SAHM Finances HELP!!

User - posted on 04/26/2011 ( 45 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have never agreed on finances. Recently he dictated that we would both put in 1/2 the amount for household bills and whatever we had left we would have to use to buy groceries every other week, clothes for the kids, and anything else we decided we needed. I am a stay at home Mom but I work part time. The kids come with me to work in the morning, I get home about noon, clean, prep dinner, do laundry, grocery shop etc., until 9 pm when my husband finally gets home. I make a little over half of our monthly bills leaving me with $300 for groceries, gas etc., while he is the breadwinner and pockets over $1500k for himself. I need to register my car (6 months late) but I haven't been able to because I just can't afford it out of my earnings. He says that because I am the one who wanted to be a stay at home mom, I need to just deal with it. AAAAHHHH! I don't know what to do. IS this a productive and reasonable way of doing finances? Is he right to say that he won't share his money for my needs and what I consider to be neccessities because I made my bed as a stay at home mom? It was a mutual decision to get married and have kids, right? I don't know. Any suggestions help.

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Rachel - posted on 04/27/2011

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Make sure you document EVERYTHING!!! Write down dates and what was done and said.

Amber - posted on 04/26/2011

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If he wants to have things separate and for you both to contribute to bills, then it should be allocated to each of you based on your proportional income.

I'm just going to make up easy numbers so that you can see an example.
Say your month combined income is 100. His is 75 and yours is 25.
Then he should pay 3/4 of the bills and you should pay 1/4.

It's fine for you to pay bills if you are both happy with having your own money to spend, but it should be based on how much you make not a flat rate.

The way that he has set it up is purposefully hard on you and gives him extra money to blow on whatever he wants. He knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to do things this way.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 04/27/2011

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Leave..... no legal right to step child, and take your child and RUN before he gets worse about it. OMG I wish you the best

Stephanie - posted on 04/27/2011

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Honey you need to find a Good lawyer and let them know what your husband *cough butt* has been doing! And get a good one because as a Mother of three if you get a good one they can make sure 'oh he who wants to keep all his money' pays court cost and even for your lawyer. With a hubby who acts like he does you really have to worry about what kind of Father he is too... he seems way more worried about his bank account than his children.

Jennifer - posted on 04/26/2011

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no mother deserves to be disrespected the way he has been to you. tell him you could live without him because he is already gone so much and he would have to pay out more in child support than what you get from him now. make him straighten his ass out... stand up for yourself girl. fortunately i have a great husband that would never treat me like that, we struggle monthly together so we can have me at home with the kids, he understands the importance but never will he understand the true selflessness and emotional drain i put out daily to give my 4 children the life i think they deserve!! you have the hardest job there is and deserve respect for it!

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Christina858585 - posted on 10/17/2013

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honestly this is an issue that should have been resolved before marriage and definately before babies.
but unfortunatly you set the president for tolerating this selfish jackass behaviour from your hubby by letting it go this long.
u need to put your foot down and tell him that the money that needs to be put into the household bills and exspenses must and will be porpotionate to income. its not fair that you have next to no fun money and he has over a friggin grand!? that's insane! marriage is a partnership and one person making more doesn't mean that they should have more power in deciding how the money is spent. if the roles were reversed do you honesyly think he would stay with you? honestly he'd leave you in a heartbeat. dont be a doormat. demand your fair share. and if he has a problem with that, ask him how much money he thinks hell see after he starts paying alimony and child support every month. and if that doesnt work then serve the papers.

Lisa - posted on 05/09/2011

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Why are you the only one paying for groceries, etc.? Or am I reading that wrong? It's illegal to drive a car without registration so tell him the situation isn't working and needs to be retrified.
Figure out what the monthly bills are including mortgage, insurance, groceries, cable, phone bills, utilities and budget extra each month for things like vehicle maintenance and upkeep and kids clothing. That's the amount of money that needs to be put into the "household" account. Once that amount is covered each month, the rest of the money can be used for savings or luxury items.

But if you don't have enough to pay for things like your vehicle registration, then he's not paying his fair share of the bills.

