y is it that i feel like i lost all my friends..

Samantha Neil - posted on 11/16/2009 ( 43 moms have responded )

62

46

12

ever since i have had my kids and well im pregent agian i feel like ppls dont come around as much or i have to go to them .. just to see them..

just wondering if its just me or whats going on .. as well as im a stay at home mom so its like no one else does this these days ..

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Debra - posted on 11/16/2009

38

15

6

People without children, (that I have talked with and flat out asked) see it as a kind of exclusive "club". Mommy's have someone else to worry about and sometimes they feel left out as well, so they just distance themselves.
Others may feel we have so much on out plates (lack of sleep, having to find a babysitter, etc) that it is just easier (on the mommy) not to invite. They wait until we have the time to come around and see them.


I have only ever had a handful of close friends in my life. They are all still around for me, when I am able to get out to see them, or call them. ( I also live about 10-20+ hours away) Don't take it personally, if you value the friendship then just talk to them about it. Say "hey, I would love to see/talk to you more, is there a reason you don't come around?" The only thing that works here is honesty. Friendship, like any relationship, thrives on communication and honesty.

[deleted account]

This is an old post, but I wanted to answer Arelle's question about approaching other moms.

When J was little, and I was trying to make "mom friends" I would always try to get to storytimes or classes a little early. There were always a few minutes to chat with other moms before things started, but if you wait until after, most of the kids are irritable and the moms are in a hurry to leave. So go early.
I would always just walk up to a mom and give her kid a complement, like "Hi, couldn't help but notice your son is speaking really well to be so little!" Or point out some other milestone that the kid seems a little advanced in. Try to avoid complements about the way the kids looks (so cute, pretty curls, etc) because the mom may not be the birth mom, and because we don't really have much control over how our kids look, but if you complement a milestone, the mom will really open up about what she is doing with her kid. At first, ALL moms will brag about how great they are doing, because we want to impress the other moms and no one wants to be a whiner, but later as you get to know them they will be more open about their struggles and imperfections.
If the kids are too young to be hitting milestones, complement the mom--this time it is okay to complement her looks. "Your hair is lovely! I'm having such a hard time finding a good stylist..." She'll tell you who she uses and what she had done. You can also point out cute baby equipment "I like your wrap, mine is not so comfy." She'll tell you what she's using.

Also, don't "one up" other moms. If a mom is really proud that her 16 month old just took his first steps and your son walked at 10 months, don't just say "Tommy walked at 10 months! Crazy how fast they are up and running." Instead, say "Congratulations! It is so much fun to watch them toddle around." If your kid did hit a milestone really early and the other mom asks about it, reply with pride and humility, "Tommy walked really early at 10 months, it was a total shock for us because it took forever for him to learn to crawl! (or roll over, or whatever).

Lastly, remember that most moms are just as desperate to meet new friends as you are. Most of them are really happy that you spoke to them because they are too shy to speak first. Just grab some courage and go for it.
Also, people love to give advice because most of us are doubting what we are doing, so hearing someone ask for advice is a huge complement because it means -- You are doing something right! So ask, even if you don't really need advice.

43 Comments

View replies by

Arelle - posted on 10/10/2013

7

0

1

I am going through the same thing. Because I can't drop everything and go to the bar all night or rush out of town on a whim my single friends have dropped me. I have a 12 week old beautiful boy, my husband works a lot but is wonderful at home...but I can't rely on him to be my soul social life. Fargo has no mom groups...I go to the lactation groups and watch other moms bond but I get the cold shoulder.

As a 23 year old I realize that they may not view me as an "equal" but I'm lucky that I found the love of my life and got started earlier...being a stay at home mom was my dream I didn't miss out on anything...nor was I irresponsible.

How does a person approach other moms?

[deleted account]

Quoting India:

I haven't read all the responses but I'm wondering if those that think lonely moms should find other lonely moms have any experience with the "COMPETITIVE" moms that drive me crazy...I mean you think that people who are in the same boat as you would love to be friends with you because you have so much in common, but I have found so many mom friends that end up trying to one up you so much that you don't even want to bother anymore? anyone else experience this???


