Working vs Staying at home

Angie - posted on 11/27/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have been working part-time for the last 2 1/2 yrs (since I returned to work after having our daughter. Recently there have been some changes in my husbands schedule (which really aren't the best) and now he wants to quit (basically to shove it in his employer's face) and he stay home and I go back to work full-time. We are expecting twins in late May and I do not want to miss out on time with them. I have so enjoyed the last 2 1/2 yrs with my daughter and an looking so forward to being home with our twins as well. My husband is so bitter and mad, hurt and upset about his employer changing his schedule. I do make more money per hour then he does, but I am so against this. Help?!

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Becca - posted on 12/03/2012

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good luck with your twins, and i hope you convince your husband that the bets is for YOU to stay home but not him, because you the one doing breastfeeding not him.

Angie - posted on 12/03/2012

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Thank you Fit2BMe! These questions are easy for me to answer and in the best interest of my family I simply cannot return to work full time and my husband stay home. He is only wanting to stay home with our kids because he's mad at his work for changing his hours and wants to to quit simply because of this. When he is home with out 2 yr old he does not play with her, interact with her. I have taken the time to play, interact, teach her things like her alphabet and numbers. We color and do art projects. Our 2 yr old does not respond to him well. He gets tired and irritated too quickly and when I come home from the two days I work I ask how she was and he always has something negative to say. I rarely have problems with her outside her normal "terrible two" behavior. He thinks she should never tell him no. He thinks she should always be saying Please and Thank You. And yes, if he were to stay home with our three young children, I would resent him deeply. I have loved the last 2.5 yrs I've gotten to be with my daughter and when I found out I was pregnant again, and with twins I was even more elated that I'm part-time getting to spend so much time at home. Again, I want to thank you for your response!

Fit2BMe - posted on 11/29/2012

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I'm hesitant to express too much in the way of personal opinions, as my own thoughts and feelings on the issue don't matter, this is about you and your hubby. What I can do is ask some questions though that may help you decide how to handle it.



If you go back to work full time and your husband stays home, can you be ok with that decision without feeling resentful towards your husband, overburdened as a mother, and very sad about missing that time?

-there is no right or wrong answer to this. However, if you would feel resentful, acknowledging the truth of that is important as the costs of you going back to work could be much greater than you anticipate if it puts a huge strain on your marriage and on you personally.



Do you plan to breastfeed your twins? If so, how will you make that work with you out of the home full-time?



If you decide for your husband to stay home, does he understand what that all involves and is there a set agreement on what the roles would be when you came home from work. Ie. would you take over as primary care giver, be expected to clean or cook etc. even explore what the expectations and impact might be on your sex life. You would return home exhausted from work, and he exhausted from his day. I find when mother's go to work there is more of an unspoken assumption that when they return home they do everything. Conversely when fathers go to work, often (not always) mothers stay as primary caregiver even after father's have returned home, albeit dad's may play with their kids. So that discussion would need to take place.



What might the impact of being a stay at home dad be on your husband's self esteem? Is he a guy that wouldn't care, or would it eventually erode at his male ego (which isn't a bad thing by the way.)



Is your husband likely to treat the role seriously, playing with, educating, and taking careful care of the kids, or is he the type that might try to take the easy way out, plopping them in front of TV and doing his own thing.



Has he honestly searched for and considered alternative solutions?



Is there a possibility of you both working part time rather than one of you working full time?



What does your husband see himself doing after the paternity leave is over, or does he see this as being a more long-term deal until kids are in school? Will the gap in his résumé make it more difficult to gain employment in the future?



What do his friends and family think? Is that of any concern to him? (Not suggesting it should or should not be, but rather that it can be for some and not for others.)



Is staying at home with the kids something he wants to do, or is this an escape for him and a means of running away from a problem that he doesn't want to face? If he genuinely has interest in the kids and playing that role (work situation aside, and even if things were suddenly perfect at work again) that would be one thing. Quite different if the decision is more about running away from the problem, as that may come out in his parenting at home, if the decision wasn't really FOR the kids and his relationship with them so much as about him and his reaction to work.



What is your raw, honest, private thought/feeling on the matter? Knowing that is important because when you are tired, angry, or otherwise hit a rough patch (which everyone does at some point) THOSE are te words and feelings that will likely come out.



To pretend to be ok with something, or go along with it when you really are not, can seem like the "good wife" thing to do. However, if its not honest and try to yourself, true to him, and true to your kids, it will come out later in a potentially damaging way, and ultimately sets you guys up for failure.



Hope none of this sounds disrespectful in any way. Certainly hasn't been intended in that tone.



Whatever your decision, I hope you both consider it from all sides and come to an agreement on something that is truly beneficial for everyone.



Take care.

Jessica - posted on 11/28/2012

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In a way, I wish I had this problem. It's great that you have a good paying job! I'm sorry to hear your husband is not happy with his. This is a hard decision, Would you be working full or part time? If part time, that's not so bad, but full time is more tough. I think I would step up to the plate and do whatever it is that would make the most money and happiness, even though I would love to be with my kids. It's so nice how woman can be the breadwinner, so if that is what you end up doing, good for you!

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