SM is spanking my child- ugh! Am I wrong?

Kyleigh - posted on 06/15/2011 ( 93 moms have responded )

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My b.c. went over to see their BD and their SM is now "spanking," even still! I m so fed up I want to confront her. But I m trying to figure out the right words!
I would like all punishment be done by BD and myself (if any).

I dont believe in spanking! There are other effective ways to get positive behavior i have been reading! What do you think???

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Frankie - posted on 06/21/2011

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I am both a BM and a SM and felt that I might be able to give you my insight into the situation. I have a 14 year old daughter and a 14 year old step-daughter and a 12 year old son and a 12 year old step-son. All four of the kids live with my husband and I. We have been together since the kids were 5 and 3. Just a little background info, so you know where I am coming from.

As for the spanking itself, none of the parents involved with my 4 kids has ever spanked any of them, but that is our personal choice.

As for disciplining the kids, I feel that whether a bio or step parent they need to have the right to do so. If not, the children will take advantage of the lack of structure. My husband and I sat down with his ex and my ex and established rules and punishments for when those rules are broken. And those rules and consquences need to apply to all of the parents houses. All of you, as parents, need to present a united front to the children. If not, the kids WILL take advantage of that.

If you don't want your child to be spanked, and I agree, then you need to sit down with the BD and SM and come to an agreement about what the punishments for bad behavior are.

Katrina - posted on 07/12/2011

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I would have a major problem with someone else spanking my daughter! At our house, spankings are more of a tap on the butt. They only hurt her pride, but that was when she was younger. She's 9 now & loses privileges instead.

Jenni - posted on 06/17/2011

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@Brandi- she meant from a legal standpoint. She is not considered a guardian. Therefore she has no legal rights (in some regions) to spank a child who isn't hers. It would be the same (according to law) if a stranger spanked your child. Or better yet, a school teacher. They are responsible for the children in their care, but they have no rights to discipline them in that manner. Only the biological parents do.

Jodi - posted on 06/16/2011

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I agree with you Diane, I'd be most upset if my kids were being spanked by a step parent. I think it totally crosses the line, ESPECIALLY as I don't spank my own children as punishment. I do think it is unrealistic to expect her never to punish your children (after all, there ARE times I have had to discipline my step kids because their dad has had to go to work or something), but laying a hand on your own kids, let alone someone else's, is just plain wrong.



I don't believe you should confront her. I think you need to talk to dad about this and have him manage the situation. What are his thoughts about it?



Just keep in mind that you can't dictate the rules or discipline in the other parent's house, unless what they are doing is abuse or illegal. Like it or not, that's just the way it is. But you CAN discuss with their father how you each would prefer it to be managed, and come to some form of agreement between you that should then be respected by all parties involved.

Britt - posted on 07/14/2011

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I wouldnt like it if BD's GF' or soon one day SM of my 2 bio's was spanking the children. Me and her would have words- of course no children around!
Keep your hands off, you write down everything that my bio's did that was "defiant," that day and BD should come home from work and sit down with our bio's and talk about their behavior

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Otillua - posted on 07/23/2011

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i don't have this to deal with but id like to add maybe you'd want to discuss your diferences when the kids arent around they pick up on things like this and use it lol my 5 yr old does all the time

Jennifer - posted on 07/21/2011

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Sounds like it is time to confront her BUT make sure you do it right. If the court order says she is not to be alone with them then you need to go through the court system to confront her. Otherwise you run the risk of having her press harassmint charges against you. Did your ex spank them while you were together? What was your agreement with him about punishment? I know alot of people think spanking is OK but sounds like you feel the same way I do on the subject, not in my house and not to my kids. You have every right to make that stop. If she is being left alone with the kids after the court ordered her not to be going through them might make it so the visits have to be supervised by a third party, that would deffanitly stop the spanking... How you handle it will of course affect you parenting relationship with both her and your ex but do what you feel is right for your children.

Krystal - posted on 07/20/2011

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I was spanked when I was a kid and all it did was make me scared of my dad. And from what I've read, spanking is being considered a form of child abuse...which I agree it is. I have never once gave my daughter a spanking, no matter what she did wrong.

Kristol - posted on 07/19/2011

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i have spanked my child before as a last resort to try and get in to his head what he was doing was very wrong it made no difference other than he was mad at me and i also noticed it created a monster i did it once n he did it to his lil brother when he did something he didnt like i think spanking is pointless it does not do anything but make ur child fear u and teaches them violence is how u solve problems. time outs are better taking away liked objects are better enforcing the same set of rules in those ways will get your point across and make the rules simple enough they can understand and remember

User - posted on 07/18/2011

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I believe that spanking to an extent is necessary but not from a step parent. They have no right to punish your child. I would def confront her and your BD and tell them that you do not condone spanking and that she should respect you as a mother and cut it out

Alana - posted on 07/18/2011

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if my partner ever laid a hand on my child i would kick him out the door, and if he had kids of his own i would never have touched them either i dont even spank my own son anyway, why would anyone do it to someone elses kids? this has completely baffled me here, yes, step parents need to be able to dicipline kids but smacking them? hell no!

Alana - posted on 07/18/2011

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SHE HAS NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER TO LAY A FINGER ON YOUR CHILD NEVER MIND A HAND !!!! there is absolutely no way she should be spanking YOUR kids. im suprised the BD hasnt said something to her?!n its way out of order! and your trying to figure out the right words? if i was u id be in half a mind to go there and giver her a good spanking and see how she likes it! just go round and tell her its not on and if it happens agiain you wil report her to the polica as she is assaulting your children!

Camille - posted on 07/17/2011

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A step parent does not have the right to touch somebody else's children, only their own,. I would be enraged if a step mom touches one of my kids. I agree with all that Natasha White has written!!!!!

Natasha - posted on 07/15/2011

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OH HELL NO! If if you need to F-OFF then the kids not going over there plan and simple not her kid she need to respect your wishes and if shes going to be a B***H about then the F-Her simple as that (drama free) he can see his kid under your supervision since under her's your child is getting hit! WOW that got me really upset!

[deleted account]

If anyone ever spanked my child, even if it were one of my family members. I would have them charged with assault. Its wrong in every way and i will not let my child be abused.

Michelle - posted on 07/14/2011

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My marriage is a second one with prior kids for my hubs and I. Right off the bat, I said I would NEVER strike his kid, and he was not allowed to strike MINE. I would forget the niceties and tell the stepmom straight up that while she may DISCIPLINE your kid, that she was NOT allowed to STRIKE / SPANK your kid...and if she continued to do so, you would call the police and file a report. I firmly believe in picking your battles...but this is one to fight.

***

And, BTW..I am a firm believer in spanking..as long as it is on the butt, with your hand. My daughter has had five spankings in her 14 years on this earth..the last one was when she was in the second grade. I can name the when, where and why of each one, too.

It is discipline. It is punishment. It is a consequence, which kids MUST learn.

Maggie - posted on 07/13/2011

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several things here - does BD spank the child? does SM have any biological children?

If SM has no children of her own she might not realize that there are more effective ways to correct a childs behavior. She might not also realize that by spanking the child she's creating animosity and breaking trust with the child. She's already in a precarious situation as far as being the step-parent. Spanking the child is going to make the child angry toward her which will cause more behavioral problems.

You need to sit down with all parties involved - you, BD, SM - and decide what is best for the child. Children need discipline but there are so many ways to teach kids how to behave and many of them don't involve hitting the child.

That being said, this is something I always found interesting - Discipline is derived from the word "disciple" which means "to teach" NOT "to punish"

Natasha - posted on 07/11/2011

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UGH NOPE, If i was in that situation there would be a problem it is called punishment or tell daddy or me about it and well handle it whatever way we see fit and if she dont like it OH WELL, I do not spank my kids and do not allow anyone else to do so, if there is an issue take it up with me I did not bring my child into this world to be disciplined in that manner especially by an SM so either talk to him or both of them about it and find a solution or tell him my BC is not going to come here if the SM keeps spanking our child. Its not right at all I feel your pain right now im upset with you.

Winter - posted on 06/21/2011

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You should talk to BD about it. Find out if he knows about it. Ask him to talked to SM. Tell him that if it continues you won't bring the child(ren) over. Spanking can be considered child abuse, if it physically injuring the child.

