What do I do??

Marieli - posted on 04/05/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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So I've been accusing (suspecting) my husband of trying to cheat on me with other women for several months now this all started because I checked his emails and found an email from a women telling him that they were going to have fun and that he couldnt wait to see her. I confronted him about it and he completely denied it. Ever since then if found text messages from him and different people having a very intament conversations (like "can you send me a picture of yourself and I really want to see you and I miss you"). He also sends them pictures of himself. I have always caught him doing stupid stuff and he always just denies it and just yells at me and tells me that Im crazy and that I dont deserve him because I accuse him of horrible things and that he would never EVER think about cheating on me. I wanted to believe him and I did start to believe him but something always stopped me. He doesnt think that the "friendship" he has with other women is wrong and that he sees nothing wrong with him asking other women for their picture and flirting with them. Recently I found and email from him and a women (prostitute) talking about the prices of her services and what he wanted her to do to him. I printed the email out and before I gave it to him he already knew what I was going to say. He just said he was sorry and that he wasnt going to actually do it and that he just wanted to see if women were interested in him. I was so mad because acouple days before that he had seen his son for the first time at my ultrasound appointment. He then told me that he needed help (Sex Addict). He always fantasizes about women he sees on tv and on the street and I know every guy likes to do that once in awhile but he does that 24/7 to the point where he just seems like a pervert and it ends up hurting me because I feel like he compares me to them 24/7 and I dont have the same body as them because of course Im expecting. I dont know what to do with him anymore. He then told me that he is going to go to school in Sacramento,CA for 48 weeks a 1 1/2 month after our son is born and Im going to stay here with the baby in San Diego,CA. I dont trust him enought to let him go by himself and I just think it's BS that he is going to school when we dont have any money. How the heck am I suppose to raise a baby with the money Im making while he is in Sacramento. I want him to go to school but I was hoping he would go next year when Im able to work full time and when we have saved enough money. I cant trust him but I love him. What can I do to make this marriage work or should I just call it quits because obviously he doesnt want to be with me because of the way he is behaving. Im tired of him acting so perverted and not thinking about our son and me as "WE" and not just him but I dont want to give up because my son deserves to have loving parents. What should I do??

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Katie - posted on 04/05/2010

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Well here's my view on this bc i was in a similar position before myself. U need to cut ur losses now instead of later. Trust me i stayed w/my EX-husband for 4 yrs putting up w/shit just like that. I have 3 kids by him and it never made a difference. We weren't married 8 months before he cheated on me and it wasn't bc he wasn't gettin any at home either. I was able to prove it right after i had our 1st child together. I decided i took my vows seriously and gave him the benefit of the doubt that he wouldn't do it again and for about,but i was wrong. That was in may of 02 and by feb of 03 he cheated the 2nd time and then cheated the 3rd time a few months after that. I caught him and had proof every time and he still tried to deny it. Its not easy raising 1 child on ur own but if i can raise 4 on my own u can raise 1. Its gonna be hard and exhusting but it can be done. U have to believe in urself and that u can do it and that U DESERVE BETTER THAN HIM. Ur right ur son does deserve loving parents but he's not gonna be there for him. He's not there now and he's not gonna be there later. Trust me...been there, done that. And u know what going through all i have has made me a better and stronger person. But if i can save someone else from going through what i have i try to. And now i'll be happily married to my 2nd husband 2yrs in May. He loves all my boys and me and has no issue accepting my children as his. U and your son deserve to find the same thing. I hope i've helped, even though i know i probably didn't tell u what u wanted to hear. I'm willing to chat or talk about it more anytime. :o)

Gina - posted on 04/07/2010

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Sex addict or not,you have the evidence that he's not being faithful! Drop him like a bad habit and move on ,no matter how difficult it might be to do. One calm,happier parent is much better then 2 that are filled with anger,stress and fighting all the time! A bad home life makes for rotten,troubled kids,and who knows,you could always get child support out of dad. I knew before i even finished your first sentece that he was/is cheating and that you and your son are way better off without that in your life.

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April - posted on 04/09/2010

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You deserve to be treated like a Goddess, don't stay with a guy you can't trust.

[deleted account]

there is alot of information on sexual addiction out there, see my previous post and contact me if you need more help, coleen

Brittnii - posted on 04/09/2010

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wow hun im in the same boat. ive found convos and shit with my hubby and other girls and he does the same thing...i honestly dont know how to help you because im going through the same thing :( if u ever need to talk just add me id be more than happy to talk about problems...

