Resentful feelings!

Julie - posted on 03/09/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Does anyone ever resent your husband for getting to go to work everyday? I do! I love that I can stay home with my kids, but some days when he comes home and talks about going out for lunch that day, or about different activities he does with his work, I want to scream because I just had a day of wiping butts, digging things out of the toilet, and trying to scrub a whole bottle of syrup out of the carpet, among my regular chores! Then on weekends he just wants to stay home and relax! Which means I have another person to clean up after, and another two days in the house. Don't get me wrong I have a wonderful husband, I just need him to understand why I get so frustrated when all he wants to do is sit around the house! Then gets to leave and go to work again!

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Leisel - posted on 03/17/2009

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I find weekends hardest. Before I was a sahm I looked forward to a relaxing weekend but as everyone has said because our husbands are home we end up waiting on an extra person and if we have older children who are usually at school in the am we have to deal with them too.



I eventually pointed out to my husband that weekends are hard for me. I don't think it had ever occured to him.



Quick point about discussing anything with your husband...DO NOT do it when you are frazzled or at the end of your rope, or emotional. Tears make men defensive and this decreases their responsiveness tenfold!



Men respond to logic, so make your case well thought out and brief. Write it down first if you must, he will take you much more seriously and be less likely to "write you off" as hormonal!

Liana - posted on 03/17/2009

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I think a lot of us feel that way but you need to remember that he is working and so are you.  While he is gone the house and kids are your job when he's home it needs to be split equally.  We have 2 kids with a 3rd on they way and it takes a while cus you have to remember untill he's stayed home alone with the kids he wont understand and is probably feeling resentful of you for spending so much time with the kids.  Do a  list of jobs that need doing at the weekend one of you watch the kids while the other does some jobs and then swap.  We've found this is the best way to get things done and so we both spend quality time with the kids.  Just try to remember you are probably both jelous of one another and you need to sit down and talk it through.

Carrie - posted on 03/17/2009

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I completly understand!!! my husband likes to fish and hunt so on weekend i am still at home doing the same thing that i do all week.

Angela - posted on 03/16/2009

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what i resent more is when he comes home, and thinks that his day is done. Just because the woman has the bay, and chooses to stay at home full time, does not mean the child/house is hers to deal with. Some men just take longer to adjust to fatherhood.

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Sara Elizabeth - posted on 01/07/2013

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YES! Except I go to a private university full time... and I am just swimming...
My child is a prodigy, but does not want to toilet train. She is cutting her two year molars.. I can NOT wait to go back to the grind! His family has changed her child care, and I DO NOT know what rock his neanderthal thinking tail crawled out from under, but I am really needing help!! I am doing all I can, but I am frustrated, bewildered, and sometimes blindsided. I seriously do not want this to affect my child..

Katherine - posted on 03/31/2009

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Can I relate?  Yes, yes, yes!  Before I had kids, I was always on the go, working AND going to school AND visiting family and friends.  Now, I'm lucky if I leave the house once a week.  I remember going shopping and buying stuff for me; now that'd make me feel guilty.  He tells me all the funny or interesting stuff he heard or saw at work, and all I got is "This one time, on Elmo's World..."

Phyllis - posted on 03/17/2009

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I have those days too. Sometimes if feels like too many of them. You do have to express your feelings and try to make him understand that you have a job too. I think that we mom's have to start taking a few moments for ourselves. Find something to get you out and have some you time. Which in turn gives daddy some parenting time. When he sees what it is like to have the children all day, he should be able to appreciate you more and because you have a break from the household then you appreciate your kids and husband a whole lot more. I'm just starting to do that and I feel better about everything and my patient levels are coming back. It is funny how we let our hopes and dreams fall to the side when we have children. We really have to remember to give ourselves the ME time we need to be the best that we can be. I hope this is helpful.

Melissa - posted on 03/16/2009

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I never get upset with my husband for working.  Him working is why I get to stay home.  he works 12 hours a day (not including his commute).  He only gets to see the baby (7 months) for about an hour each morning, and when he gets home at night around 11 pm the baby is asleep.  On the weekends he gets so excited to spend time with out little man- and that means that I can take a nap if I feel like it, or just relax.  He likes to do something, but not saturday and sunday both (it makes his weekend seem too short).  It does suck that my cleaning increases on the weekends when we're both home all day, but I just do it.

Heidi - posted on 03/12/2009

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I am lucky in the fact that my husband stayed home with our first daughter for 1.5 years while I worked. He vowed to never forget how hard it is to be a stay at home parent, and appreciated all the little help I did offer like meals and cleaning the kitchen on the weekends. I hated working, and just wanted to come home and play with my daughter every day.

So now we have two kids, I'm at home, he's working, and sometimes he does forget what it was like! He too will sit on the couch all weekend. But all I have to do is remind him for a second and he agrees he's been taking advantage. It's all about appreciation and respect I think. I try to get out once a week with family or friends, that's my sanity.

Kelly - posted on 03/10/2009

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Can I relate? Heck yeah! I have 4 children 5 and under. But even with one, I needed to get out, but never really asserted myself. I felt guilty that it was my job to take care of him, that I was neglecting my children, and he certainly helped cultivate these feelings by not wanting me to leave him with the kids. I just couldn't take the complaining and guilt trips. But when I got prego with #4 (a TOTAL surprise), and was already overwhelmed and exhausted, I said that's it. You have got to help out more, and I have got to have time away. I don't feel guilty about making it in the budget for a sitter, and I don't feel bad that he comes home to a sitter and a messy house. And he has gotten much better, and even offers to help out or for me to go. Time together? We're still working on that. But at least when I go to my ladies bible study, I get to be with other adults, and talk as much as I want! :D



So my point is, you need to talk to him, and say you need him to give you time off, where he takes care of the kids, the meals. the dishes, whatever. Switch off weekend days or something, so he gets a day off, and so do you. If he understands that you are becoming resentful (and that that could hurt your love life) he will be more inclined to listen and pitch in.  GL.