La Reina - posted on 06/20/2011

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You need to sit down with the BD and SM and discuss the disciplines together. The SM should be able to discipline- just so your child will respect her. If you dont believe in spanking you need to tell her so- but give her other ways to discipline IF she HAS to.

Leigh - posted on 06/20/2011

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Spanking is completely and utterly wrong I have 2 children and am expected my third never have I used spanking/swatting or however you want todress it up as a punishment. I just get down to their level and say no to my 19 month old in a firm voice and it works or I ignore silly behaviour the child is only lookig for a response from you by physically disciplining a child you are teaching them its acceptable to lash out! With my 6 year old I point out what is and is not acceptable behaviour and if he really oversteps the line with backchat he goes to his room to calm down tillI I say he can come down he can play with his toys in his room but must stay till I say otherwise and it seems to work. As for someone else disciplining my children, I wouldn't even accept a grandparent physically disciplining them never mind a step-parent it is completely unacceptable for her to even think she has that right they are your children and you along with the father must agree on all punishment. I would go mad if I was in your situation and most deffinately confront her if they were my children they wouldn't be going round there till the problem was sorted, children can always be disciplined more than effectively without having to resort to this punishment and if they can't then step-mums parenting skills need to be brought into question, hope you get it sorted.

Rebecca - posted on 06/20/2011

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SM should be able to discipline otherwise the children will not respect her but she should only do so according to what you and Dad say is ok

Kimberly - posted on 06/20/2011

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ummmmmmmmmmm, well, my SM spanked me once when I stayed a year with my dad and her. The only reason he allowed it was because I supposedly disrespected her, while he spanked the rest of the kids (6 of us total). My husband disciplines my oldest, which is not his bc, but when it came to the spanking, I did that. As a girl, I just don't think it is right for a man to spank a girl, it sends the wrong message. I hope this helps.

Sophia - posted on 06/20/2011

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older people have a diverent way ,like my parens they did spank some of us and some of use they let go .they did think some kids need it and some dont some kids you can let go they let you now they understand .but they fore get that they are also kids ,who like to have a rule.so they no thats how fare i can go. they wil try it anny way beceause that how kids are .but then they now ,when they are wrong .they have to lurn to respect us .

Jodi - posted on 06/19/2011

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I totally agree with you. I was just making the point, I guess, that everyone drags out the "spare the rod spoil the child", and it isn't even a true quote from the Bible. And yes, it is totally twisted and abused. If you are going to spank your children (which is actually totally unnecessary), at the very least own it and don't hide behind the Bible as your excuse.

Tiffany - posted on 06/19/2011

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Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. NIV... I think that verse is one of the most absused, twisted to mean something it doesn't in The Bible though.

Jodi - posted on 06/19/2011

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@ Tiffany, the saying "spare the rod and spoil the child" is not literally a quote in the Bible. That is not what it says. That was one of my points.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 06/19/2011

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I spank as a last resort (or hand slap) ie because child was about to touch the flames on the gas stove or run into the street/ parking lot after I told her not to. But the thing is, I'm her mom. If I found out my daughter's step mom was spanking her, I'd probably get in a shedload of trouble.
Depending on the child's age time outs or taking away privledges work for me.

Tiffany - posted on 06/19/2011

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Okay this is in regards to the "spare the rod and spoil the child" comment. It is biblical, however the shepherd uses his rod to guide the sheep not beat them.

Hollie - posted on 06/19/2011

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Great now dont give out your address @laura theres been ppl on here calling DCFS - social services on ppl finding out their addresses

Jodi - posted on 06/19/2011

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@ Laura, it's actually NOT in the bible. Just sayin'.

And please don't use your Bible as your excuse for spanking. The Bible does NOT say you should spank. It refers to rods and staffs. These are metaphorical for teaching, guiding, diciplining, not hitting.

[deleted account]

Look i am ok with spanking HOWEVER i think it is very inappropriate for the SM to be spanking your child. I would definitely talk to her and to ur ex if you havent already calmly and maturely if still it continues then girl i would be ready to fight ( not literally) to get my message across. that would definitely never be ok with me.

