Which is it?

Shaina - posted on 02/25/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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Is a mom what you are? who you are? or both? My son is almost a year old and I already feel like I'm loosing myself at times. Anyone else feel like this?

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Theresa - posted on 02/26/2010

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Have you looked into a MOPS group. Mothers Of PreschooleS, just incase you didn't know what they are. You can get info at www.mops.org. I joined a bowling league with a friend. It was nice to get out once a week with adults. Plus it was also nice to have Daddy stay home with the kids. He got a small taste fo what I go through every day all day. I was gone from about 6-9:30. He had to feed the kids and get them ready for bed. Not even a 10th of what I did during the day, but still he understood a little better after that why I didn't always get everything done during the day.

Judy - posted on 02/26/2010

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You have entering the amazing world of being both. Your baby has been demanding and helpless but he will start being independent soon. take time for your self. While he's napping or in bed for the night....take a long bath with candles and music playing, do your nails whatever make you feel pampered. I used to think nap time was to catch up on all the stuff I couldn't do while they are wake. Dishes keep so does dust. Carve out a little time for yourself and your husband (he might be feeling a little left behind too) My big thing...my nails never stay painted BUT guess what!!! my toenails always look very nice... funky colors... who knew that part of me was still there.

Samantha - posted on 02/26/2010

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I know exactly how you feel. When I had my son I moved two weeks after to where his father lived. I had no friends of my own and was hrs from my mom and my sister. A mom was ALL I was. I loved and still love being a mom but I learned quickly that you need something of your own to have/ do. even if its just by yourself and no one else. Something that makes you feel like you. For me...I didn't find it until my son was 2. I started doing ballet again just for an hr on saturday mornings.
My best friend loves to shop. so once a week she leaves the girls with her husnamd and says "I'm taking my mental health day" and she goes and shops. Most of the time its for her kids but she still gets out and does what she loves to do and she does it all by herself. And thats really what it is and what is needed: a "mental health" day.

Christy - posted on 02/26/2010

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Yes. In fact I know a lot of women who feel this way, and at the beginning I thought that that was how it was suppost to be. That once you became a wife and mother that that was what you were. I didn't realize how much I missed having my own identity until my husband and I were having a discussion about what women truly wanted from their husbands. And I told my husband that what a woman truly wants is for her husband to know "the woman" in her and not just the wife and mother. When he asked me to explain this I told him: What are her hopes, her ambitions, what does she like most to do when the kids are asleep, what music does she like, what books does she like to read, etc. Then I asked my husband if he could answer any of these questions about me. I could tell that it really bothered him when he couldn't answer these questions. So I simplified it even more and asked him what my favorite color was. And do you know he didn't even know that! But it made him aware that he had lost track of the woman he married and that he really did just think of me as a wife and mother. Now I have noticed that he does pay more attention to those things and has begun to ask me more questions and talk to me more. In turn, I have begun to open up more to him and started doing things that I enjoy as a woman, and not just as a wife and mother.

Stevie - posted on 02/25/2010

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actually my son is up in bed now and my husband is upstairs doing who knows what and im just listening to pandora radio on my computer and i tell you i maybe laying on the couch but its freaking AMAZING ive got hootie and the blowfish on and whatever else sounds like them and i just feel sooo free right now i dont feel like i do every day all day long my son is 15 months old im a sahm and i love it also but winter sure is dragging by and stressing me out i want to get out of the house with my baby i want to swim and see his smile grow even more and i have no clue how i use to be who i use to be my hubby and son are my world they are what comes first and for most i miss working all the time but i wouldnt give up what i have even on the hardest days sometimes all you need is music a sleeping child and either your hubby or who ever to dance with or just yourself music is the best thing that brings out crazy bottled up stress and make you laugh and feel silly and so on try pandora or just turn on the radio either way but i can tell you now i feel amazing listening to the "older" music i use to listen to before i was a crazy highschool kid lol sometimes thats what can help you bring the you or the kid in you out just take a deep breath and have at it good luck:)

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Melanie - posted on 02/27/2010

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you need to have a group you can go hang out with. i hang out with the pta ladies a lot. good people all of em. and we are actually really close. if you dont have a group you can create one like our local "meetup" group. ours is on facebook too.also make sure you spend time with your hubby too. take baby with you if you want but go on dates. just little things will help. me and mine went to a restaraunt supply store for one of them. it was fun and we felt more connected afterward.

Eileen - posted on 02/27/2010

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I am a wife, mother, friend and most importantly a lover. tell your self that everyday.

I feel like that all the time, and my son is 17 moths now. I go to the shops just to get out of the house, sometimes i bump into friends there and we have a coffee.

leave baby at home when hubby is home from work and go pamper yourself for a few hours get your hair and nails done have a masage, go see a movie gou out with friends.

Stephanie - posted on 02/26/2010

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Totally! I had a baby at 35 and was jewelry and clothing designer before baby. Now i stay at home and it's been over a year since working with my passion. I'm finally getting back to it but yes, i definitely lost who i was for awhile.

Shaina - posted on 02/26/2010

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I have looked a little into MOPS but my son isnt a preschooler. He's not ever a year old yet. I mean he is PRE school but I thought it was more geared toward an older age group.

Carolee - posted on 02/26/2010

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I am Carolee. I am Mom. I am Wife. My husband and I have come up with a schedule where I can be all three people when I need to be. He lets me have days where I'm JUST Carolee. He takes care of our son while I do whatever I wish for the day. Most of the time, I'm Mom (since I stay at home). When my husband comes home and my son goes to bed, I'm Wife. I mingle my titles to fit whatever situation I'm in at the moment. It takes a while to get to that "happy medium" of finding exactly who you are after having kids... and then it is still a work in progress.

[deleted account]

Why do women ALWAYS feel guilty for thinking about themselves a bit? It has taken me two years but I have finally gotten to the point where I allow myself to be selfish once in a while. In fact I timetable it into my (very hectic) schedule otherwise it doesn’t happen. I organised for my husband to take our daughter to swimming lessons on a Saturday morning and that is MY time to do whatever I feel like (stay in bed with a cup of tea and a book, go shopping on my own etc).

For the first 2 years of her life I was COMPLETELY absorbed in being her mother and I loved it but as she got more independent I found myself feeling that maybe I could ‘let go’ a bit and that’s when I decided that I had ‘earned’ sometime back for myself. And you know what? I feel I am a better Mum because of it. Allowing myself to refresh and recharge means that I have more to give her.

I know I couldn’t have done it any sooner that I did because I wasn’t ready but knowing what I know now I won’t let it slide when I have my second. It's too important.

Shaina - posted on 02/25/2010

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I know how you feel Vanessa. We move to Minnesota from Florida (due to my husbands job) back in May. ALL of my family was there. He has some his family here, but its just not the same. I go to LLLI meeting once or twice a month and I LOVE it. real grown up conversations, but I wish they met more often. haha!

[deleted account]

I totally understand the feeling!! I have a wonderful husband & son its just sometimes you can get so wrapped up in making them happy that when you get the chance to stop you think...Now what do I do, What the hell did I used to do to amuse myself??

We recently moved due to job situations and now we live 8hrs away from family & friends. So I have my husband to talk to (when he gets home from work) and that is it, I am slowly making new friends to maybe go out with (without the boys) but it all takes time. So at this point in time the only time out I get is when I visit family (which isn't that often) so I do feel lost and overwhelmed sometimes. I believe there are a lot of stay at home mums that feel they have lost who they are sometimes so you are not alone & don't feel bad for having these feeling either I think it is just human nature to want space & time to do your own things. My son is 2 years and still has a good afternoon nap so I make sure while he is sleeping I do something for me, like run myself a bath and read for a bit or play my music (I play the flute) just so I don't loose all of myself and just become Mummy & Wife. It helps I have a husband who encourages me to do this and is willing to take our son out of the house and away from me at least for an hour or 2 on the weekend just so I can have me time. Secretly though I think it is more the case of he wants Father/Son time! lol but it benifits all of us and I find this way the bouts of loss, depression & loneliness are getting fewer and far between. Goodluck & I hope you find you again soon!

Shaina - posted on 02/25/2010

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I try to do stuff with him that I like to do (like listening to music) I'll pick him up and we'll dance around the house like no one is watching. LOL! Its fun, but sometimes I feel like I just need more. Dont get me wrong I LOVE my son and his daddy, and I LOVE the fact that I'm able to stay home with him. It just gets frustrating when the only 'adult' conversation I have is about poopy diapers or how high he can stake his blocks. haha.

Rachelle - posted on 02/25/2010

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i totally forgot who i was after my first. i forgot to be a wife an di forgot what it was i liked to do on my own. all i did was care for the baby. make sure you DONT do this. put the baby down and do somehting you like to do. i dont listen to music very often b/c i cant hear the kids when i do, but every once in a while i turn on the radio and its like heaven on earth. its the little things that make you, you. dont stuf them in the sofa cushion and forget about them. a mom is a role you play in life. not your identity.

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