real good friends arn't they?

Candice - posted on 04/27/2010 ( 23 moms have responded )

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does anyone else feel like u find out who ur real friends are when u have kids?

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Samantha - posted on 04/30/2010

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this is so true i think alot of it is jealousy to be honest and you are better without them in the long run, i had so called friends who basically judged and used me, but now i have great friends in my life x

[deleted account]

Once many of us have children, we mature...some of our friends do not...this is part of the problem. I think this extends much farther than just moms though...I think in general you don't find out who your real friends are until you are older. I don't have a single friend now that I had 10 years ago. People change and so does life. We do outgrow friendships and relationships. I don't just have friends that are moms, my best friend of almost 7 years is single and has no children but she and I are alike in so many ways. I find that a lot of moms around me are competitive and gossipy and I don't need that in my life!

Brittany - posted on 04/29/2010

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yes! I lost every single friend i had..now while my fiance' is at work all i can do is stay at home alone with my 3mth old son(which i love doing) but i need some girls time every now and then but i have no one to go out with..sucks!! so i completly agree you see who your true friends are when you have a child!

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Jessica - posted on 05/03/2010

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My best friend stopped haging out after i got married and couldn't spend nights over at her house or go to the bar anymore then we really drifted after i had my kids bot now she has a son and we meet up for play dates and hang out a lot. I think its an issue of no longer having anything in common. we both missed each other terribly but had nothing to say.

*Lisa* - posted on 04/30/2010

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I agree it is sad to lose those friends that you once really cared about. But something I have been surprised by is the new friendships that you gain after having a baby. Some of my friends (who weren't particularly my closest friends) have also had babies and now I am closer to them than my old friends. People haven't treated me like I have the plague because I have a baby, but you do get asked out for fun with them a lot less because of your change in lifestyle. I think they just assume that you will be busy and don't want to bug you. I don't necessarily think that it's always about them just wanting to give you the flick, but just not knowing how to relate to us as 'mums' anymore. It doesn't help that once you have a baby it seems you lose your conversational skills! All I can talk about is my baby these days so I feel very sorry for my friends without kids coz I must bore them to death! They don't really want to hear about his poo issues haha. It's just life. We relate more to people who are in our situations, so we make better friends with other mums than even some of our oldest friendships. Good luck! Not all mothers groups are terrible. You never know, you might find your next best friend there ;)

Alyssa - posted on 04/30/2010

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Yep I do. I used to be most popular in high school, now my neighbor down stair is my only friend. She is 30 I'm 20. I dont talk to may people that I used to go to school with. I guess they all thought they could catch pregnancy. I dont know. Everyone that I used to be friends with is getting to 21 and wanting to go get drunk and messed up.

[deleted account]

not necessarily when you have kids, but as you get older. It's a natural part of life I guess. But hang in there. Try to meet other mommies with kids of similiar ages. I've met a couple mommies who have turned into great friends.

[deleted account]

Yes! I wasnt one to keep alot of freinds before I was a mother, becuase I didnt want the drama of certain people. But the few I had, I lost most. Its not becuase they are mean, or understanding in my situation, but for me its because I no longer party or go out to the bars. Im home with my baby! Which I love. I do have one great freind though, she's my motivator in helping me lose weight and keep me occupied so I dont go insane. But she is the only freind that I need. For me that is enough. Plus you have your child to keep you happy and occupied, as lonely as it is sometimes, I find it to more rewarding than having a handful of freinds!

Tanya - posted on 04/29/2010

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I am a new mom and I feel this way. I am 26 and have had the same best friend since middle school. We are just at really different places in our lives now. I first moved out at 18 and got all of my parting behind me. She has just moved out on her own for the first time. I now live with my husband and son. I never hear from her. I do get a call maybe one every 2 weeks or once a month. Although she did call me twice during my pregnancy in the middle of the night to drive her home because she was too drunk to drive. And yes at 5 months pregnant I went and picked her up at 3 am

Sarah - posted on 04/29/2010

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Absolutely I felt like I was a sinking ship and everyone was jumping off. There were a few friends that already had kids that I am still friends with actually better friends with them now than when we were all single or newly married but all those single or married without kids I don't get to talk to them much anymore. They are busy with their social lives, partying all night etc. and I am busy with play dates and diaper rash. They will eventually come back around when they have kids until then I just have to accept the fact that our lives aren't all that similar anymore.

Iris - posted on 04/29/2010

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When my son was born, I did not have many friends. But when he started school, that is where I met all my friends. Mom's of other children who went to the same school.. But the ones I did have , did disappear because I could not go out and party anymore. I realized the friends I had were not really friends..

