Torn up about my husband.

Vanessa - posted on 02/16/2011 ( 123 moms have responded )

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Update:



Thanks to everyone for their support and advice



It seems the storm has passed.

After months of struggling my husband finally talked to his friend. This morning he received a text message from her inviting him to another concert. He called her and told her that if she wants to hang out outside of class she can't just invite him, but both of us because we are a married couple. He told her that they had a connection after 2 years of being buddies in class together and that it wasn't fair to me. He also explained to her that he had never thought there was a problem being friends with her because I had male friends of my own, but he realized that I had always made sure that he got to know them and became friends with them too and they (my male friends) view us as a unit and would never invite me out without asking him along too.

Apparently she also has trust issues and doesn't open up to many people for fear of being judged. She was afraid to let her guard down around me because she thought I would make fun of her.

They are still going to be friends in class, but he told her that if she had something funny to share with him she could feel free to send it to me, because he would still get to see it but it wasn't right for her to send them to him. I am very optimistic about the future.

******



This may end up being very long and windy, and I apologize. I'm having a very hard time and I want to make sure I explain the entire situation to get good advice.



I am a 31 year old stay at home mom with an absolutely wonderful 3 and a half year old daughter. She has just started pre-school and is inquisitive about everything! It's very cute in small doses but it is starting to cause me a pretty significant amount of stress. She also repeats the last few words of everything and anything I say to her.



While I'm caring for our daughter at home, my husband owns and operates his own pool cleaning business. It's very tedious and monotonous work and he's by himself all day. A few years ago he started taking Japanese at the community college nearby. I'm half Japanese and I'm teaching my daughter to speak Japanese so it seemed like a really great thing. He has been doing extremely well in his classes (had the highest grade in his class). When he first started taking classes it was really awkward and uncomfortable for him because all of his classmates were 18-20 year olds (he is 33) and he had would sit by himself during the break and have no one to talk to. Then one of his 19 year old classmates befriended him and included him with her group of friends. He told me about her, and I really thought nothing of it. He added her on Facebook and they kept in touch over the Summer (emailing now and again) because they were going to be in the next level of Japanese class the following semester. She is the only one from the first class that stuck with Japanese. She is his only friend in class, and he probably would have quit going to school if it were not for her (due to it being so uncomfortable and unfriendly).



Then there were a couple of incidents that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. She invited him to a concert, he asked me if it was ok that he go, I was fine. He went to the concert with her but didn't end up coming home until 1 am because he was talking to her in the parking lot. I should explain that the concert was her ex-boyfriends bands. She had come to him for advice about the ex on previous occasions, and he had told me all about it. Even knowing all that I was still really uncomfortable with him being out until 1 talking to her about it without even calling me. I started getting paranoid at about that time. They would be partners on school projects and he would have her over to work on them (while I was home.) But one night when I was supposed to be out babysitting overnight for his sister, he told me he planned to have his classmate over to work on the project some more late at night. I flipped out and told him he should not be having a 19 year old girl come over at night when I'm not at home, regardless of the situation. He cancelled on her, and rescheduled for the next night, but he was annoyed and didn't understand why I would be so upset since he saw absolutely no harm in the situation. Then she started texting him pretty frequently, and he started texting her. Not just replying to her messages, but sending his own texts. I started getting really upset about the texting and the facebook messaging so I asked him to tell me about any messages that were going back in forth. He has been completly forthcoming, but he felt like he was having to ask my permission every time he decided to send a message which made his messages strained and increasing his irritation at me. If I ask, he lets me read them.



I should also point out the fact that I have a male friend that I was texting back and forth with in the past 6 months. We were just starting to become better friends and my husband is also friends with him, and I didn't get any feeling from my husband that the texting was bothering him. Since I started feeling uncomfortable about my husband texting I have stopped texting my friend completely.



So we've been really fighting since December about his 19 year old classmate. I've brought up divorce a few times, but whats really awful is we've fought in front of our daughter, she is now no longer phased to see me crying.



I know that nothing inappropriate is going on between my husband and this girl. He has brought her over a few nights to have dinner with us (at my request) and he still is willing to share all his messages back and forth with her. But it still sinks me into a pit of dispair every time I hear his phone buzz, or I see him texting. I know all the messages back and forth are harmless (mostly about food and funny things that happened) but i'm really bothered by the fact that they are getting to be such close friends. He still has class for another 3 months and then that's the end of Japanese classes at the community college. He's convinced that they will lose touch with each other at that point, but i'm not so sure.



He's done everything I've asked him to do to make me comfortable with the situation (even if it's been grudgingly at times). At one point I was seriously considering moving out and he called her to cut off communication with her. I later relented because I don't want to dictate who he can and can't be friends with. But Even knowing all of that in my head, It bothers me that my husband would be close friends with a 19 year old girl. I don't know what to do. She even babysat for us on Valentines Day so we could go out for dinner. She's 19 and young and enthusiastic which is why the texting is happening, but it hurts me that he reciprocates in kind. I'm depressed and sad alot of the time, I know i'm reacting irrationally and most of this is based on jealousy but it's not getting any better.



Please help :(

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Amber - posted on 02/16/2011

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I think you're really being completely irrational.



I'm in college and am a stay at home mom. My study buddy for the last 3-4 years has been a guy. We don't just take one class together, we take all of our classes together and have every semester.



We are always group partners and study buddies. Some weeks we'll spend 4-5 hours outside of class studying for tests and doing homework. And we even carpool to save on gas.



And we also text each other back and forth all the time, whether it's about school or not. We've become really close friends. People joke all the time that you never see one without the other.

And our SOs are both in the same field. So, when we get together as a foursome, they can talk about work and we can do the same.

My son adores him. And since my SO has been called active duty for the next year, my study buddy comes over to play with my son sometimes or help me out with something that I can't do. He's like a brother/uncle to us. And I adore his fiancee.



