What to do with a father who isn't helping much?

Tara - posted on 03/15/2012 ( 79 moms have responded )

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Hi, I am new to this site... I am a 26 year old mother with 2 kids, one is 2 years, and the other is 1 year... I have a boyfriend of almost 4 years who is the fater, and is 11 years older than me. But he doesn't help me out much. Yes he works, and I stay home with the kids? But is it fair on the weekends that he can pretty much do anything, and I stay home. I cook, clean, do laundry, bath kids, play, go outside. We have little fights pretty much, everyday been like that for like 1 1/2 years. I just want some help of him. But don;t think im going to get. Is it better for me, to get day time job and work, and get my own place, or stay with the father for the kids? Thanks

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Medic - posted on 03/17/2012

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Why on earth do so many women allow horrid examples to be set for their kids? Is this how you want your daughters to live? Is this how you want your boys to treat women? Hell NO is my answer. If I am going to be doing it all on my own like a single parent I might as well be a single parent and get to show my kids a STRONG parent, not a DOORMAT. I am very lucky my hubby does almost everything and will do everything with the kids when I need a break. I honestly can't remember the last time I did the dishes, much less actually cooked a full meal by my self. It takes 2 to make the kids, it takes everyone in the house to mess it up well then EVERYONE in this house can help clean and BOTH people that made the kids can own up and be parents.

Karen - posted on 03/15/2012

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Many of us here are in that boat.



I will be straight forward, and use myself as an example.

I don't want to ever go back into the working world. I have anxiety just thinking about going on a job interview. My stay at home life has its ups and downs, but none of the downs are worse than the idea of going back to work!! YUCK!



I used to get mad that he weaseled his way out of anything house work. Men take out garbage, it's what they do, right? I know a man who owns a house worth half a mil and HE takes out the garbage! Not around here! That's me. I also do all the handy work too. I paint, I move furniture, I SQUASH BUGS! I do it all. I'm quite proud of that actually.



I am not the most sane person I know, but I make this life work for us. While it does annoy me that he gets away with so much, I am also sympathetic that he has to get up at 5am every morning and take a train into Philly. I am glad its him and not me!



I am not saying its OK for him to be like that with you. Even as cool as I pretend to be about it, sometimes I still grit my teeth at certain, inexcusable things. You have to ask yourself if changing everything is worth it. If you were to move out and get a job, then you really would be doing all the work then!!

[deleted account]

Wow, I could have been you 5 years ago minus the second kid. My husband is also 11 years older than me, and when I was 26 & J (our son) was 2, we were having some SERIOUS issues with the responsibility divide!



Housework was my domain, I didn't mind that, but I would not tolerate him not spending time with our son. To balance it out, I told him that he would be responsible for the bedtime routine every evening--this gives him some one on one bonding time with J, and it gives me a few free moments to finish up after dinner before we settle down for the evening. Another plus was that it freed me up to spend time with my husband after J was in bed, whereas before, I still had the kitchen to clean up, and prep for the next morning to do.



Weekends were our biggest sore spot. I hated that he got to relax while my week just went on and on and on and on without end. To address this, I started planning weekend activities for us to do as a family OUT of the house. Day hikes, camping, bike trails, movies, museums, parks, etc. And is I needed a break myself, I would book dh a tee off at the club and treat it like I'm doing him a favor: "Hi love! I booked you a tee off Saturday at 9, but try to make it home by 3 because I have some errands to run" (those errands being a massage and wrap at the spa).



Don't lie though, If he asks, I tell him I'm going to the spa, that I need a break and I'm sure he does too, and that's why I booked the golf game.

LexI - posted on 04/04/2012

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If your not happy you should get your own place before you blink and be 50 and by then have let your entire life past you by with the man who is suppose to be your support system but could care less about your happiness.

[deleted account]

Jenni, what if a woman doesn't feel pride in taking care of her house? What if your daughter doesn't like housework and prefers to be an attorney, will she have the skill set she needs to succeed in whatever choice she makes, or are you teaching her that she can do nothing but run a household?



Also, how do you decide which chores are "manly" and which are "womanly"?

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Samantha - posted on 05/03/2012

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I would do absolutely nothing for a day or 2 or more until hubby notices and says something about it then say to him.... I have been feeling like I do everything and then some and you don't help out or appreciate any of it just because what you work a job out of home that makes money? Well I already know I can do all of this stuff with out help from you and you don't even pay much attention to your kid and I am not with you for your money so I might as well move on on my own and find someone who wants to be a real man.