Rebecca - posted on 04/29/2010

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I find a lot of my friends still go out EVERY weekend. They all have kids too. One of them went back to wrok when her second was only a few weeks old and her husband is off on parental so she's gone all day working and then every weekend she's out drinking, it makes me mad that some don't take being a parent more rewarding for themselves. She didn't want either of her kids so i guess it makes since that she hasn't changed, but i feel so bad for her husband. He never gets time out.

Candice - posted on 04/29/2010

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i just felt like everyone was lookin at me like i was supposed to me all mature and not act like a teenager anymore so i had fewer phone calls and no-one invited me out anymore....it was like the elimated me out of here life because i had something in my life that for once was more IMPORTANT than them and they couldnt handle it!!! so i guess thats why im on this all the tym because i can relate to you gals alot easier, and there's so much more goin on in our lifes that we can all relate to each other and we have to be honest and compassionate with each other to help one another though these stages of motherhood because i tell ya it so hard......and if it wasnt for some of you mothers i wouldnt have a clue bout half the stuff i've experienced bein a mum.....so thank you :)

Rebeca - posted on 04/28/2010

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I think all friendships are different and fate may decide who comes into your life but it is YOU who decides who stays in your life. Some people come into your life for a while, while other people stay forever.

I am still friends with the first friend I made in prep, although we don't see each other much because she lives 2 hours away but we keep in touch by phone and facebook and we caught up in person a few weeks ago which was great. My other close friend I have known since I was an 18 year old wild child. We are now 36 years old and I have 2 kids while she doesn't have any but we talk every single day, and when my son was born (2nd child), I was a single mum as I left my husband when I was 2 months pregnant so this friend would come to my house and clean it every day so I could just concentrate on my two babies.

All my other friends (and I had heaps of them) all fell by the wayside over the years, but I met new people through the children, and through my hobbies etc.

I It is hard and painful when you care about somebody and they don't reciprocate. I had a friend who I adored and I looked after her son while she started up her own business and got established, but then I got really sick and was unable to care for her son and she stopped being my friend so I felt very used and hurt but you just need to remember that you will make real friends throughout your life.

If you feel lonely and need somebody to talk to, email me and maybe we can be penpals? I live in Australia, not sure where you are at.

All the best hun.

Sherre - posted on 04/28/2010

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That is absolutely true! I have a few friends, some with kids but the ones without just don't understand being a parent.

Rebecca - posted on 04/28/2010

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All of my friends had kids before me and it never changed a thing for me. I was so happy for them and envious because i was told i would never have children. After many visits to a specialist we were blessed with our son. I still talked to my friends during their pregnancies and even after when they had the babies. Once i had my son only 1 talked to me on a regular basis and she lives almost an hour away from me. I was the first to have 2 kids and even now she is the only one talking to me. The others will when they see me out at the mall or something but in all honesty it pisses me off. We were friends for years before, why can't it stay that way. I stuck around even though i was hurting but for some reason they can't make the effort to get together. We are moving soon to another base and i can't wait to start a new life and get some real friends who don't' know me any other way but as a mother.

Heather - posted on 04/28/2010

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I agree. I have friends who are moms that once I had my son it was like just sitting there staring at each other b/c neither of us knew what to say. It just changes somehow. OR they don't have kids yet or their kids are bigger and forgot how it is to have a new baby around the house, how busy things can be during the adjustment period.

Louise - posted on 04/28/2010

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Absolutely! All your so called friends who don't have kids or want any seem to vanish or treat you like you have the plague! Mums tend to stick together though so I suppose we are at fault as well.

Leanna - posted on 04/28/2010

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oh yes i know excatly what u mean. i found oput i ahd no really frends when i had my daughter and that suck alot but i found new ones with kids and we get along better then my friends i had before that i had cared so much for. its weird but thats what happens.

[deleted account]

I think that sometimes the nature of your friendships change after you have kids, especially if your friends don't have kids or if your parenting style is different than theirs. True friendships will stand the test of time and the changes that life brings. The other friendships may change or end, but you will also make new friends with other moms who you now have something in common with! Kids! My 3 closest friends are women I met after my first child was born and we have been there for each other through many changes, good times, and hard times. Having kids changes your life in so many ways! Maybe your best friends are people in your life right now, or maybe they are people you haven't met yet. If your friends don't have kids, you can try to find more friends through a mother's group or at story time at your local library. When you have kids the same age, there is always something to talk about and other moms really understand the challenges of being a mom!

Pam - posted on 04/28/2010

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I realy don't think alot of moms have this issue with there friends. Most of the time issues like this arrise with friends because either there jelouse, don't like your situation, or don't understand the whole mother stuff. What exactly is your friends issues?

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