What do you do when you've tried everything for discipline, and nothing seems to be working!!

Ashley - posted on 03/28/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have two boys, one is 6 and the other one is 3. I would say that they are pretty well respectable, BUT lately things are getting to be so difficult. The attitudes that they have are getting harder and harder to deal with, and my husband is in the military and not always around, so when he's not here its hard for us, and when he is here they listen to him more than they do me. I have tried putting my foot down harder but its just not working, my 3 year old is so defiant and stubborn, and my 6 year old will just back talk me, and tell me you dont scare me only daddy does..



Any advice will be greatly appreicated............

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Kristin - posted on 03/28/2010

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Kids can be manipulative, little mercenaries. If you need to, treat them as such. You are in an especially tough spot with Dad being away so much. I can only suggest that you keep calm and consistent with your discipline efforts. Time out will work with both of them as will revoking priviledges. Tell them what they are doing that is inappropriate and that is why they are going into time out.



On the flip side, always praise them for doing the things you want them to do. This will work so much faster. They want to please you and will work to get more of the positive attention.



Good luck.

Steffanie - posted on 03/28/2010

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I have the same problem, but my kid is 14, and is Mr. Attitude. When I ask him to do things, it takes him forever to do. If he cannot help me around the house, and do his share, than we it comes to getting the new video game he must have, he has to find another way to get it. I also had many years raising boys alone, either being divorced, or my ex husband being in lala land... It is not easy. At your kids age consistency is the key. Make chores age appropriate and directions easy to follow. IF they are acting out because daddy is gone, acknowledge their feelings. I understand you miss daddy, I miss daddy too... If they are disrespectful to you, than time out, taking away favorite toy, turning off favorite TV show, video game, ect. You also have to be respectful of them. Use a direct voice, telling them what action you don't like. Make the directions clear, easy to understand and easy to follow. Talk at their level, ie when speaking to them squat down so your eye level with them. Make rules of your household easy to follow such as at school, and post them. IE Keep your hands to yourself. Clean up toys after playing with them. Have a set bedtime and routine down everyday. Many kids like consistency. Have them up at a certain time, breakfast, baths, bed... Many kids their age love a reward system. Have a chart made up, using stickers, and have them help. When the kids follow the rules, you give them reward.. IE Both kids do chores, and don't act up a trip to Chuck-E-Cheese... If they are good for the day, maybe letting them pick out a story, a half an hour more of TV.. Ect. I hope this suggestions helped. I know it isn't easy, and I wish the best luck to you.

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Kayleigh - posted on 03/21/2014

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Thank you Stephanie Webb. I am going to try this and I am going to stick to this if it works (hope so). :)

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I'm in the same boat too. I have kids 6, 4, and 3. They are behaved most the time. But do not listen always right away. They know the saying "I will obey right away, all the way, and with a good aditude" but that don't live~ it very well. I have found my down fall is not talking about whhy my daughter(the 4 year old) acts with a first whine of nooo insted i get laud too. ..(oops) (and the 3 year old following suit now..ahh)
I have a few rules (that at times are broken .. but never harsh disrespect to me..copt my 3 year old saying im mean..=( ) but the rules is we use our words to edify and corect and talk with care to those around us. And if it is broken and they disrespect me with their words i will send them to their room till i call them(or go to them) and ask if they have a better way to say it. and if it was flat out them trying to hurt me(You can tell the diffrance once the rules are set in place) A child of 6 after a month of set in stone rules will be able to follow threw. Like "no rude disrespectful/un caring words or actions or this(insert what is seen as a good punishment) will happen".
If they are going out of their way to be rude i will tell them that they will be going to bed 15 mins (or 20 if they ague about it) erlyer that night. And if the disrespect continues bed right away and out for dinner. and then a touch up of their chores and then bed preperation is done then bed time early. (and it will take their practice to stop when they know better, but don't ease off just because they are learning.. keep with it)
Don't think that Your kids have to be scared. Thats not obedience. Thats just fear there is a good sense of im scared to be disrespectful but not because they think You are going to snap and hurt them. (and im a mother who spanks when it is needed but never when i am angery.)
Kids just need to know there is a limit and that You are in control. And that their actions and words do mean something about who they are. There is no nice action for a child to tell you they are not scared of you. ..thats trite.
Be in control of Your self as You are directing them what is good and bad.
..help them know You want to understand them when they act out.. and listen to it. it might be out there because they haven't learned to pinpoint their feelings(but they can~ not always right away but they can at the age 5-7) they just need You to open them up and listen to get it. once You see You can change Your attitude be for it gets ugly~ ha
..One thing i don't do well is listing to ppl's excuses. If it isn't excusable then there should never be an excuse. But hear how they are feeling and help them understand the importance of listing and being kind with words.
And its not to make You happy. But to keep them safe and to help them think clearly over situations and with observation (as they get older) they will understand the world. (hopfuly) with a level head and grow to be a good person. And i talk to my kids any age that is what good listening/obeying is about ..
tho its still a work in progress.. i have a hot temper my self.. and i often yell. ..*sigh* and i know that is why my daughter has to work so hard on her own hot temper and lack of pasiance..
Tho i do count it as a win when my daughter(or any of my kids) comes up to me and says they are sorry for a simple wining(that i didn't call them out on.. like when they are tired or that i was just to busy to talk about it then..) =) my daughter did that just a few days ago.

