Should I pick my childrens happiness over my own?

Sarah - posted on 09/10/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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After being a single mom, beside dating, for years I finally found what I though was perfect and am staying home. I took a pay cut by giving up a great career and life and moved half way across the US to be with my boyfriend/best friend of two years. The kids are thriving and never been better but our relationship is emotionally and physically done(I have slept on the couch for a few weeks now). He battles depression and I have no good memories since I've been here so I have nothing to remember or fall back on in these rough times. Every time we go out and do something he finds something wrong and causes fights becasue of his past and insercurities. I don't want to give up but with nothing to hold onto besides the kids I don't know if I can stay. I am also scarred to have to start over back home.

14 Comments

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Dorene - posted on 09/12/2009

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I tell you what. The lady of the house is the one who keeps the family strong, together, and happy. I was told a few months ago, if we are not well taking care of mentally, emotionally and beyond how do you think we can take care of a family that is broken or on the edge to be...I know some people might not agree but if you as a parent is not happy in a marriage or relationship something always happen "BAD" to the children. Just think and look back on those women who murder their spouses, children or family altogether. They were not "HAPPY"!! So stop playing yourself and look at what you have and make a finale before something happens that you didnt expect.

Shannon - posted on 09/11/2009

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If your not happy you can't be a good mom. Having said that I will agree with what other people who have posted have said - don't give up until you are sure you've tried every other option. For your selve you to know you've done all you could so you won't spend the rest of your life feeling guilty. For your kids so that you can set a good example about relationships and not giving up when the going get tough and all that. As for the depression, I have suffered with depression all of my life and I know it makes a person difficult to live with.You have to fight it every day. Taking medication can help but if it doesn't you need to try different meds and seek counseling. I'm blessed by the fact that my husband doen't let my depression get him down. If his depression is effecting you, you might consider getting cousiling for yourself or join a support group for people who have to live with someone with depression. I hope you don't see this as a criticism but you sleeping on the couch is probably not helping. If my husband were to start sleeping on the couch when I get depressed it would only make me more depressed. As for the jelousy, it probably has to do with the depression and insecurity. I have been masrried for nearly 12 years yet I still have fears (totatly unfounded) that my husband is going to find someone better and leave me.

I geuss what I'm trying to say is that, if you really want this to work out, you have to work on helping out of his problem by not letting it make you depressed and constantly reassuring him that you will be there. It will take time and effort and patientce but htese thin gs can be overcome. At the same time he can't expect you to do all of the work! If he is not willing to fight it and seek profesional help and try to pull himself out of it then there is nothing you can do to drag him out of it. Agian, I say this from personal experience- depression is an internal thing and rarely has anything to do with reality. Whatever you do DON'T TAKE HIS DEPESSION UPON YOURSELF, you can do all that you can to help him but in the end he has to make the choice to pull himself out of it.

When it comes down to it a mothers responsiblity is to her children. If you can't be a mother to them because of your emotional termoil and you've done every thing you can possibly do to fix the situation, in the end you have to do what is best for them and yourself. I've learned that children are never "happy" no matter what you do. My kids have everything in life and there never "happy" there allways complaining about one thing or another so I don't try to make my kids "happy" I try to make the best decisions I can for them even when they don't like it. That is what you have to do now is not focus on there imediate happiness and think of what will be best for them in the long run.



I don't know if this has been helpfull at all but I wanted you to know that there are people out there that care and I'll be praying for you.

[deleted account]

well hopefully you will have no kids cause thats important....Try and do some great bush walks or something with adventure to take your mind off your relationship and just enjoy what you are doing together, then at the end of the day get all dressed up and go out to dinner couple of drinks ....hopefully you have both had such a great day by then that everything else will just flow meaning conversation that it..lol...I hope you both have a great week-end that you both deserve together..:-)

Sarah - posted on 09/11/2009

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Thank you all for the responses this far. I do reaize that it will take two of us. I need to accept his insecurities from his past and guide him through it and support him. Hopefully he will learn and see that they are unnecessary to have with me. It's that spark of love that I need back and I think that beging in survival mode as a single mom for so long is what is holding me back. We do have a weekend away on the 19th to Denver so I am hoping something will come of it. Any ideas or suggestions?

Crystal - posted on 09/11/2009

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Quoting Halli:

Are you willing to make a change in yourself to make it work? By that I mean change things about you to change things about your boyfriend? I have to tell you about this great movie and book. The movie is called Fireproof with Kirk Cameron in it. It is a real tear jearker and you will want to watch it alone. The book that is like a work book is called The Love Dare. I absolutely love all that it stands for and let me tell you from experience, it really works wonders if you are willing to make a change. (I know you are probably thinking it's him that needs to change, but bear w/me here) My husband and I have been together since I was 15. I am now 28 and we have had many ups and downs, but I am completely devoted to making things work for my own sake and for the sake of my children's happiness. I picked up the book after a MAJOR fight and even though I didn't feel it was my fault I started the "Dare". It was such an uplifting experience and I saw immediate results (in both of us). We are both very happy in our marriage now and have learned to communicate better. Please give it a try before you throw in the towel. Best of luck!


Where can you get that workbook at??? Any book store??

Crystal - posted on 09/11/2009

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I would try counseling, meds, and if that doesn't work... i would tell him what he needs to fix and leave with the kids for a bit (at least a month) continue talking occasionally but not enough for him to get you to go back until he's tried to fix himself. You can't be happy with someone who isn't happy with themselves and their life, it just doesn't work. I was recently in the same boat... and my problems were worse than what your going through. Also if you argue and what not... your kids don't need to see any of that or hear it. So as long as you have those babies you do what needs to be done to make a better life for them and yourself!!!