Erin - posted on 05/09/2011

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Julianna, have you asked him if he is wanting out of the relationship. Because this is not a normal relationship. My husband and I have always had both our money go into the same account. So we've never had this issue.But if it feels like he's giving you an altimatum, then ask him if that's what he has planned. Because that what it feels like he's doing

Marylea - posted on 05/02/2011

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No offense but you're husband sounds like an asshole. I haven't read the other posts but that is a terrible way of doing finances. Why on earth would be get $1500 for himself? You work part time and take care of your family the rest of the time, that is a job if he's making more money then he should be giving more than you are for bills and groceries etc. My husband and I don't do your money my money. Its our money, I'm a stay at home mom he's the bread winner but all the money is ours and its distrubted fairly. I think you and your husband need to have a talk and work a better plan for your money.

check out my blog at
www.me-myselfandbaby.blogspot.com

Michelle - posted on 05/02/2011

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It sounds a lot to me like you "solved" one problem and he created 10 more. I'm not sure that I actually think he's really interested in saving your marriage or not. A marriage counselor would advise you as to whether you had an issue to work out without your husband or not. Some things to think about: What happened to the money that he took out of your account and would he do it again? Prenatal care for your a child that is both of yours is not your personal expense. On top of that do you have to pay for the kids medical bills? If you settle these issues will he come up with ten others? You can keep trying to work it out if you want to but I would be cautious and try to save some money for yourself in an account that he doesn't have access to. I don't know the complete situation but I'm having trouble believing he's wanting and intending to stay in this marriage.

Michelle - posted on 05/02/2011

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It really sounds like he doesn't care about you or your guy's child. I'm assuming he has healthcare and he's to cheap to help pay for his child's care? That's just my two cents. A loving partner respects you, is supportive, wants your input, etc. Don't get me wrong relationships are hard work with its ups and downs, but come on he doesn't sound like he cares about you. Sounds like he's treating you like a roommate with 'special' favors. It sounds like you might be better off divorcing and getting child support. At least that way he'll be helping financially with his child's care if nothing else.

User - posted on 05/01/2011

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Ok, we have agreed to a 70/30 split in finances which is more realistic to what This excludes medical bills since he does not feel like he should split my medical bills (including prenatal care) with me. Good news is, we finally agreed on something. Bad news is, I still feel like he is only married to me for money, sex, childcare, and housekeeping. We have done marriage counseling, and it has been great but now he wants me to get my personal problems fixed before he will go to counseling with me. I can't afford personal counseling. I feel like I am being forced into a corner and the only options I will be left with are to bow to his demands or divorce him. I don't know anymore. I just want to crawl under the covers, cry myself to sleep and never get out of bed.

Rachel - posted on 04/30/2011

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Well I just went from being practically a stay at home mom with a part time job to the only one working and it is still our money. now my boyfriend stays home with the kids while i work. when he wants or needs something if we can afford it we get it. I guess my relationship is different since he doesnt drive. I personally think you need to get out of that relationship and take your kid(s) with you. go to domestics immediately and file for child support. do not put up with that your kids do not have to see that because that is not the right way to treat a woman or any person for that matter. Also talk to a lawyer about him draining the money out of the account go to the bank and get statements of how much was in the account before and after he took the money out. good luck and get out of that situation. you can make it on your own and dont need him.

Stifler's - posted on 04/30/2011

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No, just no. He shouldn't be pocketing money for himself while you have to struggle to pay for stuff. Ridiculous. Tell him to grow the fuck up and give you money.

Karen - posted on 04/29/2011

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i dont know whats oing through his head but in our house my husband works and i stay at home to look after the kids we have 6 under7 and all the money is OURS together i thought that was what happened in marriage you are a team and it is extreamly unreasonable for him to think he can keep his money does he pay you to look after the kids and cook , clean then he should if that is the way he wants to dictate the finances .good luck

Chrissie - posted on 04/29/2011

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I was on all bank accounts, had access to all accounts, and all bills before we got married. My last relationship was that way and it never changed.

Constance - posted on 04/29/2011

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I don't know what he is thinking but my husband pays for everything. I make money too but I help when I need to take care of extra stuff. I always have paid for extra activities for te kids and us for family. He would never dream of telling me I had to be responsible for half the bills.
If he ever did it wouldn't last long but I am very vocal. I defidently wouldn't be driving around with an unregistered car. Have you ask him how you are going to pay for a ticket. I would tae money on Monday and take care of the car. But I surely won't sit back and dea with the way he is acting.

Natasha - posted on 04/29/2011

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I haven't read any of the other replies to this, but I don't think that's right. When you get married, what's yours is his and what's his is yours. If he is working full-time, he should take pride in providing for his family and do just that. I'm a SAHM but work a little on the side by helping to tutor the kids my neighbor babysits. My husband doesn't expect me to give 1/2 of the little I make to pay the bills. He gladly take responsibility for them. The money I make (which is only about $30 a week) goes into the kids' birthday fund or our anniversary getaway fund.

Camille - posted on 04/29/2011

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I think you shouldn't contribute half the monthly bills because it should be in proportion to what you earn and what he earns given that he earns more. Let's say, as an example, that you earn $1,000 a month and he earns $3,000 and the monthly bills are $1,200. You can't contribute half (that in the example I give you, you have to pay $600)!!!! A reasonable amount to pay would be less than half of that ($250 or $275) because he earns more than double the amount than you. Hope that helps and that my example is not annoying. I don't give a specific percent since I'm not a financial adviser but I have always thought that what a part (in a marriage) pays has to be in proportion to earnings and whom earns more, pays more.

Tori - posted on 04/28/2011

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I don't understand why he is making it out to be his money and your money and you have to split bills when the money coming in is not equal. I am a SAHM because my husband and I both agreed together that it was the best option for our family. He is the only one bringing in money right now but I mainly manage our finances and make sure bills are paid. Even before we got married, we had a joint account and worked on bills equally, we still had our own seperate money, but when it came down to he was making more, I was working less hours and raising our daughter when my tags came around, he helped me pay for them because he knew I paid other bills. I think you and your husband need to sit down and you need to voice your worries and concerns. Like you said it was a mutual agreement to have kids, just because you are the one staying home doesn't make you beneath him to where he can dictate what is going to happen. Marriage is a constant working between 2 people who compromise and work to come to agreements. Keep your head up and hope it clears up soon

Brandy - posted on 04/28/2011

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Marriage counseling asap. This is not ok.. Not meeting your needs (and the kids needs too since I assume He makes those things your responsibility) so that he can basically hold you hostage is not ok. Please see a professional to work this out, because this is not just about money.

Jamie - posted on 04/28/2011

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Oh, I'd like to add that other than occasional babysitting jobs and selling a few handmade Items I've not had a job in my entire 8 year relationship with my husband. The money I made was mine to spend however I wanted (usually not enough to pay any bill) if we needed groceries I would buy them with my $ if he could not. If I need clothing, he buys it. If I ask for $ for something I want, if we can afford it he will either buy it for me or give me the $. DD needs something again, he buys it. I cook dinner 5/7 the week usually homemade and when I don't cook it's because we have leftovers that I won't waste or we happen to go out. I do all the housework and care for our daughter on my own. When he's home he will help keep and eye on her so I can have a little time to myself.

Jamie - posted on 04/28/2011

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Until I was an adult I always thought that money made by either parent was "Family money". My dad was Air Force and my mom was mostly a SAHM with the occasional part time job until I was about 8 yo (siblings were 2 & 3) All the money went into the same checking account in both their names. Nobody asked for money, they did discuss spending it outside of necessities. I couldn't believe it when I heard of married couples who split bills and had separate accounts. I could maybe understand if you had children from a previous relationship but at the same time when he chose to be in you life he chose to be in the child's life and should help.. Since he apparently want you to work you should show him how much $ you would make and how much you would have after paying for daycare, gas etc for you to work. If your like most people you'll probably end up with about $20 in you pocket. Not to mention that's less time for you to clean, cook and all the other things that you do. Does he at least contribute to the kids wants and needs?? What does he spend "his" money on?

