Should I get divorced?

Camille - posted on 08/01/2011 ( 100 moms have responded )

173

30

2

Lately, I've been feeling tired of the life I lead. I stay home with my two girls. I would like to work but I have no one from the family to help me take care of them (and drive them to and from school, helping with homework) while I work. My big dilemma is that I really like being involved directly in their education at least until they are in third grade. No one will help them the way I do. Last year my oldest had to learn to read and write and I was the only one who could help her. I think another person would have lost their patience. Back to the main question. I don't want to continue married. My husband and I constantly fight. Many times over stupid things and other times because I feel trapped. I have no right to be involved in financial decisions. I don't choose when we go to the supermarket. Well, I can choose from the things he approves. I don't cook everyday because I run out of ideas with the food items he brings. I told him once that he should write down a menu for me to cook since he's the one who chooses at the supermarket. He (fighting) said no, that it is not his job. That I'm the one who stays home and has that responsibility. I answered: "then you have to let me choose what I want because I have many things to cook but what you bring is not what I want to use". Argument ensued. We are on a tight budget but he should let me be me in the cooking area. Anyway, we have to buy take out because I sometimes refuse to cook as a protest. I feel as if he wants to control everything. He has me staying home but he won't let me be creative in my role. Also, although I still love him I'm not attracted to him. I just can't stand him. He is a good person. He is honest, intelligent a responsible father, not a man who used to sleep around when he wasn't married to me, does not drink or smoke but I can't stand him. He always thinks he is right. He wants things done his way because he thinks it's the most logical way to do things. All with him is about logic and his logic is stupid when he over analyzes everything. What should I do? I would not like to break my family. My daughters are very confident, sweet, (and mostly) happy because they feel safe having their parents together. But I'm unhappy. They have to see us fighting and that stresses them but somehow they are still happy. Also, since I feel frustrated I tend to not have patience with them. I do explode over any spills, mess, toys left everywhere. Lately, I've not been fighting with him and tend to ignore what bothers me only because I see the possibility of a divorce. What should I do? Should I keep things calm while I figure how I'll survive being on my own with my girls and then tell him I want to get divorced? Do children tend to get confused with not seeing their parents fight (maybe thinking everything's fine) and , then, getting divorced?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Trish - posted on 10/10/2011

166

51

16

Oh wow I wrote before and couldn't remember. Gosh I know how you feel...It's like your in limbo...you don't know where to go and what direction to take. I'm in the same boat. I'm lost as to what to do. It's hard to stay and work things out. It's a struggle. I try real hard to make things work...and my marriage is on it's last legs.



All I can say is keep strong, as a mum myself its sad to see broken families...and in a way I don't want my family to be broken either. Pray and Heavenly Father will answer your prayers. Without a doubt he will. Take heed of the signs. I've managed to hang in there, thanks to some advice from my friends going through the same stuff and worse. I do have one other thing that keeps me going...I will keep trying at my marriage and if things are still crap after all my trying... I will be able to walk away knowing that I tried my hardest to make it work. My conscience will be clear knowing that at least I tried everything for my little family.



As mothers we are the ones that have to make the ultimate hard decisions. You have to decide what you can live with...



I know life isn't perfect...just like people. But we need to keep at it...don't give up yet...don't give up on your family. If there's a will there's a way. I'll keep you in my thoughts and please know you are definitely not alone. Know you are loved. My thoughts are with you. Keep strong for you and your girls.

Mindee - posted on 10/06/2011

86

14

1

Wow, some of you women really suck, you know that? This poor woman is here reaching out for support and love (since she gets none at home), and you're here judging here and trying to put her in her place! SHAME ON YOU!!!!
Camille, the longer you stay with him the more damaging this will be to your children. They will grow up thinking this is what a marriage should be like. Being in a difficult marriage myself, I know what it's like to want to keep the family together for the children, but once it crosses a certain point, (which it sounds like it has), the best thing you could do for you and the children is to get away from this abusive man. No woman should ever have to endure this treatment, and no child should either. I know you have a difficult choice to make, and I pray you'll be blessed and guided along this path. You aren't alone.

Margaret - posted on 08/03/2011

40

15

4

Oh Dear!! Well, it sounds like you have not one, but many issues with your husband, and they are spilling over onto the children!
You also appear to think that being a 'perfect mother',is checking homework and bieng able to read properly is important and therefore only you can do that! Your refusal to cook,and then having to buy takeout, is giving your husband the idea that you can not cook, and therefore neither can you shop, so he feels that he has to do this for you! This must have been going on for quite some time!
With all of the arguements not only are your children suffering, but so are your feelings towards one other! Who the heck would want to continue in a relationship like this?
You beleive that he is controlling, and he must think that not only is he providing for his family, but he is doing 'your job' of taking care of the home, children, providing meals, and doing school runs!
This has to stop, otherwise your children will not want to come home!
You say you want to help with their homework? Well the best thing that both of you,as parents is to sort out your differences!! Children thrive in a loving environment not as I said, a warzone! They will elect to stay at school or go round freind's houses anywhere rather than be home listening to their parents argue!
Marriage is a partnership, as is parenthood! If this was your children perpetually arguing what would you say to them? That one of them should move out??
Divorce is expensive, not just monetarily! Do you honestly believe that the arguements would cease and your life would be fine again? You started off writing that you want to go to work! However, you feel that your children would suffer! Are they not suffering now?
With just one income and the stress of managing home, children and work, the next thing that I would expect you to say is that you find the children too much! Especially as you would still need to deal with their father!
I thinkt he best thing that you should do is sit down with the children out of the house, and talk to each other, not yell bawl and scream at one another! Try to sort out your differences! to me, both of you in your own way are locked in a destructive and childish mode of behaviour! he does/says something that annoys and you retaliate! And vice cersa! Self destructive and mutually unsatisfying!
You have to go to mediation befoer you divorce that is the way that it is these days, -especially when you have children!

