what do i do? Im scared for my daughter!

Krista - posted on 10/25/2009 ( 48 moms have responded )

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my husband lost his job and didnt go look for a new one and i finally did and start next week. he has never spent a whole day by himself taking care of my daughter. She is in her terrible 2's. When i would go run errans and come home she would be locked in her room and i'm not sure if i should work. I am scare for her. I mean it is her father but he jsut cant seem to handle her. He yells , spanks, and locks her up instead o fdoing something with her.

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Jae - posted on 10/28/2009

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The first thing is it sounds like his afraid of her. The only thing he knows to do with her is lock her up if she gets out of control. Try making a schedule and list. The schedule being everything from what time she gets up, what time her favorite shows come on, her favorite things to eat, time to take her for a walk, time to start winding her down for a nap, time she starts rustling before is completely over-her expected mood after nap and if she likes to cuddle or to be left alone. Tell him to sit snacks out so she can eat them after nap. Prepare her lunch & put it in fridge for him...so he can be more comfortable with her, by not having to messing with tedious little things until he gets his emotions under control. He maybe uncertain and unsure of what to do with a child that young. The first thing to tell him is if he stays calm-the baby stays calm and in control. Having said that, if he genuinely doesn't like the baby around...find a sitter. If not he could do serious physical, emotional and mental harm to her.

Brandi - posted on 10/25/2009

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maybe you could suggest that the two of you attend some parenting classes. Every parent could be doing a better job, right? *I know i could* This would give your husband some useful tools to use when dealing with your daughter, which would help him to gain some confidence. I took several in college and boy have they worked wonders when i am trying to handle one of my daughter's tantrums. I find that my husband isn't quite as capable of dealing with her sometimes, too. I think a lot of men expect that "good" kids will listen, but that isn't the case. My kids are great kids. I'm always told when we go out anywhere that my kids are "so well behaved." well they didn't come out of the box that way. it takes a lot of work. Maybe if your husband can understand that, he could be an even better father. You might also try to inform him on some of the things that you do that works well for your daughter. I would, however, see if maybe a close friend, your mom, sister, or someone could come help your husband for a couple of weeks or so until he makes the adjustment from wage earner to caretaker. it's hard and if he's stressed out, you have to worry for your daughter's safety. good luck

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How long is she locked in her room? If it is just for a couple of minutes as a time out (which I do) then acceptable. BUT, if she is in there for more than 5 minutes alone, that is not cool. A baby that young should not be left alone for that long. I have three step children who went through this with their real mother, but under different circumstances... "mom" was doing unmentionable things with men... or going out for the night. The 3 yr old still hates a shut door. There are mental and emotional traumas that will come if this continues. If you keep leaving her home with him he truely needs to understand the mindset of a 2 year old toddler. She is learning and testing to know boundaries, good and bad choices. If he can not accept her behavior and do a simple 2 minute time out, then he can not be left alone with her. Her safety is the number one concern. Remember that, her safety is your number one concern. If you don't agree with how he handles her, DO NOT leave her! I went through this with my husband, and had to teach him a lot. He is better. You have a lot to think about, and it is serious too. Much luck to you and your daughter.

Kristen - posted on 11/01/2009

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Sounds like you have a family issue that you need to address now and not tomorrow!! If you are this worried about the father of your child watching her while you are at work then I have to be honest and say you need to make other arrangments for her. I'm sorry to sound mean but you also need to sit down and take a deep look at your life and decided if there are changes that need to be made.

Jane - posted on 10/31/2009

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whether you work or not he needs to be in a class on parenting ASAP for everyone's well being. i'm sure he doesn't like handling things the way he does as well, he just simply doesn't know.

Brandy - posted on 10/31/2009

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I feel you need to sit him down and talk to him tell him how you feel tell him you are not happy with the way he handles her like locking her in her room I don't feel that is right he needs to try alittle harder than he is to handle the way she is acting she is a child she needs to be looked after not locked away

Rachelle - posted on 10/31/2009

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Since you are on your own, find a church that can help you, and some may work with you on paying child care costs, especially if they understood your home situation. Most of the time people within a church are very willing to help out. I would not leave her with him while you work. He doesn't sound mature enough to handle working or taking care of your little girl. I know you are in a tough situation. Always follow your instincts. Seek out government assistance such as unemployment benefits and other such assistance while he is unemployed and tell him that if he doesn't get a job you are leaving. I took care of myself and my daughter for 10 years, so I know you can do it too! God Bless! keep us posted on how you are doing!!