You do not have to be the ONLY woman in his life. You just have to be the most important and only intimate woman in his life.

And he obviously views you as this because he is willing to hand over his phone, has introduced you to her, and has even told you that he will end all communication with her. You are very obviously his number one priority.



Not every man is a cheater, and not every young woman wants your husband to cheat on you with her. Maybe she didn't have a father or brother and likes having a guy that she can get advise from.

Men and women can be friends and not end up in a sexual or complicated emotional relationship with each other. As you have already exhibited by having a male friend of your own.



Maybe you should try to spend a little bit of time with her without your husband. Get to know her and maybe you'll like her too. You just have to stop thinking of her as competition.

Jane - posted on 02/16/2011

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you're not acting irrationally. your instincts are NEVER wrong. if it hasn't gone anywhere so far, it most likely will. she's 19. 19=naive/stupid/just doesn't know. he's married w/a child. it needs to stop. you can teach him Japanese at home. end of discussion.

sorry, but i'm not one for embracing my childrens' freedom or any friendships my husband wants to have w/members of the opposite sex. i guess i'm not modernized; i like my kids safe by my side and i like my husband to be with me only and confide in me only, that's what makes intimacy in a marriage. of course he likes to look at women, that's what tv is for when i'm out of the room or asleep. it can feed his sexual appetite, whatever, but i am the ONLY woman in his life and he is the ONLY man in my life. i really don't see the purpose of friendships w/people of the opposite sex who are not your spouse.

it's plain and simple.

try your best, the both of you, to have discussions/arugments out of the sight and earshot of your daughter. even if it means going into the car.

good luck. you're not off track or imagineing anything.



as far as your daughter's annoying behavior, it's the age. they all do it. i comfort myself w/Babycenter.com, it gives you a weekly/monthly update of milestones and what to expect. it's nice to go on there and see that i'm not the only one, ya know?

Erin - posted on 02/17/2011

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Vanessa,
I didn't think she had a boyfriend. It wouldn't make any sense why she would be spending so much time. After reading through the posts and seeing as you wrote that you guys will fight until 4 am after your daughter is in bed worries me. Why is he fighting so hard for her when you and your daughter should be his number one priority? He really just needs to respect your wishes and feelings and not contact her anymore. Too bad if he's upset about it, you've been upset about it for much longer, and it's putting a strain on your marriage. You should just give me his cell number and I'll test hima a word or two. lol. But really, does it seem like he's fighting for his relationship with her more than his relatioship with you and his child? Doesn't he realize that and man should always be there for his wife. Oh and also, if you want it to stop, you need to stop texting that other guy, it's just as inappropriate as he is texting her, if you're both saying it's harmless. Doesn't matter. Texting is easy to stop. You just litterally stop. The person will text you asking if you got their messages but you just need to distance yourself from that and stop. It's being hugely hipocritical on your part. I don't know if it's a "well he's doing it, so I can" thing, but it needs to stop, the both of you. You really should see a marriage counsellor. There has to be something of a free service around your area, or even something through your medical plan. And I like the idea of giving up the cell phones and cable so you can free up the money. You guys have been fighting about this for a long time, and haven't seemed to get anywhere, you need proffessional help! What's more important, cell phones and cable? or your family? And to a lot of people who have posted that he's done nothing wrong...a man who's making his wife uncomfortable is doing wrong to his wife. He should make her happy and secure. When we get jealous it's for a reason. When I started dating my husband years back, he was friends with his best friends girlfriend. He was nineteen and she was something like 16. They hung around a lot, but she was very flirty and I didn't like it really. I kind of knew she was honing in on him while still being his friend. Eventually, he and I started fighting about it as it was making me uncomfortable since I knew damn well he had jealousy issues when I was around my guys friends. In the end, they stopped hanging out, and shortly after that she cheated on her boyfriend(my husbands best friend). It reassured me knowing to follow my instincts. So yes, don't get on Vannessa for being jealous, now as mothers we have a lot of new wiring in our heads to help us and our children survive. Never doubt you instincts girl. You are a mom!

Nayuribe - posted on 02/16/2011

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well, thing is, why the hell is a 19 year old girl befriending a 33 year old married man?!?? would any of you done that at 19? with just the intention of being friends? 19 year olds befriend 19 year olds, period. sorry. i mean, I can't even be friends with my oldest sister's friends, and she's only 7 years older than me!!! so, WTH?!
your husband may not see it the same way though, i guess he just likes having a friend. if it were me, i would totally trust my husband, but not HER. and i would let him finnish the whole course, then he better not talk to her again!!! LOL

Jennifer - posted on 02/17/2011

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I know you said you couldn't afford counseling, but do you have another married couple that you are good friends with that could sit in as mediators. My husband and I did this for another married couple that were on the verge of divorce. The way we did it, was that the husband talked to me, so I could give him a different, calmer female perspective on things, and she talked to my husband, so that he could give her a different/calmer male perspective on things. Then, we all sat down together and had the rule that there would be no fighting/yelling, because once all that starts, the ears turn off, and noone really cares about what the other said. In the end with our friends, we were able to work through a lot of their issues. They said the part that helped the most was to have a married couple help, because we understood the demands of marriage and also the bond between husband and wife.

123 Comments

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Carol - posted on 03/01/2011

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Im so happy you guys worked it out. I have had problems with my husband but us girls have got to stick our invisable poles up their butts and have our flags flying high that say ' leave him alone or ill f&*k your s&*t up!' I like sharing, but some things (people) just shouldnt be shared.

