Who else needs a solo vacation?

Lovely4953 - posted on 01/18/2018 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Feeling extremely overwhelmed lately. I am a stay at home mom with 3 kids, 2 dogs, and a wonderful husband whom I love dearly but who is not as helpful as I would like. I know he works hard for us and all but he doesn't help me out with the kids or the house or the dogs (that I didn't even want in the first place.) I suffer from depression and anxiety and I live in an area where there isn't really much to do with a 4 year old. I am at home EVERY SINGLE DAY with my daughter. I take our boys to school and because of where I live I can't go anywhere during the day because the nearest town is 30 minutes or more away depending on traffic. I need to get out of here. I am planning a vacation by myself. I am not going to tell anyone except my mom and a couple of my close friends where I will be going. I'll check in while I'm gone but my husband and kids don't need to know where I will be. I am going to be selfish. It's going to take a lot of planning and saving up but I'm gonna do it.

Now, I know some will be thinking that I'm being ungrateful or that I'm not being considerate of my husband's hard work or whatever. The thing is, I am grateful and he knows I am. I tell him and show him OFTEN. However, he and my kids do not tell me or show me that they appreciate the things that I do. My husband will come home after work and tell me all about his day but won't ask how my day was. He assumes it's exactly like the day before. After he tells me about his day he plops in his recliner and puts on his favorite shows. He doesn't talk to me or interact with me much during certain shows. I don't mind an episode or two of this but once he starts the third I start getting irritated. I have told him how it makes me feel but it doesn't change anything. Meanwhile, my kids are finishing their homework and wanting to play. Some days I will let them go play at the neighbors' houses. Other days they stay home and play with each other. Playing with each other ALWAYS leads to them screaming and fighting with each other. Husband doesn't do anything but yell at them from his chair to "cut it out" or something to that effect. If a store run is needed, he goes and leaves the kids with me... I cook and clean up after 5 people all the time. I would like to not have to do that for a short time.

These are just some of the examples of what I deal with. I don't ever have a minute to myself to just breathe. I haven't peed without an audience in 9 years. So, I'm planning my trip and I refuse to feel guilty about it. I highly recommend doing it if you can! My goal amount is $6,000. I want to make sure I have enough to last me 10+ days of pampering myself. No answering to the name "mom" or "babe" or "honey" or whatever else they wanna call me. I want to sleep without having to wake up in the middle of the night because someone wakes up. I want to pee and poop and shower without someone watching me. I will get that someday soon...

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Yuen - posted on 01/24/2018

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It definitely sounds like you have a lot on your plate! Taking care of yourself is absolutely important. You can’t be a good wife and mom if you don’t. I can certainly understand the frustration you must feel. They do say that being a mom is one of the most rewarding, yet thankless jobs you can have! LOL However, please indulge me as I make a few suggestions. First, I would really recommend that you have a discussion with your husband about your plan. It sounds like you have tried to tell him how you feel but you may need to stress how close your breaking point is. Leaving him in the dark and running away doesn’t solve the problem. He needs to realize why you need this and maybe both of you can come up with other ways (in addition to this solo vacation) to resolve this issue. I also found an article that I thought would interest you about mental burdens of a mom: http://bit.ly/2BqOa8R. Also, if a family emergency came up, you would want your husband to be able to contact you. Second, it sounds from your post that in addition to the frustration, you are feeling a bit isolated. Isolation is hard, especially for a stay at home mom. Is there any playgroup that you and your kids could join so you have the opportunity to meet other people? Maybe a book club or a church group or getting involved in the kids’ schools? Schools love parent volunteers! Finally, I would suggest implementing a “family night”. One night each week where your family does something together – whether it’s game night or movie night or whatever else your family enjoys. Make it a rule that everyone participates. When we do movie night at my house, it’s a special thing. I create a “popcorn bar” or a “sundae bar” with all different types of mixings/toppings that they can add. We order pizza, pull out the sleeping bags…everyone loves it.
I hope these suggestions help a little and that you enjoy your well-deserved vacation!

Kvolm2016 - posted on 01/22/2018

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Krystal, I apologize for anything which sounded condescending as that was certainly not my intention. I hope your plan does work out well and that you do get a break to refresh you!