Natasha - posted on 10/30/2009

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thats not gonna work....i know, ive had (5) two year olds..... it should get better around 3.5 yrs....in the mean time,the parent that gives them the most POSITIVE attention normally has the upper hand with them. It requires alot of patience, but just explain to ur hubby...if we dont have the patience to deal with them, what can we expect of anyone else dealing with them? Good luck mama, hang in there, and remember follow your intuition!

Marlaina - posted on 10/30/2009

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If it were me, I would not leave her with him. Especially if he locks her up, that is abuse. If my husband were to lock my child up in a room, his stuff would be packed faster than he could blink an eye.

Tanyia - posted on 10/30/2009

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Quoting Krista:

thank you those are all good ideas...this is my only out lit. he and i dont have family to help us we were both adopted and pushed out of the house when we were 16 and 17 so we don't have that. we are jsut now getting our lives together with school and jobs. All our old friends were not good friends so we don't talk. My brohters are all on probation and they have to work 2 or 3 jobs to make their po's happy. but i will talk to him and see if that helps. he is still 17 in his mind. ive tried parenting classes. he wouldn't even sit in the room to watch the cpr video in the hospital. the thing that scares me the most is he has a bad temper and use to hit on me well that stopped but found out his real mom is in prison for killing his sister and i am scare that will happen to my daughter. he loves her and i know that but sometimes his rage gets the best of him.



if he used to hit you hun he can do it again, not only you but to her as well. If you this scared you need to get out of the relationship and protect her and your self.

Nadine - posted on 10/30/2009

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I'm sorry to hear about your problems. Is it possible to find daycare? I think you should trust your instincts and not leave your little girl with him. Maybe you could find some work to do from home until he finds work. Maybe you could take in a couple of kids to watch, sell AVON, deliver fliers, whatever it takes. Good luck!

Connie - posted on 10/30/2009

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Put her in daycare. All men are not equip to handle children. If you think you can not afford it go to social service and ask for assistance. There is no need for you to worry all day about your child. It will also give him time to look for another job if he chooses. Do not add stress to your life, life is already hard enough.

Jennifer - posted on 10/30/2009

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I agree with Sunni's suggestion.

It sounds as though you need a serious chat with him. Was he so stressed out with your daughter before he lost his job? Men (apart from the lazy leeches who want to do nothing) feel like losers if they are not able to support their families. He could be depressed. As his wife, you need to build him up so he doesn't feel so down. This will strengthen your relationship, and hopefully help him to treat his daughter better. Until his actions toward your daughter change, I think it would be best if you could find a trusted friend to watch her.

Stephanie - posted on 10/30/2009

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Perhaps you should kick him to the curb! He seems like more of a nuisance than a helper. You can do bad all by yourself! A real man never gives up on his family and never stops trying to find a way to provide for his family. Perhaps you should try to find a daycare that is government funded for working Moms. You should not trust someone who locks a child up in a room alone!

Sunni - posted on 10/30/2009

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My husband used to get frustrated with our boys and when I got home he would hand them over and disappear. Anyway what solved this for us was getting involved in church. When you get in church there are a lot of ladies good ladies that will help you and watch the baby even check in on your hubby and offer to cook them lunch and stuff. Even if he will not go with you it will give you a lot of help from a lot of Mommy's with millions of years of experience. This can bring Christ into your home and he can start to make the life changing difference that will make your home the best place for you your husband and your children. Please look for one I am a member of a baptist Church and I believe that God can fix the worries that have layed on your heart for your Daughter. May God bless you in your persuit to be bread winner and Mommy.