Chels - posted on 03/01/2011

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Hi Hi! wow, you know, it seems like you hubby is a great guy! I only read your first post and your update and frankly, I think its admirable the way he has acted. The ridiculously wrong movies like "Hall Pass" out now, just encourage cheating and unreliability I feel. (i have only seen the trailer) If he really said all that stuff to that girl in the end, I think you have nothing to worry about. All the best :)

[deleted account]

Well.....the 19 yr old has crossed boundries in you marriage but both you and your husband have allowed it. The attention he is getting from this girl is soemthing that he needed appareantly. not to say that you dont but it is different. your husband has gotten caught up in it and cant see he has allowed it to got too far. The concert, you should have gone too. He should have come home right after. sitting in a car in a parking lot till 1am is not appropriate. you allowing this girl to watch your child with the feelings you have about her, not appropriate. why is your husband not trying to associate with other people in the class? your husband doesnt get the fact that she is his friend not "our friend" like the men you mentioned. You both are friends to them not her. if a man came along in your life like she has, i can promise he would have issues too. You need to sit down with this girl and husband and let them know how your feel about the relationship. If neither of them can respect your feelings than you have some decisions to make. Good Luck Vanessa!

Casey - posted on 02/28/2011

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Sounds like the 19 yr old has daddy issues and is looking to your hubby to provide whatever stability she was/is lacking from her own father figure. As your hubby has been forthcoming and has made no attempt to hide this friendship, I must ask what it is that is bothering you so greatly? Perhaps it is time to look closely in the mirror and see what it really going on in your heart and mind. Why are you so reluctant to trust your husband? Has he betrayed your trust in the past, and if not; have you perhaps violated some trust in the past and simply expect him to do the same? Are you perhaps threatened by the girl's youth; filled with the stereotypes of men in their thirties and forties all of a sudden leaving their wives for someone younger/thinner/more energetic/etc? This sounds very much like a self confidence issue within yourself. Talk with your man about the root of the issue, because I can guarantee it is not this younger girl. Then get to know this young woman. It sounds as though she is just looking for some support and wisdom from someone older. If there are no boundaries being crossed that threaten the stability of your own marriage, and your husband asserts (and indeed has proven) that there is no extra-marital affair happening, then what is the real issue?

Fiona - posted on 02/28/2011

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I really hate it when people think a man and a woman can't be friends, really good friends. Aren't all the wives friends with their husbands? How come you can't be friends with other people who are men? It's a very primitive instinct.

Leanne - posted on 02/25/2011

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That is great! I am glad he sees your issue with the thing and has taken the steps to correct it. Best of luck!

Vanessa - posted on 02/24/2011

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It seems the storm has passed.
After months of struggling my husband finally talked to his friend. This morning he received a text message from her inviting him to another concert. He called her and told her that if she wants to hang out outside of class she can't just invite him, but both of us because we are a married couple. He told her that they had a connection after 2 years of being buddies in class together and that it wasn't fair to me. He also explained to her that he had never thought there was a problem being friends with her because I had male friends of my own, but he realized that I had always made sure that he got to know them and became friends with them too and they (my male friends) view us as a unit and would never invite me out without asking him along too.
Apparently she also has trust issues and doesn't open to many people for fear of being judged. She was afraid to let her guard down around me because she thought I would make fun of her.
They are still going to be friends in class, but he told her that if she had something funny to share with him she could feel free to send it to me, because he would still get to see it but it wasn't right for her to send them to him. I am very optimistic about the future.

Andrea - posted on 02/24/2011

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I don't think you are being irrational. I don't want to put anything in your head but I started talking to a guy I knew in middle school and high school. He happened to be a cousin of a friend I had in school. My husband would get upset when I would text him or email him. My husband flat out told me that he didn't want me to talk to him so much and that he was scared of what could happen to our relationship. I told him everything was innocent (and it was) and even shared some texts. After a short time the friend would call while my husband was working and text me all the time. At first I was annoyed but then we became friends. Then I would stop by to chat after work. Then I'd go and stay longer until it finally it took a romantic turn. I wasn't even attracted to this person physically and mentally I think I'm on a different level (don't mean to sound rude). But I found something in him I didn't have in my husband which was communication and respect. He wanted me, respected me; I thought my husband didn't care and didn't love me. With my husband I felt alone and unattractive. With this man (I use the term loosely) he had liked me all through school and made me feel like I was pretty just like I was in high school. I was all caught up then I was confronted. I told the truth and I broke it off. My husband and I went to counseling. We are now better than ever. I regret the affair but I'm also kinda happy it did. We would have never have been through the worst to get to our best. I'm ashamed but I think its important to share my story so others will learn from it. I'm not perfect but my husband has forgiven me. He still checks up on me now and again but he's not going to find anything because I'm totally devoted to him.

User - posted on 02/23/2011

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i was thinking, for you i feel bad because ur scared, for your husband maybe he feels 19 again, not that he likes her, just likes to do what she does, but for her, she is 19, thats still young, maybe she sees him as a father figure, i admit it is an awkward relationship for you to be around, but dont always assume the worst.
but i must admit, altho your worried about her, you are very two-faced for letting her mind your children, if u dont trust her with your husband how could you leave her with ur children?

Suzanne - posted on 02/23/2011

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With what Erin said, I think it would be a bad idea for you to inteerogate her because if she does have an ulterior motive with your husband she will use it against you. We all know how bitchy women can be. And anyway, I think that it is between you and your husband. If you keep involving her, so will he....

Suzanne - posted on 02/23/2011

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First of all i would be upset about that too.
I Remember that my mother used to tell me that girls mature faster than men, so it could be a case of he's at the same maturity level as she is, thats why they have been able to conect. My partner is 7 years older than me. Another thing that comes to mind is, are you only upset because he is showing the other girl more attention. Does he know that you're not really jealous but feel a little left out and wish that he would interact with you the same. You said that your husband works alone, is it possible for you to help him out with the business while your daughter is at preschool. Unfortunately there may be something on her side of the friendship that he just doesn't realise. Women tend to be subtle and we all know that we have to obvious for the men to notice. Our womens instincts aren't always accurate but i think we know when to be cautious. Maybe you should stop reading his txt messages and FB messages. He needs to have a bit of privacy just like you and i think if you are trying to improve your relationship he needs to know that you trust him. Maybe the two of you need to do some fun things together. My patner and i dont get to spend much time together just the 2 of us anymore and it does put a strain on the relationship. Could the grandparents maybe look after your little one so you could go away for the weekend to spice things up. And as much as we want them to love us no matter what (1 thing i'm learning now) we should make an effort to look nice for him when he gets home from work, and look even better for when he comes home from the class so as soon as he sees you he forgets all about her :) Check out some of the comments theses ladies have said to stop them feeling fumpy

http://www.circleofmoms.com/stay-at-home...

