not on the same page with husband

[deleted account] ( 71 moms have responded )

i have 2 step-children--7 and 9 yr. old girls. their mom is WAY different from me in her parenting style...like a lot of others have stated, she lets them watch R-rated films, Sex and the City, etc. with her while allowing them to wear short skirts and make-up. these are just a few of the things we are not on the same page about.

to add to the picture, my husband, i feel, is more of a friend instead of a parent, especially to his oldest. with his oldest, he doesn't really discipline her, they team up on the younger sister, and it's as if he is afraid that he will hurt her if he stands up for what is right. of course, with seeing this, i am certainly not inclined to rattle the cage, because i will be the bad guy by everyone, including my husband. from what i have observed his oldest is very manipulative (like i have observed her mother being.) i do not know how to handle all this, as it gets me very upset and i have a hard time seeing where i fit into all of this and also how i can connect with his oldest.

he and i do not see eye-to-eye on many things and i see myself getting so irritated when they are at our house. i do not say anything sometimes and the resentment just builds and builds. i do not know how to get rid of these feelings when i am simply trying to look out for their best interests. i want them to be nice young ladies, however, i don't feel i get the support i need from my husband. he can't understand where i am coming from and i don't know how to get the message i need to him. we have a child on the way and i don't want it to be constant disagreement on how we parent our child and his children.

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[deleted account]

hi chantal, thanks for your post. yes, there is a reason he and his exwife divorced, but it is hard when i am able to see that there is always a motivation behind her actions. not to say she has not been genuinely nice @ times, but it is usually because she needs me to help her out with the kids. i am learning so much and being reminded of the positive future that lies ahead. i feel this baby is going to be such a blessing for everyone. thanks again..

Deborah - posted on 11/11/2008

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Rhondas , Be patient with the step-kids until the baby is born and then maybe you will come down to earth a bit!!

Danielle - posted on 11/11/2008

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I married mine because he's a sexy Irishman with a tendency to purchase my Guinness for me at the pub...

That bodes well for our futures! :D j/k

Chantal - posted on 11/11/2008

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I think everybody with stepkids are on the same page. Your husband and his ex separated for a reason,(keep telling yourself that) and it could very well be because of the whole parenting thing. Remember that they are his kids, and although you're his wife, they are ultimately the responsibility of his ex and him. I know how you feel, my stepsons are 10 and 12, and I've been with my husband for 6.5 years. Now that we have our own son, I understand how he feels when I criticize them, and I simply try to avoid the subject. Try not to let it get to you. You and he will parent your own child differently. Your husband probably feels guilty for not being there for his girls all the time (I know that's my husband's problem). Things will work out, you've married him for a reason! :)

[deleted account]

lucy, again, love the inspiration....despite cultural differences, love does always conquer all.

Lucy - posted on 11/11/2008

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In the part of the world where I stay is getting late so I say good night girls and keep going to the direction of love, peace and tranquility. When I get despondent I normally get depress for a short time, then I think, and look at the situation that I am in at the moment and try to look as a outsider, because often when we look from the other side the answers always comes easily. I often try to understand my son, my step-children and my husband I try to stand on their foot prints and see what would be the decision that I would make if I was them, and most of the time I get a easy feeling of understand, and the next day I wake up more positive and wiser to the situation, 80% of the times when I do this exercises works. So girls be patient, everything works out eventually, don’t worry too much now, you need peace in your heart, so your baby will be healthier.

What help me a lot when I was pregnant was my friends, they supported me in any way, was not easy to be pregnant from this man, who didn’t have enough time and understanding to odds me.

One day in our many arguments he said for me not put him against to the wall, he said don’t make me choose between you and my children, you will be disappointed, and from that day on I change my attitude, because I didn’t want to lose him, I thought he would be a good father to my son and he is. Was there and then that I realize that his love for his children was one kind of love the love he has for me is other type, years have pass, lots of bad water went under the bridge and very good moments and today after 18 yrs we are a happy family, I can say that today his own children are close to me than to him or they mother. I am the one who they spend Christmas with, I am the one who gets flower and visits on mother’s day and when they need anything, how to cook, how to fix or how to do something, I am the one who they look for, that means after few year of problems, arguments, fights, etc… today life is easy, we are friends, we respect each other. Today I can say they are my family and I do love all of them.