Samantha - posted on 05/03/2012

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I would do absolutely nothing for a day or 2 or more until hubby notices and says something about it then say to him.... I have been feeling like I do everything and then some and you don't help out or appreciate any of it just because what you work a job out of home that makes money? Well I already know I can do all of this stuff with out help from you and you don't even pay much attention to your kid and I am not with you for your money so I might as well move on on my own and find someone who wants to be a real man.

Nicole - posted on 04/29/2012

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Thanks Michelle,
'Mods' like you makes communicating via "circle of moms" really
Encouraging. Thanks! Keep up the good work.

Jennifer - posted on 04/28/2012

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The only suggestion I can give would be to do what it takes to make you happy. Don't worry about him, the marriage or anything else for that matter. Focus on being a good mom and getting everything together for them kids. A bad marriage is not better than no marriage. Its not good for you its not good for the kids. In my opnion it is more selfish to stay in a marriage for the kids when they see you are unhappy, fussing, and everything. The best thing you can do for the kids sometimes is to let go and move on. Yes it hurts but at the same time think of the values you teach your kids by staying in a bad marriage

Jennifer - posted on 04/28/2012

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I say do what is best for your mental and emotional state. Sure you don't want your kids to grow up with out their dad but if he is not there other than the financial then he is not there. My SO is in the kitchen right now doing the dishes while I hold our gassy newborn girl. I have no problem asking for help. He works I stay home and go to school online. Do what you feel is best if it is taking a toll on your emotions then you are not able to be the best mommy you can be.

Sara - posted on 04/26/2012

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I go through a very similar situation. Im a stay at home mom of a 3 year old boy and 2 year old girl. My husband is an underground miner and works 12 hour shifts, plus drives and hour to work and an hour back. We used to live closer to his work but moved to live in a better town with a better school district. He works 4 days and then has 4 days off now. We used to fight all the time because he hardly ever helped around the house and is very lazy on his days off. We have gone to counseling but it really didnt help. We are now working on things better. I do everything for the house: cleaning, cooking, laundry, yard work, take care of the kids and house full of pets, and make sure all the bills are paid. His friends like to crack jokes about it being his money and not mine, and that he bought me a new truck but he got a new car. But really, our new understanding is that my job is harder than anyones. I promised to stop demanding him to do stuff if he would simply clean up after himself and make sure the kids get enough attention from him. On his 4 days off he gets a "man" day and I get a free day as well. Its been working for the past couple months.

Jessica - posted on 04/26/2012

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Im going through kind of the same thing with my man i have a new born baby girl and im also a new mom and he works and hes home on the weekends and he dosent help he never stays up with her or takes care of her so i understand were your coming from and i feel the same way i should just get a night job so he has to step up and wont have any choice

Marie D - posted on 04/26/2012

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WOW I thought I was the only one who lived a life like this. My hubby and I are 8 years a part and I have a daughter who is his step daughter and we have a son together. The worse part is I lost my job, his mom all at the same time and we had to sell our dream home and move in with my father n law AND brother n law. You want to talk about 2 lazy boys. One is 41 and the other is 48 and they don't do anything. My father n law and I handle it ALL. The worst part is my father n law has very bad rhumatoid arthritis and last year we almost lost him in a huge battle with bleeding ulcers and this year he has taken a fall and is healing very slowly which puts everything on me. These guys are so old school they want dinner on the table @ 5:00 etc etc etc. I have an 11 and a 5 year old. Issues with the x husband and issues with being a stay @ home mom, HOWEVER, I wouldn't change it for the world. I have also often thought about leaving but being divorced once is bad enough and sometimes I know staying together for the kids is wrong but I can't go thru that HUGE HEADACHE so I just deal with it. My hubby is the same he works very hard and is GREAT at what he does but he isn't any good at housework or outside work. He helps cook which is a plus but there are soooooooooo many other things he doesn't do it drives me crazy. The same on the weekends he just wants to lay around watch tv and do nothing and I'm rammy and ready to go because I've been cooped up with the kids all week. I don't have many friends so I don't do a lot on my own. I have been in therapy and one thing I have learned is instead of nagging which I do all the time and he just tunes me out, just sit down and ask for his help, make him feel like he is really needed at home as much as he is at work, another words stroke his ego. It's very hard for me to do because I get to my boiling point then explode and then get help but it never lasts. I'm trying really hard because I see the kids are picking up bad habits from my 41 and 48 year old children and when I see that happen it drives me crazy so I deal with the kids differently and explain just because the older guys do it doesn't mean they can and I set up MY expectations of what I want from the kids so hopefully they don't carry along the laziness etc. I can't really blame my hubby and his brother because they are very spoiled. My father n law does everything from my brother n law, laundry, cleans his room, does his bed sheets etc. YUCK don't want that for my kids. Hope some of this helps I have read a lot and you are all too funny this is a GREAT venting place maybe if I vent here I won't be so tense with him and things might loosen up around here tx

Jessica - posted on 04/25/2012

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There is two sides to this situation that are tough to consider.



