My step-daughter broke my heart.....

Laura - posted on 09/15/2009

Your feelings are definitely valid. I had a similar scenario with my own step-daughter. When she was about 12 years old, she came to me, instead of her dad. She was crying and told me how she wished her mom and dad were back together again. I hugged her and told her that I loved her no matter what, that I couldn't love her more if she were my own child. The thing here, is that you must validate her feelings. Try not to harbor resentment toward her. Because, after all, we are all entitled to feel the way that we feel. It's a good thing that she voiced her opinion, because it got those feelings out instead of having them bottled up inside, which could be worse when she gets older. If she hadn't stated her feelings, she would eventually end up harboring even more resentment toward you, and leave you wondering where all of this angst came from. The important thing is, that your husband told her the truth, he didn't give her false hope that one day mommy and daddy would get back together. And as for my own step-daughter. We had our tough times, we butted heads. I think sometimes it was simply because I wasn't her mom. But now, whenever she has a problem, something she has trouble working out for herself, I am the first person she turns to. Because of that day when she was 12 and felt open enough to tell me about the pain she felt, she saw that I loved her, that I wanted her to be happy, and that I gave her what she needed.. an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. She never forgot that. Be that same shoulder and ear to your step-daughter and you may just find that you have that same kind of bond one day.

Cris - posted on 09/14/2009

I think all kids of divorce always want to see their real parents together again. My boys were older and they stated they wished my ex and I were together like a family. But they understood why it couldn't be. Be patient, she will grow up and appreciate you for all you have done....and all that you are for her Dad. I feel my stepdaughter, now 19 yo, sees that between me and her Dad. As for my boys and my husband, (their stepdad), they have become closer and more understanding of each other. It does take time, lots of patience and lots of love.

[deleted account]

You have every right to be hurt by the comment. Also know that she is very emotional, especially since she just got to see her bm. I know my daughter (now 7) also gets really emotional when she even thinks about her bm (which honestly isn't very much anymore). I think your husband said the exact right thing, and I also think her reaction was very typical. Kids (especially little girls) are very prone to high emotions.



I know it hurts, but know that this too shall pass and in the end of all things your stepdaughter will know who was there for her ALL the time, not just some of the time. :) good luck and congrats on the twins!

Lisa - posted on 09/21/2009

Dear Tara

No you are definately not overeacting.Of course you are hurt....you are human. You love and care for this little girl like she is your own. Your husband handled things wonderfully and this is one of many stages you, as a family, will have to go through. Just try and take a deep breath, remember that she is still young and wishes for the fantasy life. She would possibly have friends at school that talk about life with both bio parents....although it is almost a normal thing nowadays for blended families....there are still fairy tales etc that don't quite gel with your reality. Think how confusing the messages of society are for a 7yr old girl. Please try to remember that she loves you and everything you do for her, and she will be able to express it better when she is older and the confusion isn't so cloudy for her....keep your chin up and try to smile for the good times as you travel on the rollercoaster ride of the blended family. :-)

P.S. Good Luck xoxo

Ivy - posted on 09/18/2009

My heart feels for you! I have had my stepdaughter since she was 4 and she is now 11. Her birth mother doesn't take much interest in her, never has. I have made plenty mistakes in handling the BM but one thing you can NEVER change is that they will ALWAYS love their 'other parent' no matter how crappy they are. Believe me she has a crappy one!

I wish I would have understood that sooner and not tried to be the Super Mom of the year. As they get older kids notice more things just keep doing what you are doing and don't try to be the Super Mom. She will see you for who you are and appreciate you even more! Good luck, Those teenage years are closer than I would like to admit!

Congrats on the twins and remember; little girls LOVE babies! She will be a super big sister : )

P.S. try going along to GS too...

Catrina - posted on 09/18/2009

You have a right to ever feeling! This last time my SD and SS were here, my SS said the same thing in front of me. This sometimes comes down to the kids feeling so overwhelmed with all the changes, especially when a new baby or in your case babies, come into the picture.



I haven't read everyones replies, but I would suggest trying to get to the bottom of her feelings. Why is she feeling this way? I asked my SS why he felt that way, and he told me that it would just be easier on him. That he would get to see his Dad all the time (they live with BM in another state - so our time is very limited) He also mentioned the fact that his Step Father is more intense than his Dad is - and he doesn't feel so intimidated with his dad. I told him I understood and was not at all mad at him for his feelings. At the time I did not mention my pain, because he was extremely emotional. But it was talked about over several days.



I've said it on the forum before, that in my home - every emotion is accepted. It's how you display it that determines the response you'll get. There's a right way and a wrong way to express those emotions.

Cherokee - posted on 09/18/2009

I first must say after experience with this sort of thing myself, that I think your husband did the right thing by telling you before you began to hear her say those things yourself. Communication is a great key with families. Please remember that it is natural for children to want their biological parents to be together no matter what the situation is or how good one parent was or wasnt. While it is okay to commend yourself for the help that you have given to her and her BM situation, please try to never throw that in her face, if she would ever feel that you disliked her BM the situation could get worse and lead to alot of uncomfortable feelings. Secondly remember that your step daughter probably realizes just how much you do for her and how much you love her, but seeing her BM and Father at a function together and functioning without fussing or fighting probably just stirred all those emotions up inside her and she began to have hope that they could work it out if you were not in the picture. This is common, even though she may not voice it often, in her mind she probably thinks about it, do not hold it against her, that does not mean she doesnt love you, it just means that at this very point in her life she is having a hard time accepting why she thinks her parents could be happy together but they are not happy together. Think of her age, NEVER try to take the place of her BM, continue to love and guide your step daughter even when you are hurt, keep in mind there are probably times you hurt her as well, meaning too or not. Blended families can work and the children eventually learn to accept it, sometimes it takes longer then other times. Good Luck with your situation!!

Tara - posted on 09/17/2009

Thank you all so much for the wonderful responses! I can definitely see where she is probably just sad about what could have been....especially considering the fact that her mother is not in the best married/home life situation. My step-daughter probably just wants her parents back together, and I completely understand that.



Thank you for helping me through this and thank you for all the kind words!

Lynda - posted on 09/17/2009

Don't take it personal. Of course if both her biological parents attended an event together she coudln't help but think the way she did. Remember it is hard on her having parents that don't live together.

I want to add something also that you aren't going to want to "hear" but it is true. I am sure all step-parents will agree on this statement...

You will be hurt time and time again over things. My stepkids are now 25,21, and 16 (I helped raise them at 16,12, and 7) Granted and thankfully things aren't as bad as they used to be but occasions still arrise well I don't get credit,am unappreciated, get left out, or am treated like crap to put it honestly....

Being a step-parent is one of the hardest things a person has to do and it takes a special, understanding, and most of all PATIENT person to be one.

Hang in there....though you'll have your hurtful times....those times come too where they tell you how much they appreciate all you did/do and how much they love you.

Sandy - posted on 09/16/2009

Well, first of all I understand completely because I have gone through it over and over. Unfortunately in my case the hurt has just continued, but I guess eventually you just harden your heart to it and go on. You are probably more emotional being pregnant (and congratulations on the twins) . Your stepdaughter is only 7 and that is a big contributor to her feelings. It could have something to do with what her mom said during their visit. Could be that she recognizes that she is gonna have competition with the new little ones. Could be a lot of things just because she's 7. My hubby had been divorced 7 years when we met and later married. His kids were 8 and 10 and at some point during our courtship we had a discussion about their mother. The oldest (son) was reallly opposed to our marrying and even after 7 years still wanted his dad back with his mom. The subject was brought up several times during our last 16 years together. At one point my hubby told the kids to give it up because it was NEVER gonna happen. Try not to let it get to you too much. It won't change a thing and as long as your relationship is strong with your hubby, you will be fine. The hardest obstacle could be her mom, but maybe you are a lucky one. My hubby's ex still blames me for all the problem in her life and the kids are grown and we haven't had contact with her for at least 5 years. I will say a prayer for you. Try not to take it too hard. It could just be a passing thing. Best of things to you!!

Michelle - posted on 09/16/2009

In my opinion, I don't think you should get all that upset. She is only 7 and she misses her mom. It is only normal for children of divorcees to want their parents to reunite. I don't live with my step children, but my 7 yr old daugter is in the same boat. She loves her step dad as a father, even calls him daddy sometimes, but when she gets a chance to see her birth dad she jumps for the opportunity. But my 11 yr old is different. She is still warming up to my husband after 5 yrs and will not hug him, sit close to him or become attached to him in anyway, it IS slowly getting better, but he's not her dad. Both my girls used to ask me why I divorced their dad and if we could get back together. Your husband explained it to his daughter very well. But as a step child myself, don't expect it to get better for a long time. My step brother still refers to my mother, after 22 yrs, as his dad's wife. And as a teenager I used to threaten my mom to go live with my dad because I hated my step dad. I was super rebellious and a royal pain in the butt. As an adult, I know that it takes more to be a dad than just papers and now I love my step dad very much. HE was my father in all aspects of the word except for on paper. But as a kid, from 9 yrs old and up I hated him. So you'll have to learn not to take the words of a child too personal. She wants what she wants and doesn't understand WHY she can't have everything she wants. As a teenager, she quite possibly could just say things to be hurtful to you in hopes for the same end result. To put an end to your marriage so her dad can be available to her mom again. Don't let it get you down. In the end she will love you and respect you as much if not more than her biological mother for the work that you have done and will do in her future. Good luck to you. And congratulations on twins. You're going to have your work cut out for you.

Leslie - posted on 09/16/2009

You do have a right to be hurt, but don't let it get to you. I'm sure your step-daughter is worried that the relationship between you and her is going to change when you have kids of your own, and her mother may have very well tried to convince her of that. My husband's ex-wife did that when I had my first child. She told my step-daughter that I wouldn't have time for her anymore and that I would be too tied up with my own kid now to care about her. Just make sure that you continue to spend quality 1 on 1 time with your step-daughter even after your babies come, and try to include her as much as possible. Make sure she knows that you still love her just as much as you did before you had children of your own. I'm sure her comment was just because of insecurities.

Heidi - posted on 09/16/2009

I am just recently married to my husband and he has a 3 yr old son. We are coming up on our one year anniversary. He has said hurtful things to us before as well, both of us. She will always have a heart for her mommy, that can't be changed. You do have a right to feel hurt but she is only five and at that age they don't understand how they hurt others. They are at an age where they only think about themselves. She is not going to understand right now but she will later and she does love you. She doesn't love you any less she just wants to be close to her mommy and in her mind that what her solution to be near her. She wishes she knew her better I am sure. Of course the hurt may be intensified by the fact that you are pregnant. Congrats, my husband and I are trying right now as well. You will have your hands full with twins. Your step-daughter has always had you in her life as far as she can remember and she will always consider you as one of her moms, and how lucky she is to have 2 moms. She will appreciate you. God bless

Heather - posted on 09/15/2009

Hun I know what your going through but we have to think about what or how they feel about the situation. I have 5 step children and 2 girls of my own and just found out I'm expecting in May. My 2nd oldest step daughter doesnt want to give her room up for the nursery b/c it's a perfect size and near our bedroom. She had made a comment that the "baby could sleep out in the dog pen for all she cared" This hurt me so much and i'm still waiting on an apoligy. Give it time....I'm here if you need to chat. Congrats on your twins!!!! What a bleesing!

Alicia - posted on 09/15/2009

I am not sure I agree with some of the others who have said that your hubby should have stayed mum, for starters. I think that it says a lot for the openness of your relationship. He probably didn't say it to upset you, but to let you know what happened. He was probably just as floored by the comment and wanted to give you a heads up in case she said it to you out of the blue.



She may be feeling a little uneasy right now with the little ones on the way - especially as close as it is. You didn't mention any other children, but if I read your post correctly, she is an only (or youngest child). As time gets closer for the babies, we - as parents and out of necessity - start focusing on other things: getting the nursery ready, making sure you have diapers and clothes for the baby, etc. She may be feeling shuffled aside.



Also, did her mother spend any time by herself with her at the meeting or is there something that could have been said to her by one of the other little girls there? Kids can say heartless things without meaning to sometimes.



I would take her out for ice cream and have some lone time with her that doesn't have anything to do with baby shopping, etc. Talk to her and see what happened to spark it.

Chelsea - posted on 09/15/2009

You Have Every Right, I Have An 18 Month Old Step Son, Who's Mother I Do Not Get A Long With. She Is Just Dirty And That Is The Only Nice Way To Put It. After Having Him For A Month He Was Right Were He Should Be Talking And Walking Holding His Newborn Brother, Then 2 Weeks Later When We Had Him Again He Would Hit Me in The Face, And Kick Me, And Kick And Hit My 2 Month Old Son. This Killed Me Because He Does Not Hit or Kick Anyone Else. He Tells Me To Shut Up, And He Has Already Called Me an Asshole. My Fiancees Family Does Not like Me And She (The Mother) Is Very Close To Them So I Know One Day I Will Be Right Where You Are. And I Think You Have Every Right To Be Upset, She Is Not Your Biological Daughter But Im Sure She HAs A Big Part Of Your Heart And For A Child, Who Doesnt Know How To Lie Say Something Like That It Is Devistating. But You Are Right, When She Is Old Enough To See What All You Have Done For Her, She Will Realize Who Cares, And Why They Care, And It Will All Get Better.

Chels

Stephanie - posted on 09/14/2009

no u have a right to feel hurt by that just dont hold it to the little girl kids say the craziest things but ive only been married to my husband for 3 months and i just got to meet his daughter she is 2 and she has autism and its hard to swallow because sometimes i feel like i cant do everything to her she doesnt know me like she knows her nana my husband is in the navy and is on active duty and caidences birth mother has nothing to do with her she came by the house about 2 weeks ago nd she was feeling sick she said she didnt wanna see cadi and that hurt me and i couldnt ever think that one day i could be the best mommy in the world to her and then her turn round and say something like ur step daughter said my husband didnt talk to his daughter or famly until i married him. im a step child and my step mother took my father away from me. so i know how it feels in my own way but its ok to feel hurt by such a thing but just not to your step daughter i know its gotta be a hard pill to swallow...good luck im here if u wanna talk!!!1

Williams - posted on 09/14/2009

U have a right. I met my hubby when step daughter was barely 1yr, she is now almost 7yr. There were a couple times she asked why her dad and mom cant get together and stuff like that, but not anymore. I do EVERYTHING for her, and have since day1. Of course took some getting used to a man with a child, but it was okay. Her mom is very irresponsible and daughter always says she dosent like her for various reasons, but I continue to do my part and make sure she knows who I am and her mom is. All u can do is play ur part and stay strong. There have been times due to drama surrounding this I felt like maybe I should just leave and let them have their family (hubby was mad about this). Ive come to realize that almost every child will go thru this because they are taught by society that is the MOST acceptable, so bare with her she's just a baby. Yes she really will 1day realize the diffrences between u and her bio mom... Mine did!

Rashida - posted on 09/14/2009

Of course your feeling are going to be hurt. But you have to remember that she is a CHILD. What child does not want their mother and father together. Its not uncommon for separated parents to come together for the sake of a child (birthday parties, holidays, activities, ect) and for the child to wish it could always be like that. Your husband made it clear to her that he loves and will be with you.....as your step-daughter continues to mature she will indeed come to realize that she is lucky to have you in her life

Sherry - posted on 09/14/2009

You have a right to feel hurt. However, consider the moment. It was likely a long day and she was stressing over whether her mom would even show-so in all honesty it was more likely just that and nothing to do with you personally. I also have step children and find that once we started doing one on one things together. IE my step son likes to cook so we will look up a recipe and go to the store and he picks up the things he needs to buy for the meal then home to cook. It's been a huge difference in helping he and I bond.

It is hard to "see the forest thru the trees" as our parents say-but you know she will remember who was there most often-not who showed up on occasion.

Remember it's not the breaths we take in life but the moments that take our breath away. :O)

Sherry

Tammy - posted on 09/14/2009

Gary and I have been together since his kids were 6 & 8. We are NOT married but in all sense of the word I am there step-mom. They are now 15 and 17. They have both broken my heart over and over. Their bm is in prison and they don't see her. She was never in their lives much when she had custody and even less after. I have tried to include her in things as much as possible. She hates me because I am raising her children and part of me can understand that but she says things to the kids that just cause them to act up more which gets them in trouble. Now that she's in prison I write her letters and try to include her in their lives because they don't write except maybe twice in the year and a half that she's been gone. The problem comes with the fact that she doesn't want to hear anything bad, only the good. That's a whole other story I guess. Anyways, it is really hard to be a step-mom sometimes. All you can do is pray and keep telling them you love them and keep on keepin on.

Jessica - posted on 09/14/2009

I don't think you are over reacting at all. Being hurt by that is completely normal. I came into my step daughter's life when she was 3 and her mother wasn't in her life since she was a year old. And even then she didn't care for her much. She has told me she misses her real mommy a few times. Which is frustrating considering it had been at least 4 years since we even have heard from her Bio mom. It's very hurtful. You just have to remind yourself that she is a child and doesn't understand everything yet.

[deleted account]

You have every right to be hurt, however remember she is only 7 yrs old and at that age all these kids think about is their mom and dad. And it is not uncommon for these kids to have fantasies about their bio parents getting back together. I commend your hubby for handling it the way he did and inside her heart she knows her dad is happy with you. Something you might keep in mind is that your SD could be feeling insecure because you are going to have 2 new babies, she could be insecure about her position in the family and looking to her biomom as a sense of belonging. It will be really important for you and hubby to include SD in the process of bringing these babies into the world and making sure everyone knows she is the BIG sister!! The babies already will be the center of attn, so don't let SD be over shadowed by that or you could have more emotional breakdowns.
One other thing.....I disagree with most other posts that state one day she will thank you for everything you have done for her. Why? I have been in my SD life since she was 4 1/2 and she is now 17 1/2 and to this day I have never recvd a thank you for doing the things a mom does, when her own mom didn't care to do things for her. SD lived with us for 8 yrs and now lives with biomom and the entire time she lived with us and even now, biomom is like god!!! Biomom does nothing wrong, the only person she feels she can trust is biomom and her dad and I are liars and can't be trusted. I did for that kid everything I did for my own daughter plus some......and to this day she acts as though she doesn't remember anything and that her mom has always been there for her! The most recent thing, my hubby took 2 days of vacation to take her to have all her wisdom teeth removed, did her mom go to the surgery, no. Did her mom come see her after the surgery, no! Everything that child has been through, medical issues addressed, orthodontic work, vision issues, glasses, and additional help in school have NOT been because of biomom, but because hubby and I. Unfortantely, I feel that being a step parent is a THANKLESS job and no matter what lengths you go to, there will never be appreciation for your efforts nor will you ever be acknowledged as the parent that went out of their way to make sure the child had what they needed!! Good Luck!! and Congratulations on the babies!

Anastacia - posted on 09/14/2009

You have a right to be hurt, and as hard as it can be (trust me I know) you can't take it personally. My step-daughter is 11 now. Same situation. I've been her life since she was 3 and help get her mother involved, and basically have raised her as my own. But also, being a victim of divorce and a psychology major, I understand the emotions young children go through. She didn't mean it towards you, it was her longing for her mother that brought about her emotions like that. Deep down she's wishing that her mom would be you. As she gets older she will begin to realize what you really mean to her, mine has, but there's still that in the back of her mind "you're not my mom". And I know she doesn't mean it to hurt me, although it does so very badly, she really is just longing for her mom to be a part of her life and the kind of mother I am. I'm sure it will get worse once the babies get here too. I too have twins, and a little boy, and I sometimes feel as if she resents them. She loves them, and me. It just takes a lot of reassuring and encouragement. A lot of positive reinforcement. Over and over again letting her know that she IS part of your family together and that she IS going to be a big sister. Including her more in the family discussions and decisions will help her as well. I believe that being a step-mom is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, even over parenting 3 toddlers at the same time. I think I've said probly too much already, but I hope it helped. I would love to talk to you more sometime if you want. My prayers go out to all step moms!

H.J - posted on 09/14/2009

You are not over reacting because of hormones maybe your reaction is heightened because of them. Just know that she does love you it may have been a very emotional time for her to see her mum and dad in the same place and also confusing if her mum and dad were getting along for her sake. Keep your chin up!

Kathy - posted on 09/14/2009

This to shall pass and there will be more when the twins come, she is a little girl that wants life to be the way she thinks it should.

My daughter talks about her father and I and we have never been together that she could remember because when she was born we were seperated, it is their fantasy.

Hurt you will b, your emotions are going crazy and you need to think about the twins and being who you have always been to your step-daughter.

Tanya - posted on 09/13/2009

Hi there,,,i can relate to this too,,,and noooo you are not over reaacting,,,,,, i have been step mum to 2 now teenage girls since they were 2 and 4 yo and have copped all the ur not my mum stuff too,,,,i have had them try and cause there father and i to break up, by going home to there mum telling fibs about how there stay was,,, because they want their mum and dad back to gether. I dont hold the girls resposible they are just kids who want their mum and dad together but it does hurt and when i think back on all the incidents i get very upset and hurt. but i know most of it was there mother putting ideas in there heads.
But they do grow up to realise what is done for them where,,, the youngst one (just 14) has recently decided that she would rather live with her father , the one that tried to teach her right from wrong when her mother just let her do what she wanted ! Just let her know you love her and are there for her ( as hard as it may be )and try not to hold resentment toward her for this. as for ur husband telling you well maybe it may have been in ur best interest for himnot to tell you but i know that i would rather my husband tell me then not , and you would of been wondering what was going on because it wouldnt have stopped in the drive home!

Amanda - posted on 09/13/2009

Wow- I can really relate to this. I have a similar situation- a step-daughter who I have been a parent to since she was 2 (My hubbie and I have been together for 10 years). There have been, and still occasionally are, times when my step-daughter has said things like that- things that made me feel unwanted or excluded as a parent, a mother. It always hurts, but I have found good ways to deal with it. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship with her. It is about the complicated issues a kid in that situation goes through- guilt, hurt, fear of betraying a parent, confusion about where everybody fits in, and so many others. Let her know that you feel for her- that you sympathize and are there for her. Let her know that you love her- and forgive her- and that loving you never means she has to love her mother any less. I think it is really awesome and important that her relationship with her mom is so important to you (because it is so important to her!) Hopefully her mother will get it together- in my experience this really makes things easier! Hang in there!

Megan - posted on 09/13/2009

I think you have a right to be hurt but I agree that it is something that your husband maybe should have kept to himself out of consideration for you given your emotional state.

Melissa - posted on 09/13/2009

For younger children, this is often a proble. It can be for old children too. I think the first thing was her father and biological mother ended up at a function together. She may have see the "could have been". Don't take it personally. It can be hurtful, but don't let that stand in your way of being a great MOM (My Other Mom). Being pregnant with twins and the hormones can't make it easier. Rinde out the storm and things will get better.

She just needs the time to understand that this is the way it is. And remember to not hold it against her.

Betty - posted on 09/13/2009

That's harsh. I'm surprised your husband told you about it. Just try to be happy for her because she clearly has a good relationship with her mom right now and that is wonderful.
I would be hurt if that happened to me too. Sometimes my SD will say hurtful things to me but it is always after a good visit with her mom so it's bittersweet.

[deleted account]

hell yea u have the rite to be upset! unfornately the chldren dont understand the work that happens behind the scenes. all we can hope is that when they are older they will understand and appreciate it

Amanda - posted on 09/12/2009

It definitely doesn't help to be pregnant and hear something like this! But I definitely agree with Molly, after all she had just seen her BM. And if her BM isn't around as often, she could feel hurt by that and she may think that it is because of the fact that her dad isn't with her mom anymore. I am sure she loves and appreciate you and she will more as she grows older and understands the situation better... but just put yourself in her shoes and think, "How would I feel?". She is still young and she probably misses having her mom around. It's good that you are the reason her mom comes around, when your SD sees that you are doing everything you can to give her more time with her BM, she will definitely turn around too... she is just still young, so things like this are sure to happen. But as she gets older it will fade. -- I haven't had to deal with this, as we are still struggling to get my stepdaughter, but I know it's inevitable.. so I try not to focus on it. I mean, no matter how hard we try... we can never be mom, right? But we can prove to them as they grow older that we do everything in our power to not be mom... but to be a provider that loves them unconditionally as if they were our own. One day she is going to hug you and tell you how much she appreciates you and how she is glad you married her daddy and made him a happy man. (:





Don't take things so personal love, you don't want to stress yourself out! And congrats on twins! (I am jealous!) I wish you all the luck in the world.

Jacinta - posted on 09/11/2009

i cant vouch for the fact if u r over reacting when u r pregnant coz i have not reached that stage as yet. but i can see where ur comming from in the sence that i have copped of my 11 yr old step daughter plenty of times in the past ur not the boss of me and/or ur not my mum so u cant tell me what to do and things like that. i can understand why u r hurt for and her mum isnt really much on the scene either. i have done so much fopr her of the past few years but she just realise it. and it is just so frustrationg in a way coz ur just a step ur not the actual parent. im sure that wen ur step-daughter is older she will relise just how much u have done for her just plz keep ur chin up n good luck. u feel as a parent u dnt get asppreciated by the child enough and that's normal. half the time my step kids dnt even appreciate their own father my partner. good luck with it all hope it goes well and just have fun and good luck also with ur 2 beautiful twins. hope i did help a bit.