How do you discuss puberty with sk's?

User - posted on 03/10/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )




This is so unfortunate but I need some advice. I have an 11 years old step daughter that should be wearing a bra. She is quite large for her age and although she probably does not want to wear one she really needs to. I have been not saying anything for the past year as I felt it shoud be up to her mom to advise her on these things. But since we have her only 6 weeks out of the year(she lives far away) I have an opportunity to go buy her some now. It is propbably not my place but I have noticed many times you can see the outline of her chest through her clothes nad it really is innapropriate. It sucks not being able to just speak your mind and parent as though it were your own child. My bio child and his dad openly discuss puberty and the such but this has not been the case with my step daughter. Okay so should I keep my mouth shut or butt in????!!!


Natalie - posted on 03/16/2010




You can always bring it to your husbands attention and he can bring it u tot the BM. I have my step daughter full time but before i bought her bras i did call her BM and tell her she really needs them and she said well if you want to. Yet she also told her daughter i hope you start your period with your dad and Natalie. She thinks its funny she tells me i don't want deal with hormones. hello you have 2 other daughters your going to have to experience this with. Anyway shes something else some times. Sometimes its all about how you bring it to her attention. I don't know your relationship with her, but just as long as it is said respectfully things should be fine.I think as SM as long as we dont try to take there (job so to speak) and just want to be part of or help then the BM is most likely not to be offended.


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Sheryl - posted on 03/16/2010




I agree the bm should be contacted first, if the shoe was on the other foot how would u feel? Just don't ndo anything that might make things difficult for all the parents involved!

Amy - posted on 03/16/2010




BUTT IN!!!!! she is your child when she in your home. take her shopping with you and show her what how it looks with a bra and with out a bra. Just make sure you make it fun for her. My husband had to tell me our 8 year old daughter needed one LOL. as a mom you don't want you baby girl to grow up but they do and sometimes it take an someone pointing it out that she does. need one.

Angie - posted on 03/12/2010




I would talk to her parents first & see if its just the child not wearing it or forgetting to put it on etc. something like that- and if that's not the case then you may want to offer to take her to get fitted for the proper bra etc. if mom has neglected to do so. If neither work I would urge you husband to do it or have a female relative do it for her.

Dawn - posted on 03/12/2010




I took my sd to get one when she was 12. I brought her to the store, had her measured, then let her try on some colors that she liked. I showed her the difference when she put it on. She liked what she saw, and that was that. Her Mom never said anything about it... I'm very comfortable talking about things like that with my bio and sd. My Mom always had such a hard time talking about those subjects with me.(And she's a nurse!) I promised myself I wouldn't be that way. I was also the one that explained tampons to her and how they work, etc... The easiest way to do it is to keep it clinical like a doctor would when he is talking to you about personal things. Good luck!!!

[deleted account]

I cant really advise b/c my SK's are boys so I leave that up to my hubby b/c I dont think it's approriate for me to do it. But I agree with Holly, that link sounds like a good place to start maybe?

Tiffany - posted on 03/11/2010




I would take her shopping, buy her random things she needs/likes and then throw in a training bra. Just ask her which one she would want to wear. If she asks you why just say it's a training bra it's worn by a lot of girls her age. If she doesn't want to or seems upset about it, you can't force her to wear it. Atleast you know you have tried. If your on good terms with her mom then you can ask her before you even go there.

[deleted account]

I did forget to mention that I did have to have "the talk" with my sd, but we have her 90% of the time and her bm is really not available or present for our daughter to talk to (she lives over 2600 miles away from us). But, I do think that because you have her for only 6 weeks out of the year it is up to the bio mom to have that discussion. Of course, as soon as the bm and your sd do talk you can let your sd know that you are there if she needs to talk, but I think that in your case the initial talk should come from the bm.

[deleted account]

I would ask her bio mom to see if they have had "the talk" yet (or ask your hubby to ask her if you two do not get along). If she hasn't, then I would recommend you being completely honest with the bio mom (or your hubby speaking for you) and telling her that you think it's time. My best friend got me a wonderful book to share with my daughters called "The Care and Keeping of YOU: The Body Book for Girls." ( It's written by the American Girls coorporation and it's really good at describing all the changes a young girl's body goes through. I would maybe send the bm the link or the book and tell her that it's a good book that will help with "the talk."

If I were you though, I WOULD NOT take it upon yourself to have that talk with your sd. That is really something for the bio mom to do (since you guys don't get to see her very often) and she would probably get mad if you took those liberties with her daughter.

Just have a talk with the bio mom to express your concerns and see where it goes from there.

Good luck!

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