Susan - posted on 04/28/2011

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I am British and living in Switzerland with my British partner and our 15 month old daughter. The Swiss are very organised and your partner has to make a financial agreement to recognise your worth as the care giver. The going rate for looking after a child is 750CHF a month. That is your wage from your partner. All major expenditure on the children is paid for by him.
If you are working then the calculation takes your wage into account. They even write down the percentage you and your partner split the childcare by! I get 100% during the week and at the weekend we are 50%.
You are a partnership. Is he doing this as he expects you to have a full time job? You need to talk and explain that you are putting 'unpaid' work into the family pot that needs to be taken into account.
I am of the opinion that money earned is for the entire family and there should be no his and yours.
Maybe you have different expectations from your husband. Did he not want you to be a SAHM?

Alexis - posted on 04/28/2011

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Halving bills sounds fine, but be sure and send him a bill for child care and maid service during the hours that he is working since that is your 2nd job and he is responsible for half of the cost.... ;)

Michelle - posted on 04/28/2011

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It sounds like he is getting ready to leave you like another poster said. I would be extremely pissed by his disrespectful, offensive, discourteous attitude. I'm not even sure counseling would work at this stage. It sounds like he has no respect for you. Not to be whatever, but does he even like/love you anymore. If somebody loves you they don't treat you like this. I would start covering my a**. Make copies of what's in your accounts, credit cards, anything that is yours and yours and his together. Ask around for a good divorce lawyer. Think about where you will stay and to take care of the kids, etc. I guess what I'm saying is be prepared and don't be surprised.

Personally, I would give him an ultimatum. We do counseling and figure out our issues or we are separating. You don't deserve that kind of crap.

When my husband and I were having our most troubles and it was looking like there could be a possibility of divorce I talked it over with my parents about what to do. For instance, where was I going to live, work, who's going to watch the kids and such. Once I had a plan of action I felt not so out of control and then matter of factorly told my husband if he and us doesn't do counseling and see actual results by a certain period of time then I was going to move in with my parents. That woke him up and we did counseling in the beginning and he regularly sees a counselor to help with his issues. Things are much better.

You deserve a true partner. You need to think about what you want out of a relationship and what your kids needs are and by a large part kids learn from their parents relationships. So do you want your kids to see that it's okay to disrespect someone else, the tension, and so forth.

Good luck!

Rachel - posted on 04/28/2011

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From your reply, it sounds like trouble is brewing to me too. You are a person, you have rights. You are a person, a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a child of God. You matter. Your thoughts and feelings matter. As I wrote before, write EVERYTHING down. Put it in a safe place. Talk to your family, your friends. Let them know what is going on. It might be that he is just a jerk right now, but it sounds like more to me. But be rational. Be sane. Be reasonable. Maybe it would be good to talk to him with someone else present. Tell him your thoughts and feelings, but have a witness... or two or three. Make it known that this is not ok. But again, do it wisely. Be calm, if possible. I know this situation can't be easy for you. We all marry with the idea that the person we marry will love us and respect us like we need and deserve. Sometimes that isn't the case. Remember you have worth. Your children have worth. They need you. Your husband can't take that worth. Nobody can. I hope this works out for you. Whatever the situations are, they can be good. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and He shall direct your paths." :-)

[deleted account]

You should be a partnership - very rarely will two people in a relationship earn exactly the same amount of money and it sees to me to be completely daft that one of the couple would have more expendable cash than the other. If he can't cope with letting you have some control over all of his money maybe suggest a first step of you putting in the same percentage of your wages that he does so that he is putting in more actual cash as he earns more, hopefully that will leave you with more at the end of the day even if it isn't the full amount that you deserve!

