SAHM or not?

Feah - posted on 01/23/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I am 23, almost 24 in a committed 3year relationship. We are getting married when he finishes school(by October). We plan to actively attempt to get pregnant after that. I am a business owner. I own an in-home daycare(working on moving to a center by 2014). I originally planned to keep working and have my child/children raised with the daycare kids. Any thoughts? I love working but I am unsure of the effect the children could have on my kids,and me.I am a very independent woman and have worked since I was 15. Financially we can afford(and live comfortably without my income).

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[deleted account]

I think a lot of this depends on the child, how supportive your spouse is and how organised you are. I went back to work three days a week when my first was 5 months old. He was fine in day care and I was glad I still had time with him the rest of the week. When we moved when my husband got a new job when my son was 18 months old, I gave up my job so we could have a second baby. It wasn't till I stopped working that I realised the relief I felt at not having to work. I think I coped well with working, but I didn't realise how stressed I was until I didn't have that stress any more. The stress came as much from balancing baby illnesses with having to take time off work. When working, you have the competing interests of family and work and you cannot always put family first. I didn't work when I had my second. Instead I did a home study course so that when my second started school, started a business. It's still hard balancing my work and the family but at least they are at school during the day.

If you do decide to work, you will have to make sure you and your husband are on the same page. Neither of you can expect that you still have to do everything in the house as well as work and care for the children. There has to be things that he does and there has to be things that you let slide because you just can't do everything. As long as you go into it knowing where you stand, there should be less arguments. Also, you will have to be organised. Being organised saves so much time in the long run (for instance, putting a meal in the slow cooker before going to work will save having to cook when you get home or laying clothes and bags out before bed saves time in the morning, etc). I would recommend this for stay at home mums as well. Being organised has kept me sane as a mum. And finally, you will have to be prepared just in case your baby does not take well to nursery or your baby is ill or your baby has special needs and so on. You have to have contingency plans in place. Who will watch the baby if you have to work and the baby is ill? These are just a few things you should consider before hand and if you do, it shouldn't be as stressful afterwards. I think it's harder to be a working mum, but it can be done well if you plan ahead. Good luck! :)

[deleted account]

Btw, I am able to continue owning a business and still be a sahm. I don't make nearly what I used to because I now have to pay managers to do my work for me, but I still like being involved. That might be an option for you once you move your daycare into a center. You can take the place of figure head while employees care for the children and managers run your facility. That way, if you want to go back to work, it is still there waiting for you. That is pretty much what I do--I work about 2 hours a month, if that...but I like it, I feel like it is an important part of my life and identity even though I'm not devoting as much time to it anymore.

[deleted account]

Only you can make that decision. I am a business owner as well, unfortunately my career did now allow me to work with my child by my side, and I struggled with this decision for years before finally settling in as a sahm when my son was 4 years old. He is 8 years old now and I am still happy--but it was a rough start.

I don't know about the effect the daycare children will have on your children. Personally, I think it would be difficult to provide care for both my own child & other children without showing favoritism toward my child....but then, I'm not great with kids, so it might not be a problem at all for someone who loves children.

Also, like you, I had always worked before I became a sahm. I struggled with a feeling of worthlessness without my pay cheque until I came to terms with the idea that a dollar sign does not define my worth as a person. It seems simple to say "I know my worth is not based on my career. I know I am valuable as a mother and wife." but actually living it day to day required a little therapy and creativity for me. I went back to work 3 times!

I LOVE being a sahm now. I have time to pursue my passions--I volunteer actively in my community with our homeless shelters, our Fine Arts communities, and in my son's school. The volunteer positions I hold are far more fulfilling to me than my career every was. I do consider staying at home a luxury--I know it's not a luxury for everyone, but for me, it is because I know there have been many times in my life that I simply HAD to work, and I had to do whatever work was available in order to survive, but now I am able to chose work that I love.

I think that it is important for sahm's to maintain an identity beyond "mom". Especially those of us who have always worked, because work defines us in today's society. When we think Sahm, we think of wearing sweats all day, chasing kids around a messy house, and having no time for ourselves. It doesn't have to be that way at all, but it's easy to fall into that rut.

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