Sensitive Topic re. 18-year-old son and 10-year-old daughter

A - posted on 02/05/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hello! I'm new here and I'm sorry that my first topic has to be a delicate one. I'm not afraid to use "technical" terms here, but I'm not sure how others feel about that and how closely they are monitoring what their younger children are seeing. My children are 18 (boy), 14 (boy), 13 (girl), and 10 (girl). Because our house is small, we are very cramped and there is little-to-no privacy. I had less than none growing up myself as we were not allowed doors on our bedrooms (ever) or locks on the bathroom door. Any time, any place was fair game and punishments were permanent. (Ex - I rode the bike I saved up to buy outside the parking lot near our hose and lost priveleges all together. My older sister stopped off to get a slushie the one time she was allowed to borrow the car for school and parents took away her license).

I want to give my children some privacy, but I agree with my deceased mother (now) that people rebel/take advantage if given the opportunity and some things should NEVER be an option. I also realize that I was the kid who immediately went out and rebelled and got my butt kicked by the world. Of course, I blamed my parents for being to sheltering but really, a child who IS very sheltered has no business trying to be Independent at 18. Obviously, my 18 and 14 year old boys are relatively normal and I have an idea of what goes through their minds. I don't think that makes them bad or awful people and while I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, as long as it doesn't involve harming anyone, I get that. I really do. The only thing I could think to do when they stared a little too long at girls or in movies or were TOO locked into scenes was to distract them. Or, to ask what they liked about the girl they were referring to (favorite subject, what's she do for a job, what clubs is she in, etc.) I'd point out how sad it was that a girl felt she had to dress/act provocatively because she was someone's loved sister/daughter and how would they feel if someone looked at their sister's like that?

I had some terrible experiences growing up despite being sheltered and my problem is anything that degrades women/girls and dehumanizing them. Well. My 18-year old was taking care of himself in the shower when my youngest walked in on him. She had been holding it a LONG time (she's pee shy so doesn't go at school) and he had been asked numerous times to hurry it up already. There's a shower door, of course, but you can still see one's form. She screamed and I came running. I knew what was going on and I took her to a neighbor's to use the restroom.

I'm FURIOUS with TR for doing this around his sister and I was told later that wasn't the first time. My younger son told me that for years my oldest has been doing this in the bedroom while he was trying to sleep! My second-youngest said that both my boys make jokes about that and other things when they are supposed to be taking them home from school. I realize that it's normal and healthy to take care of yourself that way, but not in front of others! Especially not little sisters who aren't even developed yet! I'm just sick about this and beyond furious with them both, especially my oldest.

I'm also (selfishly) afraid that I could be accused of child endangerment but I did everything I could to make sure that awkward or disturbing things like that wouldn't have the chance to happen. One friend told me it's the same as a child walking in on their parents by accident but even my parents refused to be intimate when us children were home FOR THAT VERY REASON. I'm also disturbed because this wasn't just a one-time thing, it's happened more than once. Additionally, because of my past experiences that were negative, I'm wondering if I'm just oversensitive

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Jodi - posted on 02/05/2016

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Your children are all old enough to to be respectful of the privacy of others and knock before entering a bedroom or bathroom. That's all I have to say about that situation. If he was still in the shower and had been already asked to hurry, if your daughter was busting, rather than burst into the bathroom, she should have yelled out at him to hurry up or she was going to come in because she was busting to pee.

Michelle - posted on 02/05/2016

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That's what will happen if someone walks in when another is in the shower. He didn't go into her room and do it in front of her, she waled into the bathroom where he was.
All your kids need to learn about privacy (and you as well) and that when someone is in the bathroom not to enter. On the other hand, if you had been asking for him to hurry up and get out then he should have done so.
Stop focusing on him masturbating and make sure your household has set boundaries. I wouldn't say you were sheltered growing up, it's not a normal upbringing to have no privacy at all. Children, especially teens need their own space when they have younger siblings around. I also agree with your friend about kids walking in on the parents, your family wasn't "normal" because I have NEVER heard of parents not being intimate just because the children are in the house. I guess there weren't any doors so that would be why as well.

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