What should I do next ?

Margaret - posted on 12/16/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My 19 year old daughter told me she was smoking pot. Tryed to talk with her and it became a big mess and she left crying. What can I do next to help[ her so she will stop?

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Veronica - posted on 12/16/2009

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I worked in a drug/alcohol rehab for 5 years before I became a stay at home mom and one thing I learned is You cannot help her if she doesn't want to help herself, but you can encourage change. Plan an intervention, this can be yourself and some other family and friends and if you are unsure of how to proceed with such a thing, there is intervention specialists and you can get names of them in your area by calling your local counseling agency. Addiction is a very tricky disease and there is no miracle cure. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.

Lisa - posted on 12/16/2009

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I agree with Megan (above). Once your child is 19, you can't "make" her do anything. You can make it clear that you don't approve. You can forbid it in your own home. You can tell her to move out (if she still lives at home) if she refuses to respect your rules. Your only real power in this situation is over how you respond to her.

I would be clear about my values and rules in my home, tell her that I love her and ask her to respect the fact that I am not going to support her behavior in any way. It is a hard truth for some young people to learn that unconditional Mommy love does not equal unconditional support of stupid behavior.

It may be that she told you about it, not because she wanted help but because she knows deep down that it isn't right and she was trying to get you to approve so she wouldn't feel guilty. Don't give her that comfort. You don't need to be hateful about it, but she needs to know that she is disappointing you. Draw the line about how you will NOT support her behavior (giving her money, driving her places, etc.) and then don't step over that line.

Then just keep an eye on her. Watch for signs of serious trouble. Be ready to jump in with the Cavalry to help her out if you think she wants help to stop. Keep telling her that you love her, but don't EVER enable. Good luck.

Joanne - posted on 12/16/2009

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I have had the same conversation with my son who is adamant he does not want to stop socially but he did stop smoking with mates on a daily basis due too his sporting and school commitments...
I proved to him that it interferes with your brain whilst studying and fitness for sports.
I know in a perfect world that for them to stop would be great but it isn't a perfect world and all we can hope for is the best for our children no matter their age... not to be the best but to be or do their personal best.
I really want my boy to stop completely and i have encouraged him too slow down a lot in hoping that he will eventually stop.
Personally I find just being there and listening to him is the best I can do so I don't loose him to the drug or just loose him completely rather than arguing with him.
Unfortunately in my case he saw a lot of people in our family smoking it even though I didn't the majority did...
Just be there for her too listen too and encourage is my advice, I'd rather know where he is whilst doing it than not know
best of luck and sincere wishes Jo

Hdlb123 - posted on 12/16/2009

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If she wants to stop, offer her help without judging. Offer to get her counselling etc, whatever she feels she needs to stop smoking the pot, but make sure not to lecture or yell, that will just push her away.

Megan - posted on 12/16/2009

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Hard one.....she has to want to stop. I don't really know if there is anything you can do. She is 19 and i think if you try to do anything you might push her away, then on the other hand she did tell you so she may be deep down asking for help. Lets just hope she has gotten into any other drugs or won't get into any other drugs. Next time you try to talk to her try to stay calm and just let her know how you feel. That you are scared and worried for her, ect......try not to make it a fight more like a counseling session between you two and ask her if there is anything that you can do.

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