at wits end...full time stepmom...issues abound with mom

Christina - posted on 08/20/2009 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I don't even know where to start on this one. I've been a step-mom for five and a half years, though it's not official the kids call me that and have for many years on their own with not being forced. So I accepted the title when they gave it to me. Their dad and I have been trying for a while to get moved into a house in their school districts so that we could be more involved, even though before we were still quite involved considering we were thirty mintues away.



Well in may we managed to move within three miles of their house. Right after the end of the last school year we switched to an every other week schedule, at mom's one week, here one week. This was wanted buy us and the kids, and going well. then mom got evicted from her house, and after a month long drama of is she staying or going or getting an apartment or what. we ended up getting the kids full time around July 21st. since then it's been nothing but craziness. Their mom is playign this "i miss my babies" card all the time and basically not letting us get into any kind of routine. She calls every single night, and half the time that works up the kids. She gets the kids every weekend, but doesn't get them enough sleep while they are there so there is all kinds of attitude and I just want to sceam! Their dad works second shifts which was okay until this drama. I can't keep up with my job, the kids, and deal with all this crap from mom.



Her latest lame brain idea is that she wants to keep the kids friday to monday morning, and then drop them off at school on monday morning. She would have to leave her house by 6:30 am at the absolute latest and that wouldnt take into account traffic. Stepdaughter goes to school 1 hour after her brother so there is no planning there, and I'm assuming her thinking is that they would just come up in time for sissy's school. I don't know how to handle being this hands on parent but not being able to have a say in what happens or being able to stand my ground. I can't even tell her she has to have the kids home by a certain time because I am nothing but the babysitter to her!



I just need to vent and scream...i'm having a really rough time dealing with all this and with the attitudes i have been getting I'm about to walk away from everythign I have wanted in all my life.

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[deleted account]

Don't get discouraged. You can only do so much to help the children. I know how frustrating that can be as this summer my hubby and I have had my stepson every other week. His ex constantly underminds his bond with Zach by calling at inappropriate times. She also rearranges the schedule and is always calling to get him back early. The only time she encourages him to stay is in front of us. Then she does the opposite. As a result my nine year old ss is having crying fits every time he comes over. Then as soon as she leaves he shuts it off like a faucet. The point I'm trying to make is you can't control her or what happens when they are with her. Discussions and rules are best left to dad to discuss with mom. Keep up the obviously excellent work and progress you are making. The kids mean a lot to you and you to them. All you can do is provide a loving environment.

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User - posted on 08/27/2009

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I am not sure if I agree with everyone here. I think you should let the bm do what she wants for a test run. Tell her we will try it for a month and see how it goes. But suggest to her that you think its a better idea to do what she wants every other weekend. Also, this is really up to the dad. What does he want to do? He is the one who should be setting everything up if the courts have not already. You can only control your life. I know its hard to not have control of everything, but you knew going in that you would have step kids and an ex to deal with. There are many more things that are going to come up and you will have to let go of the control. I would have dad speak to the bm and tell her the everyday phone calls have to come to an end, they are unacceptable and upsetting to the kids. He has to put his foot down, he is the Dad. Talk to the dad about things that need to be addressed in a calm manner and make your suggestions on what you would like to see happen. Other than that, all you can do is let go of things to his control. Good luck

[deleted account]

I completely agree with Tracy. We at one point had a Guardian ad Litem appointed by the courts due to the difficulty we were having with biomom. The one thing I absolutely love is that rules at your house can be different than rules at biomom's. We don't allow my ss cell phone or his psp at our house. The GAL explained to biomom that this is completely within our rights and there was nothing she could do about it. Lol took a while for her to swallow that one but she has all but dropped things like that. Again since i go off on tangents is that you can make certain rules at your house that she has to respect. Good Luck hon

Tricia - posted on 08/25/2009

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Is there any visitation written up and approved by the courts? Just because you arent married doesnt mean you dont have a say. You are very much the caretaker of these kids as was I when my husband and I were dating. We have court papers and it has been the best thing that has happened. Now when she tries to screw things up we go to mediation and point out what she is doing wrong and how it is affecting the girls. The one thing we dont do is allow her to know it is affecting us as adults.

Tracey - posted on 08/23/2009

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Christina,



Keep your head up. If you truely love your husband this will work. I was in almost the same situation. Had my husbands children 1 week on and 1 week off. This if I had to do over again would not. This is extremely hard on the children whether you believe this or not. Mom was a royal pain in the ass. Always bowing down to her needs. Children had attitude because mom could never keep her word and would change schedules all the tiime. My husband and I had no life. I gave up my job so they did not have to go to daycare and opened my own at home for 3 years until they could come home after school on their own. Had extremely hard times. Then mom moved to another city. We go full custody of them. She interfered so much that his daughter is now living with her aunt and her son eventually went back to her. In the short the advise I am going to give you is take control of your household and your rules in life. Apply them and do not give in to her. I waited too long 8 years of hell. The children have been deeply affected by this. Get full custody or not she has to step up. Court is the only way unfortunately. Do take charge now. Don't give in to her. If she wants to bring children back early say your have plans or you will be her door mat forever. I know this from experience. You need you life back.



take care

Tracey

Betty - posted on 08/22/2009

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It's not fair for you to have to give up every weekend to her because that's when the kids get to cut loose and have fun. If they get to just hang with their mom and are straped to a schedual at your house they will start to judge you and your husband unfairly.(that's where the attitude comes from) She should get to see them every other weekend from friday to monday and be able to get them for half of the holidays. If she isn't going to court over this than just try to work out a solid plan and stick to it. Best of luck. You could also give her every tuesday to pick the kids up from school and do something with them for a few hours. Just remember that if you want to stay out of court you will need to compromise with her.

Christina - posted on 08/21/2009

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Thank you Keisha! It is so hard to find the perfect balance and not to lose my mind. So many issues and absolutely nothing I can do to make it better.

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