Relationship probs

Charlene - posted on 11/21/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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me and my hubby has now been married 6 years. i feel that i have been neglected and that i am fighting a battle that i can't win. His friends are more important than his family. When we stayed away from the friends in another town we had the time that we shared and i really enjoyed it so did our little girls. now since we stay in the town where his fiends are his spending more time with them and when he is home his just home not even spending time with us, now to top it all he doesn't talk with me regarding anything i heard from the friends that we will spent holiday together and i also hae my fam isn't it enough that he spend every day with his friends and that once a week comes home at about 1o'clock that isnow excluding weekends how must i feel and it doesn't help me to say something because he totally ignores me, is my marriage really going in a state where i must get a divorce?

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Desiree - posted on 11/26/2012

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I recommend finding a couples counselor to go to, and doing it as soon as possible. If you health insurance you can probably find one through that... I have Medicaid and I was able to find one who accepts it. If not just look up a couple in your area, and then ask them to give you referrals to others who do a sliding scale form of payment. Referral is a very good way to find one because they are all professionals in the same field and they tend to be very helpful (especially since helping people is what they do for a living!)



I also find that your mate's cooperation or lack of to try a couple's counselor is a good litmus test for seeing if they are even WILLING to work on the relationship at all. Chances are, if he wants things to improve then he'll be open-minded enough to consider it. If he gets defensive and flat out refuses, even after trying to discuss it a few times, then it's a signal that he's aware he's the one mostly at fault, and failing you as a husband, and he doesn't want a professional telling him that. Also make sure you find a male counselor! It's likely he'll view a female one as just someone who will take your side and not understand him.



My boyfriend is an alcoholic and this was my bottom line, my absolute "You must compromise for this one thing or I will leave." I was totally expecting that he'd find a way out of it even as we were driving to the first appointment! It turns out he was really wanting to work on the relationship, and that I've been communicating poorly and making him feel really bad. We've only been 4 times so far but we're both learning a lot and we've hardly had any arguments because we both want things to work out so much.



So bring it up... a man who strongly refuses counseling is not only scared of being blamed (which often means he's largely at fault), but also doesn't really want things to work fairly.

Annabelle - posted on 11/24/2012

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Comunication ia very important in a relationship and if i may add fundamental. Dont ignore this situation if you dont want your marriage to end. If you still love each other then do everything in your power to save your marriage. Good luck

Shelly - posted on 11/23/2012

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I'm going to ask you a question that I hope doesn't put you on the defensive. How do you treat him when he is at home? Is there a reason why he might not want to come home? I'm not excusing his actions, and please don't think that I'm blaming you, but you also need to look closely at yourself. Do you yell at him or nag at him when he is home? Does he feel like an outsider in his own home? No man wants to come home to that. We have only your side of the story, but there is probably another side as well. This would be my suggestion: Do whatever you can to make him want to be with you. What brought you together in the first place? Can you plan a date night with him and do some of the things you enjoyed doing while you were dating? When he is home, be positive, let him know what you appreciate about him, affirm him as much as possible, tell him that you miss him when he is gone so much. Talk to him, and see if you can agree to have certain days set aside for family, and then plan interesting activities to do together. You may need to take the initiative in the start, but hopefully he'll get involved soon as well. I wish you all the best!

Charlene - posted on 11/21/2012

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i'll defnitely talk to him.Then there is the other thing that also bothers me is the fact that him and his friend is in partnership and they wok together see each other each and everyday, some days he doesn't even come home he goes to his friends partner and drink. One don't mind but why must this even happen during the week. And he tells me thats how they talk business.

Krystle - posted on 11/21/2012

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Marriage is work. I feel your pain and frustration! I think all couples go through ups and downs like this it's how you work through them that determines how you come out of it. You DEFINITELY need to talk to him one on one w/ no distractions in a calm environment. Don't yell just keep your cool no matter what he says and just express your feelings. Tell him that if things don't change the two of you may need to re-evaluate your relationship. He will either respond by saying he understands your feelings and respects them and you as his wife and will try to make more of an effort to be there or he will choose his friends. He has to WANT to make it work b/c a marriage is two people, you can't push him to do things or be someone he doesn't want to be. Give him the opportunity to decide whether he wants to fight and work through this or if he wants to go in a different direction. I wish you lots of luck and prayers!

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