Wendy - posted on 04/27/2011

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I am so sorry to hear this! He is disrespecting you. My opinion is he is setting you up to leave you and probably go for the "unfit mother" routine in court. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Move into a safe enviroment with your biological child or children. A family member or friend. DO NOT be afraid to throw a restraining order on him if you feel you or your children are in danger! Make sure you do NOT leave the state with your child...they can arrest you for that. Some women stay in relationships because they feel there is no way to make it on there own and take care of the kids. YOU CAN DO IT ! It may not be easy but have faith in yourself! The gov. will help with childcare, WIC, etc. There will be a child support order placed on him and probably he will be made to have mandatory health ins coverage for your children. I am not sure what state you live in, but there is help. Your Local foodbank is a good place to get food.(I know it can be a bit embarassing) Continue working to have that going for you when you have to go to court. The court wants to see that you CAN raise your children. Open yourself an account in just your name to keep your money seperate from his now. Lean on family and friends, because it sounds like you are about to go through some difficult times, but keep your head up! You deserve better than this and don't EVER forget that! I wish you the best♥

Amber - posted on 04/27/2011

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If he's taking money, taking your rights away, and kicking you out, get a lawyer and do it fast! It is illegal for him to take all the savings in a joint account!

Take your child and get the hell out. He's getting ready to kick you out anyway. DO NOT give him any more money. Pick the daycare YOU want, and the court will make him pay for it. It is not his decision.

Do everything through the court, and start doing it now before he completely screws you over!

Michelle - posted on 04/27/2011

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I forgot to tell you to use some of the money you would have used on the bills and get your car registered and insured. Also get your own bank account going if you don't already. That way he can't take more then he already has. Like other people said document everything.

Krys - posted on 04/27/2011

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The way to do finances IF a couple decides to split 50% down the middle is by choosing a percentage of your income. Him making that much more and expecting you to put the same amount in as him is ridiculous. As for these new advances, you need to get out of there, you and your children deserve better than this. Make sure not to give him another dime of your money!

Ericka - posted on 04/27/2011

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ok so if i am reading this correctly you are married so splitting the bills is really adolescent. i am a stay at home and have a part time work from home job and my husband pays all the bills. we use what i make for emergencies or unplanned expenses and fun every now and then. you need to pool all earnings pay all the bills budget groceries and then take what is left split it into thirds, i use thirds because you should always have money going into a savings or emergency fund incase of an emergency ie medical bill, natural disaster, accident etc. you need to talk to him and if he doesnt listen then possibly a financial consultant to help him to understand that daycare is horribly expensive and by you being a sahm you are actually saving a lot of money. depending on how many kids you have and their ages and where u live determines day care cost but daycare here is between 250 and 300$ per week per child!

Jennifer - posted on 04/27/2011

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find a new place and try to get a job and any government aid you can for the time being. be strong!! you are the one who gets to make the decisions in your life.... not him.

Rachel - posted on 04/27/2011

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It IS a mutual decision, yes. It also is a decision that means you SHARE EVERYTHING!!! If you didn't intend to share, then why get MARRIED?? The HOUSEHOLD earnings need to be split to pay bills, buy food, pay for car registration, etc. If he has a problem with that, well... that's too bad. That's what marriage is for. A mutually beneficial agreement to love, respect, care for, raise children, etc. They are his children also, so it is only right that he help you take care of them. NOT just take all the money and do whatever he likes with it. I mean... worst case scenario, you could talk to him, tell him how it needs to be, he decides to not stick with the marriage, get divorced, pay you child support, and you find someone who will treat you right. I'm not advocating divorce here, but let's be realistic. If he can't share in the marriage financially, what else is he not sharing? Is he even helping you take care of your SHARED children???

Michelle - posted on 04/27/2011

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I think he's planning on leaving you. That's my gut instinct anyway. At any rate if there's someplace you can stay (like your parents) I would head there with the bio kids for a few days. See what happens. Don't pay the bills. Especially since he took all the money. Something is going on even if he's not planning on leaving and it seems like it's turning into an emotionally abusive situation. Good luck.

User - posted on 04/27/2011

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Thank you everyone for your responses. I agree that he is being a jerk and we need counseling. Just need to get him on the same page. Last night he presented me with my portion of the bills, told me I was no longer allowed at my stepsons school (his bio mother is not involved and I spend a lot of time volunteering in his classroom and carpooling back and forth with the neighbors.) He called the school and informed them I am not allowed on school grounds. Not only that, but I am not allowed any time with him... no play, no making him lunch or dinner etc., He is choosing a day care for our 17 month old and told me if I didn't like the one he chose, I had to pay the difference for the one I wanted. I have been kicked out of our bedroom. Spent half the night on a recliner in the baby's room, and the other half on the couch. He emptied our joint banking account and all our savings giving no explanation where it went. He is removing me from our car insurance policy.
WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!!?

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 04/27/2011

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Why on earth do you put up with this attitude from him?! I'd go to marriage counseling. There are some deep seated issues going on with your husband. If he married you and agreed to have kids and well, heck, even if he didn't....... this is part of his life now, he needs to deal with it. And guess what, tell him child support and a divorce will cost him ALOT more than just being more supportive as a parent. Yikes hun, I don't envy your position at all. That's aweful!!!!! Everything should go into one pot and all the basics taken care of (rent, diapers, food, etc) then if your husband feels its absolutely necessary not to share all his take home extra after these (which should include your car registration!!!!) then fine, give him a little more to play with but what a JERK. Seriously...... sign up for counseling and figure out what his problem is and get good solid advice on how to fix this problem.

Because if he were my husband I'd tell him it all goes into 1 pot, which I will pay all the bills, go shopping and then whatever is left over after our basic life needs are taken care of he can then touch. No way I'd live like that :(

Vicky - posted on 04/26/2011

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My husband and I agreed that if we ever had children I'd stay home to bring them up (instead of having a stranger do so in Day Care)... It's been VERY trying financially, but we've stuck to our original beliefs. It sounds like your husband didn't want to have children... what Real Man would refuse anything for his children?? He's being selfish. I agree with Jennifer - sounds like you're already a "single Mom"! He needs to come to grips with reality. You both need to sit down and talk this problem out together. Leave emotions at the door.

Stephanie - posted on 04/26/2011

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You could always tell him if you were divorced he'd pay alot more in child support for three kids... I know I'm evil but he's acting like an immature brat :P You could be nicer and point out the cost of child care for three to I guess... that would be half his expense too since he wants you to work...

[deleted account]

Michelle had it right--the money belongs to the whole family regardless of who brings it in.
We both have access to all of our accounts, but the personal account is where we pay bills and buy things from--it all comes out of the same account b/c it just seems silly to separate things out--no matter how you split it up, it's still the same amount going in and coming out. It is good to keep retirement savings, college savings, and healthcare $$ in different accounts to take advantage of tax breaks, but there is no reason to pay your power bill from one account and your car tax from another....They don't qualify for any tax benefit, so it just doesn't make sense.

Tell your husband all of the $$ should go into a single account, and use that account to pay for EVERYTHING.

Michelle - posted on 04/26/2011

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Okay you're married. The money you make is both of yours. That's crazy. He has no right to do that and he has to have some inkling that it's not fair. Maybe you can either charge him for childcare or tell him he has to pay for at least half of the daycare costs so you can go back to work full-time (don't leave out all his new shared responsibilities around the house since you won't be there to tend to them). It might change his mind a bit. I'm lucky. My husband works and I don't at all. It's all our money and we discuss together how it's spent. I probably get higher priority spending because I take care of the kids, groceries etc.

Bonnie - posted on 04/26/2011

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To be honest, I think he needs to just deal with it IMO. He is making a lot more for the family than you are as he is working way more. He should be paying for more and allowing you some extra money to buy a few things here and there for yourself or take the kids out. It works both ways.

[deleted account]

My hubby always support me for whatever decision i made and since i decided to be SAHM he gave me allowance just for my own needs apart from groceries and bills.. We both agree that hubby brings in money and everything else in the house is wife's responsibilities (kid's education, house cleaning, make sure meals r ready and nutritious, etc) It's not like SAHM just stay at home and do nothing rite?.. so ur husband must at least take care of all ur needs simply because he's ur husband. A man who takes care of his family's need (wife & kids) is a true gentleman.

Shannon - posted on 04/26/2011

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I am a SAHM because my husband and i both agreed that it was what was best for our family, we are in a partnership not a dictatorship. He makes all the money but i am the one that handles all the bills and making sure that we have all of our needs met and the bills are paid. I do not think your husband is being fair. As your husband he is supposed to take care of you and make sure your needs are met, or that is my understanding of the marital vows...

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