Laura - posted on 06/18/2011

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maybe it's where I'm from and the way I grew up, but I am a firm believer in spanking! My Mom rarely spanked us, she would just ground us...we lived in the country she took our tv shows or videos we didnt care we would go outside and climb trees, lol! Now when we got spanked we straightened up our act! I don't know a person down here that doesn't believe in spanking...I have seen first hand how a child that hasn't been spanked acts and how a child that has been spanked acts. You can DEFINATELY tell the difference! You spare the rod you spoil the child (no I dont beat my kids with a rod or anthing it's actuall in the bible) :)

Jenell - posted on 06/18/2011

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Do you have formal custody paperwork? If so then you can request an hearing or have your request put in the orders.

Maria - posted on 06/18/2011

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My question is this... as the BM are you sending a clear message to your children that you expect them to behave when they are at their BD and SM's house? If your attitude towards their SM is reflected to your kids, it will not help their behavior and may result in more discipline from the SM. She has to discipline them so that they respect her. (Notice I didn't say spank, that's a highlu personal decision).

Personally, I would approach it like this. Let her and your ex know that you have heard the kids are getting in trouble and you would like to help make sure your children learn to respect their rules, find out what they are, what does she expect from your children when they are in her house. Let her know AFTER you listen to her expectations that you do not spank and your desire is for her not to spank your children either. Let her know what works for your children in your home. Ask her if she has found any other strategies that work. If you take a diplomatic approach it is more likely to result in cooperation.
Again, try your best to keep the children out of it.

Kristin - posted on 06/18/2011

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two households, two ways of living, two different punishment styles.
like it or not, your children's step mother is an authority figure in that house. she and your ex husband apparently have different styles of dicipline. i'm sure if your ex husband didn't thinkin spanking was appropriate, it wouldn't be happening. thier house, their rules, their way of life. your children have to conform to that when they are over there.
this step mother is not just some girl, she is your ex husbands wife and is has a hand in raising your children (like it or not).
i would go off the deep end if my husband's ex wife started to yell at me for the way i discipline his children. no, i do not spank them, but my discipline is very different from hers. the rules in my house are very different from the rules in her house.
i agree with you about not spanking children, so i suggest talking to both of them. it's just not you and your ex raising the children now, it's all three of you. four of you if you have a new husband. you have to accept that this is the way things are and you two are not the only one's raising them and influencing them. i know it's a hard pill to swallow.
talk to them both calmly. talk to them about how you would appreciate things get handled because things need to be consistent is both houses. this a team effort.

Sally - posted on 06/18/2011

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I would never allow any one to touch my child apart from his dad, and even then i don't like it. Every one is different and yes i do agree you have to sit down with the other parties and talk about discipline. maybe a time out or something similar. Communication and respect for each other is the key and make sure u are all on the same page and follow ur rules. Theres no point in saying one thing and doin another.

Kelly - posted on 06/18/2011

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Okay, Heres my opinion on this subject have been a step mother now for a very long time our children live with us and see their mother one weekend every 2 weeks. When they were younger in age i did not hesitate a spank on the hiney when they were deliberately disobedient but it was so rare that it happened. Since then they have grown out of the ages of spanking being 9 and 8 i believe they are a bit too old for it. That said it scared them more than any thing and they were and are living with me and my husband....So in your position i think i would be furious. If she is a visiting step parent than she has no right to spank them how often are they with her?! Why can she not hold it together for that amount of time? My childrens mother never raises a hand to them and i believe it is because they are with her so little... or possibly she dosent believe in spanking either way.... we do but not for a non custodial step parent!

Kiley - posted on 06/18/2011

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I am a preschool teacher & have never met a co-worker, boss etc that was remotely okay with any type spanking. Spanking is wrong. I would NEVER, ever hit/slap/spank a child! I would pass along literature to the adults supervising your child & check out positivediscipline.com. Personally, I would do everything in my power to not allow my child around anyone who spanks..

Sophia - posted on 06/18/2011

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it depence how strong you are .can you give them that kind of respons .so they now wat is wrong
you have to tink before you akt.but wen you tired,there can be that time .you wil spenk them .even if you dont like to that .kids are smarter then we think ,but some times they are kids .they dot want to hurt you ,they want wath they want .and cant see wen things are wrong.better not to hurt them .