Svetlana - posted on 08/03/2011

21

1

0

How is the divorse going to help you? You will have less time, less money, you will have to work to provide for kids. Is that what you want? To feel attracted to your man do you even do anything anymore? Do you guys ever have a date with each other, just you two? When you ask him to let you choose the menu and food, how do you ask him? Do you go in attack mode or do you ask respectfully and with love? I hear only 1 side here, I'd love to hear his, but to me it sounds as though you do not want him anymore and is looking for an exuse to leave him, is there any other man in your life? If you're bored have you applied at any part time jobs? 16 hours a week I'm sure is doable for anyone and should helf you feel better about yourself. When have you been romantic to your husband, it sounds to me like it's been a long time, and I'd be surprised if your husband even wanted you anymore. Please think of your kids before you think of yourself and yourself only. How crushed and confused will they be? The arguments to me sound as if though you do not show him respect so he does not show you any love. Any man will be happy to give you the moon if you treat him like a man he is and not a rag to be used and abused. I sincerely hope you find it in your heart to rekindle the love you used to have for your man. You promised at one time to love him, he does not abuse you, he works so that you can stay at home. How lucky are you! God Bless and I'm sure it's hard for you now. Can you get out and have some girl time with your friends. It sounds like you're bored out of your mind and need something to do besides the household stuff. Anyways hopefully I didn't come accross as not understanding, but I've been close to where you've been and trust me I LOVE my husband so much, way more than the begining love I've had for him. If you reconnect with him again I'm sure you'll change your mind. God Bless you and your family.

Lori - posted on 08/02/2011

2

12

1

I am also a sahm but my husband does some cooking too. it works well when we go to the store together on the weekend and we both pick out things we like and can use, if we have a question or concern we say it then. or I always make a shopping list and give it to him if I know he's going, he is getting much better at picking things up now. Or I will Email his phone a small list that he can pick up on the way home from work. there needs to be communication and compromise on both sides and thats what counselling can help to lay the foundation down for. good luck You/ him should watch the movie FIREPROOF together, check it out.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

100 Comments

View replies by

Angela - posted on 01/30/2013

28

0

0

Also, look up postpartum depression symptoms.
You sound maybe like you have a little of that (feeling bored, restless, down, not enjoying things you used to).
I have felt some postpartum lately also and am considering leaving my relationship.
It is probably beneficial to address any depression before making a very very serious decision that will affect you and your children for the rest of your lives.

Divorce is not easy as 'breaking up' with someone - it will affect you and your children for the rest of your life. I could never even come close to knowing what I know now - I see my childrens' pain of living out of suitcases and sleeping in different beds everynight. My daughter used to scream and claw my arms till they bled when I tried to exchange her during custody. It cause me very severe post traumatic stress. It hurts them and me every single day - the choice I made out of 'boredom' with my husband and my life.

Being a single mom is extremely hard financially, and your children will also always feel that financial burden. It is easier having a breadwinner, even if he annoys the daylights out of you.
Most men DO NOT support a woman staying at home, so dating will be a challenge for you with children and being a stay home mom.

New men that you meet will also not necessarily treat your children very well.
They may at first, but many men and step-children get on each other's nerves at some point, it is the nature of the beast.

Angela - posted on 01/30/2013

28

0

0

One more thing...

Take a look at your zodiac signs in comparison to his (google "Libra/Virgo love compatibility" or whatever signs you are).

Check to see whether his sign is considered 'bossy'.
Anytime I have looked at zodiac compatibility, it will point out trouble spots that may occur in the relationship. Also look at how his parents are and how he relates to others. If he is bossy/assertive with others, or his parents are bossy to each other - it is either his personality trait or learned behavior. Religious upbringing also is a factor (Catholic teaches that the woman respects the man and essentially should work with him in what he wants for the family).

If it is not those things, he may be just bossy because you are a stay at home mom and he is resentful for having to carry the load of the family financially. You are probably resentful and feeling unattracted to him or 'hating' him because you are carrying the full housework and kids load. Switching things up and making things more equal ground may save your marriage and make you respect each other instead of the scales so heavily tilted to one or the other.

Angela - posted on 01/30/2013

28

0

0

I would NOT get divorced. Here is why...

I have shared custody of 3 children.
I did choose divorce.
By age 6-8 years old,
My experience is that the children that have been living at 2 houses
tend to start choosing 1 house over the other.
They start boycotting the 'non-favorite' parent.
They start playing parents against each other.