You need to let him know how you feel without accusing him of anything. If he's anything like the men i know he will shut you out as soon as he hears you accusing him.

I hope you get some things useful to use from the advice you get here. Good luck.
Suzanne x

Jessica - posted on 02/22/2011

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i think you are worried that he is finding something in this girl that he is not finding in you. i think you are worried that she gives him something that you don't give him and their relationship is different or better some how. women do that, especially when we start families and get older and have more responsibilities and life isn't as carefree as it used to be... and suddenly, your husband found a girl that is they way you used to be and can't be anymore and is talking to her in a friendly manner. i can see why you would react the way you did. i have been in that situation as well. i would be very thankful that he is being open and honest with you. that is a great thing. i would also keep in mind that even though she is 19, she is an adult and your husband is not in the wrong by being friends with her just because of her age. you have to ask yourself, would you feel the same way if she was 60? would you have the same feelings? the same worries? probably not.



i don't really have any advice. i don't think you are being irrational but at the same time, i don't think you are being rational. i would act exactly the same way and feel the same way as you. it is hard when someone walks into our territory and offers our husband something better in some ways... it turns us into emotional messes no matter how it is handled. i feel for you. i hope you figure it out. i would for now, try to get some more me time and join a gym or something with some of your friends to take your mind off of it. it sounds temporary. i would not worry so much... but then again, that never worked for me either... so good luck.



maybe you should go back to school too? maybe you are upset that your husband has time away to do something to better himself and you aren't? maybe that is where some of the resentment is coming from. i would try to find more time for yourself to do the same thing, that might help.



just be thankful your husband is being so straight forward with you... most guys aren't. chances are they are only talking because they have the class in common. your husband is probably just striking up a friendship with her for something new to do. chances are the girl is not interested in him. i would still listen to your gut instincts though.

Jenny - posted on 02/22/2011

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Your reaction is completely normal and I think it's great he's been open and honest about everything.

I only have one thing to say!

You and your daughter should be the only women in his life.

Period.

I'm not saying her can't have friends but I feel it's a step beyond friendship where he or she knows it.

Davia - posted on 02/22/2011

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Trust me I can understand how you would feel in this situation. I will try to be very brief but as helpful as I possibly can. It would help if you would just in front of a professional or someone who is neutral about this situation. Fully esplain to him why you are uncomfortable about the situation. If possible let him see this too. It is inappropriate for a teenager or anyone of the opposite sex to ask out anyone who is married whether it is innocent or not without there spouse. Would he feel comfortable if some nineteen year old man were your school partner and he had a close relationship/freindship with you. The best help I can think of is if you know the Lord ask him for your help. If however you are not saved then I do believe you should get to know God for yourself. I too have struggled with feelings of insecurity and only God could help you out of the situations you are in in due time.

Amanda - posted on 02/22/2011

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I think you are fair in your concerns for sure, but i dont think she needs to have motives for you to be concerned. I trust my husband completely, but i have had situations i didnt feel comfortable with too. Its not about whether or not she wants to sleep with him or the other way around. its about not being comfortable with the friendship. i have been friends with the women i felt concerned about, and i had my reasons. I dont think you need to swear her off, but i think it needs to be understood between you and your husband and his friend that there are boundaries that have been crossed and you're not comfortable. If she is understanding and respecting, its win win, if she continues to message him all day, invite him out, etc. then i would question motives, or respect level for you. And then i think it would be apparent to your husband what you are worried about.

User - posted on 02/22/2011

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well im 20 years old, im not naive or stupid thank you very much.
i have a child with my partner, any one of my bestfriends is a man aged 40+
i have no sexual feelings or intentions with him.
we are just friends and have been for nearly 2 years, we text a lot, and facebook each other often, even go out clubbing occasionally with other mutual friends too.
just because im young doesnt automatically make me the type of girl to be a home wrecker or a slut, as im being labelled here. but my partner doesnt mind, he trusts me, he knows my friend, even drops me off to meet him etc, hes not a mug, he knows that i love him n im not gonna risk losing anything we have, for someone else, i would never even think of it! not at all!
vanessa, i understand that because shes young, you may feel a bit intimadated, but they are both doing right by you, eg not hiding from you. and i cant imagine the emotional destress it puts u threw, but you need to be with someone you trust.
its hard starting a new college without friends, i moved to australia, where i found my friend, and he was one of the first to say hello and befriend me, but because of my age, should i say nope its not right? when i had next to no other friends?

Karri - posted on 02/22/2011

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It is not okay for a man (or woman) to have a friend of the opposite sex that is not a friend of the couple. They should not be hanging out or spending time alone. I don't believe most affairs are started on purpose. They devolope over time as the friendship grows stronger and your relationship grows more and more strained. Soon they are turning to eachother for advice and start to feel like the other one understands them so well. Things are so much more easy with this other person because they don't share the stresses of everyday life. I would want this to stop immediatly and also begine working very hard on mending any damage that has been done to your family.

Heather - posted on 02/22/2011

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This is what I would do if it were me. Please be fair. Stop texting the male friend that you have and then ask him to do the same with this girl. Explain what you have done and that you want to remove even the opportunity for temptation. Explain that neither of you should act like you have a new girlfriend or boyfriend. Ask that he tell the girl his marriage is important and that he now wishes to communicate via email and not text. Give her an email address and say, "This is my wife's and my shared email address. Contact me this way please." Bet she slows down contact.