One side is you could take a parenting or couples counseling to try and communicate more and get assistance. It may help or steer you right out of the relationship. You certainly need help with domestic duties, parenting and need some time off for yourself or your friendships.



My father was older then my mom and didn't want to take on the responsibility of husband or father but still wanted to be called father. With them my mom left him cause she waited 2 years without success, even with the separation it only ended in divorce. For her and I the better choice was to get on with life without him.



The other side is staying for the kids. This will only make you resent yourself, possibly the kids and certainly him. You shouldn't have to waste your life with resentment and stress. Both shorten life spans. If you stay with the kids eventually it causes them greater pain because they start sensing and then witness the unhappiness in the relationship.

My mom did this with her second marriage to my dad. I was already on my own but my brothers were still in the house though they were teenagers. My mom spend several years staying with my dad and fought with him behind closed doors, this led to financial, emotional and mental destruction between them. Divorce was the only answer and what my mom didn't realize is my brothers were still in tune to their unhappiness.



Just ask yourself what is best for you. Your children will have their father as long as he wants that role, as for yourself you need happiness. So if there is no chance with him then leave him. I felt the pain from my father not wanting me but now I realize my mom made the very best decision for us.



Life is harder when you are leading the life you hate.

Stacey - posted on 04/25/2012

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oh I also wanted to say, if certain things are really important to you, make those the priority. If you don't want to have to be "on" all weekend, do the bare minimum. Make sure the laundry and cleaning is done by the weekend, and make quick easy meals. Use paper plates occasionally, don't pick up. For me, making healthy meals is a priority, but dust in the house doesn't bother me at all. The floor being swept is a priority, but the bathroom mirrors being dirty for a long time or the beds being made doesn't bother me. I used to try and do it all, daily, and that was short lived! I tried making my baby's baby food from scratch, never using a microwave to heat it(I think microwaves are unhealthy), and cooking 3 meals from scratch daily, all while keeping the house picked up and on top of laundry constantly. Oh and making sure DS had a craft or activity daily, and at least 2 playdates a week. ha ha, this lasted like 2 weeks when DD was a newborn and slept all the time. I now buy baby food pouches and use the microwave occasionally, and use paper plates once a week to cut down on dishes. I never thought I'd do any of those things, but you gotta do what keeps you sane and lower your expecations!

Stacey - posted on 04/25/2012

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My hubs is ADD and has a really hard time focusing long enough to get anything done, he takes his meds while he's working, but doesn't take them on the weekend, because he wants to give his body a break, and be more patient with the kids(he becomes less patient and hyper-focused on one thing when on meds), so during the week he has one personality and on the weekend he has a different personality. It's frustrating, because when he gets home from work, he's still in work mode, and tries to finish up some stuff that needs to be done(pay bills, make a phone call, fix something(he's super handy around the house, lol), and if there's time he helps out with something that I need help with and gets our son bathed and to bed. Then we usually have enough time to sit down for 30 min-hour and watch tv, then he goes to bed and I stay up for a bit since the kids sleep late. And he gets up and does it all over again. On the weekend while off the meds, we still have our schedule with the kids, but he is so all over the place he can't get anything done if he tries. I'm constantly reminding him to do this or that and its so frustrating sometimes. I wouldn't call my hubs lazy, just ADD and exhausted by the weekend. He does work his ass off. Doesn't mean I still don't wish he would have the energy to help out more around the house(he basically cleans up after himself and helps DS pick up toys and that's about it). I usually double check the curb on trash day to make sure the trash made it out in case he forgot. happens about 50 percent of the time. Honestly, many other people have said lower your expecations. It's certainly has helped me a lot! Doesn't mean I still don't get frustrated, but understanding that he will never meet all of my expectations, and making the attempt to stop trying has helped a lot. Now, you mentioned that he doesn't want to spend time with the kids? Are you talking one on one playing? I'm horrible at this as well. I don't know what kind of job your hubs has, but my husband has a physically demanding job, and when he gets home from work, he wants to relax. Not your typical daddy gets home and rough-houses with the boys, gets their energy out. He is pooped. He and our son will read books together or watch tv, or play out on the swingset. pretty low-key and doesn't require a lot of energy. Also, my husband did much better with our son when he hit 2 1/2. He's now 3 1/2 and they get along great and play and have fun together all the time. I never thought that day would come. He loves our daughter and plays with her too, but not as much as our son, and for shorter spurts. our daughter is only 10 months old, and he just doesn't do as well with the baby stage. Have you talked to your hubs about helping more? I've learned that men aren't mind-readers. Once I started speaking up, hubby started stepping it up a lot!

