Thinking of stopping at one.

Bethany - posted on 01/18/2010 ( 27 moms have responded )

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I am seriously considering keeping Charlotte our one and only. She is 11 mths. I have no interest in doing this again, and am not concerned in her socialisation as we have alot of friends with kids, plus all the school, sports, arts, etc. What do you think? Think I'll change my mind later?

27 Comments

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Stephanie - posted on 01/24/2010

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i always thought being an only child would be soo boring but then again you get wat you want usually but i am 20 with a 17 yr ols sis who never lived with me she was adopted and a 23yr old sis who did live with me. we got into our fights but now that we are older we better. my younger sis we finally met like 8 yrs ago and she was afraid she would never be an aunt. i now have a 4month old lil girl and already want another. ive always wanted to be a young mom and have at least 2 kids. but it your and your hubbys choice.

Sara - posted on 01/24/2010

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My husband and I had always planned on 2. Then I had my daughter, and she was great. But I didn't want another. Partially because I knew she was a pretty "easy" baby and I was afraid I couldn't handle a baby that wasn't. And partially because she just really fulfilled me. And partially because we chose to have me stay home with her, our income dropped a LOT and another baby would be a financial strain. And because I was home with her all day, I knew that even with a supportive husband, my "work load" would more than double with a second child. Everything added up to me not wanting another. Like you, I wasn't worried about the socialization thing.
Then when my daughter was about 3 1/2 she started asking when she could have a brother or sister. We just said it wasn't going to happen anytime soon and it might never happen. But by then I had kinda turned around and thought a second might not be too bad. My husband had also gotten a decent raise with a job change, so the financial worries had faded a bit. In the end we decided to have two. My son was born when my daughter was 4 1/2. I like that age difference, even if I hadn't originally planned for them to be so far apart.
One last thought - it's not something I am proud of, but I do think I was a "better" mom to one than I am to two. I just had so much more patience when I only had to deal with one child. I worry that my son doesn't get the same attention that his sister did. And there are times that I worry about his development because of this. Nothing too bad, but just thoughts that sneak in when I'm tired or at the end of my rope. And it's not just a cliche about the workload - it doesn't double with two, it's at least three times as much and as hard. Not really sure how, but it is. And yet, I'm so happy with two.

In the end, you may change your mind... Only you and your husband can really know if it's right or not.

Paula - posted on 01/24/2010

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I raised one by myself for 15 years and it was very difficult because he wanted my attention so much. Then I had 3 more at when I was 39,41, and 43. Beleive me having more is easier than having one cause they play together and become friends later on.

My oldest resents that he was the only one aqnd feels isolated but his younger brothers and sisters adore him.

Becky - posted on 01/23/2010

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I stopped at one - she is now 9 1/2 years old and a gifted student, very well socialized, a very happy and very loved child. It took me 4 years to get pregnant, I had a very rough delivery, plus I was 37 years old at the time. I know how you feel - after all I went through and the damage I suffered to my back/SI joints, I think even if I had wanted to have another child my body wouldn't make it through another delivery!

The only regret I have is that when my hubby and I get older that she is not going to have any siblings to help her get through it when we inevitably die. My mom died suddenly less than two years ago and my dad is in poor health. Hopefully she will have a great husband and network of friends to help her when the time comes.

Liane - posted on 01/22/2010

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i think you may change your mind my boy is nearly twelve and i was finished , wrong my baby is 4 months n was very much planned. each to their own but i dont regret going back to it . xx

Dervla - posted on 01/22/2010

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lol i waitd almost 13 yrs to have my 2nd child and she will be 6 yrs old in march an our baby number 3 is due in april, but this is my last one. i had intended on leaving gaps in their ages in order to give them all my time and attention when they were younger ok i didnt mean for a 13 yr gap haha but thats the way things worked for us.
u may change ur mind by the time ur daughter is 3 or 4 yrs old u may not but at the end of the day its ur choice a lot of moms only do it once. and their kids grow up perfectly well adjusted.