Michelle - posted on 01/20/2018

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I didn't read any condescension in Kassandra's comments, she is just stating that unless you and your husband change the dynamics at home, nothing with be solved by going away. You husband can get up to the kids on the weekend and let you sleep in. He can get the kids ready for bed a couple of nights a week. He can take them to the park or just out of the house for a few hours without you. He is their Father and his role in raising the children didn't stop and conception.
Have you thought about couples counseling? That way you can let your husband know what YOU want from the relationship with a 3rd party to help you both see what the other person is wanting.
For a marriage to work long term, both partners have to be able to listen to what the other needs from the relationship. Each person needs to give and take and put their partners feelings before their own sometimes. You have been doing this but your husband hasn't. This is why you are feeling like you need to get away from everyone.
My marriage is a great balance for both of us and I hate being away from my husband. I would prefer to go away with all of them than go on my own. My children are now older and not so reliant on me but that means that my husband and I can go on a date without having to worry about a babysitter. We went out last night with another couple (their kids are 5 and 18 months) and they had 3 phone calls from their babysitter. We didn't hear anything from our kids.

Lovely4953 - posted on 01/19/2018

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Kassandra, while I see that you have the very best of intentions in your comment, I have to say I am a bit offended. I am offended because it comes off as patronizing. I am not a little girl. I do not need to be mothered. I have expressed my feelings and needs to my husband. That, however, is all I can do. I cannot force him to do anything with the information. I respect your opinion and I thank you for your insight. I do not, however, appreciate the condescension.

Kvolm2016 - posted on 01/19/2018

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It is great that you have this potential trip to look forward to. But since you mention that it likely won't happen until 2019, that is a LONG time to wait to be removed/released from these feelings that are overwhelming you. And your personal getaway will be great while you are away but if you will just be returning to the same frustrating scenarios and conversations then it is just a temporary escape instead of a lasting solution. Does that make sense?

Lovely4953 - posted on 01/19/2018

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The struggle is real!! I tried to vent today and he listened for 2 minutes then went out to mow the backyard... He had a look of irritation on his face when he went outside. HE ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG!!! I didn't even get to tell him what I was feeling. Only 3 of the things that happened to me today. God forbid I vent to my husband! Im so frustrated and angry and hurt right now!! I've been in my room trying not to cry for the last hour and a half. If he didn't want to listen and be there for me, why ask me what was wrong?! If you aren't ready for the answer, don't ask the question. ='(

Michelle - posted on 01/19/2018

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Ally: Why are your husband needs more important than yours?
Why does he get to "check out" and you don't?
Sorry but I believe a marriage is a partnership and when children come into it it's up to BOTH parents to raise those children. If you don't get down time then he doesn't. Just because you are at home all day doesn't mean you don't work. He probably has a lunch break, you don't get one. You don't even get a toilet break!!!!

Ally - posted on 01/19/2018

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Hey! I am currently a SAHM myself. I have to say, feelings of bitterness against my hubby has been something I have been struggling with. I know that he works hard all day and needs time to 'check out' of the world, but i struggle when he doesn't seem excited to see his little girl at the end of the day or would rather look at stock charts than talk to me. I get so excited for him to get home in order to see another adult and have an actual conversation, but I find myself disappointed a lot of the times.
This is something I have been praying over. I know that this could lead to a struggling marriage if my bitterness continues to grow. I pray over my attitude, that it will be loving and more understanding of my husband's needs more than my own. I pray that even when my hubby comes home and isn't the husband I need him to be, that I will be able to rise above his (apparent) selfishness and not become selfish myself.
With all this said, know you aren't alone and I pray that you do find ways to get out of the house and feel more a part of a community (have you looked into where the closest MOPS group is to you? 'Mothers of Pre Schoolers'?). I am a great advocate for getting away and recharging your batteries. I hope you hubby is encouraging of your trip and hears you when you say that you are tired.

Lovely4953 - posted on 01/19/2018

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Thank you for that Michelle Waldbillig. I do know that I will miss them after a couple days away but from what my mom tells me, it is so nice once you get past that point and you truly focus on yourself. That's what I need. I've been a stay at home mom for 5 years now. I think my family needs to miss me just as much as I need to miss them. And I dont think this vacation I going to happen until at least 2019... I'm keeping my eyes on the prize!

Michelle - posted on 01/19/2018

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I don't think you are selfish at all but I will warn you that after 3 hours you will miss them all terribly.
Maybe aim for a weekend at first. It's amazing how just a couple of days away from them can recharge the batteries.
I must say that I haven't felt like that in a very long time. I have married my 2nd husband and he is fantastic. He works full time but will still do the laundry, dishes and look after the children. He is a "Dance Dad" on Saturday's for about 5 hours while our daughter has classes one after the other. I think he really likes to gossip with the other Dad's though, they seem to have formed a very close bromance!!!!
There does come a time when the kids don't follow you everywhere and you do get to sleep in. As they grow older they tend to entertain themselves a lot more as well.
I also have 3 children (16, 14 and 8) and it's scary to think my eldest can get his driver's licence this year and be independent. It also means he can drive his siblings around, one less thing I have to do!!!!

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