Instead of controlling just you and your cooking,
he will be controlling what your children think, feel, and do when they are at his house.
If he is controlling, he may convince them it is better at his house.
You may start having a battle with the children.

They may start wanting and whining to be with dad more.
When they get older (10-13), they may eventually boycot coming to your house altogether.
They can decide and tell a court they want to permanently live with dad.

Because you have girls, girls tend to be closer to fathers during certain phases of their lives.
This will break your heart into a million pieces.

I was unhappy and left.
I wished I had not.
I would still be able to see my children daily instead of 4 days a week.
I would still be able to do their homework with them every night (on nights they are at dad's, I never even see their homework or notes they bring from school).
I would still have control over their extracurricular activities (due to the custody schedule, I cannot schedule any weekly classes to take them to, because he has them on the days that classes are ran by YMCA, girl scouts, etc.)

If you would ever get a good job or marry up someone with money, he could get the girls to live primarily with him eventually and make you pay child support. He could file for full custody if he wanted. If he did that, maybe you wouldn't see them hardly at all or be able to maintain a relationship with them.

Additionally, marriage and relationships ARE hard, ARE annoying, you do get bored and on each other's nerves, especially when you have children. I don't think the grass is greener.
I thought it was greener on the other side, but I have not met anyone any better than what my ex-husband was (I think all men are a pain in the rear in some form).

Find friends and a social life and fill your happiness in some other fashion than in a man.
Find a job and something you can do to buy yourself groceries and things that make you happy.
Busy yourself with other things, take care of your girls. Do fun things for yourself.
Because you are a stay at home mom and he knows you don't have anything but him, that may be why he is pushing around his weight.
If you show him you are strong, can support yourself and the girls, have a choice to be with him (are not stuck with him), he may start treating you with more respect and letting you make more choices.

Tanya - posted on 01/28/2013

6

0

0

totally get you . i am, going through pretty much the same and not sure which is going to better divorce or seperation, tried making it work for 2 years and nothing has changed.

Heather - posted on 10/12/2011

36

20

6

I know exactly how you are feeling. I split with my boyfriend of 7 years and the father of my 2 daughters a year ago. The same situation. I never did anything right for him. Everything always had to be his way or we would fight. He was very emotionally abusive and I was misrible. I know there are a lot of peole that will say that it is better to stay together when there are kids but the children know that you're not happy. I'm not saying it was an easy decision to make but it was defiantly the right one. I hope this helps and if you need to talk or ask any questions feel free.

Trish - posted on 10/12/2011

166

51

16

Have strength Camille if there's a will there's a way. I don't know why men act like this. Why couldn't we marry men that love and appreciate us unconditionally. We spoil our husbands and are good wives yet they don't see it...They only see and keep track of the good they done.Your husband doesn't know what he has until you and the kids are gone and that's the truth.

And Michelle gave you some awesome advice below. If your hubby wants it...give it. Keep strong for you and your kids. Better to be penniless and in a hostel and happy then in a decked out home and be miserable. You'll find your way doll. As women we always do.

Michelle - posted on 10/11/2011

305

21

19

Lisa, why are you with your husband? No, seriously why are you? Do you think that's how a healthy relationship works or any relationship works? Divorce him. Since you are home make copies of your guy's finances, and anything else you think might be important, depending on your money situation go to a lawyer or contact a women's shelter to see if they can refer the appropriate information to you. Start documenting everything in a journal on how he treats you. Be specific.

What he said about divorcing you is a threat and has no basis in reality. You can also go online and research the legalities of separation and/or divorce for your state.

No one deserves to be treated like that. Stand up for yourself. There is a better life for you if you want it. I know many people who have divorced for various reasons. And guess what they are in healthier and happier relationships now. Their kids are happier and see what a healthy relationship is like. They feel more secure.

Good luck.

Lisa - posted on 10/10/2011

25

3

1

Camille I have to seek permission for every move I take from my husband to keep the peace.
He is a control freak with me yet wears a Halo aroud others to give the the impression he is good.

Lisa - posted on 10/10/2011

25

3

1

Camille Now I now it is possible to have a twin! Our husbands seem to be identical in what they say and how they regard us.
I went back to work after the birth of my 13 yr old son and continued until 3 days before the birth of my other son who is now 2 years old. Hubby was always against me working as he saw my place in te family home. Still, I have ALWAYS done everything for the children and in the home as he won't. He works locally for 39 hours a week, comes home to relax or goes out. And he still complains if he see's a speck of dust! He picks many arguements with me so my 13 year old has started to back me up.
I have asked him if he will come along to counsellling, he replied no as I am the only one who needs counselling!
His attitude towards me is terrrible, eg. yesterday my little one was sick which I told him about, his reply was so you are using that as an excuse to not having gone out to buy new soft furnishings?
I am worn down and taken for granted.
When I suggest divorce he says yes on the provision he gets everything leaving me and the children to live in a hostel for single mothers.
I cry over the situation constantly. Any advice?

Tabitha - posted on 09/29/2011

17

5

1

Well first and foremost you need to think about what you want for your girls. If you continue to let him treat you like a second class citizen in your own home, then they are going to continue to see this and think that it's normal for women and mother's to be treated this way. This will effect how they view men and their own relationships in the future. So in the long run - don't let them think that this is normal nor how it is supposed to be in relationships.

