Mom or just steo mom?

Melinda - posted on 06/22/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )




Is it wrong for me to allow my 11 y/o step son to call me mom? He lives with me & my husband (his dad)...I am basically there everyday to send hom to school and pick him up. I help with h/w, take him to ball practice, dr visits, parent conferences...etc. His mom is involved in his life and shes upset and told him not to call me mom because I didnt give birth to him. She told me that I dont have that right because I dont know how much he wieghed at birth, when he crawled and I didnt bath him. She says I need to respect her wishes and tell him not to call me mom....hes asked me if he could because Im more like a mom than a step mom to him. What should I do? I need some feedback.


View replies by

Bri - posted on 07/09/2011




As long as it isnt forced. I dont see what is wrong with it.
My SK tells BM that he will be punished at our house if he doesnt. Truth is soon to be DH does say furious things like "Breanne does DO more for you!"
I hate it how fiance gets on to SK poor thing!

Taryn - posted on 06/27/2011




We had a lot of dealing with court psychologist in our situation - long story - and basically the call was whatever the CHILD feels most comfortable with is ALL that matters. That said as step parents we always have to consider what repercussions the children face at the hands of other family members out of our control. What SHOULD be is rarely what IS.
Try a compromise like instead of mom - BOMO (bonus mom) or Mama etc. if that can help. Regardless of what is right if his mother is going to make him feel awful (and you can't get through to her that her childs feelings ont he matter are really ALL that should matter) you need to find a comprimise. The high road often sucks but its a long road and 10 years from now your choices will pay off (at least thats what I keep telling myself !!!!)

Karen - posted on 06/26/2011




I think the child should call you whatever he wants. I am a step mom to 4 stepchildren and they all 4 call me mom! That was their choice and I told them they could call me whatever they liked. They all chose MOM. It has been 11 years now and I am still mom! But keep in mind, whatever they call you does not change the relationship you have with them!

Desi - posted on 06/25/2011




As long as its up to him, and he is at the age where he knows the diff. between mom and stepmom so i dont see anything wrong with it.

Nicole - posted on 06/24/2011




I left it up to my step son to call me mom. As long as he was respectful no matter what he called me I was good. He is 15, has lived with us since he was 12, and he started calling me mom when he was about 14. His BM is not really in the picture since she is in AK and we are in Ga but I still think it should be up to the child even if the BM is in the picture.

Beth - posted on 06/24/2011




I understand how you feel. My 11 year old stepson calls me "Ms. Beth" and always has since I met him 5 years ago. He told me once that he "was only allowed to call me Ms. Beth". Gee, I wonder who that came from! At the end of the day, I agree that it is up to the child and the BM should not make him or you feel guilty for that. It is his choice to do that and it is OK to have more than 1 "mommy" figure in your life. Just because he calls you mom, doesn't make her any less his mom. But I guess that's only for rational people to understand! Hang in there!

[deleted account]

I'm with Amy - I think it's best to leave it up to the child. Our daughter lives with us full time and her mother has a past record of being VERY inconsistent with visits and such. In the last 5 1/2 YEARS, BM has had parental responsibilities for our daughter for 13 WEEKS. So, I am Mom, but it took our daughter 2 years after my hubby and I got engaged to call me Mom. She just wasn't confortable with it (and she started calling me Mom after a particularly disastorous visit where her BM basically ignored her the whole 6 weeks she had parenting time on the other side of the country).

Does your hubby know the little things the BM is being nit-picky about? Mine knows the time our oldest was born and her weight, he knows when she started crawling and her first word, he knows what she was for her first Halloween and her first birthday, he even remembers her APGAR score at the hospital! He's told me all that (and I have it memorized with the same facts about our bio kids), so if BM tries to pull the "you don't know ____" card I can tell her (and usually she doesn't know - she has no clue how much our daughter weighed at birth, her APGAR score, etc.). Maybe I'm just mean, but I think it would be funny if you got that info and said "Well, I DO know _____ and ______ and ______" and see what she says... lol

Amy - posted on 06/22/2011




Ok...Regardless of how BM feels you ARE a Mom to your Step son....I hate to put it that way but its the truth. As far as him calling you mom or Momma Lin or whatever the case may be it should totally 100% be up to him.Thats just my two cents sorry.
I have an amazing DSD and I have been in her life since she was 2 1/2 she calls me Momma, Mommy and Momma Amy just depends on the situation and like for every parent (what she wants me to give her or do for her ) LOL I know this I have to other BD besides her :) anyway my vote is if they want to call you mom noone has the right to tell them no!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms