What do you consider 'cheating'???

Darcy - posted on 10/21/2010 ( 73 moms have responded )

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Ok, so obviously I'm a stay-at-home-mom, and my husband works long hours in the oilfields. We have been together going on 12 years and it seems that in the past 2 years we've been having issues. Ok, not 'we' but him. I won't go into too much detail, but it's a problem with porn and 'sneaking' out with friends and not coming home till 4-6 in the mornings. Obviously, I have forgiven him & we always work through these issues....only for them to pop back up a couple months later. Well, my issue now is that the other night his brother came by to hang out. It was about 11 at night, and my husband came into the house and asked me if he could go with his brother to pick up an old friend & that he should only be gone about an hour. Not thinking too much about it, of course I said yes. Well, needless to say, about 4 hours pass by and I'm stewing sitting in my bedroom. I go outside to talk to him, and soon find out after much screaming, yelling and insisting that he tells me the truth, he had left this house with the intentions of going to a strip club!!! I asked him if he had gotten a lap dance, and his answer was no. Well, the next morning, I find out from my sister in law, that in fact he did get a lap dance, they never went to pick up a friend, and he knew that I was trying to reach him on his cell, but wanted to avoid me in fear of me getting upset.
He lied to me!!!! And he paid some nasty woman $20 to rub all over him! I even found out that this lap dance took place in a private room! I still think that I'm not getting the whole truth from him, and he wants me to forgive him & work on our marriage some more, but my question is....is paying another woman to rub on you cheating????
How many times am I supposed to let this man lie to me & deceive me, and I'm supposed to forgive him? Granted, I married this man through thick and thin, but lately it seems to be more of the thin.....HELP, I am in desperate need of some advice!

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I feel for you on this issue Darcy. I think a lot of women give a little shudder at the porn issue, but don't want to talk about in fear of being labelled frigid or something. It's very hard to balance "just hanging out with the guys for few cold ones and some laughs......so there's naked women in the background, big deal", with going into a private room for some "up close and personal". I think your gut is already telling you the answer. Why do you think they need a private room for the lap dance? Because stuff does go on. Trust me. I had to do a school paper on this subject and spent quite a bit of time talking to the ladies at a local club. The private room is for extra income....don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Or why else would it have to be away from other eyes? Now that doesn't mean that it was intercourse......but away from bouncer's eyes, he can touch her now. maybe some oral.....but to me, that's still cheating. I am one of those prudes who thinks a mans' very presence in one of these places is an insult and affront to his wife. I happen to think that porn has no place in a healthy marriage......Not that it helps to make a healthy marriage. However, I know, men have those needs, don't they. So its' hard to tell your man not to indulge a little bit. Only you know if your heart when he has truly crossed the line. In your situation, as soon as he started lying to you.....it became a more serious issue. There is definitely no need for sneaking around in a marriage. And the staying out all night.....too juvenile. If he has a wife and kids, in my opinion he should be home at a decent hour. I think you are going to have to be very clear about your expectations of him and what You need in the marriage.....obviously he is welcome to do the same. Then you will have to decide how long you are willing to wait for him to the fulfill them, or if stronger measures are required. A loving husband should have eyes for his wife alone........you (or your children) should have to compete for his attention. good luck!

Mrs. - posted on 10/26/2010

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I personally don't think of just watching porn or even getting a lap dance is cheating. I know a lot of women demonize this behaviour. However, having grown up with three brothers, had the majority of my roommates be men and having lived with three men in the couples sense I can say-men watch porn. Wether it's a magazine, online or just regular old tv, men do it. Women do too. They just tend to do it in a different, maybe more socially acceptable way. For instance, lots of women love romance novels and daydreaming about that. Can I ask the women who have said, this is cheating absolutely and that it is disgusting, have you never watched a movie or read a romance novel and become aroused? Does that mean you are now a cheater? Because porn is generally not your choice of fantasy does that make your daydreaming about Brad Pitt in the shower less "disgusting"? Men are just very, very visual and have been conditioned though years of half naked women in or out of bikinis to respond. It is my experience that the more you demonize this, the more they just hide it, become ashamed of it and your relationship ends up with these dull spaces of secrets.

That is not to say that your partner is not doing something wrong. As other women have said, he's lied to you, a lot. It sounds also like he doesn't have a whole lot of respect for or has cancelled you out when you speak.

I have to wonder about your statement, that "we" are having problems but it's really his problem. Really? So you have NO responsibility for your problems? You are always communicating to him your needs and wants? You are listening with an open mind to his? No matter how awful his behaviour is, their is always two sides. Some people might say there are three sides, her side, his side and the actual truth.

