 my mother passed away and just before she passed I found out I was pregnant with my sixth child,I took my mentally ill little bro in and thing's went to hell very fast.Oh did I mention earlier in the year I had taken in my teenage niece,well that four children,one niece and one brother and a spouse who did not live here huh um and I was pregnant..I don't drink,do drug's or anything much for a fact,I volunteer at a church once a week.Well Christmas,children,niece with nightmares over grandma she was pulled into her death room before the coroner's office picked up the body,And ill brother that I would often be up all night.School,house work,volunteering,children,niece and brother and I am being accused of neglect and not being familial.I really need some help and advice,for three month's I was not allowed to grieve because of trying to cope then my four oldest were taken into foster care,still haven't grieved and I will never give up on the fight for our children they do have but it's been a year and we have complied with all of there demand's on top of what we are doing on our own to prove them wrong and they keep stalling with excuses or with accusations.I am not allowed anymore to have my little bro in my home because they fear he will snap,but reports I have gotten from professionals is he's fine he wouldn't hurt a fly.I have seen him twice in a year do to the fact that I'm so busy doing my own thing's and what they want...They have all this money to use towards tending our children,plus professional's in there pocket.All I can do is reassure our kids that they will be home and that we love them.PS two of our children are starting to suffer depression one has threatened to kill himself and another wants to sleep all the time.I am not good at telling my life's story and have probably made mistakes,But to err is to be human.There is a lot not in this post but another time... Oh and please feel free to take a gander at my childrens pics,do they look neglected or afraid or out of the ordinary...

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Megan - posted on 01/18/2010

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i'm sorry for your loss and your hard times but has anyone ever told you that your life is your own. you seem to have a lot of things going on and none of them are about you. its all about what you need to do for someone else. you obviously have your hands full with your own children and to think that you could take in two more was ridiculous. you ended up losing your own children. i'm sorry to run the risk of sounding harsh or inconsiderate but there is something called birth control. you said your spouse does not live with you, what were you thinking. you obviously dont lack in children and had the ability to raise the ones you already had but how thin do you think you can stretch yourself. there is a point when you have to say to yourself i am going to take responsibility and do what i can do. you are not super woman and a single parent, person, human being period cannot properly care for 6+ children. it is crazy. so get yourself together and sit down and figure some things out because having faith and keeping on fighting is not going to knock some sense into you and make you realize you need to stop having babies. take care of your children you already have, this is why some people grow up with all kinds of issues. i honestly dont mean to offend you i for one am not one to skirt around an issue.

Jo-Ann - posted on 01/19/2010

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I agree, our lives are our own. We make our own paths. That being said we all need help now and then. However, we also need to learn (as women) that we can't do it all and we can't be responsible for it all and sometimes we just need to say "no" and NOT feel guilty about it. If you don't stop and make some time for yourself, no one else is going to and you're going to run yourself into the ground. Take care of your family to the best of your ability, but know that sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones.

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Tonya - posted on 01/26/2010

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Carrie--I am actually a foster mother and have had lots of dealings with the other side of dcs--when your children were taken into custody you should have been appointed a lawyer, given a permanency plan, and a visitaion schedule. Is your lawyer helping you at all? I know that the dcs here has put boundaries on who can live in certain homes with the children we have had in care and not with others for their safety--I am not saying your brother is a danger( i have family members with mental illness issues--some I will bring my children around others I will not), If you do not feel your worker is treating you fairly contact their supervisor and continue going up until you a satisified. If your children stay in care over certain amount of time they will automatically try to terminate your rights. As a party on the other side I recommend you clear your home out as much as possible and make sure that it is always kept as nice as possible--you do not have to have fancy things but always show that your children have a place there. I will pray that your situation is worked out in the way that is best foir you and your children. reunification is always the goal, so do everything they ask of you even if it seems crazy--get and keep a steady job and housing--thoise two things will be the key to getting your children returned--hope it all works out

Jane - posted on 01/26/2010

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you should see if you can find a counselor for your family. it sounds like a lot for everyone to be dealing with and i think it would be good for everyone.
i wish you the best.