We have very different upbringing, I am Brazilian, my hubby is from Czech Republic, we meet and leave in South Africa, all the children were born here, so imagine, Brazilian, Czech learning to live here, was not a easy road. But today not everything is perfect, but is very good, I love to have birthdays, Christmas in this big family we are now 14 member of what I call the pically circus family, crazy at time, but always lots of laughter, joking and very loud family.

[deleted account]

thanks for your story, kindness, and inspiration, astrid. my dad left us when i was 6 so i never had attention from a man. i think this has a HUGE part in my hurts and pains with the marriage and quite frankly, at times seeing how loving and connected my husband is with his girls. at the same time, i am so happy to see a father being there for his children--it's a confusing situation! i am inspired by all of the comments here and that there IS hope...i know there is! i need to learn to accept the capability of my love for my step-children--this is a very strong point...i KNOW they didn't choose this situation--their parents did...

Astrid - posted on 11/11/2008

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Thanks for sharing all that with me Ronda and I think is great that you guys shared things like that b/c it helps understand why sometimes you do things the way you do. Let me tell you about me. My husband is a very successful man and he comes from a pretty wealthy family. His father was, yes was b/c he passed 16 years ago, he was a great father and husband. Always trying to pleased everyone and working like crazy to give his family what he thought they needed. His mother is this social life woman who is always living her life with the high class society people, but still a nice person. When my husband was growing up, he never had his mom to nurture him, he had nannies and maids. When he was in his twenties, he worked with his father and helped him with all his businesses. He remembers giving his father the mail with all the bills and stuff and seeing his father grabbing his forehead worried how he was going to pay for all these credit cards debts, done by his mother, etc. So his father was a very good provider but always working to provide, his mother was a spoiled brat always wanting more. What happened? Well, my husband's worst fear. Dad died at the age of 62 from a heart attack due to stress and Mom stills lives with the society crap, without a clue that her husband went through all that during all the years they were married. Incredible, ah! Anyway, one of the issues I had with my husband is that I was always complaining about why he is so cold with his daughter, why he is always thinking about the money, why he have to be so stingy with everything and why he could not be more loving when he is home, he is always working on the business and thinking about that. In the meantime, I grew up in a family were my oldest brother was always first and I always felt invisible. So you can imagine how hard was for me to deal with my husband's coldness. I still felt invisible and I didn't understand why. Well, after going to this couples workshop for a weekend, our lives change dramatically. I found out that my husband's childhood was not as pretty as he described and my needs came also from my childhood. We also learn how to communicate better through "The Intentional Dialogue" and is amazing. What I'm trying to say Ronda, is that there is always more, there is always something else that doesn't let you express or understand and when you find out what really is, is going to be much easier to deal with your frustrations and pains. I know is hard to explain everything b/c I would be writing forever but I hope you understand my message through my own personal story, I know is written kind of short but you can call me anytime and I can explain better. Hope this helps...Apy

[deleted account]

astrid, thank you--my husband and i have actually spoken about our childhoods before--we are still working on being able to talk about this emotional topic in how it has affected our marriage, adulthood, and parenting. i know my husband did not have all that great of an upbringing. his parents weren't as involved as he would have liked. he loves his parents now but i feel he is a little more leanient with his girls due to a combination of what he did not have and a little bit of guilt due to his divorce. what i try to get him to see is that his leaniency is not always in their best interest. this is a hard line to walk @ times.

Danielle - posted on 11/11/2008

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Ooh I like the aunt analogy. Maybe I'll get him to start calling me "Auntie Dani" lol!

Astrid brings up a good point in how your husband was raised. My own comes from a split family and was raised mostly by his grandparents over in Ireland while his mom was here in Baltimore with various boyfriends, and his other three brothers were with his dad and stepmother in Orlando. Very difficult situation. I think part of my husband's inability to discipline properly stems from not having it at all in his own life - where as I came from a solid family, older brother as a role model, christian home, private schools, and a lot of structure and monitored independence (amazing how parents can make you feel like you're independent and then you get older and realize how much control they really had on those situations!).

Danielle - posted on 11/11/2008

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I really love what you have to say, Lucy. Not because I *don't* love my stepson (he's an adorable bundle of energy and insanity!), but because when you realize you don't *have* to love them.. it becomes easier to love them. Kind of like *having* to eat broccoli as a kid was awful but as an adult when you can choose you suddenly find it's not so bad.. lol

My stepson is fantastic and full of love and sweetness for everyone. I think a lot of my exasperation with his discipline is that I haven't been around children much to begin with (I'm that girl in college who always said "kids, no way in hell!").. but now I'm so very much in love with my soon to be seen baby. That is making it easier to love him as well.

And yes Ronda you are showing more than me, no doubt. I still get away with not looking pregnant and I'm 20wks along now. In fact I'm banking on that in the upcoming job interviews I have - because who wants to hire someone who's gonna be out on maternity leave in 4 months? Hehe.

[deleted account]

hi lucy! thanks for your post--thank you very much....yes, i must embrace my love for my step-children....my heart in all this is to provide them guidance and structure--and thru these venues hope they see that it is all from love--not control. i KNOW they know i love them or else i wouldn't see them mimic the way i pray at dinner, etc. i was once told to love them and interract with them as if i were their aunt--i felt this was a great analogy. i have to keep reminding myself of this, though..

Astrid - posted on 11/11/2008

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I totally agree with your feelings Ronda and again I can feel how you feel b/c I've been in that position too. I'm sure you've already told your husband how you feel, so I'm not going to advise you that. But sometimes people react in a defensive way because of the way things are told. And I know that because I was one of them, I thought that by telling my husband that he was wrong or that I didn't agree about something, it was going to make a difference and I was wrong. Think about it, when you have something to discuss with your husband, how do you feel when he is not listening or he doesn't give you the importance of your feelings? Now, if you tell him something and you feel that he is putting himself on your shoes and listening and trying to understand, how do you feel? For me, it kinds of disarmed me and puts me in a more understanding position. Okay, having said that, what do you think if the next time you talk to your husband about this, first it has to be in a very tranquil environment, second look pretty, hee, hee, and third start by saying something positive to him about him, i'm sure that will grab his attention because he is thinking that you are planning on critizicing him and you're not. Then ask him how was his childhood for him, how were his parents with him and stay on that subject, then talk about your childhood and how you were raised, and what did you like best and did not like. I believe that once you have him in that understanding position he might see your concerns about parenting, because you are having his child and you want this child to grow with love and discipline and guidance, etc. Try that Ronda, I bet you can pull it off, I will be here cheering for you, ha. You go girl, you can do it.

Remember in your mind when you are talking...don't judge, don't critizice, just listen and try to understand why he does that, what happened in his past, etc...You will always get some positive agreement when you talk with love and compassion.
Apy

Lucy - posted on 11/11/2008

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And Ronda, don’t worry about the Deborah’s of life, there are there just to make you feel good about yourself, and see how bad you could became… You Danielle and Kim sounds like very nice people…

Lucy - posted on 11/11/2008

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Dear Ronda and Danielle, I know exactly what is happening to you, I been there, and believe me is not so easy. In my situation only got better when I accept that my step-children is not my responsibility, and I don't have to love then, now that you are expecting your own, you must be concern only with your own baby. I know sounds very hard, but you will never be able to love your step-children like you will love your own, and when your baby arrive your step-children will do anything to make your married life a difficult, no matter how good or bad they are. My husband was married twice before we got married 18 yrs ago, and he always said when step-children is involved even when they are babies they always going to try in to get between the two of you. I have 2 step-sons and 1 step-daughter, today they are all married, and two of them have their own children, my step-daughter has 1 boy and just remarried to a man with 2 children, the other day she ask me advise and said that how did I couple in the beginning. She is having a hard time to deal with the differences, but that is normal, with time you will learn to love in the way you can and accept each other needs, and sometimes you are going to hate each other, but you must keep going, as long you keep all together as family you will win. My son is 16 yrs old, and he loves his brothers and sister, he can talk bad about then, but if I say just anything negative about them the hell breaks loose, he gets very upset.

My hubby and I had many times endless arguments about the children, and even today still happens. Often he will say our son can do it, my other children could never have the something’s, and my answer to him is very simple; sorry my darling my son is the love of my life, you must forgive but I don’t know how to love your children the same way I love my own. And that chat him up very quickly.

Be strong, be loving, be truthful to yourself and try to make him understand how you feel, it’s not an embarrassment to feel insecure; he makes you feel this way.

[deleted account]

danielle, i am definitely showing a lot more than you--they also say smaller women don't feel the baby move as soon. i can't fit into my reg. clothes anymore and haven't been able to for quite some time now. maybe it's because of those BIG feet in me! i am in a doctoral program and can't wait to be in class while feeling kicks and punches!

Kim - posted on 11/11/2008

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mine always felt like butterflies (like when you're nervous) or gas bubbles.. really slight at first.. but watch after you eat.. a few minutes later.. enjoy it now ladies... not so fun or sweet in a few more months :)

Danielle - posted on 11/11/2008

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I've thought off and on for the past two weeks I may have felt baby move.. the one time I was sure it was the baby, it happened so often for an hour that I began to doubt it could be the baby.. not that I knew what else to blame the feeling on. I still haven't felt it for "certain" but I think it's the baby .. my husband says to wait a week or so longer and see if I keep feeling that feeling or if a new one develops. My baby is super-small for its age.. my doctor actually wasn't able to measure my uterus at my 15wk appt because it was so tiny still.. so he said it might be a bit later before I feel anything compared to usual.

They wanted to say I wasn't as far along as we thought.. but I told my Dr if I was the point they said.. that meant I would have conceived the baby AFTER I had a positive pregnancy test. Silly doctor.

[deleted account]

yes, the picture is kind of orange--i figure, this is my one shot so may as well go for it. a friend of mine showed me hers where she was able to see her son had her lips. the lips were seen in my ultrasound last week, but of course i couldn't see them. kim, that is so funny about the foot! what a funny discovery! i THINK i might have felt my little man move, but not sure....it was sort of a twinge, slight pain feeling???

Danielle - posted on 11/11/2008

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I think it was because the ultrasound was for a medical concern, not just a checkup. They probably don't want mother's seeing it in case of abnormalities that they should wait to hear from their OBs. But at the same time.. hormonally traumatizing, lol.

I was telling Ronda how creepy I think the 4D's are. My husband and I giggle when we see my pregnant friend's posting their 3D/4D ultrasounds on FB and Myspace.. little orange tinted aliens with squinty faces! I'll stick to my traditional B&W white-noise style.

[deleted account]

hmm, danielle, that is unique about the whole water bit....i was actually asked to empty my bladder before my session began. yeah, i too had the vaginal ultrasound @ about 6 weeks and one thing i saw clear was the heartbeat! i am just loving the miracle growing in me!

did the guy at the hospital explain why you couldn't see anything or hear the heartbeat? you have the right to report him if he in fact was performing unethically with you. sorry he had you upset....that's terrible!

Kim - posted on 11/11/2008

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:) is it a big foot stuck in your rib cage? One of my boys did that to me the entire pregnancy.. the nurse in the hospital told me she knew he did that.. she looked in the bassinet.. and he got his little (big) foot out of the blanket.. and had it wedged along the side of the glass crib.. thats how she knew! I had to have alot of ultrasounds during the last month of my last preg... and yes.. the internal ones are awful.. i was leaking.. bleeding.. needless to say.. i knew that was my last baby.. my body could not handle another 9 lb baby.. not to mention all 3 were early too and 9 lbs. It all works out in the end.. and it is so wonderful to see the baby, but it would be nice not to be thinking the entire time how much longer till you can go the bathroom.

[deleted account]

hi kim, i was telling danielle, too, that i plan on having a 4-D session where they also video the entire session. of course, this is not covered by insurance, but well worth it. you know, as much as the technology has come along, i STILL had no idea at times what i was looking at in the ultrasound last week. my husband could see it all! all i know is i saw that my baby is a boy and his BIG foot!! : )

Danielle - posted on 11/11/2008

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I've actually had two ultrasounds already - the first one the lady was so sweet and I got to see tons of different angles and the photo turned out lovely. That was at 8 1/2wks.

The second time I was sent in to check on some stomach cramping I'd been having to make sure baby was okay .. and the man who did it was very cold, short, and not helpful. He wouldn't let me see the monitor! Or even hear the heartbeat. I went by myself that time because the appt was at 10pm (it was a quickly scheduled one) and my hubby had to stay home with the stepson (it was our night for him). I cried the whole drive home...

Needless to say this next one will be a much better experience by default! I just hate that my hospital makes me drink all the water for an external ultrasound, yet most of what they do is intra-vaginal (really not a fun experience). I wish they'd pick one.. I'd be more prone to tolerate the intra-vaginal if I didn't have to drink 3 bottles of water for the appt for no real reason.. hehe.

[deleted account]

hi danielle, yeah, it is probably good to wait to see the sex--the day i found out, all of the other moms weren't able to see the sex due to their baby's position. i got lucky! i was also lucky b/c the radiologist performed an ultrasound, an OB/GYN in training took her turn, then a MD came in to perform the final one. i got to see a lot of my handsome little man! my husband was so surprised! you very well might have a girl, as my little man is the first boy with the ability to carry on the last name out of 7 children! all the other brothers have had girls! it can happen! promise! fingers crossed for you! hearing the heartbeat was, of course, wonderful--but when you see your baby moving around, its head, feet, etc.....it is SO awesome!! i can't wait to see his beautiful face in person!!

Deborah - posted on 11/11/2008

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I was thrilled to have two boys after my hubby has his two girls the first time around and now were one big happy family!! The girls spoiler their brothers rotton too!! They adore their nig sisters to death!!! We couldn't be more proud!!

Kim - posted on 11/11/2008

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Danielle, that is exciting.. i am amazed at the ultrasounds now.. every year they get more and more detailed. When i was preg w/my oldest .. he was 11 we could bring a vhs tape.. they slipped it in the machine and we could tape the whole thing.. then with the other 2 .. so much changed in liablities, etc... we couldn't do that.... We couldnt' even film in my room the first 12 hours with the last one.. i guess hospitals don't want to be liable. Keep us posted, those pics are amazing.. an exciting time for you all.

Danielle - posted on 11/11/2008

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In other news, I'm finally able to schedule my appt to find out the gender! My doctor's office protocol is to wait a bit longer than "allowed" just to make sure there's a better chance of accurate reading - which I didn't mind at all since we're having to pay a small out of pocket fee, silly insurance doesn't think needing to know the baby's gender is "important". Hmph.

I'm very much praying for a girl! But I've already prepared myself for a boy mentally since.. well.. there's only one girl born into my husband's side of the family in three generations. My husband was very supportive the other night and reminded me that just because we are having a boy does not automatically mean we will have the same issues we have with his son - after all, we'll be raising him! Not us, his mother, and his stepfather, and his insanely inappropriate preschool that lets them do anything! (chosen by the mother, of course).

Deborah - posted on 11/11/2008

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sorry Kim and when your married 20 years with two beautiful children and step chikldren then you shall see what I mean....this woman will benifit from deep needed counseling....................sorry if you don't like it..it is what it is...

[deleted account]

again, deborah....you seem to have a lot of anger--easy to find fault in others and nothing but grandiosity about yourself. you really haven't a clue--i suggest you go and get a life of your own and stop picking on others, which, speaking of juvenile, is quite juvenile. you have for some reason singled me out of all others who were commenting about their situations. not a good strategy when your goal was to try and "help" others. i won't be commenting back to you, anymore--it's a waste of time.

Deborah - posted on 11/11/2008

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Also Rhonda..another point, did you ever realize that when you married your husband you married his children from his firrt wife as well??? Wait intil that new baby comes then you will see! Get counseling or it will never work...

Kim - posted on 11/11/2008

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Holy crap.. seriously, deborah.. somehow you turned a supportive thread for someone needing some uplifting into a negative agenda.

[deleted account]

thank you, astrid...i appreciate your comments...the challenge i have is not with the children, as i am aware they are innocent in all of this...the problem lies with the challenge of having my husband see how important his role is in making all of this work. in other words, i feel it is his responsibility (he made the decision to remarry and bring a new woman into his kids lives) to ensure everyone is happy and included--and that means me too..

Astrid - posted on 11/11/2008

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Hi Ronda! I really can feel your pain with the way you expressed it and I am very sorry for what you are going through. I am also a step mom twice, ha. I was married before and he have a girl, now I am married again and he also have a girl, and I have two girls of mine, so you can imagine. But let me tell you something, when I started with my ex, his daughter was only 3 years old and she was imposible. By that time, my daughter was 8 and they were completely different. My daughter was shy and quiet and his was loud and demanding, so you can imagine. They hated each other for the longest time and every time his daughter came to spend the weekend, my house was a nightmare. He had also his way to raised this daughter and the mother was imposible. Today this girl is 19 years old and my daughter is 23 years old. They are truly, truly sister. They love each other so much that when you see them together you really think they are blood sisters. What I did Ronda was that since I could not battle with my husband and ex's way of raising their kid, I decided to have a separate relationship with her. And I began by winning her heart. Whatever she did that I was not approving of her, I sucked it up and didn't critized her, I just accepted her as she was and showed her my love 24/7. When I got her real love back I started to give her advises and I show her how valuable she was so she could start taking care of herself. Everyday I told her how important she was, how beautiful, how smart, how good she smells, how unique and when she did sometihing good, I motivated her a lot! Let me tell you, this is not a next day thing to do, this cost me years, but the rewards are incredible. To this day, this girl calls me Mom, her mother is one of my best of friends because of how greatful she is of me. I divorced her father, but she is still my daughter and when mothers day comes she always calls me ( because she lives in Puerto Rico and I live in Florida). Now to make the story funny and ironic too, my second daughter is from this ex-husband and she is exactly like my step daughter personality wise. So the positive side of the story is that it has been easier to raise my child because I already had a lot of practice, ha.

The bottom line is don't mix your relationship of the kids with your relationship with your husband, separate that and you will have less fights with him. At the end of the road your husband is going to see the effect you are causing on his kids and he will love you more for that and he will probably learn from you. The results are better when you show people by example and not by judging them or by criticism.

My other advise to you is to check the website of this wonderful therapist: rickbrown.org. He has the tools you need to save your marriage, your kids and most importantly, yourself. Good luck!
Apy

[deleted account]

Deborah, you have, can i say, an "odd" way of conveying your message. You are not the expert here, and you continue to make closed-minded remarks where it voids out anything else you have to say. The flow of this forum was just fine and dandy without your judgments, and yes, they are judgments. No need in wasting your time further--your comments couldn't be more inaccurate in what really is going on. I am not sure if you feel due to your age and "experience" that you feel inclined to be so rude, but I have enjoyed the conversation so far with Danielle, (who is 22)--very mature I might add, and Kim--who has been married for 12 years. Again, you are not the entitled expert here so I suggest you take your cut-throat comments elsewhere, as I am certainly not going to listen to your criticisms. To be honest, sounds like you might be the domineering one in your family--that's why all is "fine and dandy." Kim and Danielle, I will chat with you in another thread in hopes we don't continue to have this happen.

Deborah - posted on 11/11/2008

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If I have sounded harsh I apologize but I have been through this already ladies! I had my step-kids live with us off and on for 20 years and did the best I could. I had two newbrons come into the house during that time and things wored out just fine so I know pretty much what Im talking about. My husband was very supportive from the beginning! Their is no changing thses step children and you have to accept what live has handeled them before you came into their life Rhona! You say your a counselor?? Well then you should no better. They have had a life before you and you have to accpet that. Yes make your rules with your new live with them but you need to get that hubby of yours to counseling too as he will never change and this will just get worse when the new baby comes a long as well as the step-kids! Again there is no competition here..it is what it is and you have to accept what goes along with it or your fighting a losing battle dear! Im not saying let them walk all over you but once you realize that your husband did have a life before you came along then things wont be so stressful! Ladies..this is a post for everyone so if you want to chat in private I suggest that you e-mail or call each other................

[deleted account]

deborah, i have to say, your comments took me by surprise and seemed quite closed-minded. i am actually a counselor and i feel i try to be as well-rounded as possible. although i am a therapist, i am a human being at the end of the day with feelings, thoughts, desires, etc. all i am needing is a better-defined role in this family. i appreciate the support from kim and danielle, as they really affirmed the feelings i had about being in the difficult, and often unrewarding role as stepmom. i appreciate their attention, also, to the purpose of this forum. thanks again, ladies!!

Danielle - posted on 11/10/2008

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..and frankly, this post was more a conversation between us - a place to vent some of the frustrations we deal with daily. Not necessarily looking for criticism here. I know I was just babbling because it's nice to talk to someone who ISN'T my husband or mother about these things.

I think the whole idea of this thread was a place for us to vent to one another without having to worry about someone making smart-ass remarks such as those just made. My apologies if now I sound harsh, but it was a bit uncalled for... especially since Ronda and I actually rolled this thread over from a different one we had been posting in so you are not seeing the entirety of the conversation.

And in my opinion... if she is jealous, it's normal at this point. I get jealous of my stepson too. It's the being mature and not acting on it part that defines whether we are good stepmother's or not.

Kim - posted on 11/10/2008

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Whoa.. ouch.. sorry.. but that's a little bit harsh. I don't think she's being controlling at all.. she has a husband that is not very good at communicating and is pregnant. I remember being in that spot..it's hard enough to be pregnant, but then extra stress on top of it w/husband, step kids and ex-wife.. she's in a pretty vulnerable state right now. She's got alot of things going on and a big event to plan for.

Deborah - posted on 11/10/2008

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oh and by the way, I'm the step-mom of 2 older girls and we have two wonderful boys together. We have been married 20 years and my oldest step-daughter recentry got married and all of us sat at the head table at her wedding..yes all of us including her mother. Please seek coulseling dear you can do it all on your own believe me!!

Deborah - posted on 11/10/2008

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If your husband isn't giving you the support that you need you will never get it now unless you both go to counseling especially beofre this new baby comes!!! You will never be able to take the place of the girls mother and his ex-wife and the family they had before you. You need tostop being a control freak and get to counseling before it's to late!

[deleted account]

again, kim and danielle, great chatting with you...let's continue to chat on here when we can. please feel free anytime to voice your issues with being the most confusing role in the world...stepmom!

Danielle - posted on 11/10/2008

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Haha.. yes FB is the devil. I, however, am at work and just keep alt-tabbing between here and peachtree! Magic! Is there a way to add you two to my mom-circle or do you have to do a friend's add first? I will investigate...

Kim - posted on 11/10/2008

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yep.. we can.. but for now i need to get off fb.. ugh.. it has sucked me in today... one comes home in a few minutes.. and then they all follow and then activities tonight.. fun, fun! we'll catch up soon

[deleted account]

kim and danielle, i guess my biggest issue is to not allow emotion to get in the way of standing up for what's right. i get so angry for having to stand up in the first place! i appreciate y'all's comments, as i just need to remind myself to stand firm in what i believe in (without getting too emotional.) i hope we can continue to chat on here...stay tuned!!

Danielle - posted on 11/10/2008

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Huge agreement with Kim! Definitely YOUR family now. And when the girls are with you .. it's still YOUR family and they are a part of it. That doesn't mean her too.

I would probably have died if the exwife tried to give me something to have in the house for the baby. It's not her place to do that - unless she did something super small that was suitable (like a picture of my stepson in a big-brother frame of something).

I have to work very hard with my husband the OUR family concept. We keep things unified with her household somewhat for stability, but that doesn't make it one family. My husband's biggest problem (or rather my biggest issue with him!) is the ex-wife's daughter (his ex-stepdaughter). He was a stepdad to her for 3 years.. and was in her life for 5 years. As such, he stays involved with what's going on with her. So much so that when I moved in he had frames up in the living room of his son and the sister.. I had to remove these, I placed ONE frame of the son and his sister in his bedroom on his night stand - but I had to sit down with my husband and explain that it was my home now and their family wasn't a part of it. We were going to have our OWN sibling for his son and we would then put up photos of them together. (Imagine someone coming in and asking "Awe who are the kids?" and my having to say "My stepson and my husband's ex-wife's daughter"... mortifying. And yes.. it did happen..)

The exwife does try to have a huge say in some things that are our family matters - and nose in on our holidays. We had my stepson for Fourth of July weekend this year, and as an over night for Halloween - and both Holidays she insisted on seeing him for part of them for "pictures" of him and his sister.. I had to work fourth of July weekend so I wasn't involved in that - but Halloween I got very upset about. I could have picked my stepson up in the afternoon (I work 1/2 days on Fri) and had him home an dressed by the time daddy got off work. Instead he agreed to let her pick him up and dress him to get pictures - which meant we couldn't pick him up until 6pm.. and by the time we drove all the way home (1.5 hr drive) trick-or-treating was almost over. Ugh.

Kim - posted on 11/10/2008

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no, no.. don't feel sorry for her.. she can use that and put a wedge between you and hubby.. she can start attempting to confide in you about him, his family, etc...



first of all you have yourself and a baby on the way.. that is #1 priority... his kids and him second... do what you feel comfortable with.



Try and set a precedent (if hubby goes along w/it)..listen.. we've got things to do.. can you have the girls ready,etc.. if you need to touch base w/me.. such and such specific date and time work... treat it like a professional business realtionship.. would you talk to a boss like this/ treat them like this.. if not.. then it's a crossed boundry.



one thing i was told by one of the boys psychologist was to lower my expectations.. expects the kids to be late, expect them to be dirty, expect these things.. they when they happen i'm not disappointed.. and if for some reason they dont... well it's a little celebration.



If they ask, tell the girls you appreciate what their mommy did, but you already had something picked out/bought for your baby / had in mind, whatever... and as his mommy that's what you wanted to do, whatever... but keep that line there... you don't want her in your home... seriously.. you don't. She's not coming to his bday parties, or events... this is YOUR family now.

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