Problems with my Father In Law

Stefie - posted on 01/13/2011 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My father in law is a strange person. He likes to say mean and nasty often untrue things about people, well me and my family. For the first two years of my marriage I just took it. Last year we went to visit him and he said mean lies about every member of my family. (he called my sister a lesiban (she has had the same boyfriend for 9 years and just had a baby) called my father not a man (I have no idea where that came from)).I told my husband that I was not going to keep letting him do this to me once our kids started to understand the lies he was saying. Now, my oldest is 2 1/2 and understands what adults say.
On our visit over the holidays he told my husband that he was on track for a great Navy career as an officer EXCEPT for me. He said I had problems with depression and I would be unable to take care of our children and would ruin his career and life. He said my husband needed to get rid of me before it was too late. (all lies coming from no where, as usual) - this was said privately to my husband by my father in law. But, my marriage is strong and my husband told me.
When I heard this I was RED with anger. I did not want my two year old to be hurt by this, so I simply stayed away from him until I settled down. In the morning, I asked to speak with him, and he said we should leave. So we did.
I really want to smooth things over with this man, but he will not talk to me. I am afraid that my wonderful husband and beautiful children are going to be hurt by this. I don't know what to do.
All I ask of this man is that he stop saying mean lies about me and my family. I don't think it is fair for my kids to have to hear such vicious lies.
Help. I want this to be fixed, but I have no idea what to do.

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Julie - posted on 01/27/2011

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If your FIL is not man enough to face you for talk ... then distance yourself from him - its no big loss. Men like this abuse women and you don't need that.
Your hubby should deal with his father and protect YOU right?
Write your FIL a final letter explaining why you cannot allow yourself to be around his lies and that you want to be healthy and have your children all grow up healthy too...

Ginger - posted on 01/13/2011

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Hi there! This sounds like a horrible situation to be facing. You mentioned that your marriage is strong....with that in mind, I'd have a good, long chat with your husband. This is HIS father right?!? I think as your husband and father of your beautiful children, he needs to stand up to his dad. This doesn't have to be in a hateful or hurtful way. I just think he is the best person to address this with his father. I don't seeing anything wrong with putting a little bit of space between your family and your father-in-law until things are resolved. This might even be an ultimatum that your husband can give him if he doesn't agree to change. I'm sure he would dislike losing his privilege to see the grandkids for a bit. Anyway, these are just my thoughts. Talking this through is probably the best thing. You take care and keep up the good thing you have going with your little fam!! :)

Rima - posted on 05/07/2013

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the same things are happening with me except my both fil n mil are doing that.. ahead of that fil just accuse me by saying enything about my weight or my salary n all n if m answering it then my mil comes in between us tells me that he didnt mean that n he just dont how to talk n how to behave , we have to leave some things like this... n dont pay attention n all . but i know they really mean to hurt me. n its lucky for u that they dont live with u.... but being an Indian i have to face them daily....... in my house... pls tell me how to tackle this kind of people. just tell me even if its rude.... but its time to do something... otherwise my marriage is in danger...

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Stefie - posted on 01/14/2011

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Thank you ladies for all of your advice.
I actually talked to my FIL today, because my daughter had a minor surgical procedure done and he is an MD. (my husband called him).
He choose not to talk about what happened, and I did not push the issue. He was pleasant and showed care toward my little girl.
After this little non discussion, me and my husband talked for a long while. We have decided to join forces and simply stop any rude comments when they happen. We are taking a policy of - Stop! You are talking about my family!.
That is what we plan to say when this man says anyting mean about me or my family.
I did talk to my MIL (whom I love, and is divorced from my FIL). She basically said he just talks shit (mean things that may be true or untrue) and the only way to deal with him is to stop him.
I am so thankful from all of you and your advice and help.

Christy - posted on 01/14/2011

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What do you think is the reason he doesn't like you?

Regardless, he is a mean hearted person. Your husband needs to take a stand and tell him under no circumstances is he to talk about you in this way to him, you, or your children. Once he starts, leave.