Strip clubs and porn, they are just ugly symptoms to the real problem. They are easy to hold on to cause you'll get lots of support from people saying. "Ewww, porn is soo gross. He's such a jerk, leave him." A lot of women will be available to confirm porm/strip clubs "grossness" to you. But what is the real problem behind all the ugly symptoms? What is really going on? You can only find that out by letting right and wrong go and communicating, preferably with a therapist/minister/expert.

I wish you luck and understanding.

[deleted account]

Ok, so no one has asked so I will play Devils advocate. Hows has your sex life with him been? How often are you intamite? I'm not at all condoning what he has done/doing but all i've heard is your side of the story.
When a man goes to a stirp club its to fullfill a fantasy. There the woman will be and act like whomever you want them.
Now I don't mind if my husband watches porn or went to a strip club as long as he is honest with me and our marrage is stable. In my relationship we have a very strong communtication and I do know that he will watch porn to get off maybe 2 times a month. He doesn't go to strip clubs because he wouldnt waste his money... we live in CA and let me say I haven't seen an atractive stripper in a long time.. lol
Now it sounds like your husband has a problem with telling you the truth and maybe an addiction to porn. These need to be discussed and resolved or you should move on, you can't have a relationship without trust.
On the other hand, if he can't talk with you because you automatically yell at him before he can finish then he will never talk to you anyway.
Ask him what he feels is lacking in your marriage. Is is spice in the bedroom?
There may be a way to salvage your marriage. I wish you all the luck!

Mrs. - posted on 10/29/2010

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I don't think, honestly, that I was lecturing. I'm sorry but if you actually believe that after you marry a guy he should never get aroused by another woman...that's an impossible expectation. Have you never, ever been aroused by a movie star, the mailman, an athlete? Is that cheating? Are you a bad mate because you have two eyes and a sex drive?

Porn addicts are out there, for sure, I've lived with one before (in college). That is unhealthy, it's as unhealthy as any obsessive compulsive behaviour. However, watching porn on the computer for an occasional "alone time" or having a stack of mags does not a porn addict make.

I guess it seemed there were a lot of women with a similar viewpoint about porn/strip clubs, I wanted to put my opposing voice in. My experience growing up as an only girl, with only male cousins, with almost all male roommates through college and onward and my live bf's/current fiance. In my experience, that most men watch porn and that doesn't mean they love their gf's/wives less...it just means they like to have something to look at when they have "alone time". Females, generally, make due with less "shameful" stimulation like, romance novels, films with a romance story, stuff that revolves more around a relationship scenario.

Bottom line, I think I said it before, if you shame a fairly common activity like self pleasuring with your partner or demonize it, the communication and openness that can come from talking about your true natures/feeling tends to weaken.

I know I am a fairly open partner, I think because I grew up mainly around men, the men I've been with have found my openness about these private activities refreshing. When I've said things like, "I know you might occasionally like to watch porn and get off, its no big deal and you don't have to hide it." It's like a weight is lifted.

I'm not trying to put doubt in people's minds about their mates. But really, if you think your mate has never watch porn or become aroused about someone other than you..you're being, in my opinion naive. As well, if you think that means your husband/partner doesn't love you/is not attracted to you...it's generally not the case either.

I'm sure it's not a surprise that I agree with the comments about the strip clubs. I've actually been to several myself and gotten a lap dance in a private room. I went out of curiosity when I was young and also because one of my exes liked the idea of seeing me get a lap dance. Mostly, the girl and I just kinda ended up laughing and chatting about random stuff. She was very nice and told me this is nothing new that many married people, bf/gf's come for lap dances with a partner. After it was done, I talked to my ex and we both agreed that it was better as a fantasy than the reality. I think if more women actually checked out the reality of a strip club, they would realize that really, what most men come home to is so much better.

I suppose all of this is moral issues and the like. With those, we can agree to disagree. I think generally what most people can agree on is that, lying sucks. The rest, I don't really care personally, lying-I don't tolerate. Lying destroys relationships.

As well, let's say, no matter how unlikely, your man decides that to cheat because of all the porn and strippers....it still does not divorce you from all responsibility in the relationship breaking down.
She said,

"We have been together going on 12 years and it seems that in the past 2 years we've been having issues. Ok, not 'we' but him"

I just wanted to say that there might be a chance that the problem is indeed a "we" issue (although he may be more "at fault" it seems) and not just a "he" issue.

That's about it. If my tone seemed like a "lecture", I apologize, it was not meant to be. It was just meant as advice...since people come here for advice.

[deleted account]

Yes Rebecca, well put. I was trying to say something similiar earlier but was not getting any kind of response. Also thank you Aenea for your story. I hope that other women will be understanding while reading it but I know many become afraid thinking they don't have the same sex appeal to offer their husbands even though they do. Your man is with you for a reason.
It takes 2 to make a relationship work and it takes 2 to destroy it. It may be mostly one persons fault but if you catch the warning signs early enough you can salvage almost anything!