Amber - posted on 06/18/2011

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What a horrible situation. Im so sorry for you and your kids. I am a single parent without dad involved, and I am so thankful

Sophia - posted on 06/18/2011

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there can be , but some time its yest that thing .that pusch you over .talking always helps .til they are 12 years then they dont want to lisen anny more fore a while.you have to talk in there way.so they can understand.it.

Tiffany - posted on 06/17/2011

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I don't know what the dynamics of your relationship are, but I would try to approach it as a team meeting rather than a confrontation. If you could meet on neutral ground on a regular basis to discuss the children, concerns of everyone, and ways to all get on the same page that might be a step. You should arm yourself with knowledge. Research shows that spanking is ineffective as a means of teaching children self-discipline...which isn't that really the goal of discipline anyway?...for them to develop self-control, respect for self and others, the ability to eventually make good choices for the right reason...not simply out of fear of punishment. Again research shows outside of the presence of the person who spanks the child they will not change any behavior. Maybe write down your parenting goals and know how you want to accomplish them. So if you meet you can focus on what you do want rather than just what she's doing wrong. Be a good listener. Stick with the issues and don't get sidetracked by personality conflicts. Work to be a parenting team and do include her because she is going to be part of your child's life. If you can develop a positive repor with her your more likely to be heard than if she sees you as her opponent.

Christine - posted on 06/17/2011

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I would talk to both of them and say look I am raising this child and I don't want you spanking them, if you cannot refrain from doing so then perhaps they shouldn't spend that much time here. The step mom has no right what so ever to touch your child...unless the child lives there full time. I was a step mom and I raised my step children, whom I later adopted. I confronted the bio telling her you may have given birth but I am raising them so please do not go against my rules in my house. So if you are raising your child it is your rules. You should talk to them, I know I told my ex (who was useless) to never touch my children..period. If she spends time with the kids she has to be able to punish them..just tell her it can't be physical and offer suggestions that work.

M - posted on 06/17/2011

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So I only read the first 10 posts and the one thing I didn't see is this... do you even know WHY she spanked them? Start with that first.

My husband's nephew stayed with us for a school semester when he was 14. During that time, my husband went out of town on business for a week. During that one week he was gone I swear my nephew LOST HIS MIND. He started cursing at me, not obeying anything I said, he even wrote a letter call me a b*** and a host of other names. None of this he ever did when his uncle (my hubby) was around and NONE of this did he ever do with his mom. I tried all forms of discipline. I told him he couldn't talk on the phone and he couldn't watch TV. By the end of the week I told him he couldn't get on the computer. I went grocery shopping and came back and logged into my computer and his login name was in the login box - it wasn't there when I left. I got so fed up that I popped his but 5 times with my hand. He just looked at me (cuz, well he was 14), but honestly, I was just beyond myself and I refused to let a child disrespect me in my own house, no matter the reason.

I'm saying this to say, that while your kids may not need that kind of discipline when they're with you or their dad, they may need it with her. They could be acting out against her because of the situation between you and their dad. So before you make the assumption that she is in the wrong, talk to her first and see what's going on.

Synquis - posted on 06/17/2011

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She has no right to spank your child. I would tell her nicely not to touch your children in that way.
I couldn't be nice lol. I would kick her butt. But speaking to her might be the best idea.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/17/2011

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No seriously. I would walk up and smack her....

Jaime - posted on 06/17/2011

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"If the BF is OK with this method of punishment and the kids aren't coming back bruised or marked then I wouldn't even try, you will just open up a can of worms." Bullshit, because my kid is worth a can of worms and physical reprimand is not something I practice or allow others to practice on my child or my own person. I have every right to defend my son's bodily integrity if someone else thinks it's okay to hit him...wouldn't matter if it was his biological father. Discipline methods that are non-physical are completely different from spanking.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/17/2011

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Talk to their BD and see if you can get him on board with you on this. If not, there's going to be a legal battle ahead. I wouldn't let it happen period if that is what you believe in, stand up for your kids. Even if you have to smack her in her F ing face. Screw that.

Andrea - posted on 06/17/2011

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You caN't control what happens in their house any more than they can control what happens in yours. To try is futile. If the BF is OK with this method of punishment and the kids aren't coming back bruised or marked then I wouldn't even try, you will just open up a can of worms.

I understand that you feel strongly about it but the only thing you will accomplish is to cause bad blood between yourself and SM and possibly BF.

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