Meagan - posted on 02/22/2011

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hey there are already alot of comments on here and i didnt have time to read them all but i really wanted to tell you i went throught the same thing.. my husband and this girl were "just friends" and i honestly believe thats what she told him they were and thats what he thought they were but she had different plans i think its almost a game to some girls like she was so nice and babysat our kids too so we could do things and that just brought them closer together they would go toboganning, go to the movies, go shopping and i was left at home with the kids and then when my husband was in a different city for school he was lonely and we have 3 kids so its not like i can pack up and go for a roadtrip to go see him late at night but she did,,, and they slept together! And the whole time my gut told me get rid of her shes not what she seems i wish i would have listened to my gut and not been so nice. tell your husband not to ever talk to her again, i didnt and now its to late, my husband reasured me countless times they are just friends and that the constant texting and datenights were nothing and i felt guilty or bad that i was making it a big deal but it was a big deal, it was my life! My life which it totally all messed up 2 years later after this thing.. so i really wanted to tell you talk to HER tell her to get out of your life and to stay away from your husband,, yah it sounds kinda rude but you'll wish you would have said something after she seduces your husband, sorry but there is no reason why a 19 year old girl cant find someone her own age or someone single to confide in and do things with, girls like this are homewreckers and dont care about you or your kids they just do what they want to do my advice get rid of her and quick! Your husband may be confused because the situation seems really innocent to him hes not doing anything "wrong" but SHE will and its just all bad news, i hope the best for you and your family and i really hope this doesnt happen to you just keep you guard up and listen to your heart before anything else even your husbands reasurances..

Jessica - posted on 02/22/2011

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I really think the 19 yr old and your husband should stick to being school buddies. Not date night buddies. You don't talk to a married man about your relationship problems. You don't take a married man to a concert till 1 am and not invite his wife. Sure your husband can have friends that are females. But i don't know about young females that are 19. Would your husband feel comfortable about a 19 yr old male taking you out? Or textin you? Probably not.

Sarah - posted on 02/22/2011

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I think you may be over reacting. Unless something has happened in the past that may stir up old things.... I mean I was 19 not to long ago and I befriended older married guys... Believe it or not she may want to be his friend BECAUSE he's married and she doesn't have to worry about another guy trying to get in her pants... Or it could be the total opposite. It's hard to say unless for some reason there is something not being told here. Hell I still have older guy friends. If he's being up front and honest with you about everything (like you are saying he is) then just relax... If school is almost over anyways, and he thinks they will lose touch, then just let it happen. And just so you know they may not lose touch right away. That's one of those things that dwindle with time. She will start going out with her age group again probably then. But in all honesty... I like hanging out with older guys most the time because they don't act as stupid lol. Maybe she's just sick of that and actually wants a guy friend and that's it.... Either way... good luck

Rami - posted on 02/22/2011

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your sad & depressed because he's enthusiastic about another woman instead of you. He's sharing funny texts with her instead of you & doesn't include you unless you ask. There's a void there that he's letting her fill instead of you & you can feel it that's why it's eating at you. Tell him exactly how you feel. A 19 year old shouldn't be so consumed with a 33 year old man, she should be consumed with other 19 year olds. Just sayin...

Jessica - posted on 02/22/2011

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married people should not! should NOT! Be "friends" or "hang out" alone with single people of the opposite sex. It just leaves too many questions and not enough answers!

Anne - posted on 02/22/2011

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I have been in a situation like that with my husband. And I have to tell you that although you know your being unrational jealousy is one of those things that shows up for no reason what so ever.... On that note though you have to ask yourself, is he doing anything with this girl that her doesn't do with other friends, do they talk differently, that kind of thing. I`m not saying he`s cheating or will cheat, He seems to be giving you everything you ask for but there is such a thing as a emotional relationship.. My hubby had one a few years ago with a good friend of ours, They work together and spent alot of time together and it was hard for me to have free time as we have 2 kids and at the time our youngest was still a baby. It started out that he would talk to her about some issues we were having (for advice) as new baby means more stress and worked its way to he was telling her what he was getting me for holidays and what not or buying her stuff and I didn't know till I saw it threw the bank transactions (nothing expensive just flowers and chocolate). In the end I told him how I was feeling about the relationship and how it seemed to me that he was in one with her and I was just his woman on the side. He got help for a while to deal with it and we`re still friends with her. I think it would help you to sit down with him and explain how you feel and explain what you think is going on and your worries and ask the hard questions that you might not want to know the answers to. It doesnt seem like he would do anything with her but these are things you need to ask. I hope this helps if for nothing else to help get ride of some of your depression and jealousy. good luck!

Jami Aka JamiQuan - posted on 02/21/2011

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I am going to suggest a few books. I think they will really help. You can find them at your library, ebay, amazon. I am suggesting them in the ORDER I think they should be read.
1st. For Women only.
2nd His needs Her needs
3rd The 5 love languages
4th How to survive an affair (this is an emotional affair in my opinion)
I understand where you are and my situation got worse. PLEASE find help. Read those books if you can not afford therapy please help your marriage survive because you are damaging it by fighting further and it is already damaged that is why your husband is seeking attention from this young girl. Additionally this is an inappropriate relationship and there is NOTHING wrong with your feelings of unease they are warranted! Listen to yourself!

READ Them PLEASE!!!

Leanne - posted on 02/21/2011

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In any relationship (friendship or otherwise) each person gains some benefit. In this case, it seems like your husband gained a friend and someone to keep him company during school, so my question is, what did she gain? I would not like my husband texting any other female - period. If they are texting back and forth constantly I am sure she is aware of your relationship issues and your insecurity of their relationship. A scandalous woman will use that to get closer to her target. The problems between yourself and your husband could push the two of them closer together. I trust my husband but do not trust other women, especially ones that will try forming relationships with him as a married father of two. I say if it does not feel right, then it isn't. Even if nothing sexual is going on, if you are not comfortable then that is all that matters.

