Torn between my husband and daughter!!

Amber - posted on 04/25/2012 ( 12 moms have responded )

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When me and my partner first got together my daughter was 2yrs. He knew that it was a package deal. He and my daughter got along so well. He basically wanted to be her father figure since her real dad was never around. We have had two kids since then and their relationship started to change. To her he is her dad and she didnt understand what was going on. By the time she was in fourth grade he started ignoring her. when she came into the living room and he was there he acted like it bothered him. I talked to him about how it affected her and me. He said he would change. He did for a minute. It went on like that for years, like a roller coaster. Now she is in 8th grade and is scared to talk to him because of all the ups and downs. I really don't know what to do. I just want my broken family to be complete.

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Karen - posted on 04/25/2012

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I really hope that you can help yourself and your daughter. Her stepdad is hurting her emtionally. It's a form of abuse and she souldn't have to get use to it. Please seek some therapy for her as well, cuz she has to undo all that she learned from him.
You say you have boys as well. Do you want them treating their sister like that? Then one day treating their partner like that? They will need to see this stoped as well.

You say he will not go to therapy but have you really asked him?

I know it's scarey and you don't want to split up your family. But I think you need to really talk with him and let him know that things need to change and you need to get some help to change cuz it's not easy.

Praying is great but sometimes the powers to be wants us to take some action too.

Please be safe and keep your daughter safe.

Amber - posted on 04/25/2012

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Thank you for all you advise. I will take in to consideration all you have said.

Girlnextdoor - posted on 04/25/2012

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Amber P,
I'm so glad you posted here and shared your concern with us. Even though you don't think your partner will go to counseling...have you considered going yourself? The reason I say this is that a counselor would be able to provide you with some tools to help your family. I work for Focus on the Family and we offer a free counseling session over the phone with licensed therapists. http://bit.ly/wZKctV It's definitely worth a phone call. I'll be praying for you.

Medic - posted on 04/25/2012

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Your boys are learning how to treat girls from their father. You seem to be rationalizing all of this at your daughters expense. So she says she is used to it...should any child be used to that? Is it healthy for her to think that this is normal? She is learning how men should treat women and is this the way you want her treated by her future spouse?

Amber - posted on 04/25/2012

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I really dont think he would go for counseling he is a very stubborn man. The thing is he has told me he knows he should do better but has yet to fully try. I continue to pray and hope god will turn things around. I ask my daughter how she feels about the way things are and she says she is use to it. She doesn't want us to spit up. I know they care about eachother. He does care about her how she acts and everything that goes on in her life. Its just the same kind of love he gives his boys. This is a tough situation to go through.

Carol - posted on 04/25/2012

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Would counseling help? My dad was stand-offish too for my entire life. As an adult I can see that I unwittingly did things to push him away as a kid. I'm a twin and a lot of the time we acted like we didn't need anyone else. Do it now though. My dad is a piece of garbage and not worth the time of day. Not only has he managed to push me and my twin out, but our older brother and his angel/favorite daughter are no longer speaking with him. Had he been to some kind of counseling when we were younger he may not have lost all contact with his family. It would have helped us see why he acted the way he did and what our actions did to him as well.

It doesn't only affect the dad-kid relationship. It effects how the kids treat each other too. We used to take it out on my sister that she'd get special treatment. He was physically abusive to us twins and our older brother, but never laid a boot, belt, or hand on our sister. As adults we realized that it wasn't her fault and just occasionally teased her for it. We had always thought she knew that we didn't blame her and were just poking fun at what an idiot our dad was. It turns out that she still thought we hated her for it. She blew up one day and told us to F-off. Things are a lot better between us siblings now that we explained ourselves and apologized. We NEVER tease her about it. Good luck.

Amber - posted on 04/25/2012

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I don't. I think hearing it from someone else has helped me get back to reality!

Medic - posted on 04/25/2012

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Your other kids are basically being given permission to treat her differently. Is this the behavior you want any of your children to learn?

Amber - posted on 04/25/2012

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I've tried and prayed. I also feel torn about leaving on how that would affect my other kids. I'm so confused on what choice to make.

Medic - posted on 04/25/2012

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How as a mother can you let someone treat your child like that for so long? Put a stop to it. Your children should always come before your man.

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