[deleted account]

I know alot about sexual addiction because I have lived with it for my entire marriage, actually life. It is a fact that people can be addicted to sex and perversion, in fact it pretty much rules the world right now. Being addicted to sex is far more addictive than being addicted to coccaine. The endorphines produced in the brain during these times are soooooo strong that the addict just continually needs more and more. Thus a downward spiral in their lives. It starts with simple masterbation (beginning in childhood), then some porn, strip clubs, then some flirting or an emotional affair, then the acting out with an affair or prostitutes. It is a true cycle, they act out, they feel guilty, they blame us, we defend and point the finger back at them, they act out to get even or because they have a right, it is a vicious circle.



I did the dance for 27 years. I stayed for my 2 sons, now 13 and 10, I hated myself, I hated him,and I hated my life, I wanted to die.



I am currently separated ( 2 years) from my husband of 20 years, we have been through it all including finacially too. and he usually blamed me for all of this or he had a right, everyone does it. blah blah blah....I accepted it until 5 years ago when I was saved by Jesus, he came into my life and gave me hope. It still took me 3 years to leave.



God also put a woman in my life who started a group for women of husbands with sexual addictions called For Women Only, her husband has a mens ministry called Josephs Walk. They personally have been through it all. He was addicted to sex and meets every week with 20-30 men to support their change by becoming more like men of God than men like the world. Our womens group meets bi-weekly 5-12 of us to support each other and learn to be Christ like and supportive to husbands who work to change and those who do not, we try to help the women love themselves in spite of what is happening and give them the courage to make the best choices for themselves and their families.



I finally chose to leave for my boys, I stayed for them and then I left for them. Someone who is addicted to anything is not a nice person to be around let alone a sexual addiction. The likelyhood that your child will be like this increases greatly if he lives with it. Men addicted have poor memories, have anger issue, narsasitic behaviors, it destroys their brains. you name a psychopathy and they probably have it. and it flows to you. This is satans best weapon against the world. The world thrives on sex. It is on our t.v.s, internet, advertisment, socially acceptable, and it destroys, people, marriages, families and it continues generationally.



some basic facts are: Most children are exposed to pornography at the average age of 8, sad. Pornography is socially acceptable and often encouraged. Pornography leads to sexual addiction. Over 70% are addicted, both men and women, and the most important fact is IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.



I was 107lbs before I was married, I was devoted my life to him, we had only his friends, his idea of fun, my life and desires were really not important, I took care of him, cleaned his house, and even spoiled him with things, then I discover my husband was seeing someone on the side and I called off the wedding only 2 months before, within a month I was back, 1) because I wanted my wedding, 2) because I had no self confidence, 3) because I loved him, or so I thought. I even believed that the porn and such was normal and accepted that I was the problem. I was everything he wanted and it was not enough. This addiction has nothing to do with you. Though he will blame you. The only way they can live with themselves is to blame others.



I believe no one gets out of this addiction without the help of Jesus. Not even you, seek Him (Jesus) and others who support you and set a boundary of what you will live with, maybe your husband wants to change, and maybe (like my husband) he doesnt. You cannot change him. He has to want to change and do the work himself.



I have read many books and internet advice on this, alot is available for those who need help.

Some books are:

Boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage, not sure of the author.

Love Must Be Tough, by James Dobson,

An Affair of the Mind, not sure of the author.

websites:

A Womans Healing Journey, she has a book too

Josephs walk

Stop the hurt-for women only

xxxchurch



there are many more and I can get you alot of info if you want it. These might link you elsewhere.



Please, do not let yourself stay in this trap. You have too much value to be dragged down into this. It will not get better, it will only get worse. Do it for your child. At least get out. Then heal yourself



I know this is scary, it took me a long time and until I had a secure foundation of others who believe in me and support, I couldnt do it. it will be hard. The boundaries book talks about this. and I know it to be true in my life.



Please contact me if I can help and support you, you will need it.



Many blessing will come your way when you free yourself from this lifestyle.



Praying for you and all others trapped in this, coleen

Gaby - posted on 04/07/2010

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You also mentioned other things that show he's not interested in keeping a loving marriage going: screaming at you, calling you crazy, etc that is totally aside from the lying, deceiving, and it sounds like he's trying to somehow make you feel guilty about yourself at the same time. Sure, he might need to study, let's see how well he can do that and pay child support at the same time, at least, you'd have that covered if you can...

Cherie - posted on 04/07/2010

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Sex addict he needs Christ in his life, he is letting the devil rule his life, would not trust him!