Shannon - posted on 10/30/2009

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you may have to make a choice of keeping your child safe, and in your life. or leaving with your husband and risking your husband snapping on her and killing her all it takes is 1 hit, in the right place to kill her. if i were you i would kick him to the curb!!!!!!

Shannon - posted on 10/30/2009

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first your daughter is to young to be locked in her room! 2 it sounds like your husband is abusive towards her. to many children die each year of abuse, cause by their own parent. i recomend your husband to take parenting classes.

Nichole - posted on 10/29/2009

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go to the library..there is a method of parenting called 1..2..3 magic...it will work wonders for him..it eliminates spanking and even though she is 2 it works..I have 3 boys..ages 14,7 and 5. I have been using it on them since they were little..maybe you could also sit down with your husband and come up with activities that him and your daughter could do together while you are gone for the day..things that a 2 year old would like..such as painting/coloring...and maybe he can have her help with house chores things not to hard for her to do

Kelly - posted on 10/29/2009

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You really should not leave her with him. You don't want to be one of those mothers on the news, where the husband/father kills the child!!! That might sound drastic, but I agree with all these moms who talked about your gut instinct. Your biggest responsibility is to protect your child. I really hope you find a solution soon...you obviously are in a very difficult situation.

Keema - posted on 10/29/2009

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you should sit him down and talk to him about how you feel. start off telling him there are somethings that u need to say and ask him to wait to comment till your done then you do the same for him and let him talk with out interrupting. if that don't work u may have to get a babysitter for the both of them

Heather - posted on 10/29/2009

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You need to figure something else out, because if u leave ur daughter with him, knowing his rage issue, u may regret it and in my opinion are just as guilty of child abuse. Even with what u have said here, i think that DHS should get involved, because this obviously isn't a stable environment for a toddler to grow up healthy in. I'll tell u what happened to my brother...He had a psycho abusive girlfriend who was not abusive toward my niece but my brother, he put up with it cause he "loved" her and wanted to keep his "family" together...Well DHS got involved with them, his girlfriend wasn't allowed to be around my niece without supervision (starting when she was 2months old) My mother basically took care of her..But when my brother had her, he would allow his psycho girlfriend around..I told him, keep the baby away from her, because the state will take ur rights away too! he said they cant take my rights away because i'm not unfit...and i said they will find u unfit, because u are allowing ur daughter to be in the company of somebody who is unstable, violent, and unpredictable..You'll never guess what happened......My brother's rights were terminated too.. When u become a parent ur responsibility is ur child, it's no more about what u want or need. Your daughter's life is clearly in danger, and if u don't do something to get away from this idiot you could and should lose ur daughter. There's no reason to lock away a 2year old for being a 2 year old! u guys clearly need help.. Do whats right for ur daughter get out of the environment or give her up.

Chrissy - posted on 10/29/2009

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It sounds like you must already know the answer but are looking for backup to support it. If you are questioning ishe can be trusted then deep in your heart you know the answer. No child should ever be locked in a room and especially one that age. I agree with the suggestion for parenting classes, if he says no, then it seems he doesn't want to try. Also look for mommy and me classes or something offered by your local library or YMCA, to get you out of the house and meeting other people. Keep yourself isolated isn't the answer here. You need to ne out and about to meet people and make friends. If he has hit you in the past, I don't think that I would feel safe leaving my daughter there with him. best wishes!!

Willa - posted on 10/29/2009

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It is them same with my Husband I cant even ask for a shower with him getting upset. He doesnt know how to deal with our son because he works nights and then sleeps all day. I would either tell him get up and find a job or put your little girl in a daycare you trust where they can handle her. Good Luck.

Mary - posted on 10/29/2009

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Krista, You know your husband and child and marriage better than any of us. We are just going by what you have said. But I have to say this because it is one thing among many good things people have said, that has not been said.

If he used to hit and abuse you, but has stopped, especially without counseling, he is still an abusive man. OFTEN you read about abusive men turning from abusing their wives to abusing their children. Abuse might sound like an over used word to someone who is living with it and who loves the abuser, but for a small child, and even for some women, abuse can lead to SERIOUS injury and even death. OPEN your eyes and really look at your situation, because if you are the parent who is non abusive and really loves your daughter then it is YOU who are responsible for keeping her safe. God bless you, praying hard for you and her, and for your husband too.

Caryn - posted on 10/29/2009

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I 110% do NOT agree with the "he is her dad and you ahve to trust him" line. That is absolutely not acceptable! First IMO, a dad is a man that grows up and accepts his responabilty and HELPS take care and raise his children, a father has a DNA match to the child but no relationship with the child to speak of. From what I've read I do not think he is a dad to your daughter and honestly if you are scared enough to post this online for millions of people to see then that should be a red flag to NOT leave her in his care.

Honestly I think you need to just get out of the situation all together. Find a friend you can go stay with for awhile or even a shelter for women/children. They will give you a place to stay and help you with your daughter, as well as helping you find work and possibly daycare.

Please, if you honestly care for your daughter and feel that he would pose a threat to her in anyway (even shutting her in her room, thats NEGLECT!) then get away from him, as far away as possible!!!!!!

Kyle - posted on 10/28/2009

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I agree with Brooke. I am the "what if" type of person. If your motherly instincts are telling you not to leave your baby girl with him then i there is a reason for that. If you honestly don't know if he would hurt her then think of this... WHAT IF he does. would you be able to handle it if you did leave her with him knowing you had that feeling and something did happen?

Amanda - posted on 10/28/2009

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He is her Dad and you are going to have to trust him...if you can't trust him with your daughter should you really be with him?

[deleted account]

Her father or not I would not feel safe leaving her with him and I would have a talk with him about his parenting and if he's not willing to change I would leave him. Your daughter needs to feel safe.

Koryl - posted on 10/28/2009

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ohh ya and one more thing i was just thinking about if u cant trust him and u wont leave him alone with her because u r scared for her. go to the court house or lawyers office and file for DIVORCE

Koryl - posted on 10/28/2009

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well maybe a thought would be get a nanny cam without him knowing and give it a few days and see what happends i would hope if he is a bad person u would have left him already u can check them from a computer at work then its bseeing with your own eyes and not just what u think might have or may happen

Nicole - posted on 10/28/2009

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Someone said this earlier, but I completely agree... trust your instinct! If you are scared for your daughter when you leave her alone with your husband then DON'T DO IT!!

Christine - posted on 10/28/2009

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If you don't feel safe leaving her home with him I would try to look into daycare.

Emily - posted on 10/28/2009

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That does not sound right. You need to confront him on that and find out what the problem is he might flat out tell you he can not handle it but you are right that needs to be handled asap. Take Care.

Sherry - posted on 10/28/2009

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I think you should honestly go with your gut intuition. If it doesn't feel right leaving her, I would not do it. These are warning signs. I agree with the prior post to get a job on the night shift if you have to work, or find a relative/friend in the area that can help you out for now (all you have to do is ask!). I would also do what ever it takes to support your husband to get working again so you can be back home with your daughter. Good luck ((hugs!!)) ☼

Jennifer - posted on 10/27/2009

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Get a job 3rd shift.This way she is asleep when your at work. During the day u sleep but keep an ear open to hear if he is overreacting to her. Make him take a parenting class and help him job search. If he is home with her all the time maybe it will coax him to get a job then u can still stay home or only work part time. Good Luck!

Kelly - posted on 10/27/2009

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You should let him know how you feel about the situation. See how your daughter seems after you come home from work. If hes not taking good care of her you have to do whats best for her.

Brooke - posted on 10/27/2009

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If you really feel like you can't trust him, then you need to figure something else out. Just imagine if something really bad did happen and you had had this gut instinct beforehand warning you not to let him take care of her full-time. Could you live with yourself?

Jill - posted on 10/27/2009

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it sounds like he doesn't have patience to deal with children.... go with you gut insticnt ..DO NO LET HIM TAKE CARE OF HER>>>> that's abuse plain and simple...

