Did I say the right thing?

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

So, our oldest is with her bm for her scheduled visitation right now. They are at bm's house, which is over 1600 miles away from where we live. I was talking to our daughter on the phone yesterday and she says, "Hold on, I want to tell you something, but I don't want my other mom to hear me." She goes and closes the door to her room (I heard the door close) and then comes back to the phone and asks, "It is okay if I love you more than I love J (her bm)?"

I was floored. She has just spent 2 weeks having nonstop fun with her bm and has decided that she loves me more!? I said. "If that's how you feel I can't change it, and honestly it makes me very happy to hear that." We have always been completely honest with her (she's 7) and that is how i feel. She also kinda caught me off guard and I just told her what I felt in my heart. Did I say the right thing? Should I tell anyone what she said? My hubby? My MIL? The bm? I love that she feels that way, don't get me wrong, but I feel as if I should be ashamed she said that or something. Especially when she's visiting her bm! If the bm can't even have her love while she's there (and being spoiled rotten I might add - bm feels the need to do all kinds of things for her 2 weeks every 3 months to make up for her noncommunication and noninvolvement in our daughter's life), how is our daughter going to feel when she's at home with us?


Jessica - posted on 10/27/2009




I don't think that you said anything wrong, but when she comes back I would sit down and have a talk with her about it. Make sure that she knows it is NOT a competition, and that even though it makes you happy that she loves you, the fact that she loves you MORE doesn't really matter. Also, let her know, that even though she sees you as her mom, and you see her as your daughter, it would only hurt her other mom's feelings to tell her these things, and there is no point in being mean. She doesn't have to keep any secrets, she just doesn't have to specify. She can love both of you, in different ways and even different amounts, but love is love, and saying "I love you" is enough. :)


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[deleted account]

Thanks for all the encouragement ladies. I don't know why, but for some reason I was just feeling so guilty that she loves me more than she loves her bm. I know I shouldn't (her bm is the one that left and has little to no contact between visits after all), but I just had that nagging little feeling. I did tell my hubby - and my MIL, who has always been really close to our daughter - and they both also said I said the right thing. They also told me to not be ashamed when my daughter says stuff like that, because she will, especially as she comes to realize more and more the kind of person her bm is.

Sherri - posted on 10/31/2009




I think you said the right thing. You CAN'T tell a child that what they feel is wrong.... even if it's a passing thing. One thing I teach my SS is that he's entitled to his feelings and allowed to voice them. It's one of the few things in life that we have FULL control over in a chaotic life. You're doing great.

Shannon - posted on 10/31/2009




I don' t think you said anything wrong. I would let dad in on it just to keep him posted. Then when she returns home sit down for a one on one. Go through how shes feeling with her. see where shes coming from. She might really need YOUR shoulder right now for some reason. Thats awsome you two are so close and that she feels the way she does for you good job.

Nora - posted on 10/27/2009




That's so awesome. You are so lucky to have her love you just pretty much as though you were her BM. I don't see what it could hurt to tell your hubby or mil. I think what you said was perfect. You weren't encouraging her to love her BM less than you cause you were saying "I can't change that," and it's not like that's your goal and you're good to her just to compete with the BM. You're good to her cause you love her and that makes her love you back and that's sweet! There's nothing for you to need to feel ashamed about!!

Tamara - posted on 10/27/2009




Being a mom is none stop, and if you're not involved there is no making up for it. And of being from divorced parents the bm could at least call now and then and just talk to her, but if she's not and she feels like she needs to make up for it then she's not really being a mom. For her to feel that way most likely in her heart you're in the place as mom, you are there for her, take care of her, and do things with her. Than you are already doing more than her bm. My sd is 8, and she hasn't said it to me, but she has told her father that I am more of a mom to her than her bm, that I do more for her and show that I care for her. I think you said the right thing if it came from the heart, because like you told your sd, you can't change how you feel, and if you want you could talk to your sd and see if she wants anyone else to know like her bf, but if nothing else it can be a bond between you two.

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