Taking Step Daughters Brother

PLW - posted on 12/13/2015 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I married a great man with a great family. His mother started picking up his daughter who is 9 a few years ago and bringing her little brother who is 8 with a different dad along too. Now we get him too. He has his own dad he sees every so often, but has been calling my husband dad too (I do not agree with that, but it happened before my time).
What are your thoughts on this? I feel like I'm constantly reverting to thinking about his blood family and if they know he's with us and want to spend time with him too. We take him for days, weeks and even months in the summer at a time so it's convenient for the mother.
Just thoughts and what you would do please. I feel like a loner in the subject.

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Michelle - posted on 12/14/2015

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Well if he's not your husband's child then why does he agree to have him? I understand the siblings do need to have a relationship but you and your husband don't need to be looking after him for long periods of time.
Your husband needs to talk to his ex and let her know that you can't be looking after him all the time and she needs to find someone else.

Raye - posted on 12/14/2015

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Unless the mother compensates you for watching the boy, then I would tell her to make other arrangements for long stays.

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JazzyGirl - posted on 12/18/2015

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I'm sorry but it seems like the mothers not taking the responsibility for her son. He's not with dad who seems like he's in and out of the picture whichever works for him, so therefor it's mom's job to pick up the slack and do her job. Obviously they're not still together. So usually in that sort of situation when a couple has split and the child is with the mother then she usually provides and takes cares of them full time. It sounds to me like she's just throwing her child off on you guys. As a mom I wouldn't even think of doing that. I hardly leave my son with anyone ever unless i absolutely need to, family, close friends or not. I think it's kind of an awquard position to be put in. I also don't really agree to her son calling your husband dad but maybe he needs someone to step in and play the father figure role, since his biological dad is hardly ever around. Maybe that was something they agreed on so that he would have that male role-model in his life. Single women with sons and absentee fathers often do that, think of placing there children around other positive men so they will have an example to look after or even to answer some of those questions that we can't answer as women. You know when puberty hits, girls, male bonding and all that great stuff. Some of those things we just can't tackle on. However I still don't think that she should be taking it so far and making him play the full role of dad. Because that's exactly what's happening especially if he's staying with you guys for extended periods of time including over nights. I think it's kind of weird too that he calls him dad, but as you said before that was already set in place before you came along. Unfortunately it does leave you in an awquard position since you have no claim to these children but you are not wrong for feeling this way. I think anyone would be wondering these things it makes sense. I have no suggestions since I've never been in a situation like this myself, but it seems to me like you guys are playing the role of parents and it's a pretty sticky situation. I'm wondering if the mother even cares. It seems to me like she doesn't. No matter how connected i am to someone I would never leave my child there for months at a time. No respectable mom would do that. It just seems odd to me.

Raye - posted on 12/17/2015

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Errin, if you read the OP, the husband's child is 9 y/o. The younger child that is dumped at their house is 8 y/o, fathered by a different man. That would lead one to believe that the OP's husband was already broken up with the mother and wouldn't have been living together as "mommy and daddy". Only by the fact that he has allowed the mother to leave both children with him, has the younger boy started calling him dad. I had a best friend whom I had sleepovers with often, and I called her mom "mom". So it's not so much about what the child calls him. He knows his real father, so that's not really the point. The point is that the woman leaves the child for extended periods with adults he is not related to. There should be financial support and legal limited guardianship in place for them to care for this child that is not theirs over weeks or months, or the mother should make other arrangements.

Errin - posted on 12/17/2015

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The very first time my brother called our father dad my mom said to him Jerry correct that... And my dad didn't so my mom said if you let him call you dad then you have to own it and be a dad... All this man is doing is owning the responsibility he mad to that child when he didn't correct him... It's Extremely noble , and makes him a very good man...

Michelle - posted on 12/16/2015

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But she's also said he gets left for days, weeks and even months! What Mother would just leave their child with someone else for months at a time? Especially people that aren't related at all.

Errin - posted on 12/16/2015

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That's the same if you leave ur child with anyone?? And I'm sure every person who posted the legal stuff has left there child with a baby sitter , aunt , or uncle, maybe a grandparent for a few days? At the end of the day if something happened to ur child while they were staying with a family member , you would get to ur child ASAP.... As I'm sure this mother would do as well.. This child considers this man a father, and there's so many fathers who are not even there for the kids they bring into this world ... I think being happy you got one of the good ones and supporting him is the best thing... Again just a different point of view .

Errin - posted on 12/16/2015

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? I don't agree with these ladies at all... Did ur husband used to live with his mother ? And help raise him?? If so they have probably have a special bond and this little boy looks up him like a father ... I think ur blessed to have such an amazing man who thinks of this child as his own and stepped up ..... My dad met my mom when my brother was only 6 months and he grew up knowing him as his dad .... He's now 27 and my dad is the only dad he's ever known ... All I can say is if my parents ever spilt and my dad stop thinking of my brother as anything less then a son I wouldn't feel the same about him that's for sure .... Different point of view

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