Wondering if I should confront my in-laws....

Breezy - posted on 02/26/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I am a stay at home mom of 4 boys, and I wouldn't have it any other way! I was told that some of my husband's family think I am jealous about all the new babies being born in our family. My youngest is 9 mo and I had my tubes tied because pregancy is too hard on my body.
I never had a girl, and I am ok with that, I just get comments from my sister-in-law because she's having a girl, asking for "my names." I get crap for being a stay at home mom, getting comments like " I wish I could stay home in my pjs too," I was flabbergasted!
When I ask how my other sister in law how she was feeling I get comments like, Im nosy. I dont get it? Is it because they are pregnant that they can act caddy? I finally quit talking to the one sister-in-law all together about her pregnancy, and my mother in law ( i love her) noticed. I dont want to cause problems, am I being too sensative? Im just sick of it!

11 Comments

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Kristin - posted on 03/07/2010

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Kill them with polite, but distant kindness. And try to minimize your time with them. It sounds like you've got a lovely MiL, so have her over to visit lots. Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 03/06/2010

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I have three children, two boys and a girl. The first boy was welcomed into the family with joy, the second.....'a friend' overheard my mother-in-law' say that unfortunately it was another 'grandson' and not her 'desired grandaughter'. However to my face she showered him with love! The third child, a daughter was as if at last I had done something right....However my mother-in-law has always been jealous of my daughter who is now 15, and has always picked on her....she wanted a grandaughter, got one, and appears to hate her!! My daughter even thinks this!

Also whilst pregnant with my second son my husbands aunt lost her baby, and told my mother-in-law that it was a pity it wasn't my child that died! My sister-in-law is forever saying how lovely it must be not having to work but to lay around all day like me! People are always asking 'favours' as 'I have the time' to search the internet, babysit, buy things etc etc.'.....I stay at home as Ihave always wanted to be here for my children, I have always been there for them, my mum wasn't! Yes they are getting older now, but .....my children have manners, care about each other and their parents, and are family orientated. So it has been worth it!

It is hard being a stay-at-home mum a lot is expected of you there will always be people who are jealous of you and say hurtful things, ignore them, and treat them as you would like them to treat you.....what goes around comes around! You are the better person! Keep strong!

Brandi - posted on 03/05/2010

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You are way more patient and understanding than I have ever been. I have a family like that. Mine is my family. I had cancer young, well right after I got married, I found out I had cervical cancer. I had surgery and was told that I should be able to conceive, but may have a problem carrying full term. Anyway, my brother and his wife had a child before I got married. About a year into our marriage we told them that we had begun to try and low and behold they were pregnant within a month! And announced it at a family gathering. It crushed me! It was almost like haha I'm more fertile than you... We got pregnant and had our wonderful amazing son and I too decided to stay home with him. I get snide remarks all the time from my sister in law about how nice it must be to have all the time in the world and never be stressed. Even my own mother and sister make comments. It is the hardest thing to take because I am staying home not because I am lazy and don't feel like working, but because I feel like it is what is best for my child. I get told that I wasted my college degree because i am not working. Its awful... Whats that saying you can choose your friends, but not your family. Good Luck! I would surely jump right in those sisters n laws faces and ask them just who do they think they are. All women are caddy! Ive just learned to face that fact. Seems like your mother in law should be the one you talk to.

Christy - posted on 03/05/2010

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Well I would say you are....I know, I know......but they are your family. You are married itno the family and unfortunately didn't get to choose your in-laws. Don't let comments like that bug you, it seems some of them don't mean any harm....as far as sister in law, take her with a grain of salt and kill her with kindness. Send her a baby basket, offer to be there if she needs anything. She may be moody b/c she is pregnant. Life's too short to worry about the little things. Good luck to you.