Carrie - posted on 01/25/2010

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Oh my,I really didn't mean to type such dreadful thing's Megan or to attack you,I am not making excuses about thing's,I asked long ago for support from these people before thing's got to a point and was treated really bad and help was not forth coming.As for taking in my brother that is familial,that is the action of a familial person,and he really had no one else and still don't,he's twenty four and can not care for himself he has no family from his fathers side because they don't give a rats @$$ my mom,me and an older brother that's all he had,so I took him in,not no chose but an obligation,I did seek treatment for him but they wouldn't take him,I wanted him in a care home where he could receive the proper care,As for my children's aid society they are not so savory,I do have prominent people who agree with me doctor's,teacher's and my childrens principle,but these people I am dealing with have no sense of wrong and right,they don't have a problem with my parenting they have a problem with my children,Humph.To me it doesn't matter who they are or how they act they are mine simple as that and to point out it wasn't me not taking care of my kids it was me having to much and I did realize it and did try to counter it,but in life thing's happen explained or not...I have had a hard life also dad not around,hit by a car,molested and raped,beaten by fellow student's and teased and a few years ago I found out I have endrometriosis,Anyway as for the birth control I've tried several but have bad reaction's to them,I've even tried getting my tube's tied and the doctor tried to rip me off I don't see how those are excuses,I can't even use a condom because of swelling for days after wards I've tried several types but!!!Well I am glad for in two days I am getting my tubes tied after years of searching for a doctor to do it with out the lies or the excuse your to young come back later,Well sorry,I just wanted some help but as usual i get no compassion.All I wanted to originally know was does anyone know how to help children with depression...And moral support from my fellow women..

Jo-Ann - posted on 01/25/2010

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I have to reply b/c I whole heartedly agree with Darcy; if you don't want to hear the answer, don't post the question. You can't attack the people who answered your post with their opinion. I also agree with Megan and as I said we are responsible for the lives we live. Being a mom is tough enough, attacking each other is just wrong.

Darcy - posted on 01/24/2010

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Again, this is another situation where somebody posts a question or needs help with a problem, and when they get a response that their not wanting, it turns into a rude backlash against the person who replied. My adivce would be not to post something so controversial to get a response that you might now want. Being a young woman with 6+ kids and taking in other children/and or family members without a set income, to some would seem extremely irresponsible. I know as a mother, we have that instinct to take care of everybody, but you can't stretch yourself so thin. We can only do so much before we start losing our own sanity. I have one 7 year old son, and 2 year old twins, and there are obviously days that are more trying than others, but I deffinately couldn't imagine throwing more kids into that mix. I do happen to agree with Megan, and it's not that we're trying to be inconsiderate of your situation, because it is extremely heart breaking, but "you make your bed and now you have to lay in it."

Megan - posted on 01/20/2010

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i am not an only child i have one brother and one sister. my parents are still alive but my father has been vacant my whole life. he was a functioning alcoholic that left my brother and i home for weeks by ourself at the age of four. my brother was two. i have had a lot of hardship throughout my life and dont get me wrong i am not saying oh my god my life was horrible, because there are people everywhere that have it worse. i am saying i cant go around blaming my life on the things that my parents did, or did not do, or the way i was raised. neither can anyone else. there is a point in everyones life that they have to say i am old enough to decide how i want to live my life and who i want to be. like everyone is saying the right decision isnt always easy but why does everyone say it like you taking in your brother and your niece was the right decision. your children have been taken away since then and you made a decision that will affect these children forever. there are people in your community that are capable of caring for children with special needs, or children of abuse. if you think not then you are telling me that your town doesnt have a church. being a part of a church when you fall on hard times means they are willing to help you as much as possible. it is a support system if anything. if you choose not to take opportunities like that and let all the weight fall on your shoulders thats on you. i am not cold hearted and i am not screwed up in the head, i am a realist and i do not lie to myself or anyone else. i knew someone in your similar situation minus 3 kids and she had all kinds of excuses why she couldnt do this or that and why she had no other option but in the end she wound up losing all her children and she is more depressed than ever, both of her siblings that she took care of after her parents died went with a family that was well fitted to take care of them after she had no other choice because she was so depressed and unfit. you have to look at the long term effect of what this is doing to your children. do you think that your own children are better off in foster care and being subjected to whatever creulties they are being subjected to from being away from their mother or better off with you and having their mother who has the ability to take care of them and be there for them.

obviously you had to know that the state was not going to allow a single person without the ability to have a job take care of 6+ kids. with all the special needs that your brother needed and you being unable to provide what he needed you set yourself up. maybe the hard decision would have been you admitting you cannot care for him and its not like the state would have said that sucks and let him live on the streets. they have a certain obligation to care for him.

and yes i do have a heart and do care about my family, i took care of my brother while he was sick for as long as i could and there came a point when i was incapable of doing it anymore and staying sane. that was a hard thing to admit and i felt weak for saying it but we had to find an alternate option where he could get the help he needed.

and for the record i am not saying you need to get an abortion that is not my place and would be completely out of line but i am pro choice. i had an abortion when i was 19 and that was the decision i made that was right for me at that time. that was my choice. i am saying being in the situation you were in before you got pregnant and having already so much to take care of why would you think it ok to have unprotected sex and run the risk of bringing a new child into an already complicated situation. do you think that is fair to that child. i dont care how this sounds but it is bottom line irresponsible to have unprotected sex when someone is unable to handle their current life.