As far as your feeling of worth and even the thoughts of wanting to get out - you need to do something for you. You're a stay at home mom. There's plenty of places you can work and work from home. However, there are scams out there so I suggest you stick to places like oDesk and Guru (just google it). You can earn your own money and that in itself will help boost your self-esteem and self-worth. Also, it'll give you some spending money to buy the groceries you want to buy. If he doesn't like what you buy or what you've cooked, then he doesn't have to eat it.

If he gives you any crap about working from home and earning your own money, you should point out that you have zero say-so when it comes to his paycheck, therefore he does not have any say-so in where your money goes. Also, if you really want out you can stick some money back to get you and your girls set up if you decide to go through with the divorce.

All in all, stop letting him push you around and treating you like crap. I'm married to a bit of a control freak myself. However, in the last three and a half years I've learned to put my foot down and not let him walk all over me. Sure, we fuss and fight, all couples do. It's just part of being married. You're not going to get along all of the time and there are going to be bumps in the road. You just have to figure out if you really want to continue down this road and try to make changes that improve the lives of everyone involved. I also know what it's like to be with some one that you love very much but generally just can't stand. Usually, when it hits that point it's just a lost cause. However I think you should still work on trying to get some cash flow coming into your pocket so that you have a cushion for whatever comes next.

Best of luck, dearie, in what ever you decide to do.

Christine - posted on 09/27/2011

6

24

0

i totally understand u i want a divorce too my husbands an a hole hes mean to to my kids and i hate it .i cant stand his touch etc.never want too sleep with him again and havent for a long time .i am disabled from a fall at work 9 years ago cant work cause i have a spinal injury and every waking day he screams because he pays for everything he does have a job but hes a security guard and just watches a camera all day .hes at work 24/7 365 i call him gene simmons cause his job means ore to him then us 3 and every day i hate him more and more he will drop everything for his job and im done so i totally understand what u r saying but he dont have a single good quality about him

Trish - posted on 09/27/2011

166

51

16

Wow that's a biggie. Divorce is SERIOUS. You need to sit down properly and look at the BIG picture. I'm in the same boat as you but your husband is a bit better because he doesn't smoke and all that jazz. I'm also unhappy in my marriage but am trying to weather it out. When we get married we take that vow "for better or worse"...I take that seriously. Even though I am majorly unhappy I put my child's happiness before my own. I want my baby to have his dad around. Even though at times I hate his dad...I still love him cos if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have my beautiful baby.
Even though your husband is a control freak with his logic you need to figure out a way to find yourself. Are you able to work at home online? Find something to distract you instead of focusing on the negative aspects of your marriage. And for the sake of your girls...they come first and you guys need to stop fighting in front of them. Just in case your marriage does fall apart you don't want your girls to feel like it's their fault mommy and daddy broke up. My thoughts are with you but keep strong and if you still feel like you want a divorce...write a list of the pro's and cons of getting a divorce. Good luck.

Khara - posted on 09/23/2011

94

60

6

First of all you are your own person & you can't let someone disrespect you like that. I can't imagine living your entire life miserable! It's too short! You only live once... & I'm sure as you said the fighting effects your children as well. There is no way that I could sit back & let someone else run my life for me.. You are worth more than that... & you might still be attracted to your husband if he didn't treat you like a hermit... Put your foot down girl! Let him know that things are going to have to change because you are not happy... & If they don't change do what you need to do to make yourself happy.. When you are happy your kids will be happier.. :) Good luck with everything! I will keep you in my prayers! :)

Samantha - posted on 09/21/2011

26

8

2

Someone here said that it could affect your kids. I agree. If they see their Dad controlling Mom, then it could hurt their self-esteem. God forbid he start controlling the kids like that. I would be pissed off if I was in your place.

Aurora - posted on 09/20/2011

11

2

0

I would get help for myself through a counselor. Personally, spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically. More than one counselor is needed. Physical fitness, a relationship with Jesus Christ, a good support system of friends, neighbors, and people in general who you trust is important. When you start exchanging ideas with one or two people, things start to happen positively. Check for a Divorce Anonymous group in your area. It does not mean you are going through with the divorce, but it will give you knowledge of what to expect if you choose this route. It will also give you an outside look into your marriage to see if you can make any changes yourself that will bring about a change in him. I mentioned a relationship with Jesus Christ not to convert you, but when you pray, there is work done in heaven that brings about a change on your behalf here on earth that you cannot do yourself. No one knows your heart and your husband's heart better than God. He is the Life Giver and Creator of the Universe. Have you seen how big it really is? Know that there is nothing too hard for God. He created marriage and put you two together. Don't leave Him out of helping you fix it. If there is a pastor in the community you trust, or who someone can recommend, seek him or her out. Sometimes taking a step back from the issue that is troubling you gives you an added benefit: allowing time itself to fix things. It takes time and trust to build this support system, but it will be important whether you choose to stay and work on your marriage, or leave the marriage. Call 211 in your area to find a list of free resources regarding financial, career, personal, emotional, family, even some resources for getting help with food. You do not necessarily have to mention that you are married in some cases. Take care of you first and foremost. Your children will need you strong no matter what.

