what to do??

Ashley - posted on 02/08/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )




ok heres the deal.. and the short story ... my husband to be and his mother havent talked in almost 2 years she missed out on most of our oldest daughters life so far and has never met our youngest ..on sat she finally talks to him ( not the best place for it ) we give her our number evn tho she knew it and she txted him after we left where we all were. now she hasnt made contact since ... he says hes gonna give her a chance if she makes effort to be back in his life then they will go from there,,, my problem is i dont know how i should be feeling about this .... like part of me is happy that he may have her backa round but the rest of me is so damn ticked at her still for everything she has done to everyone that i just dont know .. help!!!


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Ashley - posted on 02/10/2010




thanks everyone... heres the update so far she hasnt made a effort since the last txt she has not once asked about the kids which does tick me off a bit but as far as my husband goes he is not willing to let his guard down with her and not willing to let her in unless she makes a huge move to show she's worth it .. .

Kelly - posted on 02/10/2010




I agree with Olivia, I think your husband will always end up giving her another chance because that is his mother. She may have many faults (obviously), but the tie with a mother is just so hard to break, no matter what. And that is how it should be I guess. As a mother, I expect an unbreakable bond with my own kids, right? Also, this is a great opportunity to show an example of loving forgiveness and flexibility to your kids. I'm sure it is very hard to forgive, and probably impossible to forget, but if you can possibly rise above your feelings and honestly try to forgive her, hopefully it will bring your family closer and open the door to a wonderful relationship. If not, at least you know that you did everything you could. I hope this works out well for you! Good luck. It is also good to try to remember (something I have definitely figured out as I have gotten older), that some people only have so much to give, emotionally. Some people just can't look too far beyond themselves, and their own situations, to see how they could be a part of someone else's life. Maybe she just can't be the mother and grandmother that would be ideal, but if you can just accept whatever she does have to give, and not resent what she doesn't, it will be much easier to have some sort of relationship.

Olivia - posted on 02/10/2010




I completely understand and you have the right to feel however you want. Family is soo important, and since its a mom who is coming in and out of the picture it will be hard. Your husband will always want to give her a chance, because it is his mom and he is hoping that they may be able to once again get a relationship back. My mother and husband have such a hard time with eachother and it really stresses me out because I want both of them to be happy, and no matter what they and I do they still butt heads. I think that if you just support him in what he chooses to do, things will go alot smoother. I know its easier said then done, but in the end regardless of what happens your husband will be very thankful for you standing by him. Feel free to voice your concerns since this affects you and your kids as well as him, and in the end things will be ok. I hope things go well and I am here if you ever want to talk :)

Katie - posted on 02/10/2010




Treat her the way you would want her to treat you and if things do not change you just don't deal with her even if he still does.. Hang in there!! Just ask him not to talk about it with you because you do not like the way she treats you, tell him you are sorry to be mean or harsh but that is how you feel and he wouldn't want you to lie abut it right? But I don't think there is one right answer!! GOOD LUCK!!!

Kahne - posted on 02/10/2010




I have dealt with this exact issue.....

I was tired of trying....but my husband wanted to give in each time. She is the one missing out.... You cant make someone be involved & that is simply her loss. You husband will learn that soon enough... mine did.

Should you be mad? sure its ok....Should you intervene? It depends on if you want to be the one that stands up & tells your hubs you are done with it & then feel guilty later if you force him into a decision he isnt prepared for? Or are you willing to take a step back....let him hope & just be "aware" and guarding of the time with your kids so that they are not let down by her.

I dont feel like it is "our" (us as parents) duty to make sure we cater to the grandparents or make all the effort to have them in our kids lives. Yes invite them, yes tell them about the programs, the games etc.... And the rest needs to be up to them.

We are the ones that are busy raising a young family.....and you would think a grandmother would not want to miss an opportunity. But I have learned... regardless of who you think or who you want your parents to be like...sometimes they just arent the grandparents you hoped for or thought they would be.

Yes it hurts....because you as a parent probably cant even imagine doing this same thing to your child! But...as my counselor once said to me...

"Dont try to understand WHY she is not involved or acting how she is....because you wont ever understand. You feel one way, she feels another....its just beating a dead hose. You need to make a choice..... Either accept her for who she is & not complain.....Or walk away and move on.

Taryn - posted on 02/08/2010




you should feel torn. you love your family and hate this woman for what she has put you all through. But at the end of the day she is still his mother and your childrens grandmother. She should be a part of the'r lives and hopefully some time down the road you and her can build a relationship, but for now just be there for your fiance and support him as best you can. you love ham and he ans she should always known that. That's really all you can do. and make sure how your kids feel about her is brought into account too. like me i hate my mom but my son loves her so i sit there and listen to the poisin that leaves her mouth as long as it isn't going to bother my son or make him hate anyone just because she says so. i really hope di helped you out hun.

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