Lynne - posted on 03/10/2009

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I think this feeling is very normal. I have spent many hours trying to explain this to my husband - that I need a break now and then - and it takes awhile for it to sink in. But, I agree with some of the previous posts, you have to figure out a way to carve out some time for yourself during the week. Even if it's just an hour a week where you go by yourself to read or do whatever you like to do. (And grocery shopping doesn't count! :) It took us awhile but that is what I have done. I also work part time (from home in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed), so basically my day is take care/clean up after the kids all day, get dinner on the table, get the kids to bed, then drag out my laptop and work until about 10 at night. So I know it can be hard to get that hour. However, usually on Saturday or Sunday, I take an hour to scrapbook locked in a room by myself. I also meet some friends for dinner/drinks once every few weeks which keeps me sane.

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I dont get upset about him working during the week but my husband also wants to sit down at home on the weekend doing nothing. That is really frustrating. My husband says that I have gone out all week, yeah to music class for 45 mins one day where I sit in another room just waiting for my son to finish class. Or swimming lessons for an hour while I sit an watch my kids swim. Or to the shops to get the groceries. All with the kids and for the kids and only for an hour max then Im back home again. Even if I take the kids to the park he thinks that is going out enough to not need to on the weekend. I just go out with my 3 good friends every weekend. I do mostly take the kids with me but I have 3 eager babysiters ready to jump in and do stuff for them. Occasionally I just tell my husband we want to see a movie or I cant take the kids for another reason and I just leave them!

Jennifer - posted on 03/10/2009

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OMG...I felt guilty for feeling the same way....I have three kids....5, 3 and 8.5 months...I get so mad when people tell my husband...."you so have your hands full".....he does not!  I have my hands full....I usually meet him at the door when he gets home and just proceed to lay into him about all the stuff that I have had to deal with....mostly I just think I am so ready for adult conversation....Women who tell me that they envy me for getting to stay home don't have a clue what it is like....don't get me wrong...I love my kids and would not ever want someone else to raise them while I worked on my career but man....sometimes it sure would be nice to get to dress up and go to work everyday....Just to feel like I am contributing to the household.....Hang in there...you are not alone!

Lynda - posted on 03/10/2009

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I totally understand how you feel.  My husband was working out of town for the last 2 years.  I would get calls like, "I'm going out with the guys for a couple drinks" or "I'm going to a buddies to help him...." or "I went shopping for ...."  When I got those calls I would get really upset, especially the last little while because we didn't have the kind of the money to spend like last year.  We live on an acreage about 20 minutes from any town and I wanted to save the fuel for important stuff.  Anyway, I decided this year that I am going to try and focus more on myself.   We have a 6 year old and a 4 year old.  The 6 yr old is in Kindergarten and the 4 yr old is in playschool.  That was my time to work out, go shopping or just spend time to myself. 



Now my hubby is working around home and is home every night.  I told him as soon as he started back around home that a friend of ours and I were going out once a week on Tuesday (that way he can't complain that he made plans...because he has to work the next day and the movies are cheaper that day if we wanted to go to a movie).  He had no problem with that.  I did not ask him I told him nicely that this is what we wanted to do and he agreed.  He needed to start bonding with the boys again anyway.  I have been doing this for 2 weeks now and today will be the third time to do this and I tell you I feel rejuvinated and ready to take on the world after going out.  We go out after supper and don't come home unil midnight.   I feel tired, but really relaxed the next day!



This is what I have done, I don't know if it would work for you, but I would try and do something on your own during the weekend for a couple hours while your husband stayed with the kids.  That way he is still at home relaxing and you are getting out. 

Ann - posted on 03/09/2009

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I am so with you Julie, I have a 2 yr. old daughter (Emily) that I stay at home with, and as it is nice to do it is also very very hard as well on me at time's...I see my husband who is a very hard worker, but can leave the house when he want's and can socialize and have more of life then I ever had, (Because we also have a son together that is 14) we got pregant when we were in high school- 16 yrs. old at the time) now were both 31 and YES, still together!



Were also trying for #3 as well...so I guess that mean's I'll be home even more..HAHAHAHA



Even thought we both probably know that our husban's aren't out doing bad thing's or cheating on us...there working or maybe running aran's for us, which my husband does requently for me....But I soooo understand your pain..it's so frustating all the time and I get very moody and upset and like you said RESENTFUL...I personnely don't see anything wrong with how we feel, I have told my husband how I feel numeroues time's, but we really don't get anywhere....I also know how you feel about your hubby wanting to do NOTHING on weekend's or complaning about it if they have to , laying around doing nothing doesn't really work for me ......well here we go off to another boring day tomorrow, Stay @ Home Mom's!!



Where do you live?? we live in Pa.

April - posted on 03/09/2009

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I have definitely had those days! The main thing is that I do have to remind myself that although he is gone for his job, that is where he is, at his job, not hanging out with his buddies at the local bar (I assume-lol!) this helps when I feel overwhelmed by all that is going on at home. ALSO< I think you should express how you are feeling to your husband. (I know you are working hard all week at work, and would like to come home and relax, but I am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by the amount of craziness at home here and need to unwind too. what can we do to help us BOTH relax on the weekend/ once he's home) it sucks to hear, but its true, his job and your job during the day are just different, not easier, better, etc... and you both need to appreciate what the other does!

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