Scared to be a stay at home mom!!

Jackie - posted on 09/05/2014 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi, I have always worked. I have always been the "strong independent" type woman. One of the things my husband has always said is he loves that I "have my own life" i.e.: Im not clingy or needy. I have my own career and friends.

But we want to have a family. And he wants to be the bread-winner and have me stay at home. When I talk to him about not wanting to give up my career he just says Im a control freak (I'll admit, I am a bit). He says if I don't want to give up my career than we just shouldn't have kids.

I don't know what to do! Our relationship is so good in every other way. Im also SO afraid if I become a stay at home mom I will resent him following his career and that he won't even notice my contribution to our relationship anymore.

Signed,
Stressed

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Chet - posted on 09/07/2014

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It's never a good idea to go into something hoping you will change your mind once you get there, but a lot of moms who plan to go back to work decide that they really want to be at home once they actually have a baby. And a lot of people who plan to have a parent stay home decide that they can't afford to, or they don't want to make the lifestyle changes necessary to afford a parent at home. Be aware that you or your husband could change your mind on this. Especially since "control freak" parents can have an especially hard time handing the care of their children over to other people.

I actually think it's quite difficult to home alone with one baby. We have four kids, close in age, and I admit that I found the time at home long when we had just one... and I worked a little bit starting when she was 5 months old.

Which brings me to my second point... it doesn't need to be all or nothing. You can work some, or volunteer with your skills. The trick is finding the balance that's right for your family. It's generally a good idea with kids to not make hard and fast plans. My advice would be that you and your both plan to meet the baby and see how things go, expecting that what you imagined may not be what's the best fit for your family.

Lastly, try not to ascribe things like being clingy or needy to stay at home moms. You can have your own friends, your own projects, and lots of control and independence as a SAH parent.

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Lori - posted on 09/09/2014

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I totally relate to the op. I stayed home with my two before they went to school and it was strictly for the benefit of them. trust me, my mental health suffered (I ended up on anti-depressants) but I made it through.
I look back and still believe we made the right decision and I cherish the time I had with them but as soon as they went to school, I went back to work. starting part time and building back to my career. they are now adults. I never needed to work financially but emotionally, it was draining me to not have my own career/work success.
I love that if anything would have happened to my husband, I could have easily been "okay". I needed that security of knowing that financially I was also contributing. (I now make much more than him - which is kinda funny).

some women are perfectly fine with being sahm - and that works for their family. you have to do what is best for yours.

Tanya - posted on 09/08/2014

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OMG! I love being a stay at home mom...it's a lot of work...but worth it. I only have 1 daughter.

I have play dates, coffee dates, all kinds of activities... I would never want my daughter being told what to eat, when to eat, when to sleep, how long to sleep...when to play..etc.

You will love it! Like Chet Mc said you have to find a balance...However, my daughter has always been with me every single day...never once babysat...

You will make so many friends if you join activities...you will always be independent that's your personality. I hardly bother my husband at work and he respects everything I do at home (so will yours)...he rather work then take care of our daughter 24 hours a day. He says it's more work than work.

Michelle - posted on 09/08/2014

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Jackie - posted on 09/07/2014

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Hello,

Thank you so much for your reply! I have one daughter now and I found that when I was home with her for the first year I found it difficult to transition into a stay at home life. I had to go back for financial reasons but was relieved. Its like I felt I wasn't going to do a good enough job with her and I better let "the professionals" look after her while I worked. Im a great mom, I just worry I will go back into the "scared" mode when we have our second. Im hoping it was only that way because I had her before I was ready (8years ago) and I will be better now. I just found I couldn't "click" with her. Its totally different now that she is older. We relate very well.

I actually never said SAHMs were clingy and needy. My husband thinks most women in general are. Not in a bad way, he just prefers women who are very independent. Which I am, and I believe thats what is causing a lot of my worries about adapting to not having an income.

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