Stephanie - posted on 04/25/2012

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Hi there, I am 26 years old and a mother of 1. My husband is 12 years older then I am.

My husband and I were having the exact same difficulties, I actually sought out professional help because due to feelings of resentment towards my husband. I am a stay-at-home mother who loves my son dearly and really enjoys being the primary caretaker. What made it difficult on my marriage was my husband feeling it was 'only my job,' He felt since he brought in the income, he could just come home and plop himself on the couch and relax. It really changed our relationship I was begining to feel so alone and upset. Recently after a year of arguments reguarding his freedom to do as he pleases after work and on weekends, , it finally clicked for him. It feels great to feel as though I have a partener on my level, it allows me to feel 'equal.' Before things started getting better I thought about seeking out a job, but after really sitting down and weighting out my options I couldn't leave Nicholas. It gets better sweetie, hang in there and vent on this site, it really helps. Sometimes being able to vent to others whom relate to similar issues allows us to feel like were not alone, and not dealing with really 'issues' but complicating unreasoning that most mothers are facing. Let's be really honest, men really are not like women. I hope this helped a little =)

Kenettra - posted on 04/21/2012

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Get child support and let him go u can do better by yourself I'm a single mother of 3 children been doing it all alone I Have 3 loser deadbeat father's I've been through it all without any of them if u have any questions feel Free to asj

Kelly - posted on 04/21/2012

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Do what you feel is right and would make you happy because is you are not happy your kids will see that and it will make them unhappy. My daughters real father is a dead beat dad. Job after job and when she was 3 months old he stopped working all together. I had to get a job and support her and I. Then he wanted me to pay for daycare for her while he sat home on the couch all day. I saved up some money and left him. We also argued everyday. I was so unhappy. Then I went to school full time and worked full time for two years. I was able to make without him and u can do the same if you think it's necessary.

Charlene - posted on 04/18/2012

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My DD is 4 monhs old and he has never gotten uo during the night, bathed her without being asked, rocked her to sleep, cooked, cleaned or done the washing once like I do many times a day. His excuse is work ofcourse and he's tired. Big deal I say he's always worked so whats the diff now? He used to have energy for footty training and going out with mates so why not have the energy to play with your DD.

It really frustrates me too as you can see. Im starting to call him hurricane Aaron. I can clean and wash and cook all day and an hour after him being home- the house is trashed.

I dont think leaving is the answer. I think a serious conversation is in need and ask for help when you need it. I may have to nag to get a hand when im desperate but its worth it in the end.

Jennifer - posted on 04/16/2012

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mm she don't work so has no money and gonna take kids and leave wow i wonder where they'll go ,, and runing away don't salve it make him see it take ur day/ 2 hours if he's just stitting at home his not gonna just leave the kids home alone and go do what he wonts haha

Jennifer - posted on 04/16/2012

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MMMM i would put on the calender one day a week Saturday, mommy time and get up and say im gonna go out with friends or to a movie ect or even go out shopping be back later and just go I mean what is he gonna do leave the kids come on i never let it get that way i dont care how much older he is lol My boyfriend tells me that i need to get out and have fun no matter if he just got off work or not and parent time is great to we have our son go to his grandparents every weekend to he go's and plays on the farm hehe real parent time haha

Carey - posted on 04/14/2012

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I am sorry you are going thru all this. I totally understand I work and I also do everything around the house and do everything with our daughter. I have to say I do worry about how it is affecting her. She already realizes her father does not give her attention and I think kids realize it more then we know. It is very hard, and to give the child attention enough for both parents. I have to say I remember growing up my father worked 2 full time jobs and never slept but he alwasy had time for us kids. He was the best father ever so I do know its possible for these men to work and also help around the hosue alittle and spend time with their children. I also see how much my sig. other does not have a relationship with his mother at all now because she never had time for him then so he could care less now about her and I worry about my daughter later down the road doing/feeling the same way. I am very sorry but just a few points to maybe help you out. Please dont take offensive to anything I have said trust me I am in the same boat. I have often thought about getting our own place and leaving him as well.