In order to talk to him at all, it seems maybe if your husband was there maybe he would hear you out and you could "hear him out."

Does he have any mental issues? Sounds like it to me. What a jerk. I am sorry you have to go through this!

Danielle - posted on 01/14/2011

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I agree that it is your husbands father and as your husband he should stand up for you without you having to ask. I've never had a problem with my FIL he's like a second dad to me but my MIL and her mother are a whole different story. For some reason they decided I wasn't good enough for my husband and kept on about it till one day he finally snapped on the both of them and told them they could either accept me or they didn't have to have anything to with us or our kids.It changed their tune but it made me harder and I have no respect for either of them and now that I'm older they know that I will cuss them out in a heartbeat. But with men it's different why don't you try confronting him? I don't mean be ugly but one day when you catch him alone just straight out ask him..Why do you hate me so much? What can I do to show you that I do love your son and will spend the rest of my life trying to make him happy? You have no relationship with this man...maybe you oughta try having one. Then if it doesn't work you will know you did everything you could to make things smoother. Hope everything works out for you

Lucille - posted on 01/14/2011

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i have the same problem with my father in law, but my husband now refuses to speak to him as well. He has always been rude, self centered and very cruel to my husband. He actually asked my husband if he was high/drunk/plain stupid when he married me. Nice right? He even told my husband that now that he's got his son he should lose the baggage (me) so they can go to the bars together to "pick up women". They blame me for the problems between father and son, but the issues where there long before I came into the picture. He just showed his true colors when I came into the picture.

There is no smoothing it over. If he simply refuses to speak with you it's his own loss. There's always going to be someone who's trying to cause an issue among a family. He seems to be a source for alot of things. If he's lying about everything and everyone it might be best for your kids not to be around him. He may try to fill their heads with mean things and make them mean by what he says to or in front of them.

It may be that he's also really embarrassed because your husband came to you and told you what was said too. And in time may come around again. It's just going to take to see what happens. You can't force him to talk to you about this. But maybe the fact that your husband told you what he said was enough to make him stop. Give him time and space to think of this it may be just what he needs to stop completely with the lies. Right now, just be patient and hope for a good out come. Give him a week or 2 and try to talk to him again. I don't think bringing your husband into the middle of it is going to help though. It may be his father, but he knows how he is already and choses to not say anything. Which isn't wrong. It's just his choice. Just be patient with this matter. you don't want to stir the waters more than they are already

Jessica - posted on 01/13/2011

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I know how you feel except mine is my mother in law. She also goes around saying mean untrue things about me and my family and tries to convince my husband to leave me (of course this part is behind my back as well). It finally came down to either her being nice or not seeing her son or granddaughter. She couldnt be nice so we no longer have anything to do with her, for the time being anyway.(my husband made this decision not me because I felt since it was his mother he should decide how to handle it) My husband and I also did not want her being ugly in front of our daughter who is also at the age were she is starting to understand. I hope everything works out for you and your family. I know that in our case not seeing her was the only option for now at least but I hope things work out better for you. Good Luck.

Sarah - posted on 01/13/2011

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Obviously talk this over with your hubby first but I say tell dear old FIL that if he can't be polite and honest that you can't bring his grandkids around him anymore. This may sound like blackmail but it sounds like the things he is saying will set a BAD example for your kids.
You said he said the last bit of nonsense in private. Does that mean since your kids are older now he only says these things in private? In that case I would just tell him that if he can't be honest and polite that he can't be trusted to be alone with the kids. Of course make sure you have this conversation with him with your hubby at your side and the kids off playing elsewhere.
If you have to cut him out completely for a while make sure your hubby still has time for an occasional visit with him. After all, you can't choose your parents and it's not his fault that his dad is ummm...mean. ;)
Generally the thought of not seeing the grandkids makes people think twice. I've had friends who had to do this before. It's hard but it's all about what's best for your kids!

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