Camille - posted on 09/19/2011

173

30

2

Thanks to all of you taking your time advise me. Things are not so food but not so bad either. There are days I think I have to work for everything because I should give my daughters the happiness to live with both of us. But there are days I hate him and want to be happy on my own. I feel like I have to ask permission for every decision I want to make :-(

Hayley - posted on 09/19/2011

69

21

19

you sound like your married to my hubby lol!! but over time i have learned to be bossy and stand my f=ground, and yes we argue over stupid things and have finacial issues due to having 4 kids and other stuff, i also feel trapped due to having noone to watch kids/no money only 1 car..but we get through it knowing when all the kids are at school and i get a job it will improve, but from what your saying about how your not attracted to him etc, you need to ask yourself, do you feel you csan live with him forever feeling that way, if no, like it sounds, it doesnt sound hopeful and you should never stay in a realationship for the kids, kids will ajust to divorce if you go about it in a mature and calm fashion.you just explain that mummy and daddy will live apart and you will still see daddy it will just be abit differnet etc xx

Tammy - posted on 09/18/2011

3

1

0

KATY........ Yes I totally agree with you, it's not 1911 anymore! But if you read the BIBLE it states that GOD's word is the same yesterday, today and tommorrow!!! I have been there and know exactly what camille is going through. I understand that everyone deals with situations differently and i respect that did not work for you... But putting god first in our marriage worked for me and my husband. My husband was an alcoholic to the extent to where I wanted a divorce and i prayed and prayed every night. We tried rehab, counseling you name we did it!!! I was to the point to where i hated to come home, I resented everything about him-didnt even want him to touch me. That was 13 years ago and he is a wonderful pastor now he is a totally different person, no our life is not perfect (not suppose to be) but i thank my heavenly father above that i did not sign those divorce papers, because GOD had plans that we knew nothing about!! Through all the trials and troubles we went through we always make a point to do everything we possibly can to make it through them, cause we have no idea what GOD has in store!!!!!!!!!!!!! romans 12:2

[deleted account]

Id say yes. My ex husband all we did was fight, I couldnt stand him when I left I hated him so much. leaving was the best decision I could have made

Heather - posted on 09/14/2011

70

21

3

Lay down the law and if he continues to give you crap, tell him to get out until he can get over himself. This isn't the 1920's, you have a right to voice your opinion and you also have the right to choose how to run your life. Marriage is about respect, if he can't pull it out of the dark place where the sun don't shine, it's better for both you and your kids to not be in that situation. Unless you want your children to think that's how a marriage looks like. Respect yourself enough to stand up for what you want. If not for yourself, do it for the dozens of generations of women before you to make it possible for us women to have a voice!

Dana - posted on 09/14/2011

12

21

0

First things first, you are working. Caring for a child is a full time responsibility, and it is mentally and physically exhausting at times. Exhaustion brings tension and unhappiness. You and your husband are not communicating, and you are not fooling your children. They know when things are not good between you. They know when you are not happy..when you explode over minor things, they know. You need a supportive, non judgemental adult to talk to. Look for support groups in your area, or start a coffee talk group with other moms in the neighborhood. Put up a sign on a bulletin board at the grocery store and connect with other moms. I also suggest a life coach. You have to take care of yourself and find your happiness, in order to be the mom you want to be. sometimes our path with our partner comes to an end because we no longer agree on the path to take. Get some rest and open up your heart and mind and believe there is another way..then it will show up. We bring about what we think about, so it is important to keep positive thoughts and hbelieve you will find workable solutions. I actually found it easier to raise my daughter on my own after the divorce. I think more women need to consider that being married does not always make raising a child easier. Also, some people are just not naturally good at parenting and nurturing others. My husband was not good at it..then looking at his childhood, he did not have any good reference on how. I forgave him for not knowing how, and moved on. My seventeen year old and I have been just fine on our own this past ten years, friends being the family that showed up more often than relatives, to give the moral support we needed. Extend your family of friends and you will find the strength you need to do whats best for you and your children. Your intuition is right, so be still, be quiet, and listen to your inner voice. There will be a way, once you make a choice..the way shows up..

Camille - posted on 09/13/2011

173

30

2

His family would pretty much think the same way he does :-( Things have been better these days but, still, I'm unhappy. We're not fighting as much but it's because I really think I'll be out of this eventually. I want to try working or apply to begin my master's degree to see if doing something on my own, being more independent takes away some of the resentment I feel towards him. When I brought up the going to college again thing he kind of opposed mentioning the disadvantages of that. But neither he mentions I should begin to work. It seems he want me doing nothing on my own.

Barbara - posted on 09/13/2011

22

25

0

I posted earlier but just wanted to add one important thing: Be careful who's advice you take!

Barbara - posted on 09/13/2011

22

25

0

I agree with Michelle. Maybe you could even ask one of his family members to talk to him. Someone you both trust and respect, of course. You could go to couseling on your own. Maybe it will help but it takes two for a marriage to work, but it's worth the shot.

Stephanie - posted on 09/11/2011

25

35

1

TBH it sounds like your husband is treating you like hired help rather than an equal in a relationship. You aren't even allowed to decide what you buy to cook? REALLY? Seek counseling ASAP.