Helen - posted on 04/13/2012

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dont ever stay with your partner for the kids the kids end up worse off cos they see or hear the fights they pick up on the tension and play one parent off against the other wich in turn causes more rows! if your not happy i can garentee your kids are not happy. im not saying leave him thats not up to me, but what i will say is try sort out the problems sit down and talk to him try come to some sort of agreement where its fair for both of you, if this dose not work then maybe you do need to leave and go it alone if not for you then for your children. they will be much happier im a single mum and prefer it this way i dont have the added stress and strains. i do hope you can work it out with your partener :) good luck

Niki - posted on 04/12/2012

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I would try some couples counseling, if he is not open to that then go for ur self and find out what will make u happy, and for me, I would never stay with someone just for the sake of the kids, cuz that never works and usually makes home life for the kids hell, cuz of the fighting and tension they are around all the time, and no matter how young or old the kids r they always know when something is not right with mom and dads relationship. I also would not want my kids to grow up with that kind of example of what a relationship between 2 people is like. I hope this helps

Tonya - posted on 04/11/2012

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LEAVE HIM you didn't make the kids by yourself he needs to help out just working isn't it tell him that if he doesn't start to help out around the house you will leave him

Marie - posted on 04/11/2012

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hello ladies,

all of your points have been noted and appreciated. when we see someone hurting as women we put aside logics and deal with emotions. we sympathize and we criticize. these are tools we use daily to protect and motivate our children. the feedback posts in this thread was well spoken. it would be wisdom to stop and really meditate on the provisions that we share with fellow soldiers to survive in this journey of motherhood.

Crystal - posted on 04/09/2012

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wow, no that is very unfair! I do the same but with one child and on the weekends her dad gets up real early and wakes me up to go relax in the spare bedroom, for as long as I want. This is done every Sat and Sun. I guess it also depends on the man too, my boyfriend can't get enough of spending time with his "poo poo" He is 47 and I am 33. His first child as well... If you are fighting everyday then that's worse for the children then trying to stay together just for kid's sake. It sounds like you need to move on or tell him your ready to go and see how he reacts to that! None of my business but if he's abusive in any way then I would just go without saying anything!

Amanda - posted on 04/09/2012

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no its not at all right. he helped make the babies he need to grow up already an help with HIS kids. its gross how fathers can be like that.

[deleted account]

I wouldn't put up with that at all! I take care of the boys all day and when my boyfriend gets home from work all he wants to do is be with the kids. For the longest time I hadn't changed a diaper in so long. He usually takes over the parenting role when he comes home and on the weekend. I have learned that is what a real man is! My ex husband was like your boyfriend and I would always make excuses like 'oh he works all day he deserves time to himself.' I totally see how immature he was and am happy I left that!

Eleni - posted on 04/08/2012

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This sounds just like my husband, very helpful this was and comforting to know im not alone

Eleni - posted on 04/08/2012

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omg I was recently feeling the same way and can relate totally, my daughter is sick for the first time and he's passed out snoring! so annoying! I had to run out to walmart to buy her some medicine God forbid I wake him up! I tried but he didnt budge.....He is 15 years older than me. It sucks at times like this our daughter is sick and he is just not giving a shit.....I can't sleep right now im watching over my baby, I would stay with the father of my kids if I were you....The grass is not always greener on the other side!

Jacqueline - posted on 03/28/2012

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This is a hard question to answer because it just depends on what your foundational beliefs are. But Truth is truth no matter what we feel. So with that said. Consider a few things. #1 Have you sat with him after he has rested and eaten and explained what area's you need help? #2 If you always do everything (and probably really well) He may think why should I pitch in? She's got it. So maybe create a void a need that only he can fill or at least tell him so. Don't do his laundry or anyone's for a week and when he notices you can suggest that he take kids out to play so you can catch up on laundry or tell him that it will really help you and the home if he could help with the laundry ( or whatever area you choose) in some way. (its drastic but sometimes it takes that to get ones attention).

#3 consider making him pursue you. Maybe moving out would help..and moving day you can play the song by beyonce "put a ring on it"? I guess what I am saying is if he gets everything he needs from you with no effort from his part....he may never "man up".

Amita - posted on 03/27/2012

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Hi Tara, the thought of moving out just because yr boyfriend does not help you with house work does not look to b a balanced one. Do you have other issues with him, any major ones ?We will hardly get in life what all we wish....yr boyfriend may nt b interested in house work, so if you force him it just makes matters worse. But you have to take breaks yr self........week ends do less work, cook something easy and do things with him.....as time goes by hopefully u two will enjoy doing many things together including house work.