These "COMPETITIVE" Moms aren't people I tend to hang out with and I really don't like them. I have a hard enough time with esteem issues that I don't need to be one uped or feel as if I am inferior. No one needs that. I like being friends with other moms who aren't affraid to be real and ask the hard questions or say "this mommy thing scares the crap out of me!". I also like having the ability to ask who is your family doctor... What do you thinks... or just have someone else there to be with. I know not everyone has this luxury but damn it WE ALL NEED IT!



I think this part of FB is great b/c we can all be here and ask the hard questions and not be judged. We are looking for that support!



Samantha, We are here for you too hun!

India - posted on 11/20/2009

22

0

2

I haven't read all the responses but I'm wondering if those that think lonely moms should find other lonely moms have any experience with the "COMPETITIVE" moms that drive me crazy...I mean you think that people who are in the same boat as you would love to be friends with you because you have so much in common, but I have found so many mom friends that end up trying to one up you so much that you don't even want to bother anymore? anyone else experience this???

[deleted account]

Samantha,

It seems we all have your back. :) I recently moved closer to my mom. I had a "best friend" who lived 5 houses down and never came over. She was always too busy. I had "friends" that never called and when I put out the we are babyless text to everyone I got nothing in return. Now that I live now I have my true best friend and our girls are buddies.

Someone once told me too that her and her husband had to remind their friends that they were married, not dead, when they were avoided. Maybe the reminder of this fact would help?

Play dates are wonderful. And finding an ability to have a hobby you can do with your child there is something to look into too. I'm a photographer so we went for walks in the city, when we lived there. Now we go out and play with the camera in the yard or field.

It also gets easier once your little one starts to walk and be a bit more independent. It makes things so much easier!

I hope you feel better soon.

Desiree - posted on 11/20/2009

39

11

1

Well I think that some people can't expcet the fact that hey I don't have that much time to go out because I'm taking care of my kid's and teaching them thing's. Or there really busy. If your fous is your kid's your a great mom. If somthing bother's u just shake it off and then look at your kid's smile and trust that everything will be ok.

Tracey - posted on 11/20/2009

9

37

0

yeah i know.it's like i've suddenly got the plague or something! no-one comes to visit us.i have to ask people to come round,and even then some of them don't bother.my 2 youngest are 8 months and 2 and a half.we don't get out much so visitors would be great.i feel lonely sometimes.

Melissa - posted on 11/20/2009

5

27

1

Hi, the exact same thing happened to us when we had our first child, we now have three. People without kids just don't have the patience to put up with others, thats what I have put it down to anyway. The best thing I have done since having my children was to join the local playgroup. Not only are all those other mothers in the same boat as you, they are great support and I have made so many great friendships from going. It takes a few times going before you get your groove, but trust me it will be worth it and your old friends are going to wonder why you have no time for them. Good luck and know your not alone.

Marie - posted on 11/19/2009

27

14

2

Its hard but unfortunately it happens. It seemed like some friends drifted away when I got married and then even more when I had my daugther and became a stay at home mom. Ive thought about it and I guess although Im the same person...I dont have the same priorites my old friends have. Im 20 and married and most of them are 20-21 and single. So when Im at home making dinner, getting my daughter ready for bed, and spending time with my husband theyre...being 20. And from experience, sometimes they take our having to stay home and take care of our familys as not wanting to go out with them. When they start to have children they'll understand better.

Chloe - posted on 11/19/2009

89

43

13

hey my frineds would come see me when i was pregent then when i had my son there come arould to see my son for the first 3 weeks then i never seen them again, there dont talk to me now or anything, but now that ones pregent she now wants to see me and ask me about baby stuff and wants my son old baby stuff. iam stay at honee mum the only people that talk to me is the people at the gym i go to there good, there take my son so i can work out. if i didnt go to the gym i dont think i have anyone to talk too

Kristy - posted on 11/19/2009

17

6

2

i have the same problem even when everybody found out i was pregnent it seemed like they all strayed, im a stay at home mom to and it seems lonely when nobody bothers u its weird how once u have kids u feel like ur almost not good enough for ur old friends @ least thats how i feel

Danielle - posted on 11/19/2009

1

6

0

I feel the same way so you are not alone. My youngest is 10 but was born with a physical disability so I withdrew from work to care for her. People around me looked at me and her as if we had something contagious and as time has gone by I have felt as what little friends I had went on with their lives and left me behind. Do you feel like you have lost touch with the outside world? I do.