Kayleigh - posted on 03/20/2014

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HELP :( my daughter is 7 and she is so naughty. I have tried everything from time out to the naughty step to bed. I feel like i am fighting a losing battle with her everything is "I dont care any way I can move if I want I can go anywhere I want" Its really getting me down and I am need of some advice or help. She just does not listen to a word i say. :( thank you

Paula - posted on 09/16/2013

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When mine was 3, I played crying....... when she was 6.......she laughed at me so
I had to give her a little bit of a silent treatment...... that lasted 30 seconds........
Now I don't have a clue, she's 7 and starting to show some serious oats. My
Mom had a serious wooden spoon issue.........three kids.............can't do that though-
we go to jail................
BEST BOOK SO FAR I'VE SEEN - Amazon - "Have a new kid by Friday"
Check it out

Kelly - posted on 03/28/2010

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Wow that is tough. I guess many of us were raised in a situation of fear=discipline=good behavior, and that is one way to teach our kids. If they are worried about the consequences of their actions resulting in say, a spanking, then they should, in theory, behave the way we want. But if that isn't working, maybe you could try to explain to them why you require them to act a certain way. This would probably work better on your 6 year old than the little one, but hopefully by the big brother's example, the younger will learn as well. What I mean is, if you get in the habit of discussing things with them as a family, for instance, as you pick up toys you can talk about how much nicer it is to be able to walk through the room without stepping on something and hurting your foot, and when you can walk through their room easily it makes it easier if they have to get up during the night or they need you to come in there to them. Or if you are trying to get them to behave out in public, you can talk about how much everyone around them appreciates children not running around, making noise, touching things they shouldn't, etc. My kids are 18, 16, 8 and 4. I admit when my older ones were younger, they did get yelled at and spanked sometimes for misbehaving, but as I have gotten older (and I'm sure mellower), I have tried to treat them like real people HAHA, and let them see that when they break the rules or don't act responsibly, ultimately it is themselves that it hurts. This is a lesson they must learn, because as they get older they must understand that their actions have consequences, in school, in work, and in their relationships with others. You can use other kids as an example. I always tell mine "to have a friend, you have to be a friend" and things like that. Treating others kindly and respectfully will result in people treating them better. As for the physical side of discipline, I have found that "getting their ear" works well. I will tell them something once or maybe twice, and if I have to come to them and get hold of their ear, they WILL respond, because I leave them no choice. I don't believe in telling them something over and over. You just have to go to them, look them in the eye, and if necessary physically remove them from the situation. I agree that you have to be consistent, and never ever threaten something you won't follow through on, or say no and then change your mind. They learn to play you if you are wishy-washy. Of course, raising kids is a process, and it all takes time, and things are not always going to be perfect, because that is life. But my kids are turning out really great, and hopefully your boys will too, and you can look back and know that you did some things right! These are just some rambling thoughts from an "older" mom. Good luck to you!

Adrienne - posted on 03/28/2010

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Ashley,

we are military too and it is real hard to stay consistent. I have found that when I keep my voice at the same level and only say it once to the kids, this works better . I normally tell them what I want and what is the consequences if they do not do it and then tell them what I want them to do...it took about a month of this before I started to see some results as they realised that I was not joking and they actually had to do what I said... If I am going somewhere , I normally turn the radio off in the car 5 minutes before we get there and tell them what I expect of them and again the conseqeunce of not behaving and i will say that really works. It's hard and I have had times where I have told the kids that if the behavior does not improve , I will turn the car around and go home..and have done this..it is amazing the results...hope this helps.

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