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73 Comments

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Alisha - posted on 02/10/2012

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I would say yes that is cheating especially if you did not know it was going to happen and you are clearly not ok with it. It's too bad our society tells married men this behavior is harmless and normal because look what its doing to you. I realize you posted this awhile ago, I hope things are going better!

Candice - posted on 11/03/2010

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I would just advise that this seems to be a serious issue that could have serious consequences for your marriage. While asking for advice/venting on a public forum is a great way to find support I would suggest going to counseling for an issue as serious as this. Best of luck.

Jean - posted on 11/03/2010

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In my book he is cheating because he is giving the attention that is due his wife to other women and paying for it even if it didn't lead to intercourse. Forgive him yes but you guys need counseling, individual and couple. He may need a shock to his system/world to realize you are serious. this is way more than guys having fun. Maybe get a sitter for the kids and take him somewhere where you can talk w/o interruption and ask him if he wants to only see his kids on the weekends and to not be a fmily again because that may be what it comes to, your hubby needs a wake up call! You can tell him that you aren't considering a divorce right now but his actions if they continue may lead to one. Ask him if he really meant his vows. and if he means them then it is time to get help for both of you to begin the recovery.

Alicia - posted on 11/02/2010

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yes i would definattely consider that cheating and quite frankly NO i would not forgive him. in 2009 i went to get my iud in place @ dr & they do a swab for infection and what not & office called me back like 3 days later saying it came up with something and to go in to get us both treated. i hung up pissed as hell. i have 2 kids, i threw my phone across room at dresser and yelled at my husband to get his ass up and freakin explain to me why my damn dr office called.. Ok yeah he has a stupid ass ex wife i use to have to deal with... i repeatedly confronted her online and was rude bout it and said tell me im telling truth i dare ya. she kept lying saying no nothing happened... like i believe her.. so ne ways im like WHY ? WHEN? WHO? WHAT? WHERE??? he divorced his ex for numerous reasons but 1 reason was to marry me.. we got married in march 2008, i had our son in dec 2007 and daughter in october 2008... he said december 08 once. OK well needless to say i am STILL pissed off as all get out to this day; i get so mad ill start shaking so i dont think bout it. i try to put it behind me.. i cried for 3 hrs straight and would not come off my pillow until he pried me off. i dont think ive ever been so pissed off in my life, hurt, angry, upset, want revenge i guess as in something to happen between her bf and herself so they break up but then if that happened she'd harrass us more so 4get that. but no i never forgave either of them honestly as much as i tried to him i cant. it just is not possible to say it is ok CUZ ITS NOT!!!! i am scared of paps now cuz of that day. i got my iud out in oct 2010 but they didnt need to do swab for anything.thank goodness in Oct 09 we moved to my hometown which is 8 hours from where we were living so we have not seen her in over a year which is great.

it caused alot of fights between us - me bitching about her and what happened etc, so i had to stop before i got so stressed out i blow lol. i dont think i have ever been so stressed in my life. i dont know yall but thats my story of cheating. it is never right and i dont care who the spouse is or how big of a bitch they may be, do NOTTTTTTTTTTTT cheat on them!!!!!! U MAKE A VOW ON UR WEDDING DAY to be there for them for BETTER or for WORSE in sickness and in health, til DEATH do u part.

lol sorry i went on and on =]

Stifler's - posted on 11/02/2010

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I don't think the issue is cheating. He is doing things that make you feel uncomfortable and generally being an ass.

Nelly - posted on 11/02/2010

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In my opinion cheating is anything that is done or said that your spouse won't do or say in front of you

User - posted on 10/28/2010

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I think the lying is the biggest issue. Evidently he knew that he was doing something that you would not like or approve of otherwise he would of just told you like your brother told his wife. If you have talked about this in the past and he keeps doing it and keeps asking for your forgiveness...that's entirely different thing than just going once and never going again. I think it is more of a trust issue than "cheating". But I think I would feel that my husband was cheating on me in a way if he was going to strip clubs and watching porn while lying about it.
My husband doesn't watch porn or go to strip clubs..that I know of. I honestly wouldn't like it if he went to a strip club or watched porn. Especially the private lap dance. (He would be sleeping on the couch for a long time.) There are other couples out there who watch porn together as part of their sex life.