Jackie - posted on 03/27/2012

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I know how you feel. I have been a SAHM for 5 yrs and I do pretty much everything. I think you should talk to him and let him know how you feel. Take it from me it isnt good to keep it in and the fighting doesnt help especailly if the kids are around. And as far as the weekends go and that he doesnt do anything you should do the same, when my husband is off guess what I am off too. Hope that helps. Good luck.

Jennifer - posted on 03/27/2012

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I am sorry you are going through this. It very difficult to be married to someone but feel like a single parent. I am a stay at home mom. My husband works full time. While I appreciate that I can be home for my kids, I dont appreciate the late nights, not coming home for dinner, living like a single guy, skiing on the weekends crap that my husband thinks he is entitled to. He does the laundry, but it is only because the basement is where he goes to smoke pot. My husband does not know his children. The only time he makes an effort to spend time with them is after we have had a blow out on the subject. It never changes. He will never change. I have come to realize that even if its extremly difficult to leave someone, I truely believe that my kids would be better off with a mom who is not constantly angry and bitter and may take it out on them as a result. I know its scary but if he is not willing to make an effort, you may need to consider other options. And no its not fair.

Angela - posted on 03/25/2012

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My hubby also works long hours (up at 3am and not home until 7/8pm). We have a rule in our house that I do inside and he does outside (lawns etc). Sometimes I find myself gritting my teeth when he comes home and just plonks himself on the couch, but that usually is because I have had a pretty stressful day at home with my 18month old and am just looking at releasing my frustration more than anything else. On the 'good' days I find it doesn't bother me at all.



I think the key to making a marriage work is communication. Talk to eachother immediately rather than bottling your feelings up until one day you just explode. I know we all have bad days as SAHM's but I think we also need to remember how stressful our hubby's day at work can also be.



I had the option of whether I wanted to continue staying at home or going back to work. It was MY choice to stay at home. Unfortunately the SAHM job description includes all yucky jobs like washing, ironing, cleaning the house, making dinner etc so I guess if you're not happy about having to do all those jobs then being a SAHM is not for you! My hubby does help when he comes home too though by bathing/showering my son, taking out the trash and tidying the house of all my son's toys etc whilst I put him to bed.



Some men do need to be reminded every now again to help. They're men!!! Unfortunately they can't be as perfect as us women:-)

Stephanie - posted on 03/25/2012

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i waz in the same thing and it was like that frome my son was a week old tell he was 2 that when he stared to help me i bitch and bitch we would not evern sleep in the same bed or nothing for a lil bit i got him to change and now it is a lot better it was hared bit try to talk to him 1st befor u do somthing i hope he will change for u and ur lil babys cuz just cuz we stay home doesnt mine we dont do nothing he use to say y should i help i go to work u just stay home and do nothin and i am from cail and i movied to az to be with him and i left my family for him so i was a first time mom with no help and my son hade colic so it was bed i wanted to leave him but he change and now thay r so close my son loves his daddy so just try talking to him 1st

Jenni - posted on 03/25/2012

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I have read a book called, The things I wish I'd knew before we got married by Gary Chapman. He wrote The 5 Love Languages. I think it would be a good book for you to read. After 16 years of marriage I really benefitted. I think it's good for you to know we cannot expect others to be who we want them to be. We have to accept them the way they are. My husband will sit all weekend in his chair doing taxes for other people....like he is doing right now....and it's Sunday. I will do all the yard work, even though I have constant back pain that is really bad now for many years. We have 4 children that I homeschool. I am a student midwife, so I do a lot of studing, reading and traveling. I do all the education. He does help with cooking sometimes. I do all the cleaning. I wash the cars. I finally am at peace with no help from him. It took many years of seeing no results from yelling at him to talking to him.....asking him for help. It just doesn't matter to him. I can't expect him to care about things like I care about things. Men see things differently than we do. If you cannot accept that, then I think you should move on from him. It's about acceptance understanding and will to do what you need to do....and looking at things from a sacrificial point of view. We have to do things to make God happy. Are you living God's will? That is where happiness comes from. I talk to my husband about my feelings and if he chooses to do something about it.....that is up to him. If he doesn't, then I have to have peace about that. It's REALLY hard!!

