Need some advise BM'S & SM'S

Desera - posted on 10/26/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )




Background: I met fiance in 2006, the kids were living with their Grandma. BM said she couldnt take care of them cuz she was griefing over her dads death. They continued to live with their Grandma cuz it was a better enviroment for the kids at the time since I was still in high school and working full time and Lucas worked construction and didnt come home at a decent time. We would take the kids every weekend during the day cuz they wouldnt sleep in any other bed than their own.The BM had very little contact with the boys.
In Dec of 2007 Grandma told both mom and dad that she was going back to school and one of them would have to take the kids. The BM said that she wanted to take them, Lucas didnt object because like I said he worked late I was still in school and working part time, he also thought that BM might actually step up and do her part. On Jan 11 2007 the BM got the kids. She lived 3 hours away from us so the first time we got to see the kids after she took them was Jan 26 2007, when we met her 15 min from our house. At that time Lucas gave her $250. After he gave her the money she told us that she forgot their clothes cuz she was staying at a frineds house and we would have to go buy them some, they also only had a jacket on and we live in Missouri so it was cold! So we wnet and spent amlost $300 on them some new clothes and a brand new winter coat. On Sunday Jan 27 2007 we dropped them off at her house with ALL the clothes and the coats. Tuesday Jan 29, Lucas gets a call from the BM stating that he needs to come get his kids asap and that they would be living with him cuz they wouldnt keep her house clean. So I leave work to go with him. We get there and once again the kids only have a jacket on and its snowing! We put the kids in the car and he asks her where their clothes are and their coat, she said she forgot it! The next day I skip school to take care of them and go shopping for them some clothes, I just bought a couple outfits cuz BM said she would bring all their clothes on Friday. I missed a whole week of school cuz we didnt have a babysitter. The weekend comes and goes and still have no clothes! we tried to call BM, she dosent answer, left many messages and she never calls back. So when I got paid I went and spent my whole check on them clothes. We had to by them everything! Finally My grandma decided to watch the kids for us, free of charge since this was kinda thrown on us all at once. The BM had no contact with the boys for the first 6 months we had them. Then one day she called my phone wanting to see the kids. So Lucas told her that she needed to take them everyother weekend, cuz my granmda had them more than us since we both worked weekends. Finally in June I quit my job so that they could be at home more. The mother never spaid Lucas child support and when we asked her to buy them things she would say I can't I have bills to pay.
In Aug of 2009, Lucas decided to get custody of the kids.We went to court, had lots of documentation, reciepts from when he would pay her CS and everything. The court wouldnt give him full custody cuz he isnt a US citizen. Him and the kids BM have joint custody with him having physical custody. The BM is supposed to take the kids everyother weekend and everyother holiday. The BM always made up excuses why she couldnt take the kids on her weekend, but then would post on fb and myspace( we were both friends with her) something completely different. Last halloween she was supposed to take then and she said that she couldnt because she couldnt handle walkin with them and her at the time 8 month old! So we kept them, then she was wanting us to prink out pictures of them dressed up for her. We told her no! And we stopped asking her if she wanted them on the holidays. If she didnt say anything the week before we made plans with them and they wouldnt go until we were done. Last Easter she didnt take them, she said she had to work but we found out that she just didnt want to take them cuz she wanted to go out of town with her friends. This past summer she was supposed to take them for a month and only ended up taking them for a week. In Aug 2010 we asked her to help buy the kids some clothes for school, she said she couldnt cuz she had to by here baby some diapers and she had bills. In Sept 2010 the kids went to BM's house for the weekend, she call me about 5 pm and said that we would have to feed them dinner cuz she was just n o feeding them lunch! I told LUcas about that and he called her and went off on here, she said that she didnt have nothing for them to eat and she couldnt get a ride to the store to get anything.( She had went out for dinner the night before, right next to the store!) The kids didnt eat for over 10 hours,she said they werent hungry anyways cuz they didnt tell her. So to change the subject she told Lucas she was gunna send him some money for the kids the next day. 2 weeks later still no money so Lucas told her that she wasnt taking them until she gave him some money. About a month ago BM posted on her fb that she was getting cable and internet, so Lucas asked her why she can pay for that but cant pay for the boys. All she could say was that her bf was paying for it not her. He told her that instead he should pay more on the bills so that she can send some money to help with the boys. She told him that HE would have to talk to her bf!! So he told her that she was no longer allowed to call the boys on the phone( she only called maybe 2 times a month and the whole phone call only lasted about 5 min). She has not talked to the kids in over a month and hasnt seen them in almost 3 months.

So my question is do u guys think that he made the right choices or what?


View replies by

Becki - posted on 11/06/2010




these children are better off without this woman in their life. stop calling her and asking her to pay for these kids, she never will. just hope if you ignore her she goes away and you two can raise the kids together. they will end up much better ppl as adults with you and your bf guiding them. having bm around will just mess them up. good luck

Ola - posted on 11/05/2010




Wow this story make me sad, and I agree your husband should tyr his best to take her legal rights, but in the meantime she is not exercising his rights so it may not be in papaer but basically its as if he has full custody already.. witht hat said I believe you should follow your court agreement the best yo your ability without putting the boys in danger,
you know she has issues so if she does want to see th ebos make it in your town at a designated place where the boys aren't soley depending on their mom. allow her to call to talk to the boys.. because the main thing is you want to maintain or atleast try to maintain a fostering relationship with th ebiological Mother.. because even if your husband gets her legals rights, she will still b eentitled to visitation.

good luck hun, I hope all works out.

Anna - posted on 11/05/2010




document everything in a diary down to the last detail. if it goes to court set the info out in a non complicated way to present to the court.

from what you've just stated i think you have a fab case to get full custody.

as for stripping her of her rights im kind of against that. dont get me wrong, i would happily have my BM stripped of her rights because she is a crap mum but thinking about it logically, she is the BM even though she doesnt act like it.

think ahead to when your SKs are old enough to understand all of this. if you strip BM of her rights then in the future she will say you stopped her from seeing them and then you'll be the bad guy. very frustrating i know but i have a thick file of court papers and statements made by BM and her family about how bad a child my SD is and when she starts asking questions we have proof to back up what we tell her.

i walked away from my relationship because of crap from BM and now hubby and i are trying again. BM has stopped us from seeing SD so we're not going to fight it because SD will only get crap from BM and we dont want to give her any excuse to give SD a hard time.

i really do feel for you and it makes my blood boil that the justice system does jack to help/protect children. i really do hope it goes your way, x

Chrissy - posted on 10/27/2010




UNBELIEVABLE!! I totally agree with Corynn, try and get her rights taken away from her. And if you can't, try and get her visitations supervised, you should have more than enough evidence for that She's not a mom, she's an egg donor! If she don't want them, then don't send them.

Desera - posted on 10/27/2010




When we get married next summer we r going to apply for him to get his citizenship. When he went to court he tried to take her rights but they said we had to prove her unfit and all that. Then after that weekend where she didnt feed them I called 12 different lawyers and they said that still wasnt enough to prove her unfit and that if I tried to get her rights it was gunna be a very long process and that he couldnt even guarentee that I could get her rights or that her rights would be taken away at all! I asked him why and he said it was cuz she was their mom! I told him that it was stupi cuz she dont want her kids ( during the first court process she stated to the attorney that was appointed to the kids that she didnt want them!!!!!!!)

[deleted account]

HELL YES!!! I would try to get your bf/hubby to get legal citizenship or something so you guys can get full custody!!! This is ridiculous! Their BM is neglecting them and abandoning them and she shouldn't have ANY rights to them at all!! It's not fair that this is going on to the kids or to you or your man... these are her kids too and if she can't give you any money to support them but can buy a whole bunch of other things then she doesn't deserve to have rights to those boys. Talk to a lawyer and try to get something worked out. This is bullshit. She must not care if she is not even fighting the fact that your man said she couldn't talk to the kids anymore... he should have full custody and her rights should be stripped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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