SAHM needs someone to tell her she is or is not crazy

Danielle - posted on 08/25/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I originally wen back to work about a month and a half after our son was born but after a long discussion with my Hubby we both decided that seems I will not budge on putting him in daycare that it would benefit us both, well all three if I just stayed home with the lil man. I dont argue and I definately DO NOT ask for much but it seems to me that gradually helping me when he is home and not at work doesnt matter to him in the least bit. Even if its just for me to take a shower... he gets all huffy. I do not know how to bring it up to him because when I try he gets on the defensive and thats not my intention one bit. HOw do I talk to him and him not get upset or give me the comments "well I work all day" or " I bring in the money of the house" when it was both our decision that it would just be best that I stay home with our son... ????
Am I just crazy, should I even get upset about this, I mean dont I deserve to have a 30 minute break to breath? Being a mother has been a gift from heaven, but I feel sometimes that I am losing me, and I do not want to get depressed or get the baby blues as they are called but if I cant talk to him how am I supposed to avoid that???
I guess Im just a bit confused on what I should do... or what can be done.

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Sally - posted on 08/27/2011

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Hand him the baby and leave for 8 hours. Don't ask just pick a time you know he's available and go.
When you get home make sure to ask why the house is dirty and dinner isn't ready.
I guarantee he'll pitch a fit about how awful his day was. Remind him that he expects you to do that every single day and without any help from him. Even the best husband needs a reminder of this every so often.
If he doesn't get it, you'll never get through to him. Then hire a babysitter for a couple hours a week while he's at work to get your breathing time.

Crystal - posted on 08/25/2011

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I think its safe to say that most SAHMs have been in the same situation at one point or another. You definitely deserve a break, and he should be happy to give you one. Unfortunately its probably gonna take some time for him to realize it. It may take a few talks, fights, crying sessions for him to take you seriously, but in your own way, you need to tell him what you NEED. Just because we become Moms doesn't mean we become less of an individual, and everyone needs some alone time. In most cases, its a mutual decision to become parents..therefore it falls on both of you to take care of your child. He needs to understand (early) that just because he financially supports the family doesn't mean his job as a DAD ends there. He needs to bond with your baby and spend some alone time, therefore giving you your alone time. If you feel like you can't talk to him, then you have to be harsh and do what Dara suggests -- leave him with the baby. Whether it be 30 min, an hour or more...whatever you're comfortable doing. Best of luck.

Dara - posted on 08/25/2011

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I do think that a lot of men are that way. They dont realize that being a stay at home mom is a 24/7 job. And it really is! Alot of men think they go to work and come home, their job is done. You are not crazy for getting upset about this. You do need a break and he needs to understand that. Maybe you shouldo give him a taste of what you do everyday so he can see how hard you really do work and maybe he will realize that you do need a break. My ex-husband was that way and I let him get away with it so I did everything but that just makes you bitter and miserable. There is a happy medium, you just need to find it. But....you are not crazy!!

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Bernadette - posted on 08/29/2011

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wow Carrie, sounds like you got a good one! My husband is flat out helping if I ask him too. He would never dream of just offering out of kindness!

Carrie - posted on 08/29/2011

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It is a decision you both made for you to come home and have a child. Rather you "planned" the pregnancy or not you both decided to keep the baby. There are days I don't get a shower before my husband gets home from work. on the weekends he lets me sleep in. He knows I bust my butt just as hard if not sometimes harder because our oldest is now in school. I now not only have to do all my regular things but also have to take her to and pick her up from school. I still manage to get things done. I rarely ask for help but he asks me to let him help. Honestly you should share your parent jobs. Of course give him time to relax and decompress but then he should help