Katie - posted on 03/05/2010

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Your job has to be extremely difficult! 4 children are really hard to manage, so you being lucky isn't exactly the word for it! It sounds to me like they are projecting their jealousy onto you to make it look like you are unsatisfied with your life. They may be jealous you can handle it all so well

Kerri - posted on 03/05/2010

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Hey, i have a very simillar problem. Before i met my husband, his family was very very close. It used to be him, his mum, his sister, his uncle, aunt, and little cousin (she was 2) his nan and his gramp. and that was it. No fathers, no siblings no nothing. Then we fell for each other very quickly, and i got on very well with his mum. His nan has always hated, ALWAYS. Even went as far as to say that i'm lying about my disability - i'm registered blind and use a guide cane, soon to be a guide dog. she said i was just trying to be the centre of attention. I was furious and stopped talking to her. Then, his aunt and uncle had another baby girl, and i fell pregnant at the same time. Just before i had my little boy, his gramp passed away due to cancer. The whole family was crushed. We were planning on calling our son Ryan, but my husband asked to call him Bryan after his gramp. How could i say no? So that was his name. Now his sister is pregnant, we all think its a girl, and the whole family has dropped my son like a hot brick. My mother in law still comes round, and is still a great support, but she won't talk about the family, or how his sister's doing, or anything. They don't want to know now that there's a new 'real' family member being born. Like Bryan's not a proper family member becuz i'm his mum. Its annoying, and it hurts like hell. Keep ur head up, u've got nothing to be affraid of. And the best thing you can do is to be the best mum you can ever be -i don't doubt that ur doin that now!- and prove them all wrong. Send a card when their babies are born, and let them come to you. If they don't, its their loss. Do you really want ur boys bein brought up round ppl like that?!? xXx

Breezy - posted on 03/04/2010

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Well, to answer your questions Penelope, My sister-in-law was standing in my doorway at 9 pm one night, when she made the comment that she wishes she could stay in her pjs all day. She had just got off of work. My brother in law (married to the sister-in-law) was the one who texted me asking for my names for girls per her request. Both are so self-centered, they have a 3 yr old and are expecting the girl. As for the comment about jealousy, its been said by a few different people in my husband's family. I think they all know Im a great mother, they wouldn't let me watch their kids if not. I think they know on some level I feel left out, but like I said, I am happy with my boys, and greatful I have them. Since posting this, I really have only talked to my husband's only sister and his mother. The sister in law that I dont talk to because I was being too nosy, the comment was made after I asked her how her dr. appt went on facebook. Apparently that was wrong? I didn't know we couldn't talk about pregnancy on facebook? *shrugging shoulders* This is the same person that when I broke both of my arms in my 7 mo. of pregnancy with #4 II was expecting to be there to help, I had taken meals, taken her kids, offered to help with housework when she was prego with her 2nd child and I was a month behind her with my 3rd. We were super close, I just dont get it!

I guess in the end, all you can do is what you can do. I appreciate the allowence to let me vent, and hear back what I think I already knew. And as for a two way street with your in laws your right, I am closer to my mother-in-law than the other 2 daughter-in-laws are, maybe its jealousy!

Penelope - posted on 02/28/2010

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Wow, I think you just gave me a plus to being a single mom. No In-laws to deal with. I'm a big believer of not being around people with bad energy, whether they are family or not. PJ's - "Ignorance is Bliss", just say it under your breath. I'm kidding. I hated having to work when my daughter was young. I wanted to be there for her. Mothers feel that on an instinctual level and I think the PJ comment is frustration or guilt. I had my moments when I was glad to go back to work because it was easier than taking care of just one child at times. Hats off to you for having four and there boys. Wanting to go back to work for a break, will carry some guilt with it.

I have a question? Did the person say nosy say it to you directly or did someone repeat it back to you? I'm not a fan of repeating mean comments. I think some people enjoy doing it, but they disguise it as warning you or something, meanwhile they know it's hurtful. If the person said it to you directly, don't bother with them. I have friends that love me and appreciate my concern for them. I'm too old to waste time trying to get people to like me, like I did when I was younger. I didn't act caddy when I was pregnant. I was blissful, big, but blissful. I have a friend who has boys and she would fix my daughters hair when she was with her. I never considered her to be jealous. If anything, they should take the opportunity to let you babysit their girls. It's a win/win.