Patricia - posted on 11/19/2009

1

12

0

I have learned that when you have kids, you should have friends that have kids too. They are the ones who will understand you and what's going on in your life. It's hard to keep friends that don't have kids because they are free to do whatever comes up.

Vicky - posted on 11/19/2009

2

29

0

i went through the same thing when i had my kids but i now find when i bump into them we dont really have much in common i think it gets better when the kids start school and nursery as you meet lots of people who had the same with there friends i have made some gr8 mates since through toddlers and nursery

Bridgie - posted on 11/19/2009

11

4

1

yes ure rite im d same here everyone forgets u unless u visit r call dem,it can be hard

Jordana - posted on 11/19/2009

8

16

0

i feel the exact same way! Im 22 years old and my daughter just turned 8 months today! But once i got pregnant i wasnt "fun" anymore, and all my friends just stopped talking to me. Most of them didnt even attend my baby shower, and once the baby was born they all want me to go out with them..I'm hurt by that. I feel like when i was pregnant i wasnt good enough, and since i do have a baby im still not good enough. Its hard. I feel your pain :(

Iris - posted on 11/19/2009

130

20

3

It is normal to feel that way. I had the same problem when I had my son. And I still do because I don't drink anymore or go out and have fun.. My friends started dissappearing too when I was younger. If your friends are single, then that is normal. I had to find some friends who had children themselves who my children can play with while i visited with them..

Hajira - posted on 11/18/2009

7

17

1

Hi! i am sorry you are going thru this. take heart things change for the better as kids grow older. just keep in touch hi-tech way. make it a point to see them. u push don't wait for frens/family to see you. i've beeen SAHM for 11plus years. i lost a lot of frens but those who stay are de greatest

Amanda - posted on 11/18/2009

9

22

0

Is there any stay at home mums that want to catch up in Sth Australia, As I have 2 boys 5yr and 2ys and wonder if there are any other mums that just like to catch up for a chat and play date for the kids. If you are in sth australia drop me a line and I would love a chat.

LeeAnne - posted on 11/18/2009

5

7

0

same boat here too. only i lost friends who dont have kids and see the ones who do less and less as time goes bye. when we do call each other is to make play dates. guess kids just do that, take up all our time!!!

Tamara - posted on 11/18/2009

2

20

0

i think its just something that happenes, i just had my daughter on the 13th of october, when i was pregnant all my friends were around now i dont hear from anyone. It really sucks but look at it this way its more time for just you and your child to bond and do things together :)

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2009

1,606

10

227

When you have kids your life changes and when your friends don't have them theirs changes in a different way. It's hard to find things to do together when your priorities are so very different. I can't pick up and decide to go to dinner on a Thursday night at 10 with a friend just because anymore. My priorities are my kids and my husband. Some of my friends can still do stuff like that. Even going to lunch with my friends who have kids but work is awkward because I still have my two that I'm trying to keep under control. As a matter of fact those friends don't like to do that anymore because they are on break, which is something I never get. Again very different lives. I have like one other friend that's a stay at home mom and she lives an hour away so we don't get to do anything. The stay at home mom thing has become a lot more rare then it used to be (because of choice or necessity). It's not just you, it's just an adaptation to life's changes. Your real friends will stick around when everyone's done with this latest adjustment. It'll all work itself out. Don't feel alone. Maybe you could find a play group or something to join.

Melissa - posted on 11/18/2009

10

4

1

Friends? What are those??

I live in the same town as my in laws and rarely see them...it is a very small town where everyone knows everyone's business. I moved here nearly 6 years ago and still have not found even one person to befriend me!

Dannie - posted on 11/18/2009

25

25

3

I feel the same exact way! I'm a stay at home mom and I have a 17 month old and I'm 5 months pregnant. I have to set up appointments with my friends! It's crazy! Don't feel alone!

Tarynne - posted on 11/18/2009

15

8

0

i am a young mom, had my son at age 20, and im proud to have my son. But i did lose alot of firends becuase of my choices, and you know what thats there problem. If my friends are to immature and cant understand why i want to grow up , then screw em. I have friends that have kids now .... born this year and im closer to them becuz they know what its like. When you get married your husband and kids come first , and those single no kids friends dont like it or understand it. so if they stop talking to you, its not ur loss its theirs. yea you loss out on your friends, but just cuz you have kids doesnt mean your life stops, its just fuller and ppl without kids dont see it that way. i know how it feels to not have your friends anymore, but in the long run, my friends now are way better then the ones i lost.