Christe - posted on 09/10/2011

15

4

1

If you are unhappy, find the root of your unhappiness. It may not be the marriage but something else. Maybe try getting away by yourself for a day or two will shed light on your problems and then you can deal with it further. If you are really contemplating divorce, try a seperation first. Maybe then he will realize what he's got to loose.

Courteney - posted on 09/10/2011

4

37

0

I have learned I just have to be honest with my son he's 8 and it makes it easier. He has seen me go through the fights, and arguments, and kicking him out and not going back and forth. it's not healthy but if you really want to make it work then try and suggest everything that you would think will help. If he doesn't agree then I say prepare for you and your girls to be on your own we all have breaking points and it sounds like you are almost at yours.

Davaline - posted on 09/07/2011

43

18

4

816
4
Michelle Waldbillig
has the best answer. if he wont go to couples councelling. then you should go at least.

Rebecca - posted on 09/04/2011

13

7

1

I did not read all the posts on here but I am going through a similar situation. My husband is a controlling person and he has been verbally and emotionally abusive. So many people told me ( after going to womens groups) that it WILL get worse. Sooo we went to marriage counseling and we both have learned a lot. Most of the problems that we have in our relationship is from our childhood. Sometimes knowing why you are the way you are gives you insight and a bell goes off in your head. It can for some people help them change. We are working on our issues and is not calling me names anymore. Also reading up on codependancy might help. Controlling people tend to get you out of the blue and without knowing how to react you end up feeling out of control. At least that's my experience. It's ok to say no. Counseling can help and people can change. I hope I was helpful. Good luck!

Staci - posted on 09/04/2011

29

21

1

There's something deeper here with him some kind of insecurity maybe that's keeping him from relinquishing some power to his wife/partner in life. It would obviously make you happier if the relationship was more balanced rather then him being 100% control-that's not how a marriage should work! I hope things work out for you, and if you feel comfortable maybe try sitting down with him and expressing what you want your role to be in the relationship. Let him know that you are not happy, but also tell him things that would make you happy. It doesnt have to be one sided, encourage him to open as well and tell you what he needs to make him happier too. It sounds like your relationship is worth fighting for and you only live once, I tell my husband that my job is to make his life easier and fun, and he does the same in return. You are in this together and each others biggest fans so might as well make the most of it! :) good luck to you! Oh and BTW I think once you are both at a happy place again I think the attractiveness comes back, date nights, spicing things up in the bedroom!

Holly - posted on 09/04/2011

50

5

2

I hear ya !!!!!!!! I am going to start councelling myself. that is what i suggeest to you because it will either help you leave or help you deal with him. He sounds very controlling! You need to be the one that gets the groceries. If He knows how serious it is by you going to councelling maybe he will go. Men!!!!!!!:( Sometimes they just think you are threatening them and dont take you seriously. Good Luck. It is not an easy thing. I always tell myself that time will tell!

Emily - posted on 09/02/2011

6

18

0

Schmoopy, I like what you said. The kids would suffer in a divorce situation. Also, parents who argue and are trying to work things out are a good example to their kids (in a way). If they just give up and don't try, their kids will do the same!

[deleted account]

Marriage is hard! I think almost everyone feels the way you do at some point in their marriage. I know I have. But what keeps me in it is the thought of what a divorce would do to my children. I know I would never be able to mother them the way I want to. And being shuffled from one house to another constantly would damage them irreparably. When I think of those things, my heart breaks, and my mind resets. I know I make it sound overly simple. But I just can't bring myself to leave knowing what it would do to my children, especially because my husband is essentially a decent man.

If your husband isn't doing anything abusive (and he may - emotional abuse is certainly legitimate - the controlling behavior you describe sounds at least borderline to me), then stay. If he's hurting you or your children, go.

Wendy - posted on 09/01/2011

3

4

0

We all go threw things I work only weekends maybe you should find a part time job around the babies schedual I also dont have nobody to watch my baby so I work only weekends.It gets tough being at home all the time but you have to focus on yor children a divorce is not worth the pain for them we all go threw things in life and if you are going to go the easy way out than why get married. we all go threw challenges and you have to find a solution not an easy ay out

Toni - posted on 09/01/2011

241

73

5

@ Alissa-- Amen!! You certainly encouraged me too!! I think that you probably will encourage a lot of people with those two posts! :)

Emily - posted on 09/01/2011

6

18

0

p.s.s. DATE NIGHT is another idea that I am reminded of. Even if you do not want to go and think it sounds terrible, try it. Go for just an hour or two if you can't afford a babysitter for a longer time. Go on a picnic--that is free. There are free concerts at colleges. You can rekindle your romance if you do this. It worked for me! Start with once a month--even if your spouse thinks you can't afford it. Set up the babysitter and tell him it is date night. He will probably go. Who doesn't want a night off?

p.s.s.s I tell you these ideas in order to help me deal with my depression--seeing others in their distress and helping them helps me feel good about myself and I try to tell myself positive things all the time, too!

