Should I let my daughter go back to her Grandmother's house?

Danielle - posted on 03/24/2011 ( 17 moms have responded )




My daughter is four and if you have a four yr old or you've had one you know how they can be. She loves to go to my MIL's..or she did. Weekend before last she went and when they came to drop her off my MIL was like ya'll are gonna have to do something with her! She had acted up in a restaraunt and started crying for me when she got in trouble and made a scene. She told us that she cried for me the entire time. Especially when she got tired. I asked my daughter why she was crying for me and she said because she missed me and when she started crying they were "mean" to her. I overlooked it b/c I'm mean to her if I make her pick up toys lol. Well yesterday we had to go to a funeral and both kids were going to stay with her for a few hours. My daughter cried from the moment she found out to the moment I was getting her out of the truck. She even hung on to the seat..I had to pry her off. I was gonna make her stay until I heard "Don't worry Paris, you're not spending the night..I'm not going to LET you" in a very ugly voice which made my daughter cry even louder.Luckily I was facing the truck when I heard this and my husband said something before I could turn around. So I just told him no we'll take her with us. She then got mad at us and looked at me and said "You're letting her have her way! That's what she wants!" Fact is I don't let my kids have their way. I would have left her there crying if I had not heard that. Now I'm starting to believe that they get aggravated with her and become ugly about it. My MIL wants me to keep sending her even though she doesn't want to go. I'm not going to make her go if she doesn't want to. It should be a good experience. But when the time comes that she does want to go back I'm not sure that I want her to. It hurts my MIL's feelings when she doesn't want to stay b/c she's always loved going over there. That I understand but what I don't understand is how you get angry at a 4 yr old b/c she wants her mom? SHE'S 4!


Katherine - posted on 03/24/2011




That does seem pretty harsh. I would give it a "break" for a while.
Obviously it has traumatized your daughter a lot. If she is holding onto the seat for dear life, I would not make her go back and I would definitely have a looong conversation with my MIL.
That's really not fair to your daughter, especially since she was tired. They need to be more tolerant.

Jaime - posted on 03/25/2011




I think its not about letting her have her way. This is YOUR child and ultimately if she doesnt feel comfortable going then you shouldnt make her. You want her to be able to come to you about anything and you want her to be able to trust you. making her go to a place she doesnt want to can cause a problem with you and your child. I have this problem with mine, shes very mean to my daughter and ive seen it first hand how she talks to her and well i dont approve. Its your job as a mom to make your kids comfortable and i think you handled it perfectly by taking her with you guys.

Promise - posted on 03/24/2011




I think that a mom knows too. If you have a feeling things aren't quite right...they probably aren't. My kids beg to go to their Grammy's house to play...and most of the time tell me I need to find something else to do! lol......Grandparent visits are supposed to be fun..something out of the ordinary and special time! Not scary, mean time because they are fussy!

Samantha - posted on 03/24/2011




i have a 4 yr old who goes to my ex MIL's house every weekend, because her father is across seas and not around to take her to visit them. But anyway she has gone over there everyweekend since she was 1. There did come a time where she cried when i would say time to go. So i stopped making her go. Sometimes they just want their mommy! It only took a couple weeks then she started asking to go back over there. As for the mil she might just be getting aggravate with the crying so it might be good for her to have a break from it too!

Bonnie - posted on 03/24/2011




To me it sounds like it could be something more then your daughter just being upset because your MIL got mad at her for wanting you. Maybe try talking with your daughter and see if there is more to it than that.

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Danielle - posted on 03/26/2011




I would give her a break.

Just referring to the comment she made about her not wanting her to stay the night was very mean.

Like others have said, it doesn't seem like they are very tolerant and it could escalate to verbal abuse.

It reminds me of something my mothers would say.

My cousin and her three children live at her house and I have stopped visiting because of the way they talk down to her children. It doesn't happen all the time, but whenever they do anything 'out of line' it is constant nagging. They never let issues go, so the littlest incidents get dragged through for days at a time. Even after they have been "forgiven".

It seems like it would remind me of something similar.

They need to understand that they need to be more sensitive to your daughter, and her fragile feelings.

Hell, if my husbands mother said that to me, or my child, I would NEVER go back; or I would at least give us a long enough break where I could sit in the same room without glaring at her the entire time we visited.

Let her eat her words.

Lisa - posted on 03/25/2011




I would give her a break. Talk to her about what's going on and have your husband talk to MIL about her behavior before going back.

Tamara - posted on 03/25/2011




I agree with giving her a break for a week or 2. Would your MIL be willing to come to your house to watch the kids. Maybe a couple good experiences in their own house with grandma might do the trick. My older son who's 4 doesn't like to go to my mom's as much as my MIL's house and I know thats because there's disipline at my mom's vs practically nothing at my MIL's. I think you did the right thing. I would have taken my child too if I thought he'd behave himself. You are the parent and you know your child best. Could just be one of those dreaded phases!

Danielle - posted on 03/25/2011




My oldest is 7 and he loves to go. He actually stayed the other night when we took her with us. I asked her how they were mean to her and she said she was crying for me and they told her well if you're gonna cry you can just go in the other room. My MIL said they were looking at photo albums and everytime she saw a picture of me she would burst into tears and ask for me =(. Telling her to go into another room until she calms down isn't a big deal. I say that sometimes when she's showing her butt. That's why I overlooked it. But now I wonder HOW they are saying it. The other night was out of necessity but normally she goes b/c my MIL came to us a few weeks ago saying that she wanted to start keeping her on the wkends, that she thought we needed a break and she wanted to spend more time with her. (Both kids are here 24/7) Something changed with Paris in these past few mnths about going. I think she got use to being home all the time. Since I'm a SAHM she and I are together ALL the time. I'm not going to make her go back. If she asks then my husband and I will talk about it and he can talk to his Mom and we'll take it from there.

Sarah - posted on 03/24/2011




I would talk to her and see what else is going on. A cruel grandmother can scar you for life. I would not force her to go over there, and probably would stay with her when she does visit. A moms instinct knows whats best.

Brandis - posted on 03/24/2011




yes i think she needs a break from grandma...maybe after a break she'll enjoy going back over there and maybe it would help if she wasnt mean to her, the parents are the mean ones not the grandparents ya know

User - posted on 03/24/2011




How old is your other kid? Do they have an issue with going to your MIL? Maybe ask your daughter HOW grandma is "mean" to her. Are your kids going to your MIL so you can have a weekend without kids or out of necessity? Honestly if she is that against going to grandma's I wouldn't FORCE the issue on her. Kind of makes me wonder if your MIL was willing to let you see that "ugly" comment what is she saying while your daughter is there without you to hear.

Medic - posted on 03/24/2011




My kids have NEVER cried when we have left them with any of the grandparents or family members. If they ever did I would not be taking them back. But then again neither of my kids are criers and they are 4.5 and 14 months.

Christy - posted on 03/24/2011




Since she's your MIL, can your husband find out what's going on in the house when she stays there? Since she's 4 now, her verbal skills are a lot better than they used to be. She probably understands harsh words" and gets hurt feelings now. Personally, I would not give either one (MIL and daughter) a break from each other. Maybe you can all go visit on a weekend day when it's convenient for you and your MIL.

My son cries as does my daughter (3 1/2 and 2 1/2) when we drop them off at my MIL's house. They say they don't want to go. But we take them anyway. I think it's because they get a little bored there, though. They are older and don't get around too well.

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