Meagan - posted on 02/21/2011

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my husband and I had a similar situation a while ago. I had a male friend and we used to go running and kayaking together all the time,my husband knew about every time we hung out ad talked on the phone I showed him every message and hid nothing from him; it still bothered him. No matter what i tried to do to make him feel comfertable about my friendship with another male he was still unhappy about it. My husband and his feeling are more important to me, so i cut ties with my friend and got closer to my husband. My husband stepped up and filled the needs that my friend was filling. If our roles were reversed I would want my husband to do the same out of respect for me even if nothing is going on. I dont think your being irrational, he should be able to find friends his own age and of the same sex; and out of respect for you he should cut ties with that girl

Jennifer - posted on 02/21/2011

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All I know is the more you put strain on someone about something they might not even be doing, the more they might be stressed into eventually doing it. If he was not so willing to do the things you wanted him to do like fessing up the texts and spending less time with her I would be worried, but he has. If he is acting stupid you can deal with it when the time comes, but I would not continue to let yourself feel like he is doing something that he might not be. I am younger than you and only have been with my significant other for 7 years and we have a son, but I figure if the time comes that he might not want to be with me anymore, I will be fine because people may change over time, but I refuse to let myself get caught up with my insecurities because in the end, they could be the reason our relationship has failed, and not him doing something he shouldn't be. I suggest you try telling him that you are uncomfortable with the relationship, but put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he had felt, or said things to you like you have him for the past few months? Divorce is a nasty thing, and it sounds like you guys do not need it, you're just in a tough spot. Don't be hasty and do not bring up divorce unless it is something you want to do, not something you feel you should do because you're uncomfortable with his friendship with this girl. You can not stop bad things from happening, but if you continue to put so much energy and effort into this feelings you are having, bad things are prone to happen because of it. My boyfriend is friends with two of his exes still and they are a lot thinner, and prettier in my opinion and do not have the marks of motherhood as I do, so it makes me a little uncomfortable, but he is in my bed at night, and when I wake up, and I can tell by the way he looks at me and our son that his only interest is here at home. Trust is a big part of any successful relationship and unless you catch them in the act of doing something wrong, I suggest you ease up a little even if it sucks (which it does I know) because if you guys continue to fight about something you just think is happening, you are going to push him away. No one wants to be with someone who does not trust them, whether they are male or female, I would hate it if my boyfriend thought I was doing something I wasn't, it would kill me, so imagine how he is feeling right now. Life is not just about having a good relationship with your wife/husband and your kids, you need good friends (of both sexes) and family around you to be successful and happy, you should be a little grateful that this girl made him feel comfortable in class, that means she is a part of his success, and if you have trusted her to watch your daughter, it sounds like you don't even dislike her, it sounds like you're just feeling a little insecure which is normal, extremely normal after a long relationship or an addition of a baby. Just relax, apologize for seeming so frantic but you were a little insecure, tell him you love him and how much he means to you, and give him back his privacy, he has already shown you there is nothing in the text messages, and threatening or bringing up a divorce is not the way to go about fixing your relationship, if that is what you want to do, just give him your trust back and tell him you love him, and see what happens from there. I really hope things work out, and if he does slip up ever I'll be the first in line to help you kick his ass, but until then, relax and breathe.. take life one day at a time and don't get ahead of yourself. Let me know how things are going if you decide to take my advice.

Brenda - posted on 02/21/2011

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Wow, that is a very sticky situation. Let me begin by asking if your husband and you are Christians. I am a Christian, so my viewpoint is obviously a Christian one. A pastor once said that adultery is anything or anybody that takes time and attention that should be going to your spouse. It sounds to me that you are very troubled by this and although your husband may not see it as a problem, it really is. I'm not saying your husband is committing adultery; I'm just saying that if this is so upsetting to you and your marriage, it needs to stop. If he has to drop the class and lose the money, so be it. In my opinion, it would be best to stop all communication with this young lady. It may all be innocent enough, but you are fighting, you're sad and depressed, it is causing issues, etc... I don't want to see your marriage ending and your child become a victim of divorce when it could all be prevented. I'm not sure if this helps or not, but I'd be willing to discuss this more with both of you. I've also always gone by this: Let nothing even give the appearance of evil. He should not have gone to the concert with her without you. It just doesn't look right. Again, I'm not accusing your husband or this girl of wrong-doing, but I would definitely advise you talk calmly about this and seek more help if needed. I'll be praying for you.

Lindsey - posted on 02/21/2011

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This is a tricky one. He has shown you honesty which I think you should trust. Taking the time to get to know you shows she has respect for you. You may be blowing this up. You appear to be his priority and he may be defending it bc there really is nothing to worry about. Especially if he is remaining open with you about their relationship. It sounds like he started taking these classes to bring the two of you closer to begin with. It is normal to feel suspicious but if you are this worried you must have had issues prior to this girl. In my opinion he has passed all the tests and so has she. Not all men cheat... but accusing him when he's doing nothing wrong may push him away. Tough call.. but be careful making threats bc one day you may have to follow through on them so be sure it's what you actually want. Most 19 yr old girls don't really want a man with kids. And he is more than likely more satisfied with the mature woman you are so live up to his expectations of you as well. Doesn't sound like this one is worth your marriage.

Toni - posted on 02/21/2011

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I cannot say that I would be comfortable with that either, but if he is willing to let you read the messages and she comes over while youare there, maybe is more of a brother/sister relationship. Maybe she doesn't have an older brother, and looks to him to be that, and vice versa. I Do not know if either of them have siblings, but that is what it sounds like to me.

Melanie - posted on 02/21/2011

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I think you might be a little insecure if he lets you read his texts and messages on facebook then he's not hiding anything from you. But also talk rationally to him about your feelings. Don't be accusatory or make him feel like your attacking him. I know when I was that age I felt more comfortable friending guys than girls they are less judgemental and catty and sometimes its easier. Also it seems as if you've gotten to know her as well maybe not as well as your husband maybe have her over more often and get to know her better also. If you really feel that this is something that you can't deal with then sit down and talk about it. Someone said trust your instincts which is true but don't make threats to get your way and don't accuse unless you have hard evidence because it will just make him feel defensive and you will get no where. Go out to dinner so your kids aren't there to hear or see anything and that way you will also be in public so things won't get to heated and have a rational talk use phrases like "i feel" tht way he's not feeling attacked

Sarah - posted on 02/21/2011

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I don't think you are being in any way irrational. If this is bothering you that much then your gut is never wrong, and if he loves you he will respect the fact that the whole situation is a disaster in the making and stop. Also, you should have a conversation with her. Yes it will be uncomfortable but she needs to understand that her actions are causing you pain. Her reaction will be a huge indication of the reality of the situation. If she apologizes and backs off then you know she was just getting carried away and there really is nothing going on; however, if she becomes defensive then you know that her motives may be less then appropriate. You have every right as his wife to initiate a conversation with her but that's not the same as accusing her remember. If she want's to be an adult and hang out with adults then she needs to be able to have an adult conversation about a very important matter.

With that said I have to come out and admit this...at one point in my life I was that nineteen year old girl...only he didn't have any kids (not that that really changes anything) and he was my boss.
Those texts may seem harmless to you, but they are something much worse than if he was sexting with her. Also, there is a possibility that he may be deleting some before you read them. Anyway, they are the furthest thing from harmless because it shows that they have more than a sexual connection and she is probably falling for him. An emotional affair is not something to mess around with. My boss and I ended up "in love" and luckily I snapped out of it, but I think they ended up divorced after I stopped contact because she found out and he couldn't let go.

Like I said before, try and talk to her. Don't accuse her but casually bring it up and see how she reacts. And if you still have a bad feeling, then your husband needs to have a lot more respect for your relationship and choose his friends more carefully. There is a very fine line holding us all back from "it was an accident, I didn't mean too...I'm sorry...etc".
Good Luck and I really do hope that it's just an unusual friendship...but never ignore your gut!!

Nisa - posted on 02/21/2011

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He is a married man, he. May not cheat but the temptation is there he should know that if you are uncomfortable with the situation then he should stop texting her and you should do the same with your friend....marriage is more important for your child and your relationship with your husband

Leslie - posted on 02/21/2011

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It needs to stop! The relationship between your (married) husband and (single) 19 year old kid! Its inappropriate, and will... WILL lead to him stepping out on you emotionally (which he will harbor resentment towards you for) or will cross the line physically! This WILL result weather you have complete trust in him and his commitment to his marriage, that will all go out the window if he establishes a relationship with this young lady and there is an attraction, sparks will fly, etc. This is the reality of the matter, he is seeking affection/attention from her and she is giving it to him!
I speak from experience on this matter, my husband had me and my family in the exact situation, however, my husband was more adamant and angry about not being able to hang out with this young lady. He had met this girl at Myrtle Beach; she was having issues with her ex-boyfriend and was giving my husband the attention and affection that made him feel good. A lot more to the story than this wicked girl and deviant husband, I played my role as the angry bitter ignored house wife which contributed to problem. I trusted my husband completely, we survived 2 year long deployments, 8 years of marriage and I never thought he would throw his family away for some girl he had only known for a few days. He had actually thought about leaving us for this girl, because he found her attractive and sensual (what he told my best friends husband in better words).
Bottom line, he made a commitment to you to be faithful, and hanging out, calling, texting this girl is emotional indiscretion, cheating emotionally which will again lead to only 3 possible outcomes. 1- resentment, he will fall in love with her, in love with the way she makes him feel, or be obsessed with lust of her and will never act on it, but resent you for not being able to act on it. 2. He will act on it, he will physically cross the line with this young single lady, and you can only imagine the rest to follow. 3. You can bring him back to his reality, where he has a wife and child, obligations and commitment where he wouldn't expect you to jeopardize it, so shouldn't he; where he'll understand the relationship with a married man and a single extremely young lady in all in all inappropriate and will do nothing but wreck your family.
At the same time, you need to play by the same rules. That man you were texting for 6 months, it needs to stop, esp. if he is single. It is inappropriate and not healthy for your marriage. You may need to find friends who are couples, or married friends to text and hang out with, not saying that is fool proof but its not begging for indiscretions to occur, like handing out with an individual of the opposite sex who is single!
Counseling may be a good course of action as well just to get you both back on track. You need to really sit down and think if you want to save your marriage, and if you do, and your husband does take action, eliminate the temptation and work on each other, providing that personal internal gratification that will keep the both of you fulfilled emotionally and physically for the duration of your marriage.
I wish you all the best, its been almost 1 year since my husbands emotional indiscretion, and its been extremely difficult to move on, but every day we take another step! Best to you and your family

Jennifer - posted on 02/21/2011

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Oh, and you should stop texting his friend; he may trust you, but may not trust his friend around you!

Jennifer - posted on 02/21/2011

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I would ease up a LOT! It is clear that you are jealous and possessive. Really, listen to me, please. The fact that you are pulling the divorce card so quick does not speak well of you! Your lack of self-esteem is showing. The fact that he has been honest with you and respects your wishes about his behavior is a testament to his fidelity, but if you are acting the way you are, you are PUSHING him in her direction! So, here's my advice to you: tell him what is REALLY bugging you; she is younger and possibly cuter than you, and he is older, married and more mature than she is, and that worries you sick, because he may not see an attraction forming, until it is too late. Then drop it. And PLEASE go see a psychiatrist about your self-esteem!

Hayley - posted on 02/20/2011

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Just because he is showing you texts, telling you where he's going and appearing to be very honest and open about this friendship doesn't mean that he has nothing to hide. You've heard the saying "hiding in plain sight" Thats exactly what my partner did to me. He thought by showing me messages, taking the odd call in front of me, bringing her over, telling me that me and her should go out cause we'd get along so well etc etc would hide the fact that they had been sleeping together for over a year and that if he bombarded me with her that I couldn't possibly suspect because he was giving the impression that he had nothing to hide. Its a perfect way of hiding an affair.

Janet - posted on 02/20/2011

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Set some boundries based on what you are comfortable with, no matter how irrational or petty those comfort zones may seem, and live your life. Your husband sounds like he would have never let this girl in y'all's life if you would not have green lighted it in the first place. Meaning, he would have accepted your boundries...regardless of their rationality. And no, I would not have a 19 year old girl be my hubbies buddy. It is a boundry that I set that he is okay with. If I chose to be buds with a guy, he is allowed to set his own boundries. Mutual respect. Can you tell him enough is enough and to cut this girl out of your/his life? Will he respect that at this late stage?

Laura - posted on 02/20/2011

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I Agree with Jane Marenghi..though i dont think all 19 yr. olds are inmature, I got married at 19, we're not allowed to have opposite sex friends. we have each other shouldnt need anybody else. We are married, we should be totally comfortable around each other.

Melody - posted on 02/20/2011

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Any time a married person chooses the friend over the spouse, knows that it bothers the spouse, and is not in a sick, "I'm going to control every single one of your friends" manner, there is going to be a problem. I know that the world says that we should have close friends of the opposite sex, but herein lies the trouble. It is not appropriate to have an emotional intimate relationship with someone that comes between a husband and a wife. This is how affairs happen. One spouse gets emotionally involved with someone who at first starts off as a friend and then becomes a great listener because the spouse is upset about the "we're just friends relationship", pretty soon they are hopping in bed because they "Understand" each other. If you don't set yourself up with these inappropriate relationships in the first place, you can circumvent these types of problems. If you think I am being paranoid, just look at the statistics for affairs. They ALL start with getting emotionally involved with "Just a friend".
You are not wrong in wanting this relationship to end. I agree with whoever said you should at all sacrifice, go and see a marriage counselor. Many churches have someone on staff that can guide you in the right direction for little to no cost. I don't know of any pastor that would charge to help a marriage stay together. However with that said, stop pestering him and go and read the book Love and Respect, most libraries will have a copy. Your pestering him will cause big problems.
Calmly tell him how you feel and use lots of this is how I feel when this happens. Stop pointing fingers at him and take responsibility for keeping it together and not driving him into another person seeking intimacy and support. Be the wife he choose when he married you. Oh, and lots of prayer won't hurt at all.

Amy - posted on 02/20/2011

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If you are unconfortable with it just expline that to him. You should try to get to know her with out your husband and be friend her your self. Also I would ask that he does not spend to much time alone with her. I don't see too much wrong but if he is willing to out by him self with her when he is married for more then working on a project then I would be a bit nerve reacked my self. A group may be but not alone together. As for most of it he does not seem to be hiding any thing from you and that he is willing to let you read messages is a good indacation that he wants to help you be confortable. It can be irratating becasue even though you have read them you still don't trust him. I would trust him until something else suspios comes up again.

April - posted on 02/20/2011

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If you're uncomfortable with it, it needs to stop. If he is uncomfortable with YOUR relationship with the male friend, IT needs to stop as well. You just don't DO things that tear each other apart. Even if it is innocent.

Crystie - posted on 02/20/2011

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personally, I don't think married people should put themselves into situations where they COULD be tempted. It's easy for all of us to say "I would never....." but it happens all the time so the best bet is not to allow yourself to be in that situation in the first place.

[deleted account]

Given the right circumstances, Everybody is capable of cheating. So yeah, it's correct to keep your guard up. The good news is that people only keep secrets if they have something to hide. And your guy doesn't seem to be keeping secrets so he probably isn't trying to get away with anything. But since there's no way to know that he tells you everything and hormones are what they are, just continue to make your boundaries known and he'll more than likely continue to work within them. And as long as he does, relax a little. It says A Lot that he's willing to work within what you can live with. I think you two will be fine.

[deleted account]

I would explain to your husband. Its not just your fear of lossing him, but like having her over when your not home....talk about a lawsuit waiting to happen. She could blame him for things he wouldnt do in a million yrs! Id talk to him about that!

Sarah - posted on 02/20/2011

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Try to communicate how you feel calmly at times when you have plenty of time to talk to him about this. It can be a little unsettling when your spouse has friends of the opposite sex but it sounds like they are just friends. Does she always come over to you guy's place? They never go to her place right? It sounds like your husband is trying to respect your feelings. If they were trying to hide something there would be excuses about why studying had to happen away from your presence.
Let me ask a question that may not have crossed your mind. How much "couple" time do you two get together? The jealousy could stem from the fact that, whether the relationship is innocent or not, you feel more of his time and thoughts go to her instead of you. If that is the case let him calmly know that. Maybe date night a bit more frequently would help.
Also something I've learned, from being with the same man for 12 years, is they really do have situational friendships. He may very well lose touch with her once the classes are over. My husband has had plenty of friends like that over the years.
You are right about the late night at the concert. He should have called. That is one of the first things my hubby's friends ask when they are staying out late, (we don't have a cellphone), is "do you need to call Sarah?" Though I sometimes have jealousy issues myself, I realized it was about the time these other people were getting with my husband, not the relationship.
Maybe she could babysit for you guys a bit more. If everything went okay last time. Then you would associate her a bit more with good things than bad, as well as getting time to be romanced by the hubby and for you to romance him.
Calm communication is the key. Men tend to shut down when we get emotional. Good luck & don't give up! It sounds like he really loves you!

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