Aenea - posted on 10/28/2010

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Jessica G you hit, bulls eye!! Don't sweat the small stuff (the strip club) look at the big picture (the lying). A man has to feel comfortable and not intimidated and he shall tell you what you want to know. Half of the time I can't get mines to shut up.. lol!! But its a good thing he can talk to me and I can do the same without the blowing up, fussing, arguing and fighting. We are not a perfect couple but we listen to each other even though we dont agree what the other is saying but we can understand why we feel and see it that way.. Darcy, thats your man he aint going no where as long as you make him feel the same way you made him feel in the beginning. Be happy and proud of your body, especially if its all natural.. Girl get you some thongs and a boo sty a and shake what yo momma gave you and believe me when the fellas come to take to the club, he will be like strip club, got here at the crib dog, cant mess with it...lol!! it's going to work out for the two of you. pray about!!

Christi - posted on 10/28/2010

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I draw the line at porn and stip clubs. That to me is cheating. We are married and you can look at other women WITH THEIR CLOTHES ON. There is no reason for you to be going out to look at naked women, much less letting them touch you. I don't go to male stip clubs and I expect the same from my husband. He respects how I feel, thank God. but I would not put up with that in your situation. He obviously thinks it is ok to lie to you and if he has lied about letting strangers rub up against him, who knows what else he has lied about. You two need to go to counceling and if he doesn't stop behaving that way, might be his time to hit the road.

Jessica - posted on 10/28/2010

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Alright I agree with Rebecca sure...but I was with someone with an ADDICTION to porn. This man had porn on his lap top...a thing...it wasn't a flash drive but one of those things with a ridiculous amout of memory on it that is like a flash drive...a cell phone...and a psp all with dang porn on it!! He had photos of naked pregnant women on his phone!!! He had piles and piles and piles of nudy magazines in the trunk of his car and hidden in his room! He wasn't just any guy. It can give a woman a complex when her man watches porn even when they don't have an actual problem like that guy I was with...I don't look like those women! I don't have the "perfect" body! I have thighs and a dang butt! I am built small on the top half and plump on the bottom half. He had a rewards card to the porn store too and we didn't go but twice in our relationship of almost 2 years. I didn't look like all these girls in his porn videos and nuddy pics...I for sure didn't do the things that the girls in those videos did and I was scared that maybe i wasn't really good enough. Now I am sorry if someone doesn't agree that is a problem! b/c in my opinion it is!

Now I agree with Aenea as well but like Summer said plenty of us are afraid of our men going to the strip club b/c we tend to not look like those women and we tend not to be able to do the things that those girls do either. I can honestly say that I would be a little upset if my man went to the strip club. He has me at home and I would just feel bad about myself if he wanted to go. NOW I can honestly say that he would tell me before he just went to a strip club and if he was to go he wouldn't lie about it and hide it from me!

Now the problem here is the lying! Forget about the fact that he watches porn or that he goes to the strip club...lying shouldn't be tolerated! If he is going to lie about it who knows what else is being lied about! If he is lying about where the is going all the time and trying to hide what he is doing that is ridiculous! I don't think that lying should be forgiven...and how long is a person suppose to forgive and not forget!? HONESTLY!?