Halli - posted on 09/11/2009

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Are you willing to make a change in yourself to make it work? By that I mean change things about you to change things about your boyfriend? I have to tell you about this great movie and book. The movie is called Fireproof with Kirk Cameron in it. It is a real tear jearker and you will want to watch it alone. The book that is like a work book is called The Love Dare. I absolutely love all that it stands for and let me tell you from experience, it really works wonders if you are willing to make a change. (I know you are probably thinking it's him that needs to change, but bear w/me here) My husband and I have been together since I was 15. I am now 28 and we have had many ups and downs, but I am completely devoted to making things work for my own sake and for the sake of my children's happiness. I picked up the book after a MAJOR fight and even though I didn't feel it was my fault I started the "Dare". It was such an uplifting experience and I saw immediate results (in both of us). We are both very happy in our marriage now and have learned to communicate better. Please give it a try before you throw in the towel. Best of luck!

Laura - posted on 09/11/2009

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hey sweetie
i feel ur pain i to have a husband with the same issue and to have been doing my best to work it out. my husband is 16 years older than me and that comes with so issues and he to had exs that did him wrong. he holds on to the past alot and is so jealous of everyone. i to moved 300 miles away from home to b with him and was a single mom of 3 before we got together. ur kids happiness is important but u have to b happy to they see that u r unhappy and im sure they hear the fights to. which is hard 4 all. ive found if u dont play in to the bs and they cant get a rise out of u they stop. its hard not to let what he says bother u and he is anything like my man he can say very hurtfull stuff. ignore him and tell him u will only speak to him if he wants to talk not yell. also we took a trip 2 hours away just the 2 of us and it helped us talk without the kids and ear shot. also we had us time to bring back that spark wink! took some cute little outfits and went out on the town.he still has his moments but now i dont let them temper tanturms bother me. i put my foot down and said thats it i will not b treated this way and got every little thing from the last 3 years off my chest and let him do the same. i told him if he didnt stop the bs me and the kids would leave and gave him a choice. i love him so i try to give him a chance to stop livin in the past. but if u give to many chances they will walk all over u . i to have thought of goin home and washin my hands of it all but i know how hard it was on the kids when it was just us. but they will unerstand if u have to go. dont b scared to leave if u have to and dont let him now it scares u to start over he will use it as a crutch to continue to act like a butt. tell him u took care of ur family b4 him and u have no problems doin it if he is gone. ur a great mom and u dont need a man to raise great kids! im still to workin out my issues with my man and am far from an expert but i hope my story helps u get the balls to put ur foot down and say this is how i will b treated or im done and stand behind it. dont sleep on the couch u get back in ur bed and tell him its ur bed to deal with it. be strong and good luck chic! so far my man has behaved with the fear of me leavin will it last i hope so cause i so love him but i also have a plan b fund im workin on just in case it doesnt so i can go home and not stress as much. get u a plan b put back a little hear and there and talk to ur family and friends u may need them! i hope it all works out girl! u so deserve it!

Tash - posted on 09/11/2009

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if you think that you are ready, then go. even if it is just for a week to sort out your head, and for him to sort out his and to really see what he is missing out on. are you really in turmoil over the kids or your own feelings. hope that you get all that you want. tash

Anna - posted on 09/11/2009

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Jealousy is a bad sign. Jealous people are not very loyal in themselves, I've found. That's why they are suspicious of others. What about a trial separation to see how it feels before you plan the big move?

[deleted account]

oh jelousy is very hard to overcome,have you ever tried couple counciling for you both ,not that im at all saying you have done anything,but for him to see what he is like when it comes to insecurity issues i think that you need to be there,to bring all this up..most men are against couple couciling but tell him that you are trying to save your relationship before it is too late for you both???? its going to be very hard for you to fix his insecurity probs from a previous relationship,he is going to need help overcoming what has happened to him medication wont help that he need someone to talk to him about it....

Anna - posted on 09/11/2009

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Your kids aren't going to be happy if you're not happy. But it is really major to keep moving them back and forth across the country. Even if you go 'home' it's not like you can just pick up your old life where you left off and sometimes the reality is not actually as sweet as the memory. I liked what Tanya said about earning your way out. Have you tried everything? He was your best friend - is he not anymore? If you think you could stay, could you make yourself happy regardless of him?

Sarah - posted on 09/11/2009

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His insercurities are from his ex girlfriend who left him/cheated on him because they lived in two different states. She eventually left him for the other guy so he thinks I am always doing something wrong when I am away from him and always expects and looks at the worst. How do I help that? He is on medication and his moods are better but the jealousy will still be there even if the mood is better and I don't deal with petty bs, I've been through obstacles in my life so I don't waste time on stuff that isn't necessary. I just brush off his fits and tell him to knock it off. What do you avenue do you recommend?

[deleted account]

Hi there,firstly you are a great mum to consider your kids in this :-) have you both tried to find help for the depression???

I am a true believer of earning your way out of a relationship..what i mean by that, is you have to try every avenue first ...

before you consider leaving the relationship,not that im saying you havent...its not good that you have been on the couch you must be feeling miserable...



not sure what avenue's you have around you for getting him some professional help, because that could be the only problem you have and when that is under control everything can be sorted ...

like the big grey cloud he is in has lifted,and he will see things clearer...you must feel very isolated ,i hope he finds the help he needs and that you can fix things between you so you can be happy again....

maybe try all avenues before you leave...good luck with it all..:-)

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