at wits end.

Lolly_loulou - posted on 03/05/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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im totally at my wits end with my stepdaughter and partner, im just sick and tired of the arrogance, rudeness and dam right pig headedness of them both. cant take it anymore and seriously thinking of moving out. as i need to think of my daughter and what affect this environment will have on her. because there is no way im having my little girl grow up and be arrogant and disrespectful towards me because of what she see's on a daily basis.

i was left looking after sarah again tonight even thou i voiced my opinion 10 times that i didnt want to do it. and finally that i wouldnt do it because he chose to ignore me. he then got his 14 year old boy to babysit her knowing fall well he would not be able to cope and i would have to deal with her. she came in an hour late, leaving her friend here for that hr waiting for her. she then took 45 mins to eat dinner because she kept getting up from table and playing the wii. then when i sent her to bed she then got back up an hour later. and ignored me when i asked her 5 times to go back to bed. when in the end stu told her to go to bed, and she stomped upstairs and i asked her not to stomp because she would wake the baby, she again ignored me, so i raised my voice and told her not to do it, them stu had the ball to have ago at me..

am i in the wrong some how? did i miss somethg??? i thought we were ment to work as a team

15 Comments

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Sandy - posted on 03/07/2009

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lol No worries Jessica...We all come from different experiences and different things affect each of us differently.  Its so easy on here not to fully understand someones situation also...not everyone is going to agree on everything...and thats totally ok ...just a bunch of moms ventin and chattin and as long as we respect each other we don't always have to agree anyway...lol so no worries : )

Lolly_loulou - posted on 03/07/2009

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Quoting Jessica:



 I also only meant that they play together with the toys.  when one or the other is not home their room is off-limits and when the teen is watching tv and idly kicking around the baby's toys she gets in trouble - I think people took what I said all wrong - it was probably too late at night for me to explain properly and tactfully what I meant. LOL






We have to remember that one little phrase can sound very different when we don't know someone's whole background.  I'm very sorry Louise I think I very much misunderstood your situation.  In my house (and I also do everything for everyone in the house so I relate to those feelings) we had a very bad summer because my stepdaughter was extremely disrespectful and it all stemmed from feelings of being replaced by the new baby and her mom planting ideas that I would no longer love her because now I had "my own" kid.  None of this was true, but it took us all summer to figure out the problem and so like I said sometimes we don't realize it's something we're doing.  Although there was no way around it I was spending almost all of my time with the baby because he needed way more attention than a 13 yr old who lived on the computer!  She took as me ignoring her and not loving her because of horrible ideas her biomom planted, and it took months to realize that was the problem.  So, I hope now that you know where my thoughts were you'll understand that I simply read what you were saying and put too much of my own experience in it, therefore giving you what was probably horrible advice in your case.  That's why it's important to take everything with a grain of salt when you're talking to virtual strangers.  I posted a conversation asking for help a while back and accidently made it sound like my husband was a jerk and got all this advice about how to tell him to smarten up when he wsasn't the problem at all - again it's very important to be careful what you read into a situation! 






Sorry!!





lol all is forgiven lol its a easy mistake to make.. and i hope i didnt come across as rude as thats not my way

Jessica - posted on 03/07/2009

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 I also only meant that they play together with the toys.  when one or the other is not home their room is off-limits and when the teen is watching tv and idly kicking around the baby's toys she gets in trouble - I think people took what I said all wrong - it was probably too late at night for me to explain properly and tactfully what I meant. LOL



We have to remember that one little phrase can sound very different when we don't know someone's whole background.  I'm very sorry Louise I think I very much misunderstood your situation.  In my house (and I also do everything for everyone in the house so I relate to those feelings) we had a very bad summer because my stepdaughter was extremely disrespectful and it all stemmed from feelings of being replaced by the new baby and her mom planting ideas that I would no longer love her because now I had "my own" kid.  None of this was true, but it took us all summer to figure out the problem and so like I said sometimes we don't realize it's something we're doing.  Although there was no way around it I was spending almost all of my time with the baby because he needed way more attention than a 13 yr old who lived on the computer!  She took as me ignoring her and not loving her because of horrible ideas her biomom planted, and it took months to realize that was the problem.  So, I hope now that you know where my thoughts were you'll understand that I simply read what you were saying and put too much of my own experience in it, therefore giving you what was probably horrible advice in your case.  That's why it's important to take everything with a grain of salt when you're talking to virtual strangers.  I posted a conversation asking for help a while back and accidently made it sound like my husband was a jerk and got all this advice about how to tell him to smarten up when he wsasn't the problem at all - again it's very important to be careful what you read into a situation! 