Jessica - posted on 10/27/2009

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Well he should learn how to take care of his daughter, but if he locks her up thats not right. And if he's not doing what a loveing husband and father is suppose to do, and that's provideing for his family. That's wrong to. If you have any close friend's and family maybe ask them for help with babysitting. Cause someone has to work to take care of that precious little girl.. And im so sorry, but he's not doing that. And you and that little girl deserves to be happy. You sound like a strong women and i think you will do the right thing. Because you luv that little girl and for that. She will grow up knowing that her mommy loved her enough to take care of her and give her the luv that she deserved.

Alicia - posted on 10/26/2009

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like u said hes her father. he has to learn how to control her his own ways. as long as he isnt hitting her or neglecting her then is all u can do is offer sum other ways of punishment

Angela - posted on 10/26/2009

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I worryed about my husband, when we had kids he had never even been around a baby, my daughters was his first diper change, You just have to bite the bullet and let him have her. he will get it leave him a note on what time to do things, call and check on him when you can, If it gets to be to much just tell him to get a job and you will go back to staying home with her.

Carolee - posted on 10/25/2009

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If you are truly scared, GET OUT!!! Go to a women's shelter. I've been in that kind of position... it's not good... please, please, please don't stay in a dangerous relationship (for you or your child). If he's not even willing to talk about parenting classes, it sounds like he needs to at least have some sort of counseling. Get him help, and until he's 100% better, stay somewhere else. I know a women's shelter is not the ideal place for most people, but they are there for a reason, and they DO help people. And there's always hope that, with counseling/parenting classes/some sort of help, he will be able to control his anger/rage, and you can go back. I hope for the best for you. It's not an easy decision to make.

Cory - posted on 10/25/2009

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you may think about leaving him, do no get caught up in all of that. Your daughter needs you to be strong. you need to get her out of any situation that will or could harm her. If you have doubt you need to act on them. where do you live??

Krista - posted on 10/25/2009

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thank you those are all good ideas...this is my only out lit. he and i dont have family to help us we were both adopted and pushed out of the house when we were 16 and 17 so we don't have that. we are jsut now getting our lives together with school and jobs. All our old friends were not good friends so we don't talk. My brohters are all on probation and they have to work 2 or 3 jobs to make their po's happy. but i will talk to him and see if that helps. he is still 17 in his mind. ive tried parenting classes. he wouldn't even sit in the room to watch the cpr video in the hospital. the thing that scares me the most is he has a bad temper and use to hit on me well that stopped but found out his real mom is in prison for killing his sister and i am scare that will happen to my daughter. he loves her and i know that but sometimes his rage gets the best of him.

Ann - posted on 10/25/2009

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Its quite simple really if you can't trust him to look after her than there is obviously good reason other than what you have seen with your own eyes, its called mothers intuition, if you feel the need to work than do it single mothers do it all the time. There are day care centres, friends and family, for you to be able to succeed at work you need to be able to focus and you cant do that if your worrying about your child, if shes safe, if shes happy and so on. It is your choice on wether or not you work, but for it to work you and your daughter need to be happy if you can't trust the father to look after her though, you really shouldn't even stay within the relationship, I say this wondering what kind of relationship you have if you cant trust him to look after his child, of course it could be as simple as he hasn't had the experience, there is a program called PPP positive parenting program, suggest that you both do the course and it will help him become a better parent as well as give you both better understanding of each other and your child. Good luck in which ever way you decide to deal with this.

Sarah - posted on 10/25/2009

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thats a tough one. i have a 9 month old who i watch most of the time. if i do ask my husband to watch her while i run errands, even something small like taking a shower i find he gets frustrated with her quickly. he mostly expects her to sit quietly while he watches tv. if she cries or act out he usually brings her to me and i am forced to stop what i am doing so he doesnt have to deal with it. thankfully he hasnt tried to spank her or anything like that but he does sometimes put her in her crib and leave her if he cant get her to srop screaming. i think that if he were around us more often he would see how she and i interact and figure out better ways to control himslef around her even if she isnt acting the way he would like. he is just at work so much that he doesnt really even know her. you should try to talk to your husband about the situation. maybe not accuse him of anything but explain what you do in certain situations. than maybe he will have a better solution to fall back on instead of yelling and spanking. i wish you the best of luck. hope all goes well for your family

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