Emily - posted on 09/01/2011

6

18

0

p.s. I have heard that being divorced is really not worth it no matter how bad being married can be (accepting abusive situations). I applaud you for standing up to him, though! This is a sign of a healthy marriage--if you stayed quiet, you would really go crazy. It also sounds like you are depressed. I have suffered with this myself. If you can find time for yourself to do your own hobbies, this could help--if he will let you! Would he allow you to take a night off once a week, while he watches the kids? It sounds like a long shot with him, but he might enjoy some one-on-one time with them. Also, I would keep at the grocery shopping business. Ask him to have confidence in your ability to save money at the store--keep at it in as peaceful a way as you can and maybe, just maybe, he will reconsider his position sooner than you think. (Maybe as a last straw you could tell him how unhappy you are and that he will be saving his marriage if he lets you do the shopping!) These are all just suggestions from my experience. Again, I encourage you to PRAY about what you do and what advice you follow--even pray about mine to see if it is best for your situation! You will be blessed in your life for praying!

Emily - posted on 09/01/2011

6

18

0

I would suggest that you pray about it. Heavenly Father is aware of you and your situation and is ready to help if you just ask. He isn't going to force himself into your life. If you accept Him in, pray for help, and tell Him what you want to do, He will answer you.

Camille - posted on 08/30/2011

173

30

2

Alissia: WOW!!!!! I don't have enough time now to answer you but you gave me a positive outlook of this. Maybe if I worked and have things of my own and not be financially dependent on him I would stop feeling almost hate towards him. I take zumba classes but it's 1 hour a day 4 times a week and most of the time I have to take my girls. Ticia: very similar to me. I just logged in while my girls finished their night snacks and now I have to take them to sleep. I'll update more later. Thanks to everyone of you who took the time to help me and share your wisdom.

Katherine - posted on 08/30/2011

65,420

232

5195

Fireproof is a great book and it MIGHT help your marriage, who knows? There is also a book that goes with it that tells you what to do everyday.
If you're into that kind of stuff....

Alissia - posted on 08/29/2011

13

5

0

Uhhhhh....i just keep reading these posts and it grieves me. If your husband loves you, then it does not have to be so cut and dry as LEAVE or DON'T LEAVE....sometimes with men, if you can't come in through the front door, then go around the back....Create for him the kind of woman that he could never dream of losing and the kind of woman you always wanted to be. Get a side hussle where you can make a little money. Just enough so you can get your hair or nails done. Join a womens' group in your area so you can talk to other women in person. Maybe join a gym. Start researching ways to be creative in the bedroom and make him your guinea pig....Do some research, girl....Who knows, he still might not know what's good for him...but I tell you this, there is more that one way to skin a cat....Me and my hubby have had our share of hard times and we have both wanted to leave at one point or another. But I vowed that this was for LIFE and if he hasn't walked out yet then there is still hope...Period. If after you take back control of your life, he decided to go, then at least you can say that you gave it your best. And Camille, if you do all THAT and he STILL is an idiot, then I guarantee you he will look back and regret the day he ever walked out on you.

Alissia - posted on 08/29/2011

13

5

0

Camille, do you think you might be a little passive aggressive? Because I know I used to do the same thing: bring an issue up but shrinking back if he comes back to strong just so that there can be peace. In the end, I would always end up holding all these feelings in so that there wouldn't be a blow up. It would leak out somethings in little things I would say or do (like a cooking strike for example)...all little things that I thought would get the point across. Sound familiar? Well none of that worked. My husband genuinely loves me and I love him too but I think when I would do that, as a man, he began to have a lower esteem for me because let's face it, I had a lower esteem within myself. There were many things that contributed to that like being a SAHM, giving my life up for my family while getting nothing in return, depression, weight gain, the list goes on. But when I realized that I was worthy of having my own space, my own life, a body that I felt good in, etc. I stopped asking for what I needed and started DEMANDING IT!!! When he came home, I would leave and do something for me (take a walk, go to the mall, go to the gym, visit a friend, take myself to the movies). I started to take care of ME. And you know what happened? I started to see myself differently, I started to carry myself differently, and it gave me the confidence to tell him all that I was feeling and what I needed from him. It really does start with you. Does he need to changes? Absolutely. But I encourage you to try some of those things I mentioned FOR YOU. It will give you the kind of boost that lets him know you could have someone else if you wanted to and if he wants to keep such a vivacious, killer, sexy, confident woman who knows who she is around, then he better start listening. Can I get a AMEN?!!!!.....Well if I didn't encourage anyone else, I certainly just encouraged myself. Let me go find my red pumps!

Katherine - posted on 08/29/2011

65,420

232

5195

I got divorced for the same reasons. I never had any financial control, we fought, he made me feel worthless, and a myriad of other things.
If you feel there is nothing left and he is not willing to go to counseling then I would cut it off now.

Cecilia - posted on 08/28/2011

297

20

20

From my experience men that are controlling will never change I just left my husband of 3 years I couldn't do anything and he kept me away from my family and many other things lay down an ultimatum for him he needs to treat you better but also it is sometimes the woman that needs to be showing love and respect and maybe that is the reason we are not getting treat people the way you would want to be treated and see how he reacts to that also theres a book called the love dare check it out.

