BM refuses 2 meet 1/2 way

Brandi - posted on 01/07/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My husband and I are almost at wits end with his girls BM. We moved 3 years ago to a northern area of the state. Ever since then the BM says, "I didn't move, I don't have to meet you half way" "I can make you come all the way here to get the girls" Once we have the girls and are planning to meet for pick up, she either responds with, "your not coming back down here?" or she will find someone who will meet us to get the girls. Usually its her grown daughter or one of her sons, has been a church friend, neighbor, or her brother or sister... but she mostly refuses to meet half way. If my hubby talks to her she is rude and refusing, but if I talk to her she usually tones down but still has someone else meet for her. my oldest SD has even told me that BM says she doesn't have to meet us, its only a piece of paper, and we shouldn't have moved. I know that she is jealous that he and I are together and we are happy. (Hubby and I were together 18 yrs ago, before he and she married) I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions or advice?

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Brandy - posted on 01/09/2010

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i have a 13 yearold and his mom does not come and get him but 1 to 2 if we are lucky 3 times a year she live 1 and a half hours a way . she come to down here 2 to3 time a week. and does not call ir anything she does not pay child support 10.00 a mouth. that right 10.00. if she was in my yard on fire i would run as fast as i could to get more gas.lol But just tell her thank you for meeting you or having someone meet you. i know she is a butt for you but i just try to keep the peace with my step kids mom

i have 2 diff mom i have to fight with good luck i know how you feel.

Amanda - posted on 01/09/2010

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Get in a court order a meeting place (half way for the both of you)! She will have to then. Good luck

Brandi - posted on 01/09/2010

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Also she only wants to meet on her terms, never wanting to compromise with us to meet in a more traveled route, where if car trouble did occur there were others nearby that could help or have better reception to call and get help.
We get along otherwise, never any fights or arguements in any other means.

Brandi - posted on 01/09/2010

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I know that she is very jealous of me, has been since my hubby and her first started dating, because he and I had been in a long term relationship prior to them. The main issue is that she will do whatever she can to not have to drive at all. She took the kids from Arkansas to her sisters in Texas and when it was time for visitation expected us to drive almost to her sisters house to get the girls. We felt that it was her responsibility to get the girls to our half way meeting point, regardless who drove them. Because she was refusing to compromise or make arrangements we ended up not geting our visitation. We do not have the funds to take her to court for contempt or whatever the case may be called. I am just looking to find some advice on how to deal with her when she does this. Even her family members who have driven the girls to us or met us to pick them up are tired of her putting the responsibility off on them and are refusing to do it for her. She has even tried to say she couldnt afford the gas or whatever when her veh gets better gas mileage than ours and she does have more financial income and SSI she receives from her first husband and her rental properties, etc. She is almost always late or running behind because of one reason or another. I just want her to face her responsibilities and quit blaming others or pushing them off on others. Our only hope may be to save up to take her to court but we dont want to have to put the children through that.
I hope this helps give more understanding to the situation... if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Valerie - posted on 01/07/2010

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Obviously there are unresolved issues. What does the visitation schedule say? Is there a financial hardship? Who should transport isn't always black and white. If there is a court order that states how this is handled you could take her to court. If there isn't one and she doesn't want to transport then may fall on whoever wants the visit to happen. My guess is that she is still in pain from the break up. She is providing someone to pick up her daughter, what is the problem with that? If you want her to participate I would ask her this, "what would make you feel comfortable and willing to meet us halfway?" If you listen well you might get the answer,..

Mindy - posted on 01/07/2010

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I don't know how your specific agreement is worded, but for ours it says that each parent provides transportation one way... So we would go get my SS and then she would be responsible for coming to get him back. She did not make it the first two times, and we called and got her for contempt of court... Hopefully that will help... She can't just revoke visitation... she would have to take it to court, and have a valid reason for the request.

[deleted account]

Any time! Boy oh boy, you should see some of the emails I've written to my daughter's bm... Many people wouldn't believe it was me writing them - I am so mean in them! But it does relieve the stress and it helps me deal with my emotions! :)

Good luck hun!

Brandi - posted on 01/07/2010

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Thank You!! I am going to do that starting today. Well actually the next times we deal with her. Thanks again.

[deleted account]

When I get really stressed out (about anything, not just my daughter's crazy bm) I take 5 minutes and go alone to be by myself. My hubby and kids know what it means when I very quietly go in my room and close the door when they are being loud and not listening. I just go sit for 5 minutes and breathe. It really centers me and keeps me from screaming out what I'd really like to say sometimes! :)

Other than that, I keep both a personal journal and I write a lot of very mean emails to the bm (but I NEVER send the emails!). My journal is my place to write down everything that's happening and calm myself down. My unsent emails are all in a folder titled "rants to b****" and it's where I just ler loose. I write out everything that's on my mind and I never edit it. It's my raw, uncensored emotions and it's a really good cleanser for my mind and my soul! :)

I wish you all the luck and I hope you find your way of dealing with the frustration and stress. Try the journaling - I know it's really helped me and it gets the bad emotions out of your body without you saying (or doing) something you might regret later. :)

Brandi - posted on 01/07/2010

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I don't see it as rude at all. If you asked my hubby he'd tell you I pick my battles as well. I just get frustrated with BM at times and don't know what to do in order to cool off from being frustrated. She knows better than to refuse visitation, she just tries to make it hard or make us argue, I think. One of the SD's is actually my hubby's SD when he was married to her and he is the only father she has ever really known. (her father died when she was 2, now age 14) I think it really gets on her nerves that she still comes to visit and still calls him Dad. I just need a way to kill the frustration I gt when this happens. I don't show it in front of the kids, but I fear one day it may happen and I want a way to kick it.

[deleted account]

Honestly, I would ignore this behavior. As long as the people picking your sds up are good responsible drivers then where's the issue? I learned long ago to pick and choose my battles with my daughter's bm, and small issues are just not worth my stress and time. If she wants you to go pick up the kids, fine. At least she's giving them to you for the visitation (she could be a real b**** and try to change the custody order after all...). She doesn't want to come get the kids at the halfway point? Whatever. At least she's sending someone so you don't have to drive the whole way there AND back...



In my opinion, letting the small things get to us (as a group, us step moms need to stick together!) is silly and pointless. Why put yourself through more stress if it's really not necessary?



I really hope you don't see this post as being rude, I just really feel that the small things are just that: small and not worth the extra stress in life. :)

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