Laura - posted on 08/28/2011

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You are not crazy, most dads don't have a clue how much it takes out of you to stay home all day and tend to your child and try to keep up with housework. It is mentally and physically exhausting, and dads should be supportive of their wives and give them breaks and help out around the house as well. I hope you have a support system of friends and family because it can be very isolating and yes depressing if you don't. I think you should try to express to him that it isn't an easy job to be a SAHM, and if he wants this for your family he needs to recognize how hard it can be and what you need from him - emotional support first, and then help with chores or whatever you feel you could use help with. If he had to stay home and tend to your son day in and day out he would realize that it is hard. I hope you can get him to see how important his support is for your mental health and for your family's well-being. You deserve at the very least time to shower, get out of the house now and then, get together with a friend once in a while, go to the gym or for a walk a few times a week. Your mental health is very important as you parent your young child. I've been through the baby blues, and I've felt many of the feelings you are feeling; fortunately I have a supportive husband who knows how hard it is to be a SAHM and gives me the support I need. Also, if he could look at it from another point too -- the times he can give you a break will give him more bonding time with the baby. Good luck.

Bernadette - posted on 08/28/2011

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I really hate the "I work all day" arguement - like mums are just relaxing on the couch all day while they are at home! We work too, but the difference is - they get paid and get to stop work once the business day is over. Mums don't get paid, and don't get to stop until the kids are in bed! If we just stopped at the end of business hours too, then what? Outside "work" hours, I think it should be the responsibility of both parents to look after the kids and do whatever needs doing around the house. Trying to tell that to my husband has made no difference though.....

Danielle - posted on 08/27/2011

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These posts have been really helpful and encouraging, I really was thinkin maybe I was asking tooo much of him, but honestly I knew I really wasnt. And we talked without me having to scream at him or shed a tear and he got my point and so far its been sooooo much better. He just comes and picks up our son out of my arms, gives him a bath if needed, feeds him, plays with him, and its been nice not having to worry about whether or not I need to ask him to hold him or entertain him. He even made me a hot candle lit bath and locked me in the bathroom and told me to disappear for an hour.... life has improved!!! Thanks for the advice everyone!!!!

Katherine - posted on 08/27/2011

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Grrrrr. That angers me. My ex used to do the same thing. Like we sit home and eat bon bons all day.
Of course you deserve a 30 minute break to breathe every SAHM does!

I would actually tell him a certain day of the week is your night to go out.
You should be able to talk to him!!! Why is he getting so defensive? A SAHM's job is 24/7 you don't GET a break.

I would calmly tell him that you are going out on Thursdays (or whatever day) and do it.

Melissa - posted on 08/26/2011

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a million moms are in your position so no you are not in the least bit crazy! Have him stay at home one day and do everything he expects of you.....also your baby is the priority not the house...You wouldnt put your kid in daycare to only have the daycare teacher clean all day and not watch and play with you LO...so you shouldn't be expected to.....if he doesn't give you a break you resentment will get worse and you'll totaly loose yourself.
I am not good on how to handle this though I myself am getting separated because I have had enough...my man is always doing things whenever he wants and spends money whenever he wants while I sit at home all day....i have had enough hoping a separation will help him see the emotional abuse he has done to me and changes....

Jayde - posted on 08/26/2011

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Yes you do deserve time for yourself and it sounds like a classic case of a man thinking because you stay at home he doesn't need to help, after all you are at home all day. You have to have a none defensive conversation and inform him that helping around the house is still needed and you need at least 30 min -1 hour by yourself. Your job is 24/7 and you deserve a few breaks during the day

Hailey - posted on 08/26/2011

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For the hours he is at work, you are a stay at home mom. That includes cleaning, meals and keeping house. When he gets home its 50/50!!! and that includes cleaning, meals and keeping house! i get cross at my partner if i have spent all day doing the house and he comes home and messes it up. He should not expect the kids to still be soley your responsibility 24/7, just the hours he works. He should not expect you to be a maid, he should do the dishwasher or stick a load of washing in every now and then without being asked. If he doesnt, he needs a seriour talking to, thats not really respecting you if he doesnt. Get him told! :-)

Casey - posted on 08/25/2011

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My view on this is. our childis ours 50/50 when you get home. Alternate bathing, feeding and bedtimes, so that every other day you can have a long bath, or go for a walk, or just do stuff without being interrupted :P i hope it gets better for you. Its about respect really, and that you have the right to have you time.

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