Crystel - posted on 03/25/2012

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It seems as if a lot of people on here are using the post to argue with one another instead of helping you, so I will try and help you if I can. I am a stay at home mom of 3 boys(10, 11, and 13). I have been married for al ost 13 years. We got married young and I didn't come from a very supporting or happy family, so my role models didn't show me what a family was really supposed to look like. My husband is very insecure and learned that from his own father. He thinks he needs to be in control of everything and for a long time I just let it happen. I didn't like it and I let him know about it all of the time. Here in the last five years I guess, I have just really been sick of putting up with it. I have told him that if he didn't want to help me with his kids and the house than why are we even still together. If I wanted to live the life of a single parent than I should just be one. I explained to him everything I was feeling and it did change for awhile. Occasionally I have to keep reminding him about it and he starts to help out some more and makes the boys pitch in as well. Smetimes they need to be reminded of how much you do and that bringing home the money isn't enough. You know he works but he eventually gets off of work, when do you. You should also try and have a ladies night out once a month, whether it be dinner, a movie or just getting your nails done. It's healthy. I hope this has helped you a little.

User - posted on 03/25/2012

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To be honest, even though I have a very helpful husband who helps me with making dinner almost everyday, bathing our 15 month old and being hands on with him whenever needed, I wouldn't resent a man who works very hard and does not have time to help out with chores, BUT that does not mean not having time to spend with your kids, he HAS to be make time to spend with his family, so the fact that your boyfriend goes out partying on weekends leaving you and the kids alone, says a lot about him, that time should be spent as family time. If he doesn't accept that then he is a very selfish person and honestly, you can try to accept that's who he is but it is not fair on you and if you love yourself and think you deserve better, I am positive you will not be able to put up with it forever and is just postponing the inevitable. He would have to change, in my case, otherwise he can keep his single status because it sounds like that's what he wants. Selfish, selfish...

Kirstie Jayne - posted on 03/25/2012

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Hi, I had the same problem as u hun, l made the boys father to leave an l got on so much better now just me an the kids so l got lil girl fm other fella so he do help me lots BUT don't give me money for my lil girl...... So he say that he give me money next pay.. But he don't and don't beloive the word he say anymore .... :( x

Christine - posted on 03/23/2012

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i feel the same way about my husband. he does go to work but does nothing around the house to help me. his work day starts at 9 and ends at 6. my day starts at 7 and ends at 12 at night. i just wish i too had some time to myself. my husband thinks it so easy to be a stay at home mom. he always said i dont understand what these woman complain about they get to be home all day. my mom told me the only break she got is when she went to work. i spend all day cleaning and doing so many other things. my husband get weekends off i dont get any time off. i never get to sleep in, he never gets up with the baby. i i hear and 100% understand what you are saying.

Medic - posted on 03/21/2012

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Well that is great! I am glad you found a way to talk to him, now just keep the communication lines open.

Tara - posted on 03/21/2012

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thanks all for your comments, haha... I did talk to him, hes spending more time with kids, playing, putting them to bed. I get to have this weekend, just to myself, going to enjoy that, since I haven't had one for 2 years.. WOW.. 2 years.... its going to be nice.

Tara - posted on 03/21/2012

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Well, thanks for all the comments!!! haha.... I have talked to him, hes been helping more, spending more time with the kids, and i get to have this weekend time for myself, which I really will in enjoy, haven't had that since my first child, so 2 years ago. Its going to be nice.

[deleted account]

Being by yourself, the only difference will be you add on the financial responsibility, as you will still be doing everything by yourself. At least until you meet someone wonderful. :)

Medic - posted on 03/20/2012

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@Jenna- I was trying to point out that not every guy is like that and if she feels she needs/deserves better then go for it. But awesome job at calling people out because that is productive and amazing advice.

Delia - posted on 03/20/2012

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I haven't read all post but my adivce first would be to seek marriage counsoling. I an also a stay at home mom and have two kids, my husband also works. He helps sometimes but he is tired after work and on his weekend days off I still do most of the nutureing aswell. If I need time to my self I basically just tell him I'm going out and you get to have the kids for a while. Honestly I do a better job with both our kids...when I get back from where ever my kids are a mess and it looks like a storm hit my house.... Sigh. So yeah it sucks, but this is the price I pay to enjoy my kids and stay home. I would love to go back to work and really want to work because I feel like I don't have much of an adult social life but I want to be with my babies more.



Watch your fighting with your husband though, because I'll tell from exprince it really can mess with a childs happens no matter how young. Stay strong, and just tell him once oneweek I need a break watch the kids for me. :-) a happy wife makes a happy family.

