When to decide to leave...kids come first, right?

Jeanette - posted on 02/03/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I had my daughter when my son was 17 months old. I was a SAHM and loved it, until my daughter came along. I felt such guilt that I wasn't able to give my son the same amount of time/attention I did before I had my daughter. I realized about 6 months after I had my daughter that something was really wrong, but I was always so against drugs that I tried to cure it myself. I jogged every day with the kids in the stroller, and although that had always worked for me in the past (I ran marathons pre-kids), runs weren't doing anything for my crazy moods.

I felt out of control with my emotions. I loved my kids so much and truly enjoyed spending every day with them as their primary care giver. Yet I took everything my husband, family and friends said so personally that I started to shut everyone out of my life. It seemed easier that way, unfortunately. I felt my friends failed me as I was the first of my friend group to have kids (at age 35 no less), yet none of my friends came around after I had my son. I thought it was going to be so totally different and I got very depressed and lonely after my daughter was born.

As a result of me not dealing with my PPD I have a brother and sister in law who won't even talk to me anymore, my mom suggested I am possibly insane and my husband basically has zero respect left for me.

I should be frank and let everyone know that my husband drinks...alot. Often I'd find myself needing his support in the middle of the night with the kids. If I'd finally break down and ask for help it would always end up in a fight, a drunk fight on his part. It often turning into yelling, aggressiveness and finally him pushing me down and shaking me so hard I had bruises on my arms for weeks. the worst part was, I was holding my son while this happened. We were both so scared! It happened once more after that...similar situation where I had to ask for help in the middle of the night from a drunk who basically assaulted me while I was holding our daughter.

After that I got on a mild anxiety drug (citalopram). It was a huge step for me to admit that I was not okay, and to admit that my home life was less than ideal. The fact that I went on drugs 'proved' to my mom that I was 'INSANE' and she started to conspire with my husband about when I go totally nuts, she would come for the kids, etc. They were doing all this behind my back simply because everyone in my family believes that if a person needs mental health drugs that must mean they are crazy and unfit to care for children.

The next time my husband tried to attack me (while holding my daughter, in the middle of the night again), I lashed out. I scratched, punched, and yelled so hard that he finally stopped. He had a bloody gash in his ear for a week and didn't go into the office. I finally defended myself! I called my doctor after that to tell him the meds weren't working, that now I WAS actually crazy and inflicted physical harm on someone (my husband). You know what he said? He said I was perfectly normal! He asked how I would have handled that in the past. In the past I would have cowered to his awfulness and would have been silent and in tears for days. This time, while on drugs, he told me that I actually reacted like a normal person would have!

My doctor suggested rehab for my husband, but he would never do that. The first step is admitting he has a problem, and that has yet to happen. In the meantime, I cherish the moments he's sober and a kind daddy. When he's not, I lock him out and try to make things as normal as possible for our kids.

After typing this I even see that I should leave him. But, how does one do that when they have two kids? I know this is too huge to ask of you all on this board, but what is your opinion? Should I leave? Or, should I try to continue to work it out? I've already been divorced once after a 12 year marriage with a cheater, but luckily we never had kids.

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Erin - posted on 03/04/2013

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If you can't help it, don't apologize. If you feel you need help get some. If those people won't support you in your time of need they don't deserve you.

SC - posted on 02/18/2013

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This is hard. If I were you, I think you both parents need to go to therapy to work out your relatioship issues. Also come to a common goal on how and what values you want to teach your kids. After that, track the progress. You can only see the difference in a few months. Continue therapy. That is so important. Take out the negative and toxic people/family out of your lives. They're not there to help you or ,make your husband happier. Instead they are trying to play the blame game and who's at fault. You and your husband need to do this on your own. You must have loved each other at one time. you had passion, then it went to like friends mood, but this is a cycle. You need to get to the romantic/compassionate/friends mood. Your actions must be consistent to your children. If I read an enlightening story to better raise my kids, I make my husband read it. Then we finalize what we going to do in one voice. Now after all this, if it doesn't work (some reason your husband is a pure retard) then get ready to take your children and mother them with a better man. You will suffer alot as a single mom in the beginning but if you work hard, it will be better. It the risk of suffering is worth the depression and abuse you're having now, you have our answer right there. Deductively eliminate the the pros and cons of both of these tragic solutions.

Cleaver - posted on 02/04/2013

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i dont have PPD but a do have big maritial problems so i am calling a mariage councillor and hell just come. he agrees things are bad. he says no but i know that if i make an apointment hell be there

Crystal - posted on 02/04/2013

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Parts of your story are very similar to parts of mine. It sounds like a big contributor to your PPD was your lack of support from those who matter the most and are supposed to care for and be there for you. It sounds like you are currently in a very toxic situation. It is your job to protect your children from harm, even emotional, and that includes from family if need be. I know it is a very hard decision and will feel like you are taking the children away from their father, but you cannot let those moment he is sober effect the bigger picture. If he does not see his behavior as a problem or affecting the children than and you, you need to get out of their. Even this young, it does some damage. Remember that even if you are in seperate houses, he can still be in their lives. Just set up ground rules, such as he has to be sober. If need be, you can go to court for mediation. I know this can be very scary, but your doctor can advocate for you, especially if your husband and family try to conspire against you. Sometimes the best thing for the children is to leave. I hope you make the right choice. Stay safe.

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