Aenea - posted on 10/28/2010

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Darcy and at other post reply's,
First of all I want to say that if anyone gets or feels offended by my post, comment, opinion or just the plan truth. Sorry you feel that way, but It needs to be kept real!!!!
I am very sad to have read the way that some stereo type strippers/go go dancers!! @Leslie, some of what you said can and cannot be true, yep some of the girls would let the gentleman or lady sneak a touch. Some states even allow it. The private dance in these rooms sometimes consist 3-5 girls and the clients in one big room.. It gives that client the feel of being that special one for that moment. They had a bad day at work, something bothering them, tired of the wife nagging all the time etc... Now you can trust me on that....I'm speaking from personal experience of 12+years of doing it. Calling the ladies nasty girls is just plan wrong. I can't speak for any other women in the business, but I know for d*** sure I wasn't nasty. Yes, every bit of those 10's, 20's, 50's, 100's dollar bills paid all my bills and food and formula for my babies etc.. I made the money every night, I didn't let it make me. I no longer strip anymore, by my choice. My husband now didn't have a problem with it at all. Him and sometimes his friends would come to the clubs that I worked at. My husband and his boss and crew went out of town recently for a job. He called me while they were at a strip club. I didn't get mad or upset. Come to find out he gave the phone to one of the girls working there and it was an old friend whom we worked together at a different club.. I know my husband, yes he will get a lap dance if thats what he wants but nine times out of ten he won't.. He may tip out no more then 20 single dollars to them on stage and thats it. At first he really didn't see himself coming to the club when I was working, but I pushed him to (lack of words) he would get lap dances at that time too, but didn't have to pay for them. I would have the girls hook him up.. Anyway now with him its nada.. Once in a blew moon and that will be literally he will go to a strip club..
This is a fantasy world life for the men that goes to these clubs. They become the center of attention even if they have to pay for it to someone else. They feel that they pay for it at home and is only given that attention maybe once or twice a year. I have came across many wives while in the business and they all have the same perception in bedded in their heads as some of you do on what type of person, stereotype and assuming. The one big other one listening to their girlfriends. Take heed to what they say, keep it as an fyi, don't listen to them. So I would suggest to bring her on down. That happens, and believe me when I say it is then an eye opener to the wife. I didn't do or say anything different to the guy due to his wife being present. So he couldn't and wouldn't be able to act any different from her not being there. Now he isn't going to come straight out and tell you why those clubs interest him so much or to as why he got to be all hush hush about it. I say the only way to find the answer to those questions is go with him one time and watch him.
Darcy I believe you should always forgive, but that does not mean forget about it. What I gather from what you've shared is that it sounds to me that you need, want or like confronting him for being dishonest to you. Do you ever ask yourself by acting that way could be the reason why he say and does what he does? I'm not saying that this should be a reason for it, just saying. I know from my past and present relationship and watching others. That if a man feels or have that indication that you are talking at them and not to them of what they did or did not do. They will just do it anyway out of spite. I always say to my husband I'm your wife not your mother! LOL!!
It's time to break that cycle, cause in his mind and what he could be mentioning to the fellas is that he just tell you whatever, you'll go along with, then you'll find out from word of mouth, trip for a minute then you'll be cool once again. That right there makes you predicatable for him. He gave it some time, not long and do it all over again. I understand you were upset and everything and thats why I say when he returned back wasn't such a good time to ask questions. It became heated and escalated. You should have slept on it and woke up with a clear head and just let it be known to him that you knew he went to the club and left it like that. So going to a strip club wouldn't be cheating. He comes home at night right, regardless of the time. Some men wouldn't come home for days, weeks, or not at all.Tone it down some, he may want to open up to you, but he feels as if you shut him down for whatever reason. I know I'm flip flopping around, its just a lot that I can say and cover. I could go on and on with this situation.
Also when I was in the business a lot times the client would be talking about his wife. He is not going to take you serious unless you start showing it instead of always saying it to him a lot of times. Ok I'm stopping now. I would have kept typing and typing. If you can Darcy I recommend that you rent or buy The Players Club and watch it. This movie will give you an ideal on how some strippers are and not, as well as customers.
Don't hate the strippers/go go dancers, hate the game. Again sorry if anyone takes to offense, just keeping it real...
Just had a lot to say and even more. If need to send me a private message or what not.. Keep an open Mind..

Dawn - posted on 10/27/2010

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Problem is, they usually cross the line eventually if they are submersing themselves in strip cluba and porno. The temptation is too great, no matter how much they love their spouse!

[deleted account]

I think you need to decide what is cheating to you and ask your husband what is cheating to him. Everyone is different and has different boundaries. Discuss with each other your boundaries on this and other things. Make sure that you BOTH know and respect each others boundaries.
good luck and god bless

Brandy - posted on 10/27/2010

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i cant believe that someone would actually post a lecture to you on why its ok for your husband to be aroused by other women, what i got from your question is it cheating is that you were wondering if you are over reacting and i dont think you are in the least. and just because most men enjoy porn etc... does not mean that they cant control themselves.

Zara - posted on 10/27/2010

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i totally agree with you bonnie.. i consider anything other than a quick brief hug cheating.. i hate that line in the movies 'but she kissed me!' uh sorry mate for one you shouldnt have been in that situation for that to happen in the first place n second you let her kiss you!.. way off subject here but i strongly think that this is cheating.and completely wrong of him to lie to you about it.. :/.

Karin - posted on 10/26/2010

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My heart goes out to you, but the practical side of me is screaming "Protect yourself first!". You don't know what he has been "given" from another woman.
I agree with the others, if he's lying, then he's hiding it. If he's hiding it so blithely, then he's done this many times before, and has fooled himself into thinking that it's no big deal, that it's ok.
From your words in the original post, it's not, and you need to figure out what's cheating in YOUR mind, not ours. You have to deal with the consequences of what he does not only for yourself, but for your children as well.
I wish there was something more than words that we could do to help!

[deleted account]

Yes not because of what he did but because of what he thought about it. He wouldn't have lied if he thought it was acceptable. Me and my husband have gone to strip clubs and watched porn together but I would still feel like he cheated if he lied and got a private dance.