[deleted account]

Ok I have 2 kids and I have friends with only 1 and friends with 3 or more. I thought after my son I would be done at least for awhile but now I know I want more. I would just like to tell you not to make any drastic decisions right now about doing anything surgical to prevent pregnancy cus it may not be able to be reversed down the road. If I were you and not sure if I would regret not having any more kids I would get the mirena iud put in it lasts for i believe 3 yrs or maybe 5 but either way an iud would be your best chance to change your mind down the road. Its ultimately yours and your husbands decision

Linda - posted on 01/21/2010

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I couldn't think of having more until my oldest was 2. I thought I'd have only one but after she turned 2 I had a desire to have another one because our choice was that we didn't want an only child. We then waited 11 years to have our son. I wouldn't trade my three children for any amount of money....they are well cared for and provided for, and our oldest is now married with two boys of her own. You need to do what is right for you and your husband. Those that don't want children or truly only want one shouldn't have more....but don't choose not to have children because you want time for yourself or because you want to spend lots of money on one child. We didn't have much growing up and whether my parents had stopped at just me or continued to have my three brothers, it wouldn't have mattered much. We all turned out great...and not having the best of everything and not having everything we wanted probably was a blessing for us.

Cherry - posted on 01/21/2010

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I was an only child. At one point in my life I did want an older brother (ha!) but that was short lived. Otherwise, I have always enjoyed things the way they were. Growing up Roman Catholic, I was very much an anomaly because all of my schoolmates had families of 4 - 15 kids (catholic school!). I could see the advantages of my being one since my parents were able to give me things I wanted in life: piano lessons, 4x/week ballet lessons, trip to europe with my friends when I was 18, my own room, private university education. My parents both worked so my mom had to make sure that mom friends drove me everywhere. I know that being able to provide (both emotionally, physically and financially) would have been difficult if I was more than one. . . .When I got older, I did ask my parents why they stopped at one. My mom said that she enjoyed being a career woman/working but also believed that children came first so she said that when she had me, she stayed home for 2 1/2 yrs (which was very very hard on her, she said since she didn't feel fulfilled) and then went back to work. My mother came from a family of 4 and my dad came from a family of 8. They said that they had ambitions about what they wanted to provide their children and felt that after I had come along, one was enough. Oh, we also lived far away from extended family---an ocean away, so they had no one to lean on but each other. I can also remember my mom sacrificing her career by turning down promotions during my junior high and high school years so that she could keep working the same number of hours in the same state. Taking promotions for her usually meant having to move and she didn't want to disrupt my life at that time. I know this is a long post but thought it might be helpful to see my parents thought process when it came down to deciding on one. . . I come from a family of immigrants and there is a strong emphasis that each generation must be more economically successful than the previous one so stopping at one would have made sure that all of the resources were funneled to one child.

Ni Cole - posted on 01/21/2010

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My husband and I stopped at one. So far! She's 10 now, and I love that I can take her to things like the Ballet and concerts, musicals, out to nice restaurants, etc. without having to worry about finding a sitter for a younger child. Plus she's in a lot of activities, which would have to be pared down if we were paying for more children's dance/music classes or sports. Of course there are times when I feel like we should have had more, especially when I see other kids interacting with their siblilngs, or when I miss having a little one to hold, stuff like that. I think you'll just know if and when the time is right for another child.

Debbie - posted on 01/20/2010

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at the end of the day it's up to you. there is 14 years between me and my brother, I remember not being happy when he was born and he was only 4 years old when i left home, but we are close now, there is only 10 1/2 months between my boys. I was told that I couldn't have children and the first was ivf. the youngest is only 7 months but they already play together and I do feel that I missed out on things like that. the only thing that came out from being an only child is that I want a big family. good luck to you

Tamara - posted on 01/20/2010

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i stopped at one and its great!!! My daughters nw 14 and shes a well rounded teen with her own mind and goals for her future. Choose what works for u don't let society dictate your personal choice. Most plp thought i was selfish to have one child, people still ask me nw "r u going to have another kid" shes 14 lol. So just be ready to tell plp off nicely. lol . raising a child is hard work and can sometimes be lonely, so i say do u!!! which means do what makes u happy. as parents we worry so much about evybody esle that we lose sight of what makes us smile. and changing dirty diapers don't cut it!!

