Why am I made to feel bad when I don't call or visit my parents?

April - posted on 10/06/2011 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I have a 3 1/2yo and a 3 month old, yet I feel like I have to be the one to initiate any conversations or visits. They only live @ 3 miles from us so I thought they would be over more since these are their only grandkids. I've told them on several occassions that whenever they want to take the oldest out, they are more than welcome to do so. Even if it's just for dinner or to the park. But they hardly do anything with him unless I ask them if they want to. What's wrong with this picture?? I'm getting tired of asking them to do activities with them. Why can't they just initiate it themselves? And if I do need some help and ask if they can watch the kids I feel like I'm imposing on them. I've only asked them to watch both the kids twice in 3 months and it's only for a couple hours. Once so I could go to the grocery store and do some REAL shopping and the other was for my anniversary dinner. And I packed up all their gear and took them to their house, which is a chore in itself. I just needed to vent, but I'm also getting a bit tired of feeling this way.

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[deleted account]

My MIL NEVER watches our kids, and my parents do when asked and sometimes they will offer. Maybe they are affraid of over stepping the line by asking. Alot of Moms with young babies have trouble leaving them and maybe they just want to give you space. Did they take your oldest out before the baby?





Edited to add I so agree with Roberta! She said what i was trying to say lol!

Roberta - posted on 10/08/2011

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I think many grandparents wait to be asked because they don't want to appear like they are trying to control the situation or interferring. It might be a good idea to sit down together and see what they would like to have happen and for you to voice your opinion as well. You need to ask yourself if there are problems in the relationships that need to be corrected so that everyone can move on. Grandparents and grandchildren need one another, it is a totally different relationship than Mom and Dad and child. And Mom and Dad need parents for love and support. Make sure you are all on the same page and all move forward in love and unity.

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LEAH - posted on 10/08/2011

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My mother is just not the babysitting type of grandmother. My daughter is 15 and when she was a baby she may have kept her once or twice. She started keeping her a little more once she was in school. I have since then adopted two children and am fostering two more. She let me know very openly there was no way she could watch all the children on her own. However she does come up (we live about 3 minutes by car) and visit wtih them every weekend and we always go places together on the weekend. Last weekend she took my oldest daughter and my other daughter. I will take what I can get lol.

Michelle - posted on 10/07/2011

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You know they may not want to impose on you even if you've left an open invitation. Some people are just like that. At least they are willing when you reach out. My husband and I do all the work to get my in laws involved. They live across the country, but we've offered to pay for them to fly out many times and they've only taken us up on it once. When my third was born my MIL came out to help with the kids but then decided she didn't feel like she was physically able to help (which was really to sit and play with the kids) after she got here. In the end I was just glad she spent time with them even if it was a lot of work for me. I know it's not easy to be the one making the effort but just think about how much your kids will appreciate the effort. I know it's not always enough and it's frustrating. For me the frustration is knowing that she practically raised my niece but hardly ever sees my kids. But it is what it is and at least when my kids want to know what happened I can tell them I tried.

[deleted account]

When you ask them, leave the date open. Just say something like "I need to get some work done sometime next week. Is there a day you could watch the kids?" That way, they can't say they have plans for the time slot you pick, they can work it around their own schedule.

Stifler's - posted on 10/07/2011

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I always have to ask my parents to look after my kids. They never say no. As long as I can ditch the kids with them it's all good.

Charlygaray - posted on 10/06/2011

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don't worry my Ex-mother in law has never kept my boys she said that she to busy and she don't even work

April - posted on 10/06/2011

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Kelly - thanks for the reply. Not sue if it's a thing that they need to be asked - like they need to feel needed?? I'm a stay-at-home-mom so they know my schedule. My in-laws live @ 2 hrs away so I know why we can't see them all the time. Yet my son has gone and stayed for a week at a time twice this summer. He still sleeps in the crib at their house, yet my parents have a toddler bed for my son and somehow it's like an imposition for him to stay the night. I'm thinking of asking if they'd like for him to stay over soon just to get their reaction. Before it's always been some sort of excuse. If it keeps up, I'm just gonna stop asking.

[deleted account]

My mom-in-law has extended an open invitation for us to ask her to watch J anytime we need her, the catch is that WE have to ask. It's not because she is selfish, preoccupied, or too busy, but because she says that she doesn't know our schedule and hers is always very flexible, so she says it is easier for her to plan if we just call her.

Maybe your parents are in the same situation and it is just easier for them to plan their lives around when you need them. Do they make you feel guilty when you ask? My mil is always happy when I ask her to watch J.

My parents have an open invitation for J every weekend. It is easier for my mom having him at the same time every week. He doesn't go every week, but she knows she doesn't have to plan for him any other time.

Maybe you could set something like that up with them, where they have the children at the same time every week. I love this because I KNOW every week, I will have some time for myself if I need it.

I do have to pack J's things and take him to both of them. I figure that is the least I can do since neither let me pay them for sitting with him. They are both older, and getting all of his things in and out of the car is just a bit much for them physically. Plus, my parents live across town and are on a very limited budget. They just can't afford to make that drive often.

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