Kimberly (Edwards) - posted on 10/26/2010

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My opinion is YES it is cheating! You are married! It isn't some kind of BF/GF deal! Married men don't go to strip clubs and those kind of places they are for bachelors! If he would pay a stripper to give him a lap dance then he would probably have sex with some home-wrecker for free! You obviously do not trust him, or you wouldn't have posted this! A marriage without trust isn't much of a marriage at all! I think if a man that truly loves his woman he wouldn't need to go anywhere else for anything! NO EXCUSES! No one can really tell you what to do because you are the only one who knows all the ins and outs of your marriage! If he would go through that much trouble to lie to you when he is at home then there is no telling what he is lying about when he is away in the oilfields! I feel like I am being harsh but to me cheating is cruelest thing someone could ever do to the person they "love"! I hope you get to the bottom of it all and that you make the best decision for you and your kids! After all if your boys ever find out about it, it could leave the wrong impression on them! They may think what he is doing is fine! You don't want that! Think about it like this if your roles were reversed and, you were the one who went to a strip club and paid for a lap dance in a private room, do you think you would feel guilty? Would you consider it cheating on him? In my mind if you have to hide what you are doing from your spouse then you are in the wrong! I hope this helped and I hope I didn't offend you in any way! That was not my intentions if I did! Good Luck! and I wish you all the happiness in the world!

[deleted account]

I would not tolerate lying, sneaking, or not answering the phone when you call or calling back promptly (phones are appendages these days, there is NO excuse for not answering), also I wouldn NOT tolerate them dissappearing for hours. My ex did that, NEVER again. And he did cheat. As for my hubby now, even when we are pissed we have boundary lines we never cross. Never lying, sneaking, running off, or not answering the phones. Even when pissed at each other we always answer. I think those should be your real concerns. As for cheating, only you can decide what you are comfortable with and if he loves you he will respect that. I have a subscription to Playboy, we watch porn together, and we go to stip clubs together. But if I said no more to any of that, my husband would do as I ask. Hope this helps!

Vegemite - posted on 10/25/2010

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Wow he's definately not telling you everything because I know a $20 lap dance doesn't happen in a private room. Yes having another person do favours of that kind paying them or not is cheating.

Brandy - posted on 10/25/2010

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im not even going to read the other comments posted on this issue so forgive me if i repeat anything thats already been said but i have some very strong opinions on this subject.
part of being in a committed relationship is honesty and respect, and it sounds like you arent getting either from this guy, he is taking advantage of you. he knows that it bothers you thats why hes lying and sneaking to begin with and he knows how much it hurts you yet he continues to do it. he knows what is expected in your marriage, it doesnt matter what the other wives are letting their husbands do because as a couple the two of you have your own expectations and boundaries. you dont deserve that from anyone especially from your husband and if you have given him chance after chance then maybe its time for you to make some demands. if i were you i would give him an utimatum tell him what you expect from him and if he doesnt comply youre leaving or kicking him out or whatever. chances are he will screw it up again because he wont believe you and so you just have to be willing to accept that and live your life without him. unless you want this to continue. dont be afraid to stand up for yourself you are worth it!

Cristina - posted on 10/25/2010

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Hi,

well what can I tell you, this is a very sore subject that I know many women have gone through, as I see it honestly your husband has no need for porn or places like that, in my eyes you should be his all, that's why you two got married, to me that is cheating, just because he lies constantly, he is also giving a grave example to your children, you have to make a choice and see what is better for you and yours, and your piece of mind. Maybe therapy for you both as a couple, it sometimes helps the person with the problem open up and share what he feels he needs and is looking for in the WRONG places, because porn and strip clubs are just taking him on the road way away from you, finally in the end you have to ask yourself, where do you see yourself in the future? Either old and bitter with a littler nasty horny toad of a husband or alone and maybe happy in the end, or even better with him trying to get your relationship back to a healthy place, the choice is yours. good luck.

Tracy - posted on 10/25/2010

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Anything that your partner does that he WOULDNT do in front of you or tell you about is considered cheating.

Melissa - posted on 10/25/2010

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I think it depends. In your case I'd consider it cheating because he was not honest with you and he is sneaky about it. You don't have a need to lie to you wife when you are doing anything wrong, right? If he knows you will get mad, why do it in the first place? You have to get to the root of this need to lie. Trust is earned. It is something that can breakdown ten times more easily than it can be built up. Let him know this.

Kimberly - posted on 10/25/2010

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darcy,
i was just resently in that same spot as you are with the porn and the lieing about where he has been and i have been going through it for 4 years now and i had to draw the line somewhere.. question you need to answer and it is do you want to keep being married to man that u cant trust. and the other is if you have kids they can tell when u and daddy are having troubles and they react off that.. do you really want to put the kids through anymore of the emotional roller coaster that you and your husband has been on lately? and how much longer will you tolderate him miss treating you like this?
i had to take time to think about that and i left him really fast..

Jenni - posted on 10/25/2010

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I would suggest some councilling if you want to save your marriage.