Janina - posted on 04/07/2010

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this is sad :( i really feel for you! but... i think you know in your heart that something is up! i would honestly get out of there, you deserve a man who has eyes only for you and doesnt fantasise about other women or flirt with them, wanting their photos! nope, i would be out of there. mind you, its easier said then done isnt it?!! but for your well being, i would leave. and dont wait until you find more things and get hurt even more than you are now!!!. all the best!!

Steffanie - posted on 04/06/2010

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I was with a man similar to what you explained. I would confront him with evidence that he was cheating on me, and he would tell me I was crazy, and a psycho bitch... Blah Blah blah... He was cheating on me, and had another relationship with someone else, and got them pregnant... He also allow one of his sluts to come to my home and make a scene with our children present. I even found evidence that when he was screwing a 16 year old when he was twenty three... Gross huh? Unless you want to deal with the lies, manipulations, the drama, and the heartache of a lying, cheating, selfish man... Than stay, and he will end up breaking your heart, and probally giving you a sexually transmitted disease, and if he is a selfish as you explained... Than he isn't going to be that much of a dad anyway. Women that cheats with someone like that is usually a low life, which enjoys causing drama, and throwing it in your face that she/he is doing your man.... I went through that pregnant, and stupidly, like you thought I should try to make it work for the children... Well, two kids later, I was a single parent, with no help from him.... His priority should be for you and your coming baby. Not that your getting fat because your pregnant! Maybe he does have a sex addiction problem, but what is he doing to get help for it? Why would he want to leave you when your pregnant with your child? What do you think he is going to be doing while he is gone? Getting laid as much as possible. He should be at home supporting you, his lazy butt should be working to support you, not the other way around. Cut your losses, divorce his cheating, selfish butt, and raise your baby in peace. Go for child support, (not that you will get all that much.) It is hard being a single parent, but even if you stay married to him, you will still be the responsible parent, while he is out getting tail... Ignoring you, lying to you, and causing drama and heartache. That is all men like that do... Move close to your parents, or relatives and friends that will be supportive, and move on with your life. I was married to another jerk, but now I finally found a wonderful man who treat me like a princess. With time your heart will heal, and maybe you will hook up with a single dad, and can help each other out. Leave with your dignity and self respect, because if you stay married to that jerk you will loose both, and still end up divorce when you finally become wise to his cheating selfish ways.

Carolee - posted on 04/06/2010

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Yes, your son deserves to have loving parents. He will have a loving mother, and you can go out and find a loving father, because it's obviously not going to be this guy! Kick him to the curb QUICKLY!!! If you need support, there are places you can go in virtually every area. Don't let him put any of this crap on you! He sounds like a major douche-bag and does not deserve to keep his "family" (you and your son) because he's already convinced himself to give you up. Being a single mom sucks, but it's better than the probability that your son will grow up to be just like HIM when he grows up! Good luck.

Shayna - posted on 04/06/2010

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I would have enough common sense in your situation to know that what I'm seeing and suspecting is obviously telling me something! He even admits he needs help, and needs to go to sex rehab, that says A LOT, especially when you catch him talking to prostitutes. If he says he needs the help then accept it, and let him go. First thing I would do if I were you is go get checked for and sexual transmitted diseases, considering he was even talking to a prostitute!!!!!

Come on girl don't live in denial, you want to look past all the obvious evidence you have seen to save you from the heart ache. In my personal opinion having a emotional relationship with another person besides just having sex is far worse.

If you can't trust him (which I don't blame you) than in my opinion it is not going to work, for trust is the main factor for a relationship, especially if it's going to become a long distance one. Trust is earned. I think he needs to man up to his actions and come clean, and stop playing you for the idiot he thinks you are! If you want to try and work it out then you should seek counseling, or who knows he may need sex rehab, there are a lot of sex addicts out there!

Chantelle - posted on 04/06/2010

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This is what I think. If he is getting as defensive as he is when you ask him about those things usually means he is doing something like cheating. And you already know he is doing them. I think you should tell him to take a hike. I know you want you're son to have both loving parents. But trying too make something work with someone who doesn't want to makes things harder for everyone. It is pretty clear that he is putting alot of stress on you and it sounds like he doesn't care about you at all. He may say he is sorry but do you honestly think he truly is sorry?. I know it's hard when you love someone, and it's even harder when a child is involved, I know because I have been there before. But you gotta do what is best for you and you're babies. My opnion tell him to hit the road back because no one deserves anything like that the only thing people deserve is to be happy and treated with respect.! Goodluck with you're decission.

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