Bec - posted on 01/20/2010

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i have 3 boys and there is a 7 yr gap between my eldest and my next one. So even now, sometimes he still feels like an only child. Dont get me wrong, he plays with the other two and stuff but the age gap makes a difference. I can understand your feelings. You obviously love you little girl so much and having one definately gives you that opportunity to spend all your devoted time to just them. That doies change with more kids but you still love them all equally. My eldest definately has different social skills compared to the other two. He knows how to hold a conversation with adults and is more empathetic and has a different maturity than the others did at the same age, but he still, even now, has sharing issues lol! He play differently cause he was on his own, but that could also be a personality thing too. You just do what you do, whateva decison you make is right for you. We still get people making us feel we did the wrong thing by having such a huge gap, but its my family and its what works for me! Good luck and just enjoy every moment you have right now, it goes so quick!

Cartnee - posted on 01/20/2010

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It's all up to you. I am on the other end of the spectrum in that I want alot of kids. We have a 2 & 1/2 yr old and a 1 yr old which are both boys. They are just 17mths apart. They are starting to play together on a regular basis and it's just wonderful to see. My first was a great baby, which left me feeling like you that the second would be a bad baby. Nope. Even better than our first. So, take it all in stride. You may change your mind, you might not. Only you know what is right for you and your family. We are at the point where we have passed the age difference between our first but we want to get a bigger house before we have the next two. lol

Christy - posted on 01/20/2010

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i am the same way. Alexia is 18 months old and she fulfills both mine and her father's expectations of what we had always wanted. i was an only child and for the most part didn't miss having siblings, especially when my friends complained about theirs. he has a younger brother but they don't get along so well and his parents definitely played favorites (not in his favor oddly enough seeing as he's the good son). i personally don't think that i could ever love another child as much as i love my Lexi. i have toyed with the idea of having another one simply so she could have a playmate but i think that's kind of unfair to the 2nd child since i don't want that baby simply for it's own sake, if that makes any sense.

you may change your mind down the road, she is only 11 months after all, so unless you planned on anything drastic like getting a tubal or having your partner get a vasectomy i wouldn't be too concerned yet =)

Sonia - posted on 01/20/2010

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maybe u will when she gets more independant and wont need u so much mayde then ud want to start over thats what happened with me after my first thats what i said but then it just got boring and i had my second after 3 years and i think it was a good expand of time in between both kids and then a little surprise i got a thrid child after my second was 2 now that was harder but they r now 9,6and soon to be 4 and i would not change anything its just great alot of work but just great

[deleted account]

I'm not sure how old you are, but you look pretty young. You may change your mind later depending on your circumstances - things always change. If you choose only to have one child - there is nothing wrong with that. I think you will know what is right for you when you come to that crossroad. Peace to you & Charlotte. Good Luck!! :)

Jennifer - posted on 01/19/2010

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You shouldn't feel bad about being satisfied with one. Not everyone is wired to have a lot of kids!:) You also DO NOT have to make this decision right now. At only 11months, you have enough stress in your life. When my son was that age, my husband and I both were feeling exactly as you are. Now that my son is almost 2&1/2 we are planning our next pregnancy:). I can tell you that it does get easier and yeah, you may very well change your mind. But, if you don't, that's ok too. Just don't make any drastic decisions until you're really sure. You have plenty of time.