Jamie - posted on 11/18/2009

1

20

0

IMO it just that once you start a family priorities change. Friends are starting their own families or doing their own thing. Ive moved away from all of my closest friends now, and we stay in touch online mostly. Try not to get discouraged.

[deleted account]

Its because you entered a new time in your life friends come and go and your true friends do stay!!!!!! do you go to any mother groups or play groups they are great to get some adult conversations and met new friends with the same interests!!! I now have friends that i thought i would never hang around before kids but now there some of my closest.... Oh and i am a stay at home mom...

Carolee - posted on 11/17/2009

21,950

17

585

Same thing happened to me. I was the first one of my "friends" to have a baby. They treated me like I was diseased or something. Now, only 2 of those people are still in touch with me, but I almost never see them. One of my other "friends" had a baby the year after me, and she decided (evidently) that her baby and her life were more important than keeping up friendships. I'm in the midst of making new friends now, though. I think, at least for me, that when I found friends AFTER I became a mom, those friendships are stronger... because they understand. If somebody doesn't like kids, they aren't going to befriend a mom, because they know that the kids come with the territory. I know a lot of single people who thought I was "giving up my life" to become a mom. You'll find other, more suitable friends soon. I know it's hard to say goodbye to old friends... one of the hardest things in transitioning to being a mom, I think. It will all be okay, though. Don't worry. Let everyone know how you feel, and see how it works out. It might get lonely, but it will be okay soon.

Wendy - posted on 11/17/2009

195

33

10

Unfortunately this happens all to often. Especially when your friends don't have kids. If they decide to make it harder to keep contact, that is their choice. Let them, if they don't keep contact themselves knowing that you have kids and are busy - they aren't really worth the time and effort. True friends will be around no matter what. A great way to meet new people and make new friends is to join a mom/parent group where you live.

Heather - posted on 11/17/2009

6

23

0

OMG I agree! My friends I used to have and even some family members do seem to look at me being a stay at home mom as such a foreign thing. Maybe it is these days. All I know is I can't wait to graduate and start being a working mom again, but I am also soooo thankful to the Lord that he blessed me with the gift of being a stay at home mom for this time period. BC being a stay at home mom is pretty awesome. I love the time I get with my baby boy! It was nice having all the friends and stuff back then but their isn't nothing I would rather do then hang out with kids. So if those old friends dont wanna come around like they used to well then I aint chasing them. =)

Ebony - posted on 11/17/2009

10

26

0

I had a few friends like that but when I started noticing their patterns I just let them go becayse true friends to me wouldn;t do that.

Stefie - posted on 11/17/2009

428

33

49

Yes! It is hard to keep friends when you have kids. The kids have needs and make it hard to keep appointments at times, and it is tough. I am a Navy wife and have moved three times in my two years of marriage. I get really depressed because I lose friends each time we move and being pregant does not give me the energy to go out and socialize. I get down, feel bad, cry a little, and then push myself to get out. I find that when we find a church it is a awesome place to meet more moms. So far I have not found a Church that fits us here, but we are joining the YMCA. We are joining the baby/mommie swim. I am very excited to meet more MOMs.

Cathy - posted on 11/16/2009

3

3

0

Hi Samantha,



I don't know where you live but is there a playgroup/mothers group near you? If so, you could always go to that and you get to meet new mums and your children get to play with other children around the same ages. If there isn't, maybe you could form one yourself and have the group either at a playground/park, or you could alternate between each others homes etc. The possibilities with playgroup/mothers group are endless as you can do whatever the mum's want to organise. Where I am we have a mother's group and we alternate between going to each other's homes, going to a playground, going to a park etc. If it's at someone's home we give the homeowner $2 and everyone brings a plate of morning tea or afternoon tea (whichever applies). We do have several rules though; no complaining about other mums, clean up whatever mess you and/or you children make before you leave and if it's at someone home and most mum's are leaving at the same time, we ALL get together with the children and pack up the toys so the home is left clean and tidy. It's really about common courtesy. In today's society, people have become more selfish and even time-poor which leaves the ones with some time wondering why no-one comes to see them. It's unfortunate that you then have to do all visiting so you can have adult company. This sort of behaviour happens everywhere. It even happens to me too (I go to mothers group once a week with my 2 littlies). I am though at the age (37) where I'm tired of doing all the work in keeping friendships 'alive' and if they don't make the effort, I don't worry about them anymore and move on. Life is too short to be worrying about selfish people. Something else you could do too is have a look at yourself inside; do you like your own company? Do YOU know what type of a person you are? Just some questions to ask yourself as maybe people might not like your company so much. Not saying this to offend. You could take up some kind interest/hobby to alleviate boredom etc. Mine is scrapbooking. I could go back to work but by time I work and then have to pay for daycare for my 2 kids, I have found it's not worth it in the end. Worth it for the adult company and to have space from my kids, but not worth it for the exhaustion at the end of the week and then don't feel like spending time with the kids. You need to do what's best and right for you and your children. I hope any of this helped and I wish you luck. Cheers Cathy

Amanda - posted on 11/16/2009

28

19

2

Sadly once you have kids and your friends don't they dump you like yesterday's news. I have very few friends and I am always busy with my kids and hubby and that is what is important. Your family needs you and if your friends are your true friends they will be there for you. Dump the one's you don't need.

DaiVette - posted on 11/16/2009

1

5

0

No I feel the same way. Its like they can go out have some drinks and do other we preggers can't. So instead of trying to make us feel bad they just leave us out and we feel bad anyway.

Simone - posted on 11/16/2009

150

20

12

i no how you feel, i've just had my 3rd baby, and if i don't go and see ppl they won't come and see me. i talk alot on the phone to my friends, but everyones got there own familys, so no one's really got time for anything. my partner keeps tell me to go out, but because i'm breastfeeding i'm finding it had. i'm planning to go out with the girls next weekend just to have a catch up, but who no's if it's going to happen or not. maybe when my baby gets a little older.

India - posted on 11/16/2009

22

0

2

I know you are looking for advice here...but unfortunately I got the "me too's", I'm really feeling out of touch with everyone...even my own family...it seems that everyone is involved in their own lives and if your not "free" enough to be available to them than nobody bothers with you...

sincerely,
feeling lonely boo hoo....no sir just trying to make yall smile a little...at least our kids love us right?

Juani - posted on 11/16/2009

1

14

0

I have 4 kids. And I have learned to surround myself with people that have the same situations and expectations we have. Some friends have come and gone and we lightly keep in touch. But your true friends will be around no matter what. The ones that don't, you don't need in your life. And the truth is, I don't have too much in common with the friends that do not have children anymore. We have "lunch dates" with the kids and all get together to go to the movies, the zoo, chuckie cheese...just to chat and bring up anything we can help each other with. Those are the friends you need anyways

Jennifer - posted on 11/16/2009

167

1

5

I don't know why this happens but it does. Most of my friends drifted off and have not come back. We also stopped one friendship (my hubby and I) after they complained often that we always had the kids along. Being a stay at home mom just makes it harder. There is a lot of preconseptions about us. Most people dont realize how much we really do. So not only do we lose our nonparent friends but also some working moms seem to shun us as well. I also have another for some reasion other stay at home moms who dont homeschool seem to avoid me since I started homeschooling. No you are not alone and we all feel alone. Try to find a group of stay at home moms to get togther with (at least thats what I keep being told. I dont do well with groups of people I dont know so thats not really an option for me) It might help. Good luck and try to stay positive. In todays world women have had to fight to get the right to work now we fight to be respected for choosing to stay with our children....

Aisa - posted on 11/16/2009

72

55

2

i know how you feel, i hardly see any of my friends now and i'm at home with my son all day. it's hard to stay in contact with them all with lil ones.

i probably wont see my friends for a few weeks at a time, my son is now 10 weeks old and im starting to leave him alone with his dad a bit more so i can have and hour os so too myself where i either see my friends or do my own thing.

Patty - posted on 11/16/2009

94

36

23

I am in the exact boat. My friends have pretty much disappeared which is weird because I don't feel like I have change just I had kids. I'm told that when peopl have kids of thier own they will come around but I can't say I want people around who didn't want to be there for me. I'm sorry you're going tho the same thing, if it helps any you're not allow

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms