-holidays, birthdays

Susan - posted on 02/11/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )




me n my hubby are disagreeing on this subject so i would like some new opinions. he believes that all the kids should be treated equally in our house. if we go anywhere special it has to be a time when all the kids are there (he gets his kids every other weekend). the same amount of money is supposed to be spent on all the kids for birthdays and holidays. i say thats not fair. his kids get to go home and get 2nd birthdays and christmases and they go to all kinds of places with their mom. my kids do not have another home or another parent to go places with or to get presents from. this being their only home, i feel that my kids should get a little more and should be able to go places without his kids. i understand that we need to take them all out occasionally and buy them all special things sometimes but i dont think that every time i want to do something for my kids or buy them something, i should have to factor in his kids. please tell me what you think because we are at a stalemate!!


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Rachael - posted on 02/25/2010




I would agree with you I have 2 children and he has 2 children with 2 bm's and then we have 1 together and my children dont get to see there real father he left the country and dosent pay his cs so everything my kids do get is from me so that would make me upset just like you are feeling its not right your children will resent your husband when they are old enough to see the truth of the matter. Me and my husband make sure his kids are taking care of since the bm's both live with there parents and dont want to work they think we should take care of all there needs even though they live with them and we just get them 4days out of the month. We are lucky if we even get to see them on there birthdays and some holidays that arent in our court papers so to deny my kids would be out of the question further more I am the bread winner of the family so to tell me what to do with my money or my kids is not up to him I already deal with enough his kids bm's are already taking him back to court for cs and the one is tring to get me to do a deposition so she can find out how much I make so I can help him pay more to bad in the state of florida legally they can only go after his money and that just makes them mad they see my kids get alot. But I dont feel bad that my kids get more when i work hard to get where I am today and they chose not to work. To top it off both of the bm's still live with there parents so why they cant take care of them the way they want to is not my problem but your husband needs to understand that you can treat them the same when they are visiting but you cant neglect your kids that live with you all the time to please him or the bm.

Amber - posted on 02/21/2010




I have an 8 year old step son. We have him every other week. I just recently had a daughter (5 months today!) and We do things without ss. I know well in advance when my daughter's b-day is and I planned so he can be there. But for his cousin's b-days, if we have him, great if not, then maybe next year. If my sister in law wants him there, then she can call and see if we will have him. My husband and I both feel that we shouldn't plan our lives around ss. My hubby has a lot of guilt, but understands that life keeps going; things will continue and you shouldn't miss out. His kids need to understand that also. You kids will soon see that his kids are favored. You are a family, with our without his kids and you should take trips and what not with out them

Judith - posted on 02/21/2010




Okay, I was a stepmom for 18 years. I applaud you for attempting to redefine the term 'family'. It's tough though, I know. I do believe you are dealing with two separate issues here. When it comes to birthdays and holidays, every child should be treated the same regardless of how much his children get at their mother's home. The fact that your children don't have another home they go to shouldn't be a factor. In fact, I would say be thankful that you don't have to deal with that issue! Attempt to see it as just another situation without putting any judgment onto it. I feel you would be best served by focusing only on the situation in your own home as it will help you to embrace his children when they are there and it will help your children to see that not everyone's situation is the same. We are all different, but we are all equal. I do feel, however, that your children's activities should not be limited to only when his children are there nor should you have to always consider his children before buying something for your own. Honoring each child individually, as the situation arises, is more appropriate and will foster love and a sense of belonging for all - which by the way gives your children a beautiful message about acceptance.

Sarah - posted on 02/20/2010




as a family we do try to plan trips around when my Sd is there but if it happens shes not thats to bad.I feel that its not fair that she has two families so two lots of things to do and prezzies to get so any toys clothes etc she gets stay at our house and all toys (including my own kids toys) go in2 the same box for every one to play with-with thee exception of ther special dollysetc tht only they have but thats only one or two each.
As for the triips it is kinda nice to have all the kids there together for say camping holidays or going to the zoo etc but if its just a beach trip then I tink that you shouldnt have to wait.
Hope that maks sence and helps.

[deleted account]

I think your kids need to experience things without your SKs there all the time. They also deserve special time with you guys just like your SKs do. Our daughter is only 1 1/2 but I already wonder about how things are going to be when she gets older. Don't get me wrong, my daughter doesn't go without, but sometimes it feels as if every cent is spent saving for visits with SD (during the school year we only see her once a month in the state where she lives and get her alternate holidays and summers where we live) or for when she's here. As for birthdays and holidays, right now we spend waay more for SD. My husband's reasoning is our daughter is only 1 so she doesn't want specific toys like SD does (she's 6). Right now I just let it go even though I partially think it's because he doesn't see SD as much as he'd like, so he tries to make it up with gifts.

Jessica - posted on 02/20/2010




I agree with Holly- The kids should be treated equally when they are at your house, with chorse, punishment, and all the rest. Ya'll should take your kids places with out your sk's and make sure that you do go places when your sk's are with you. On birthdays, and christmas's yes they will get two but when they are with you they only see what they got and what the other kids are getting. so if you dont get them as much as the others then they will feel left out!! I hope this helps...

[deleted account]

My hubby and I had a long dicusiion on this when our first biological child together was born (my first child, his second). Ours is not such a huge problem, since we have our oldest 90% of the time, but her school vacations (and therefore visitations with the bm) do go over her sister's birthdays. That means that last school year she missed the 2 year-old's birthday, but she'll be here for the 1 year-old's birthday (tomorrow!). Next school year (if all goes to plan) she'll be here for our 2 year-old's 3rd birthday, but not for our 1 year-old's 2nd birthday.

When the 2 year-old was born we decided that if that situation ever came up we would still celebrate the kid's birthdays, but have a small family party either before or after the time she would be gone (depending on what works best) so our oldest could give her sisters their presents herself. This works well and it still keeps our oldest involved in her sister's lives and lets her have her special time to give them the presents she makes.

As for vacations as such, we are not running into that problem yet, but I think it's not fair for your kids to have to wait for every other weekend to get to do anything fun. They need "fun time" just as much as your stepkids, and if your sks are getting it without your kids (and bragging about it as kids do) then you rkids are going to get jealous and eventually likely come to resent you and your hubby for not doing things with just them. It's not fair for your kids.

Rebecca - posted on 02/12/2010




Your kids will resent your husband if travel & fun is only meant for his kids.

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