Sorry!!

Jessica - posted on 03/07/2009

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Oh, well then I agree - it sounded very different in the little blurb above.  But my main point was really that sometimes when disaplining it's important to think what you would do if they were truly yours and not treat them any differently.  Remember that EVERY child has their own personality even if they were all raised together so you have to treat them differently too.  However, it's starting to sound like it's really just your husband that needs a good talking to.  Of course she'll manipulate and use him if he's making it so easy - sounds like he needs to get a reality check that it's him causing the problem.

Chrissy - posted on 03/07/2009

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I do agree with both views on 'hand me downs'...my baby boy has a TON of clothes from his older brothers....videos...etc. But when I buy him a toy to play with (a BABY toy), unless the older boys are playing -with- the baby, they aren't allowed to play with it. Just because he's the youngest, doesn't mean he never gets to have his 'own' stuff. I think it's critical that every child (oldest/middle/youngest) feel that they have their own special stuff AND stuff that has to be shared. There's no reason why older kids should play with baby stuff honestly...just like the baby can't play with their stuff. I guess I feel so strongly because I bought something really cool and sorta expensive for my baby at Christmas and one of the older boys was playing with it and it broke...not cool.



Trust me when I say though that every boy has hand me downs (even the oldest...my sister has older kids) and there's nothing wrong with sharing/using someone else's stuff. I have just found that the boys need to be aware that the baby isn't just some 'object'...he's a person who has his own stuff too =)

Lolly_loulou - posted on 03/07/2009

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Quoting Sandy:



I don't necessarily agree.  I don't find anything wrong with the fact that you want to take good care of the babies things until she gets to use them.  I do that even with my biological kids, it teaches them respect for other peoples things and it makes it so toys and things arent dirty and broken before the inteded child even gets to them.  Of course we have toys that are free for alls and the older girls also get new things that the other kids have to respect are not ( open to the public ) yet, nothing wrong with that.  I don't think it is a matter of treating the step child different, I think it is a matter of wanting the baby to have her own stuff as well and wanting to take care of her things.  I'm sure the older child also get this priviledge?





thanku .. lol yes sarah gets the same privileges. i try to make sure none of the kids touch whats not theirs unless they have asked the other person if they can use it.  now my ss micky has a xbox 360. and sd sarah gets to use it even if micky has said she cant because dad says she can. even if i remind him that micky dont want her touching it. shes aloud in his room, touch all his stuff, but no one is aloud to touch her stuff.    now that is spoilt. and im sick of hearing the excuse.. but she's only a baby.   NO SHE IS NOT

Lolly_loulou - posted on 03/07/2009

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Quoting Jessica:



I imagine she's partially reacting to the fact that you clearly treat them as step child versus my child - you just said you are upset that a baby is getting second hand stuff and that the older girl is playing with it.  I grew up as the oldest with two biological parents and I still had tons of second-hand stuff from friends and cousins - what's wrong with that?  Maybe you need to change your mindset about where everyone fits because kids will pick up on your feelings.  It's important to be giving special time and special things to both kids and it's also important to be making them share time (parents attention) and stuff.  I have a 13 yr old girl (step) and a 1 year old boy and they actually share toys - seems like they wouldn't have much in common but it doesn't matter - they need to learn to act like brother and sister and as they share interests they learn that lesson and it's wonderful and makes me feel closer watching them play - but it took a lot of work on my part to get them there!






I don't mean to sound as rude as it does, but give it some thought because we never like to hear that we might be the ones in the wrong, but sometimes we are - trust me I had a very similar situation last summer before I changed my mindset.





actually i try to treat them as my own, and my little girl has loads of second hand stuff, i just dont think its right that someone else gets to help there selfs to stuff that clearly is not theirs to touch, i was raised to share but u dont help yaself to other peoples things especially when u have been told u are not aloud it.   i do everythg for my stepchildren. including taking them to family do's, girly chats boy chats. clean up after them help them with homework. hell i even go through their hair twice a week because sarah will not keep her hair up at school like she is asked every day. and comes home with nits. their dad dont do none of this. i do. i ask them how their day was at school, i try and show and intrest in what they are learning and what they did at school, their father does none of this. but he gets the respect, when all he does is cook dinner and sits on his lazy arse playing ps3 games.  sarah has always been used to running the house,she gets what she wants.  she's 9 for christ sakes.  and thinks she can be disrespectful. at a family party i took her to a month ago, she nearly knocked my mum over who uses a cane to stand and walk. she practically barged past her.  so am i treating her any different.???

Di - posted on 03/06/2009

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You have to remember that little girls can be very manipulative. My hubby doesn't even recognise the manipution and thinks it's all in my head.....but come on, a blind person can see. I am lucky in one way, she is hardly ever on the scene anymore but I have to grit my teeth and bear it when she is here. It's amazing, talking to other step mums in here is making me think differently about how I go about being around my sd. This community is a God send.

Sandy - posted on 03/06/2009

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I don't necessarily agree.  I don't find anything wrong with the fact that you want to take good care of the babies things until she gets to use them.  I do that even with my biological kids, it teaches them respect for other peoples things and it makes it so toys and things arent dirty and broken before the inteded child even gets to them.  Of course we have toys that are free for alls and the older girls also get new things that the other kids have to respect are not ( open to the public ) yet, nothing wrong with that.  I don't think it is a matter of treating the step child different, I think it is a matter of wanting the baby to have her own stuff as well and wanting to take care of her things.  I'm sure the older child also get this priviledge?

Jessica - posted on 03/06/2009

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I imagine she's partially reacting to the fact that you clearly treat them as step child versus my child - you just said you are upset that a baby is getting second hand stuff and that the older girl is playing with it.  I grew up as the oldest with two biological parents and I still had tons of second-hand stuff from friends and cousins - what's wrong with that?  Maybe you need to change your mindset about where everyone fits because kids will pick up on your feelings.  It's important to be giving special time and special things to both kids and it's also important to be making them share time (parents attention) and stuff.  I have a 13 yr old girl (step) and a 1 year old boy and they actually share toys - seems like they wouldn't have much in common but it doesn't matter - they need to learn to act like brother and sister and as they share interests they learn that lesson and it's wonderful and makes me feel closer watching them play - but it took a lot of work on my part to get them there!



I don't mean to sound as rude as it does, but give it some thought because we never like to hear that we might be the ones in the wrong, but sometimes we are - trust me I had a very similar situation last summer before I changed my mindset.

Lolly_loulou - posted on 03/06/2009

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Quoting Jane:



Hi, you are not alone, i am in pretty much the same position. I have been having therapy for about 3 years now because i cant cope with my stepdaughter, and my husband more often than not takes her side. It is very hard.  She is 13 now, i have 3 girls of my own and like you dont want them growing up in this environment. I have considered leaving myself, but it would be giving her what she wants. She has never liked me, was the first girl born into my husband's family for 100 years and is totally spoilt. I have known her since she was 8 and she has always been moody, insolent and rude. My husband wont have this and says she is shy but not after 6 years she isnt. She is just rude. She goes out dolled up to the nines in make up and stuff and we argue non stop about her. I just want you to know you are not alone in this one, i am constantly going through it too. My therapist says i have to detatch myself from it but you cant when you live in the same house.






Keep your chin up - dont let her see shes getting to you, she will see this as winning.






You are supposed to work as a team but it rarely happens.






all the best






Jane





i feel for you to, if you have been driven to therapy.   why is it the dad cant se them for the way they really are, instead of making excuses.  my partner is totally wrapped round her finger, if he buys my little girl a toy, or story book sarah ends up getting to play /read it before my baby will get a chance.  so in fact my baby gets second hand stuff off her father. its wrong. even if i buy somethg and put it up out of the way, and say to him dont let sarah touch it, i then find out she has been playing with it, she tells me, "oh but daddy said i could play with it. "  its like she's trying to rub my nose in it.

Jane - posted on 03/06/2009

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Hi, you are not alone, i am in pretty much the same position. I have been having therapy for about 3 years now because i cant cope with my stepdaughter, and my husband more often than not takes her side. It is very hard.  She is 13 now, i have 3 girls of my own and like you dont want them growing up in this environment. I have considered leaving myself, but it would be giving her what she wants. She has never liked me, was the first girl born into my husband's family for 100 years and is totally spoilt. I have known her since she was 8 and she has always been moody, insolent and rude. My husband wont have this and says she is shy but not after 6 years she isnt. She is just rude. She goes out dolled up to the nines in make up and stuff and we argue non stop about her. I just want you to know you are not alone in this one, i am constantly going through it too. My therapist says i have to detatch myself from it but you cant when you live in the same house.



Keep your chin up - dont let her see shes getting to you, she will see this as winning.



You are supposed to work as a team but it rarely happens.



all the best



Jane

Lolly_loulou - posted on 03/06/2009

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Quoting Di:

Please understand you aren't alone. How misguided most of us are when we take on the role of stepmother. I hear you loud and clear sister. The fact is you aren't in the wrong. It's the theme of so many of these threads, the father not supporting the step mum. It was the same with me and still is to a great degree, but it has got better. Does she live with you or does she visit? How old is she? Is the bm still around? Can we have some more detail please.


hi..  she lives with us. and she is 9 years old, and the bm is only around the corner sofa surfing round some ladies house,  with her to eldest children who made up some terrible lies just so they can live with her,lies that could have made us lose both our children.  yet they are totally worse off. they have no room of their own and no ground rules. they run the streets till all hours, and sam the second eldest actually stands outside our gate at 11:30 at some night and screams at the top of her lungs just to wake the baby up, in the hope it wakes me and her dad up. luckerly little Harmony sleeps quiet soundly and im awake till 12ish anyways..



i can see the two youngest children to my partner following the same path as there is no respect. and im not letting my litle girl turn out like that

Sandy - posted on 03/06/2009

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I don't know your full situation but I will caution you this.  In times of trouble I have often thought myself that maybe my not being here would make things easier on myself my spouse and my SD.  But when I think about it I also consider these factors...



If I were to leave then I am forcing the same fate on my younger children ( with my spouse ) that has been forced on my SD, with possibly the same affect ( behavioural problems, anger, resentment, etc ).



Also, if I were to leave then most like my spouse and myself would go on to have other partner and add potentially more problems to the mix because then all of a sudden not only do I not get along with my SD, but then my girls are suddenly someones step daughters and what if they don't get along with their new step mom?  Or worse what if she doesn't like them and doesn't care for them properly or with love and respect?



Further more, what if it got ugly with my spouse and myself ( no matter how much you love someone this is always a possibility ), and he gets custody of my girls which means I have to fight and wait for visitation.



Right now you are in a position to change things, and to rectify how your spouse and step daughter treat you.  If you were not with your spouse your daughter would end up visiting him and her half sister without you and then you have no input, control, knowledge, etc about what she is hearing or learning about you.



I would say that unless you have fallen out of love with your spouse...then leaving may not bring you the peace and respect that you desire...only dealing with the problem with strength, determination, and a head on approach will do that.



Of course if you no longer think the relationship is viable...then staying together may not be the answer either...only you can decide that : )



Good luck...I hope things get better for you

Di - posted on 03/06/2009

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Please understand you aren't alone. How misguided most of us are when we take on the role of stepmother. I hear you loud and clear sister. The fact is you aren't in the wrong. It's the theme of so many of these threads, the father not supporting the step mum. It was the same with me and still is to a great degree, but it has got better. Does she live with you or does she visit? How old is she? Is the bm still around? Can we have some more detail please.

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