Cheating is really anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Lying is even worse... he has lost your trust and trust is the corner stone of marriage or any relationship. Without it everything else breaks down.

You caught him this time. What else has he been up to where you haven't caught him. I know if my man was staying out all hours of the night I'd have little doubt in my mind what he 'could' be up to. Especially if I know he's untrustworthy. I'm sorry to say but I think you've only seen the tip of the iceburg. He needs to come completely clean and be willing to change his ways in order to save the marriage.

Kat - posted on 10/24/2010

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Personally, I would take it as cheating first of because he was in a private room, which if he was just lieing to you about where he was going why wouldn't he lie about what happened in there? second he had no problem lieing straight to your face about it, if he hasn't cheated already he is not far from it. If my husband did this I would be just as mad if not worse then you are. but all the ladies on here saying it's really where you cross the line are right, no one else can tell you when you think things have crossed a line.

Tegan - posted on 10/24/2010

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Darcy, Ultimately if you feel like its cheating then yes it is. Id only take so much lying and deception, you dont deserve that.

Leslee - posted on 10/24/2010

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Same thing happened to me and I say just trust your instinct. It sucks that they think there is something someone other than us can do. I won't tell you to let it go because I haven't but I do say try. To answer your question a lap dance isn't cheating

Stephanie - posted on 10/24/2010

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Personally if it was me i dont think i could forgive that. If he is sneaking away and lying ab it to go to a strip club and paying another female for interaction no matter what kind to me thats just not right. i understand you married him and want things to work but also think of it this way, if he is doing this whoses to say hes not finding other females to get "friendly" with? That puts you in danger of catching something. I've never personally been n your shoes but i would seriously consider getting out! Best of luck to you and i hope you end up happy n the end!

Rachelle - posted on 10/24/2010

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Cheating or not cheating, he isnt be a faithful husband in other ways. One lie leads to another lie and then a hundred more lies. Its hard to determine if thats cheating or not but not to be negative but if he so clearly lied about going and getting the lap dance then there is most likely more to hide. Why is a married man going out all night all the time with his stay at home wife and mom there waiting for him. After 12 years Im sure this is the hardest thing to walk away from and not saying you should but hes not being a faithful husband in any of the negative ways hes acting. I personally would think a lap dance in a private room is cheating,especially since lap dances are done outside the private rooms, so we all know what the private rooms are for, its no secret. You have to make sure you are being respected as a woman, wife and mom. This is a hard one though. Never easy to deal with

[deleted account]

NO ...If you are that lonely then tell your husband your extremely lonely.... and if that does not work then simply leave... i have seen way too many ugly custody battles and what the children also go through when someone has cheated..it's complete hell for them...they are too young to understand and what kid really wants to admit of being raised in a broken home....think about the kids and go get a toy who will always be there and never talk back:)

Alexis - posted on 10/24/2010

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Cheating to me is defined by the couples involved. Some couples are ok with open marriages and it is only considered cheating if one of the couples is not informed of the other people. Some couples view porn and strippers as cheating. If you feel that this is crossing your marital lines and view it as cheating then 1. make sure he knows what you feel is cheating or crossing the marital line 2. that you will not put up with it. 3. I would try to go to counseling to find out why he is acting out like this, it doesn't sound like he was always like this.

Megan - posted on 10/24/2010

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i would sit down with him and discuss how immature he is and basicly tell him to grow up and be a husband & father not some little teenager otherwise there really is no relationship you have kids to look after why should you have to look after him aswell staying up all night worrying thats unfair on you

Sal - posted on 10/24/2010

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if your husband thought he had to lie to you about it then he thinks it is cheating.....

Krystle - posted on 10/23/2010

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Hummm that's a tough question. What you need to do is decide how YOU feel about it.

For me, I don't have a problem if my husband goes to the strippers once and a while or if he get's a lap dance. But I would have a problem with the lying! WHY is he lying? What else is he covering up?!

Do you think he's lying about going to strippers *just* because he knows you don't like it or do you feel like he's lying about more?

[deleted account]

I think it is safe to say that this is cheating. Another woman was touching your husband with his consent. It doesn't need to go further than that. She rubbed up against him in a sexual manner. He clearly knows this is cheating because he lied about it the whole time. I believe that even looking at another woman with lust is cheating. Since this isn't the first time he's made this mistake, I would say what is the point of prolonging the inevitable? He clearly wants something more than you can give him, so let him have it. Ultimately, it's up to you, but since you asked for opinions, I would say the marriage is over.

Victoria - posted on 10/23/2010

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You should be more concerned at how easily he can lie to your face, than the fact that he got a lap dance. Both are horrible, but the lying is just as bad!

