What do after the fact........

Melissa - posted on 02/16/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Last year my husband was working out of state, and had been for about six months. He would work for 7 days then be home for seven days. Because we have four children, and our youngest is on the autism spectrum we were arguing alot because I felt overwhelmed and stressed out. I just wanted him to find work at home and be with us, and to help my son with autism who had regressed and was having a really tough time. December 2010 he began an affair with a nurse he was working with, and they slept together. Around this time I was diagnosed with cancer, and learned I needed surgery. I found out in February 2011 and confronted him about it. Ultimately he came home but initially told me they did not sleep together. In June I found out he had indeed lied and that they had slept together. So she is also in a relationship as well and never told her signifigant other about the affair, and I'm still struggling to cope with it. I think her signifigant other should know about it, she slept with my husband in the very bed she shares with her signifigant other. Should I write him and tell him. This woman, knew one, our situation with my son who has autism and was also aware that I was fighting cancer while she was with my husband and still they continued their relationship. All the times I needed a hand or a hug, he was with her. I went through all the testing diagnosis, prognosis and treatment almost completely on my own, except with the help of my father. I have suffered and she got off with no trouble and no consequence and this really angers me, what do I do?

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Jenni - posted on 02/16/2012

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I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. You are very understandably hurt right now and want some sort of revenge. But I think you should be putting your energy into repairing your own relationship if that is what you're choosing to do. Have you been to couple's counselling? I think this is very important if you want to work through this betrayal and save your marriage.



Concentrating on her and her life is just a distraction from dealing with the real issues in your own marriage.

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As for telling the partner of the other woman, I vote no. That is hers to deal with.



As for your thoughts on the matter, no one here is going to be able to help you through them, that is something only your doctor, you, and your husband can work through. Adultery is not an issue that you can just address and move on, so don't expect that, but if you and he put forth the effort with a good doctor/therapist, your marriage can survive.



Therapy is painful. It will be painful for you and him both, and it will take a while, you are not going to have a perfect marriage in 8 or 10 months, but if you stick with it the results, long term, are well worth the effort.

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Melissa - posted on 02/18/2012

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Yeah, I suppose in looking at it, it is her guilt to carry around. And if she has no guilt over the issue and what she did, that speaks for her charater as a person. Which isn't very much. I could never and would never imagine doing that with anyone outside of my marriage, none the less someone elses husband. Especially knowing, that the wife, is fighting cancer, they have four children and one has special needs. I guess in the end it's her karma. Thanks for all great advice :-)

Jocelyn - posted on 02/17/2012

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http://www.mynewday.tv/



You should check out this story of a couple, Bob & Audrey, who went through the same thing. Yet it was a Audrey who had the affair and she ended up pregnant! They have an amazing story of how their marriage survived...There is hope, though it may be hard!

Melissa - posted on 02/17/2012

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I mean we were suppose to be working things out, until I found out the they had in fact slept together. Even after many times he had lied and insisted they hadn't. But my gut told me differently. I love him so much, my kids love him so much. But everytime I think I want to be with him or want to be intimate, all I can think is, he was with another woman. Did he touch her the way he touches me? Did he kiss her the way he kisses me, did he even stop to think for a second about us and our children, all of those things. I cannot ever get it out of my head that he was intimate with another woman....... it's literally affecting everything about my thought process towards him.

Jocelyn - posted on 02/16/2012

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I agree...I think you have every right to be very upset with him and her...



Are you and your husband working things out? Though it's easier said than done you have to let her make her choices and within yourself focus on you and your husband.



Many times it can destroy us to focus on others. And it won't stop with "it" coming out and her suffering like you It will then be to find out more of what's going on, and carry on to something else. It doesn't stop with the first step. It's a downward spiral...



If you let it go now you can be free of whatever happens to her and be totally free and happy with happens with you and your husband! Good luck mom!

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