Sometimes I Feel Overwhelmed

Chelese - posted on 11/03/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )

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As happy as I am right now I have to say that sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Being married, having 2 children and being a stay at home self employed mom seems like I never have time to do what I want. Working from home has its advantages but drawbacks also. My husband works also but as far as who pays for most of everything is me. Now that Caleb is approaching a year old I really feel myself wanting to be in front of my computer less and spending more time with him. When Kaden was Caleb's age and basically the first year of his life it was me who helped him reach each and every mile stone. And I look at Caleb now and I feel very sad because I am not able to get that same time with him. Sometimes I feel myself wanting to just cry because I know I need to work hard to help pay the bills and keep a roof over our head but I ask myself what is more important work or my kids? And every time I will answer my kids. My husband just switched his work schedule to take on night shifts at his job so he can be here in the daytime. And as wonderful as it is to have him home in the daytime I also feel frustrated there too. My dad always says that "the man is the breadwinner. The wife stays home and takes care of the house and kids and the husband is the king and can do whatever he wants to do." My dad is old school so I don't really agree with that thinking. My husband works all night then comes home and stays up until my oldest gets home from school. What irritates me a bit is that he lacks spending the bonding time with his son Caleb. Am I wrong for wishing he would help out with his milestones? Is it wrong for me to feel angry that he lacks in helping with his walking and things like that? I know as far as the crawling the Dr's said just give him floor time in his courtyard and it will come. But shouldn't my husband be in there with me also helping out with that too? Should i be angry that he spends a lot of time playing "Angry Birds" on the computer?" Or should I just be happy that he is here. I know he loves his two boys without a doubt. I see that every time he spends time with them. But I just feel like he should play a deeper and more of an active role in their lives. Not to mention whats going on with my son at school right now. He has speech delay and that's another story all in itself to ad to all of this. Sometimes I just want to throw all the computers out of the house and say NO MORE! And just have a job that does not require me to spend so much time at the lap top and be where I want to be. And what i really wish is that I could talk to my husband and tell him how I really feel and not have to worry about it turning into an argument. Why do things have to be so difficult at times? I'll never understand it...

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Eron - posted on 11/26/2011

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sounds to me like ur both doing really well :) working, looking after children + trying to do the best for everyone is so hard! it sometimes feels like the only free time we have after we become parents is when we're sleeping lol how r things now? hope your feeling better about everything, it all seems so much easier when ur in it together x

Chelese - posted on 11/11/2011

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Hi Eron, I can totally understand what you are talking about sharing the workload and responsibilities and communications. It seemed at first that none of that was helping but now there seems to be a hint of a light at the end of the tunnel.And although communic ation is not his strong suite things are taking a little bit of a turn. When I do try to make a point it's not like i'm pointing the finger and saying you are to blame for this that and the other.So getting my sons room together and moving my laptop in here to me is a way to take a step back so he can do what he wants to do and I do what I need to do. When caleb wakes up and is running around the chance is given to have that family time. But if it feels like it's not mutual then I give him his tummy time to help with his crawling. So far it has not added fuel to the fire. I can say that it seems like it's starting to change a wee bit. I'm getting more work done by not breathing down his back and just having more piece of mind. I can tell he is noticing because he comes in here to see what i'm up too and to pull me away from the computer. Yesterday and a few days before that he wanted to have some "us" time to be intimate I said "I always have time for you and would never say no." So I believe it's not unhealthy and i'm not saying i'm getting out of the house to get my point across. And he has also started to open up a smidgen. I'm not trying to be mean or try to start something bad. Every woman who is married or in a relationship knows their spouse and does whatever works for them. And the whole point is to give a nudge to the other person however that may be. Some do it major others do it mild and the others fall somewhere in the middle.

Eron - posted on 11/11/2011

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not sure if im reading what u say right, but if i am, it sounds like your adding to your responsibilities by setting things up in your sons room to work, and instead of sharing the workload your waiting to see if your husband notices or if he will just carry on playing his game.....this is a big
argument waiting to happen.....if he thinks you are working and the little one is sorted - he will just carry on and play, dont wait for him to see the big picture, be fair and honest, u both have to work, you both have to look after the children, and the house and making time for each other is a two way street, talk as honestly as you can and try to see his side of things let him know your on his side and want to be a team but there are things that are making you unhappy right now, if he understands your not seeing him as 'the bad guy' but u want things to be better then its easier for him to work with you instead of trying to defend himself, he might just be feeling the same as you are x

Chelese - posted on 11/07/2011

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Well today after taking as much as I possibly could I decided to do something about feeling frustrated. I got my son Calebs room totally made up. I put his courtyard XT in his room and got his TV and DVD player in there and all of his toys and my laptop and table in there. So seeing as how my husband is into his freaking angry birds I am going to come in my sons room and work. Besides it's better for me to sit in a regular chair compared to sitting on the reclining love seat. Not to mention how I have to have my perfect posture when trying to work. Now I can just bring caleb in here when he wakes up and have everything set and maybe my husband will miss our presence. Or maybe not. Who knows at this point I really am getting to the point of not caring. All I know is i'm sick of watching him at that computer all day especially since i'm making a good effort to be away from my computer and spend some time with our kids and him.

Karen - posted on 11/05/2011

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I'm glad to hear that you got some time with your husband. Sometimes it's just about talking and letting each other know how you feel. Watching the show together may have been the perfect solution. Women bond by talking while men bond by doing. Another option, if it is possible, is to go for a short walk. That's time to do something together and talk about things.

Chelese - posted on 11/05/2011

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Thank you for the advice Eron and Karen. I spoke with him about this yesterday and it kinda went somewhere with the discussion and kinda didn't. But even though he didn't express much something good came out of it. I just told him that we are blessed to have this time to be together. He now works night shifts and can be here in the daytime. I told him that I was guilty of spending x amount of hours on the computer and I wanted that to change. So it's not just him and I wanted him to know that. He said he understood that its my job. I said yes this is true but doesn't make it right. My heart cries because I'm not getting the time with my family and a change has to happen quickly. Even if it means my income suffers a bit from this there has to be some time to have an "out" and that is to be with my family. He didn't really say anything at all when I told him that he spends a lot of time at the computer. So after all of that he finished up making breakfast burritos and we decided to sit on the couch together and watch Dr. Oz together. And it's funny that after I spoke about all of that the subject on his show was about women between the ages of 35 and 50 go through something thats called pre menopausal syndrome. That in itself freaked me out because I could never see myself being like that. I looked at him and said OMG could I go through that? He said "I don't think all women do. Then he started talking about how fun loving and lighthearted I am and how I like to just live for the moment and try not to have a lot of drama. So we watched all of that and talked and it was a true breath of fresh air. It made work going back to easier and I didn't seem to have any issues of him playing his "angry birds" as much. Men don't seem to deal with feelings very well and if they do it seems like something only once in a while when those feelings come up. I do know he feels bad because I make more money than he does. And I shouldn't let it bother me that he chooses a computer game for his out. Things could be much worse and he could be doing something away from home. But I'll keep working on it that's all that can really be done.

Karen - posted on 11/05/2011

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A lot of woman go through things like this, but it's not because men are inherently bad, we just think differently. That's a good thing, believe it or not. A good team needs to be able to think about and look at things in different ways. I am of the personal opinion (a plan I made myself before I was married), that woman are the best nurturers, and that we should be in charge of the most important unit of our society. Men are inherently better at being "the breadwinner", or at least it is so ingrained into their very being that they become depressed if they are not able to provide for their family.

I would suggest finding time for just you and your husband. A regular date night would be good for your family. Also, time to just talk and dispel semantics and hopefully resolve issues before they become arguments. (easier said than done, we have this happen a lot in our home). As for "Angry Birds"... As is the case with any addiction, I've heard it said that game addictions are often a release from reality, that they seem to provide something that you are not getting in real life. When my husband is un-employed, he often gets addicted to a game where he feels productive. Sometimes it is a city building game, sometimes it is a store of sorts where he earns money. "Angry Birds" sounds like it would be hard to create a reality for, but you could discuss with him what he needs and try to resolve it in more real and tangible ways than with the game. (sorry about the wording, I've never been able to express myself very easily) Then again, sometimes it's just relaxation time. In moderation it should be okay.

I hope that helps. I know that fulfilling our divine calling can be a stressful one, especially with so many trying to make us think we are "oppressed".

Eron - posted on 11/04/2011

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wow, you should be patting yourself on the back! you are running a successful business and bringing up your children as if you dont work! Well done you should be proud of that :) i think your dads old school views must worry you a little, you know better, but you grew up with these beliefs and maybe because your life is different to those beliefe you feel like your not doing things right? you should bear in mind that even if your husband was the only earner in the house, his wage would not cover 24/7 childcare, cooking and cleaning. Being parents and running a home should always be a team effort. The fact you worry means your a good mum. Be honest with your husband about the things that worry you, it doesnt need to be an arguement, explain whats hard for you, what worries you without blaming him, the hardest part about parenting is finding time to be a couple x

Chelese - posted on 11/03/2011

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Oh wow now that really sounds like me. We have lived out here for about 6 years now and it's pretty pathetic when I think I allowed myself to not get out and make new friends but sadly very true. I'm a people person and just love the outdoors. I love being out in the fresh air meeting new people and creating some kind of friendship. The recent place we moved into has a lot of nice people and I made it a point to get my kids out and take them to the park and meet new people on this block. I have already started doing that. Thats the big draw back from being self employed is it keeps you inside a lot. I always tell my husband that I wish I could trade places with him and be out. But he's like "I don't hang out with my friends. All I do is work and come home." And i'm like okay but at least you are out every day at work with other people. But then I think about my kids and all the bitching and complaining I do is just silly because i do have the chance to be here with them.

Tonilee - posted on 11/03/2011

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yes i am the same but dont work from home cos my husband is very old school and likes the woman at home to look after kids and all house chores and i feel the same we have just moved to a new town and i dont seem to have anytime to get out and about and meet people.

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