Heidi - posted on 10/23/2010

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sorry to here that. i thought it was hard not having my husbeen help out a lot. but if he was going to the strib club all the time not good. my husbeen has been a few time with friends but he never lied to me. he ask me before he gose.

Kristy - posted on 10/23/2010

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Yes, to me it is cheating... I had the problem with porn with my husband before we got married, so far (as far as I know of course) he hasnt gone down that path (I to am a stay at home mom so I think I would notice if that discusting stuff was in my home) I believe that if he lusts after anyone other than you to me its cheating...

April - posted on 10/23/2010

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I think that you should leave him or if you want to stick with him through all you have been through, maybe you should see if he will go to some kind of counseling or just leave him

Michelle - posted on 10/23/2010

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before me and my now husband got together he was in the marines...he LOVED strip clubs, LOVED porn..i found some in his room when we started dating and made him through it away...when i was about 6 month pregnant, i got a kidney infection and was in so much pain...well i found out about 2-3 weeks later..that he had bought porn with my credit card...lets just say...i wanted to smack him...me and him didnt talk for about 2 days which was hard since we lived together...we finally talked about it and i told him...either porn or me, and he or course picked me...i do consider porn and strip clubs as cheating and have never allowed it in my relationship.

Charlotte - posted on 10/23/2010

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For starters I'd say it's cheating, he lied to you and what he lied about was something sexual involving another woman! Even if he didn't kiss her or sleep with her that makes no difference in my opinion.
You say you married him through thick and thin but he married you too! But he isn't respecting your marriage by lying and paying girls for danses. Porn is one thing, I don't much like it but I can accept it but a strip club! No way! Especially as it's so degrading to women!
I think a therapy would be a good idea.

Charity - posted on 10/23/2010

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I am so sorry for you! I really hate the mentality of our society that says that men need sexual stimilus more than women, as an excuse for poor behavior! Men may be hardwired to want sex more often, and think of it more, but that does not give them the right to look at porn, or go to strip clubs. My husband knows that If I am not enough for him, he doesn't get me agian. I made my point clear before we were married. We try to keep things interesting in the bedroom together, I suggest "making" our own porn (No videos or pics, just pretend) when he is feeling like he wants to watch it. He always is happy to use my suggestion, the other won't get him in my bed:)
I would consider that your husband has a problem, maybe even an addition, and needs help. You deserve to be able to trust your husband, but I think that you should try to forgive him to this point, and help him get help. He is only a breath away from cheating physically, (the defination being intercourse, but emotionaly, he already has cheated)
you have every right to be upset and offended and hurt, I would be!!!
I would seek help from a pastor, or counselor, maybe even marrige counseling if you can get you husband to go, Good luck!

[deleted account]

Every relationship is different and the lines between what's acceptable and unacceptable shift from person to person. My husband and I are on the same page when it comes to porn and strip clubs. I don't like the idea of him looking at other women in a sexual manner and he loves and respects me enough not to do it. My friend and her husband don't have a problem with it and they both go (he to watch women, her to watch men). I think your problem is that he's lying. If he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, then there's no reason to lie, but he did (does). To me, that is the bigger problem. I think you two need to sit down and find a way to get back on the same page. Good luck girl :)

Dawn - posted on 10/23/2010

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I feel for you dear. I went through hell, porno, lies, and strip clubs with my EX-HUSBAND. My current husband wouldn't even consider it..but here is the deal: We just have DIFFERENT issues than my last marriage. Every relationship has them. Older and wiser now, I would have gotten counseling and fought harder to save my last marriage. It's VERY difficult being seperated and switching 3 children here and there for visitation. Not to mention, the emotional toll it takes on the kids involved. Then you have the "blended family" issues with a new partner. It's just not worth it. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him this behavior HAS to stop or this marriage is over. Tell him calmly to show ur serious, not just out or anger. Then find a place, make an appt, and TELL him the two of you are going to counseling. Marriage is forerver, for better or worse. If it doesn't work, then you can at least say you tried everything and move on guilt free. I also recommend working on yourself. Go tan, get ur nails done, make it a point to fix yourself up everyday. I want to you to look in the mirror and like what YOU see, because a man addicted to stuff like that rips a woman's self esteem apart. Its not you, or anything you do or dont do. Its him. Also, start going out when he gets home. Go to the mall and walk around, go to get your nails done, go walk in a park, call a friend and go have coffee, but don't always be there at his beckoning call. I hope this helps. I know the pain he is causing you. Been there.
Dawn

Jessika - posted on 10/22/2010

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if you feel that he crossed the line then you should let him know. my fiance cheated on me with my COUSIN and i know caps dont push my point any further along but it was right in front of my face and i was in denial and i cant trust him to go to a grocery store by himself so if that feeling is there, act on it.

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