Maria - posted on 02/28/2010

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Well, it sounds as if your in-laws enjoy a bit of drama and gossip.

If they make another comment like the "pj's" one, just respond, "Yeah, rright! Just you wait..."

If you ask how they're doing and they say you're nosy, just say, "I'm just trying to be friendly."

And it might be good for you to examine how you interact with your in-laws to see whether there's any behavior you can change to improve your relationship. Family dynamics are so rarely ever a one-way street!

Sherry - posted on 02/27/2010

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Breezy,

oh boy, another set of dimwit inlaws huh? (no offence to you sweety)

I've heard this all before, that stay at home mom's have it easy.... do your self a favor-- have a really really good belly laugh every time you hear it.. if you want to put someone in their place about stay at home moms... must be nice to have ONE career (everyone else who's NOT a stay at home mom) ... Words of wisdom handed down from the generations states that "stay at home mom's do not sit around in just their PJ's"! My sister once said to me the same thing, and I'd finally had it with her-- to the point where I got real sarcastic one day and finally said "yeah must be nice to have ONE job, try having 10 twenty-four hours a day" Following what I'm saying? Sweety let me tell you-- your a Jill of all trades... a cook, nurse, psychiatrist, dr, food source, playmate, taxi, and the list just goes on and on and on... so don't let those "people with little minds" get you down. Your mother in law might not get it, but I'll almost guarantee your GRANDMOTHER does... I know that might sound bad but... Us women had the hard job of staying at home and taking care of the home and family while the men were out making the means for us to take care of that house and family.. Don't ever EVER feel bad about that

Amber's right, The rest of the world be damned. If your hubbie is able to provide so you monitarily then just let those nasty comments in one ear and out the other-- its' not worth the time or aggrivation worrying about it.

As for your mother in law.. my mom would say one thing one minute and another the next when i was pregnant... my best advice to you would be to take any barb they dish out with a grain of salt and a bit of caution. We all get a little weird when we're pregnant and don't necessarily mean it.

Amber's also right in her comments about not missing anything as your children grow up... Your sister in laws obviously work and will be returning after they're 3 or 4 month maternity leave... I have to admit I feel bad for your sister in laws... there's a good chance they'll miss alot of the important milestones their child will go through because they're not always there... My best friend didn't even know her daughter was potty trained until the daycare told her, or found out what the little girl's first word was.. I hope you all the best sweety but remember you may be a stay at home mom but your by no means out of a job/career. Taking care of one's family and children and home life is 150% more fulfilling. At least that's what I think!

Amber - posted on 02/27/2010

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I dont think u are being to sensitive... i mean u are just askin how they are doing and as far as them askin for the namesu picked out is a lil pathetic (no offence) they shouldnt be doing that.. if they know that u wanted a girl then they shouldnt be rubbin it in ur face about it.. or u can take it the total oppisite way where... u picked out the name and they like it... even know they will choose it or not... if they do then deep down u know that u pretty much got to name a baby girl... cuz they got the name from you... and as far as the stay at home mom.... well i dont have a choice but to stay home i went totally blind when i was pregnant with my son and only got some of my vision back... and the doctor wont let me go back... alot of ppl say they wish they can stay home all day... they dont realize what we go threw... they dont see that we are always going to be the bad guy.. and that we dont get a break and if they have never been a stay at home mother they will never know what us stay at home moms do all day.. alot of ppl think that we sit there and wat sop operas all day long... i wish it was that easy... they get a break we dont... well good luck and keep ur head up.. dont let ppl get to u... atleast ur not missin a thing in ur kids life... sister in laws can be a hassel..lol

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