Delia - posted on 03/20/2012

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I haven't read all post but my adivce first would be to seek marriage counsoling. I an also a stay at home mom and have two kids, my husband also works. He helps sometimes but he is tired after work and on his weekend days off I still do most of the nutureing aswell. If I need time to my self I basically just tell him I'm going out and you get to have the kids for a while. Honestly I do a better job with both our kids...when I get back from where ever my kids are a mess and it looks like a storm hit my house.... Sigh. So yeah it sucks, but this is the price I pay to enjoy my kids and stay home. I would love to go back to work and really want to work because I feel like I don't have much of an adult social life but I want to be with my babies more.



Watch your fighting with your husband though, because I'll tell from exprince it really can mess with a childs happens no matter how young. Stay strong, and just tell him once oneweek I need a break watch the kids for me. :-) a happy wife makes a happy family.

[deleted account]

I disagree, Jenna. I read several posts on the first page that gave rather good advice. The post did get side tracked, but sometimes that is okay.

Jenna - posted on 03/19/2012

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I think many of you have missed the point of the question.



@Medic Mommy--Telling Tara that YOUR husband helps out all the time doesn't help her situation at all.



@the rest of you--I haven't really seen any piece of advice here.



@Tara--I have been married to my husband for nearly 11 years and we have five children together. I have always stayed home, since the first one was born. He is on again off again with the hands-on help.



When he is off--it's often because he's lazy and just doesn't realize what needs to get done. He also doesn't think there is much to get done because I keep the house fairly clean and am pretty organized with the cooking and stuff. He doesn't realize all that I do in order for that to happen and sometimes I need his help. However, he is not a mind-reader---no man is. So in order to get his help, I need to let him know (kindly, without demanding, belittling or criticizing) what it is that I need his help with. If I walk by the trash can and say, "This trash is really full" and that's all, he might hear that but he doesn't necessarily think or realize that I'm really asking him to take out the trash. So to get him to do it, I have to come right out and say, "Honey, this trash is really full and I would really appreciate it if you would empty it and put a new bag in the can." Then when he does, I thank him for it. "Thank you so much for taking out the trash, the help was really needed." The trick is KINDNESS and speaking with a nice tone of voice.



There have been times my husband has been more helpful, but that's usually a result of me praising him when he helps, asking him kindly for help and being specific about what the help is.



He has told me before that he works hard at his job and when he comes home, it just doesn't cross his mind that things need to get done around here too unless I tell him. All he really wants to do after a long day of work is relax. Isn't that what we all want? After a long day with the kids and keeping house, I want to relax too. So I remind him that if he comes home and I ask for his help, that will get us both to a relaxing point in time a whole lot quicker and we'll have more time to spend together. He's usually very willing to help out.



But like I said, it's all about kindness and attitude. If you treat him like he's being a jerk, he has no reason not be a jerk. After all, you already think he's a jerk, so why should he invest time and effort into not being a jerk, since you already think he is one? That is how my husband put it to me when I was badgering him once a few years ago about not helping.



And good luck. Many of us know how hard it is to get a man to change. Think of it as molding clay. You have to gently shape to yield results.

Stifler's - posted on 03/19/2012

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Hey Karen, my husband makes over 100k a year too and can still find time to mow the lawn and unload the dishwasher and let me sleep in one day of the week.

Leonie - posted on 03/19/2012

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Women for hundreds of years before us and no doubt in decades to comes have and will lament this very issue. IMO Tara I would try and talk to your partner. I did this myself, with my husband. I was getting very angry as he wasn't helping and we at the time had a tiny newborn. I asked him what kind of wife he wanted- a cranky, overtired one or; a happier one that was fun to be around (maybe still a bit tired tho lol). I calmly and quietly explained that I needed him to help, we both contribute to the place getting untidy etc and that it wasn't fair for him to just expect me to do it all. Happy to say that he started to help. When he first started to do things like vacuuming etc I never critisized his efforts and made a point of praising his efforts (not easy to do as hey no one tells me how great the laundry looks etc but that beside the point lol). It's still a work in progress but things are less stressful and he now will ask if I need help to do anything and when he is home we bath the boys together. It all started with me having a calm heart to heart chat. Not always easy. I hope this helps. All the best :)

[deleted account]

I have a very similar problem, I am 24 with a 10 month old baby and my husband is 37. He doesn't have a full time job he volunteers at Goodwill in a work program for TANF ( cash assistance) he is however still looking for a job. But we live with his parents right now and we have been for two years so yay... not. When my baby wakes up im the one that gets up with him even if my husband is not working Im the one that changes him feeds him and bathes him. I also clean up after my mother in law, father in law, and niece (who are the messiest people ive ever met.) and in the whole 10 months since ive had my baby I have not had any time to myself at all because my husband says he cannot handle watching the baby himself.

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