Meri - posted on 01/19/2010

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Wow, as I read everyone's responses to this post I can say that its hard to even answer to this post. I agree to a certain extant that our lives are our own but not really...is it??? Really is a mothers life her own?? I think that a mother try's to have time to herself but a mother is someone that always serves and is humble. I think when it comes to family...if my brother or sister needed my help, hands down I would be there. As far as what my position on finances are I would need to evaluate what kind of help I can give to my sibling. That goes with anything though...we all need to evaluate where are time goes and how to help or serve in these area's. I think if I was in your position...I would spend as much time as I could with my children and create memorable times with them as much as I could or allowed too. As far as trying to figure out how to get my children back that would be my next step...I would try to see what is the best solution and what needed to be done to get my children back...from there it would be out of my hands, even though that is so hard to say, it comes down to patients and continue in trying to comply to my very best to get the results that I need. If that means their needs to be some life changing in myself then what-ever it takes. I know that we can get inpatient, angry and sometimes to the point where we don't understand why certain things are happening in our lives. Even though it can be so frustrating, we need not look at the now but look at the goal you will achieve. As far as birth control and all that stuff...it's not my place to put a cap on how many kids you should have or not. I don't believe in abortion either but also say take on what you can don't overload yourself and when you do have someone by your side that is willing to do what-ever it takes with you then your on the right path. As far as your niece goes its never easy to hear or be involved with what that poor girl is going through and if you can be there for her, weather it be providing a safe heaven or emotional help that's awesome but if you can't there are groups, places and people that can and would be willing to help her out. I know a couple in my own community so I would think that there would be there in yours. Not saying that you shouldn't help her...I am just saying if you feel that knowing what she's going through is too much to handle then it should be past on to someone that can be there fully for your niece. I think what we all can do is keep you in our prayers and help you by encouraging you to keep fighting in doing the right thing and not letting yourself say I can't fight anymore. Keep it up and I hope this helps some...I understand how it is when you want to help someone but don't know how or sometimes we come to the revelation that it's out of our hands. Sometimes all we can do to help is pray...sounds silly to most people but I am a believer that pray is strong.

Carrie - posted on 01/19/2010

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To Megan Eberhard.Wow either your a lone sibling or you don't care about your siblings.And I can tell by your answer that you either still have your parents alive and a whole lot of family support or your parents are dead and you don't give a dam,But I say this with me taking in my niece it was a question of her safety for she had been touched by someone and the police asked if she could stay because the idiot was still in her prime area of residence and not yet in jail as for her parents well her mother is an idiot who's only after one thing in this life money and she put a warrant for assault out on my big brother,There is more to the story yes but being familial extends beyond ones children and spouse.As for me taking in my little brother it would be a thing I would do over again,For the simple fact that he is mentally incapable of tending to his own needs and he's twenty four,But even he is gone now and I am not allowed to have him in our home.Also to note it seams that you have never been involved with your local childrens services providers and know nothing of the way they work unless you are a worker for them,I from experience have asked for help and either been promised help that has not come through so had to do for self or been threatened that my worker my children would be taken countless times.There are some thing's also in life that one can not control those included are places you live if you have a very modest income(this includes the condition of the house u live in),The special needs of your children and to be asked to take accountability for their learning disabilities,Your beliefs of discontinuing being pregnant I don't believe in abortion,And ones reactions to birth control as for tubal ligation try have your doctor try to rip you off.But I am really happy to say that after searching for a doctor who does care and will not only be in it for the money,I'm due to get my tubes tied soon.And the death and reactions of loved ones.As for responsibility all the signs in my community say it takes a village to raise a child.As for the children's father no he was not living in the home but that did not mean I didn't love him or that he did not take some responsibility towards his children,I had him move out on his own to teach him a lesson on growing up and it worked,for he is back in our home and hes more willing to be supportive and has realized that he can not live with out us,So together we stand.

Lauren - posted on 01/19/2010

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I feel for your situation, it can't be easy to take on all of that. If I were you I would stay positive, be a wonderful mother to your kids and be that support system they are going to always need. If there is a way to find coucelling for yourself I think it could help to talk things out with someone who could give you great advice on how best to handle your situation. Keep smiling no matter what!

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