Laurie - posted on 01/19/2010

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Bethany - I thought the same thing with my son. That he was incredibly good - sleeps wonderfully, eats everything for the most part, etc etc. I figured the next child couldn't possibly be so easy but Sarah, just born four months ago is almost as easy going as her brother. So your genes, instead of being "used up" probably work in your favour LoL! Anyway - the decision is yours of course but I would echo the other mothers to not do anything irreversible as you may change your mind, especially if you are still young. As Charlotte is still very young I wouldn't rush it anyway even if you do change your mind right now. Dealing with a two year old and a four month old at the same time is challenging even when they are both being reasonably good! I hadn't actually planned on having them this close together but you get what you get and it is working out well so far!

Bethany - posted on 01/19/2010

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It's ok, not considering anything drastic. I have the Implanon implant in my arm that lasts for 3 years. After that, we'll see. We'll see what kind of kid Charlotte is by then and decide if we want to try again. As far as kids go, Charlotte is a gorgeous textbook/angel, with her first visit to the doctor just yesterday, for some humid weather nappy thrush. I guess I think I might have used up all our good genes on her.

Michelle - posted on 01/18/2010

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I do think you'll change your mind, personally. You may not because that may be the right decision for you, but I wouldn't do anything permanent quite yet. We went through a period from about 6 months until about 14 months where my fiance flat told me he would not have more kids. That definitely changed. The first year or so is just so hard because of all of the adjustments you have to make, the trials of learning to be a parent, and learning to maintain your relationship, etc. I would just keep an open mind for a while, and make any permanent decisions later on. You wouldn't want to rush into something and then change your mind later and not be able to do anything about it. There's nothing wrong with only wanting one, but just.... make sure you're 100% positive that's what you want.

[deleted account]

If you only want one, then don't have another. However, if you change your mind later, then that's fine too. You probably won't regret having another child though. Children each bring their own love to a family. But like I said, if you don't want any more, then that is your choice. And good for you for knowing what you want!

Jennifer - posted on 01/18/2010

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Do what you want. If you are comfortable with just one and that is all you want than do it. I just wouldn't get anything permanent done (like tubes tied), because you may decide later on that you want another one. After my third child, I was dead set on that being it. I was not going to have another one, but just recently my husband and I decided to try for a 4th. I'm sure glad my last doctor refused to tie my tubes. Give it a couple years and you may still feel the same way, or you may decided that you would like another one. That is all up to you.

[deleted account]

My husband and I are pretty solid on just having the one child. I see nothing wrong with it. Who knows, maybe one day we'll change our minds but there are many things we like about having an only child. Not to mention, I was an only child and I liked it. I wasn't lonely, nor am I a social weirdo because of it haha. And my husband has a sister but they don't have a very good bond so he's not one of those people that says things like, "I can't imagine life without my sibling so I want my child to have a sibling too."

Holly - posted on 01/18/2010

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I would keep an open mind about it. Of course right now Charlotte is only 11 months old and you've probley been through quite the life changer this last year. But when the dust settles and she gets a little older you might want another little one. Or a playmate for her. I've always wanted atleast two and couldn't see myself with just one (that's why I'm due with baby number two in May), but I think of all the joy my son has brought me and how much more joy another will bring and it makes all the sleepless nights and new mommy struggles worth it. But don't feel bad about having the one that one child is a blessing and will keep you plenty busy :). So enjoy her and just keep an open mind to the possibility of having another.

Alicia - posted on 01/18/2010

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I think if you want another, one day it will just hit you...until then, just enjoy the time with your daughter. Don't let anyone pressure you otherwise.

Jane - posted on 01/18/2010

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My husband & I waited 12 years to have our 2nd baby. I wouldn't worry about it right now she's only 11 months old, enjoy her! Maybe you'll change your mind maybe you won't, either way it's up to you & your hubby. Lots of people think that having an only child will effect their social skills, this is not true. My oldest never had any problem & the other only children I know are very out going as well. Do you what you think is best & never let others make you feel bad 'cause Charlotte is an only child. Our families always tried a guilt trip on me about our oldest being an only child, I didn't let it bother me they'll get over it. Good luck & remember either way is a good choice!!

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