Katie - posted on 08/28/2011

71

10

1

Reading some of this crap is so offensive. Tammy--I am sure we all took our "oath's in front of God" seriously. There are still times where you SHOULD leave, despite that idealistic bible approach to marriage. If you aren't happy IT IS NOT WORTH IT. Marriage Counseling can be a big joke. It was for me, and I was smart enough to get out of my marriage. Any person with a cent of moral, and respectable knowledge knows that God is not going to condemn you for doing what is best for you, and your kids. Whatever it may be. Its is 2011, Not 1919 we have choices as women now!!

Ticia - posted on 08/28/2011

32

40

1

i swear that this is the details of my life an we just had an argument because my cell broke an has been for months now an he would not let me get another phone ..but now that his cell is not working he wants to go an get one for himself wright away..an still will not even talk about replacing mine..which is nice huh since we have a 5 yr old daughter who is in school now an if i leave my house they will have no way to get ahold of me but he does not care about those things..it is all his way or no way an i do not know how it got this way cause in the begining it was not like that !!1 im so sad frustrated an upset because he has to control all an he is always wright about everyhting..i wish i knew the best thing to do also cause i do not want to hurt m daughter by taking her away from her father but i do not know how to stay in this situation anymore with out it totally wearing me down an emotionally draining me...i wish i could tell you the magic answer but im in the same boat an do not know what to do myself..i tried to ask him about counseling an he laughs an says well maybe there is something wrong with you but not me...im so stressed an feel so alone its not funny !!

Lareashia - posted on 08/26/2011

48

24

4

I know exactly how you feel but honestly divorce will not cure the situation. You are just under tremendous stress. Counseling would be a great start but at times husbands are reluctant to go at first. Remember you can not change him but you can change how you deal with situations. If you must argue ask him can you guys go in another room away from children. Children pick up angry and violent behavior if their around constant arguing. You can also go through counselling on your own to just help let out some frustration. Prayer really works for everything! Be blessed

Alissia - posted on 08/25/2011

13

5

0

PLEASE find some women that you trust to encourage you to fight for your family and your marriage. The fact that you posted this question means that part of you really wants it to work. So if after you sit down and both determine that you want to make it work, then FIGHT FOR IT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT!

Alissia - posted on 08/25/2011

13

5

0

Marriage is not easy....and yes it would be easy to walk out but it's not your only option. First of all, he needs to know that you are at the end of your rope. Sit down and talk to him. Don't wait until there is a confrontation. You may even want to write down your thoughts beforehand. and when you talk to him, don't give him a laundry list of all the things he does wrong. When I have these talks with my husband, I try to speak in terms of..."when you.., it makes me feel like..." But aside from that, you both have lost your way. It is so easy in marriage to lose sight of why we got married in the first place. What made you fall in love with him? What things did you used to do together because having a consistent date night may be in order as well. Once me and my husband started doing this, our relationship recovered a lot from the wear and tear of having kids and me drowning in the stress of being home all day. In addition to you having a consistent date night, you have to have time for you. take a whole day for you every week or every other week. Leaving him ho me with the kids may also make him respect your role a bit more. And find an outlet for yourself as well. take a class, find a hobby, learn something new about a topic you like....DO FOR YOU! if you don't take care of you, how can you take care of anyone else? You matter. Once you realize that and live life accordingly, your husband will notice.

Sheleen - posted on 08/25/2011

25

69

2

The best way to change something in someone else is to change things in yourself. I know this may sound stupid but it's just the reality and truth of life. No one is goign to change anything about them until you make the effort as well. I went thru this was separated from my husband with 2 children for almost 6 months. I worked on me. I realized that either way the situatiin turned out I would have to be rpepared and strong enough to deal with the downsides and upside of the circumstances of each scenario. I'm sure he's feeling the same way you are if not worse. But it does seems that he has issues with controlling and not compromising which is one of the biggest things in marriage. I also don't understand ppl that are married and have sepearate accounts or bill type of things. It should be a marriage, a joint relationship, and all things should be that way in my opinion, However, that is just my opinion. The issues of being unhappy are real. You need to stop and try to figure out the real points and reason behind these feelings and if they stem from something more. It's hard to be attracted to someone mentally, physically, or sexually when all you feel like you do is fight and not get along, and al that. A therapist is a great way to go as well as a marriage counselor. We went to one that was able to help us realize a big part of the reason we had gotten to where we were was because of past issues that had escalated. I wish you the best of luck. Either way you need to make sure you look at yourself in the picture, because unfortunately in almost every case, you play a part somewhere....You are in the relationship. Whether it's been that you let it go on, didn't step up sooner, was doing something that may have triggered his issues that he obviously had before if it's a matter of control, or somethign that you flat out just never noticed. We all do things like that and not being able to discuss it withouth wanting to strangle the other one makes it all that much harder.

My hubby and I have been back together and making life happy and incredible now for about 8 months. We have never been better off and even though the actions that were taking place were and are solely his problems/issues, we were able to step back with help and figure what i did, which I hadn't noticed were issues fr him, and fix them as well as fix him. It's a two way street and I don't mean to make this seem as it's yoru fault cause there are obvious signs of controlling maybe abusive behaviors but until we make ourselves happy and love ourselves, there is no point in trying to do it for someone else. I think it's just personally almost impossible.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms