Step daughter cut all ties with her father becuz of me

Christie - posted on 10/29/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )

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4 years ago my husbands daughter cut all ties with him and moved in with her BM and said it was becuz of me. I still don't know what I did and probably never will. During these 4 years I've encouraged my husband to keep trying to establish a relationship with her. And he has by inviting her to meet him for lunches, come to the house when I am gone, etc but she won't. She told him to divorce me and then she will come back into his life. He told her that was not an option and she had stopped all communications with him. She would rely messages through her sister to give to him. Even though she lives and works in the same town he works in everyday.



Now about 4 months ago out of the blue she calls him and tells him she is late on her car loan and was wondering if he would help her. He asked me what to do and i just told him to follow his heart and that I would support whatever he decided to do. So, he decided to help her get caught up on her loan so the bank would not repo the car. She thanked him and has made no attempt to communicate with him since.



Through mutual friends he's heard that she moved in with a guy and is engaged. She is 21 now but still has nothing to do with him. She is his elddest child and he feels so bad that she's done this. I feel extremely guilty and wish I could do something. I do know her BM is a huge part of the problem and has filled her head up with lies. But when does she wake up and realize that her father loves her and me?



This has gone on for years and I am just so worried she will have a child and I know he will never get the meet his grandchild. He hasn't even met this man she is going to marry.



any help would be useful..



thanks

Christie

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Well if she made her choice, then that's her decision. I understand that you were told not to use your SS# to open any more accounts, but that is not what the FAFSA is for. Even if she had tried to use it to open a loan or something, she couldn't have done that just with your social security number. Maybe I have the inside track because I know all about student loans and FAFSA's so for me, I would have done it. I would have probably asked to do it with her or gone down to the office with her if I had any concerns, but that's just me.

I wasn't saying you are a horrible person for commenting on her mother. But even as bad as she is (and trust me, I've dealt with worse), you just never want to get caught saying something negative about a step childs parent. It's a lose/lose situation and she won't ever let you live it down.

I think you need to let her have her space. If she is being selfish and rude, then as an adult she either needs to stop or she needs to do things on her own. You're husband is right not to help her out financially until she treats you guys with respect.

Donna - posted on 10/31/2009

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Dear Christie,

I am in the same situation you are in. When I met my husband 27 years ago, he had 2 small daughters age 4 and 1,who had different mothers. The younger one he got custody of when she was 2, and I raised her as my own daughter. The older one lived with her BM until she was 14, then came to live with us. ( her choice, her decision). Her BM moved continually throughout her young life( 13 different schools between kindergarten and 8th grade) and really caused a lot of problems for me. She used her daughter as a pawn, she never came and talked to us directly, and underminded everything and anything I did or said, never checking with me to see why I may have set a rule or got upset with "our" daughter. To her I was a glorified babysitter in her daughter's life, and I had no right to say anything to her. I always felt that we should be co-parenting, considering I was with the girls 90% of the time. The BM thought I was meddling and should mind my own business. But!!! She never hesitated to call when she needed, me/us to help her with her daughter.



Anyway, my step daugher is now 31. She has had a difficult life and has been estranged from us on two occasions, one time when she moved out at 18 with her mother's help. ( tried to sneak around and move her out without telling us, but got caught in the act.) She blamed it on me, because I had rules and I made her pitch in around the house, and she had a curfew even though she was an "adult". Her BM never talked to me, encouraged her daughter to leave our house. No she didn't move in with her mother, she moved in with some "friends". We didn't see her again until she ended up pregnant, had a baby girl with a loser boyfriend, and needed a place to live because neither of them had a job. We took her in ( not the boyfriend) and for 2 1/2 years she lived with us while she got her life in order. I helped her get a job, helped her with our granddaughter, and supported her ( we never asked her to help out at all financially).

She finally moved into her own apartment and was doing really well. Then she met a guy and he moved in with her. Well, within 3 years she had distanced herself from us, and he had become very controling and little did we know, somewhat abusive. It all come to an end when he hit her at my husbands 50th birthday party and he got beat up. She said he was the victim and along with her BM agreeing with her, and blaming me because I was trying to help her understand that we were not the enemy. We have not seen her for over 2 years and she won't let us see your beautiful granddaughter anymore either.

Soooo, since your sd is now an "adult" is there anyway that you can commuicate with her and let her know you would like to work things out with her. It is hard, because I am sure her BM is behind the scenes like a pupet master, but if there is anyway you can communicate to her sd, either by letter, phone, email, etc.

I would think your husband would have something to say about the fact that she calls for help, he helps her, then she basiclly disapears again. That is so typical in these kinds of situations.

This 21 years old needs to know that if she isn't willing to work things out with you, there will be no more financial help. Your husband needs to stand up for you. You have been very supportive of your husband, but how supportive has he been for you? My husband never had the guts to do that until the final situation. It really upset me, because I was portrayed as the evil step mother even though I was the one carrying the wieght with both girls. We fought a lot and really, I am surprised our marriage lasted. We will be married 25 years. I always thought the BM wanted to see our marriage end, even though she was the one who left, and I didn't meet my husband until 3 years after they divorced. She hated me from very early on. Don't let it go that far.

Anyway, I have blabbed to much. I hope I helped a little bit, and if you want to "talk" more send me a message.

Good luck!

Donna

9 Comments

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MARIE - posted on 02/08/2016

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Coni,

I agree with you on all you said. I wanted to see what the FSFSA was about and how I could help her she however got very upset because I didn't give her SSN# plus she wouldn't give me the time of day to meet with each other so that I could see what everything was about. Yes, her father and I have completely left her alone. Every few weeks I do text her that I'm thinking of her and that I love her and miss her & that's it. I feel she should at least know that. As of now I can't do anything else for her beside wait and be there when she needs us.
Thank you Coni for caring enough to give some helpful advise I greatly appreciate it.

MARIE - posted on 02/02/2016

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Coni,

I didn't give her my ssn# for a few reasons:
1.) I asked her to see the paper work so I could read the fine print & feel comfortable with my SSN being used besides myself.
2.) She texts: Ít's all on the computer it's not a fricking paper application...
my response: ok then lets meet and show me what it is you need my ssn & then we can go from there. & what is with the attitude?
her response: well this one is free so if you don't believe me then you can look for yourself because I just want to fill this out in time before I graduate & have the money for school & I've been stressed out all day because of all this so I'm done.
her response to my questions of what is with the attitude? because your making me mad.
3.) her father & I took her to dinner Sunday to figure out what she needed SSN for & what we needed to do: she gets in the car without saying hi. She does nothing but give us an attitude. I bring up the financial aid & she say why are you brining this up I'm not using you guys I'm using my Grandma so whatever.
I was like ok but why wouldn't you wait for us to read everything instead of giving us a chance to go over it. She like you know what it doesn't matter its done. & so I asked her if you can put just your grandma then why couldn't you just use your father? She wanted nothing further to talk about the financial aid & continued to give us attitude. I was confused by everything all I asked was why couldn't we read the fine print??? that's all I wanted.
4.) reason for not giving her SSN
A.) my purse was stolen 5 years ago & I've had none stop accounts open & credit cards used.
B.) due to recent activity on my credit I've been asked to not open or use SSN for 6 months while accounts are under investigation.
C.) if step child would allow me to explain myself She would understand.
D.) I also wanted to make sure that this money was not a loan & be 100% as she said it's free.

She simply didn't want to hear anything we had to say... but, there's more she also text me MOM I want to get a bling bling tassel & keychain & this and that they take checks so I need it by such and such date. I'm like oh ok I'm MOM again when you need or want something. This child always uses people to get her way if she doesn't get the right answer she gets very angry & as she did to her mother disown you.

TO answer your question about her wanting a relationship with her Mother?
1.) I've tried for 8 years to bring her mother in her life. Her father has always allowed her to come see her but under the rules of you can come visit her here at our home or you may take her out to dinner but she isn't allowed to spend the night.
a.) she can't spend the night because her mother had multiple relationships coming in & out of homes and mother goes to bed with her partners while kids are pushed to the hall way to sleep. (this is why father doesn't allow child to stay the night) (this is why baby #2 father removed all ties with mother & told her she can visit only at our home)
b.) she wasn't allowed to go to mothers house because mom was being physical with children & so was boyfriend. (step daughter would cry & scream that she didn't want to go because her mom was hurting her)
c.)I've literally had to beg mother to come to her daughers birthday partys & school events she only attended 1 birthday party because I begged her & 2 school functions ever in her life.
d.) daughter to this day tells me my mom hates you and wants to punch you in the face. mother is always bashing me to step daughter. When mother wanted nothing to do with daughter. She would tell me that her mother told me here: I hope when you 16 you get pregnant & be miserable like I was. You're such a little B*&^%. I was like seriously she said this? she then showed be her face book page with all her mother told her. I then got really upset and said your mother is a piece of work. I knew I shouldn't have said anything but it happened I can't take it back it was my reaction to the situation & I was very pissed & yes completely wrong of me. I know & get it.

I'm not the perfect person & don't think any of us are. I did my best on helping my husband bring up his daughter the best way I knew how. Many of times I was the one caring for her while her dad was being a social butterfly. I love that kid. even after all the hurtful things she said to me & to her dad about me. I cried & cried. I also sent her this as my last text to her:

I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HATE ME. I'M SORRY FOR RUINING EVERYTHING. YOU IN MY HEART WILL ALWAYS BE MY BABY GIRL MY ONLY CHILD. I'M SORRY I FAILED YOU AND I'M SORRY OF ALL YOUR PAIN.. I WISH I NEVER MET YOUR DAD THEN YOU WOULD BE HAPPY. I'M SORRY IF YOU EVER NEED ME I'M HERE. I WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE BUT I NEEDED TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU BABY GIRL. I WILL NOT CALL TEXT OR COME SEE YOU AS YOU WISH. YOU ALWAYS MADE ME PROUD I KNOW YOU'LL BE GREAT & BEAUTFUL AT YOUR GRADUATION. I'M STILL VERY PROUD OF YOU. GOOD BYE BABY I LOVE YOU.

Her father & I haven't heard from her or her grandma since Sunday. I refuse to speak to her grandma as well because she always is tell my step daughter that my husband is the devil and that he's going to hell & that he needs to be saved by GOD. She (grandma) yelled at me once for getting upset when step daughter came home with cigarettes in her back pack. she said her mom told her to hold them for her. It's just dumb stuff that has happened that got bigger & bigger. I was upset & told grandma what kind of mother would allow her 8 year old child to hold her cigarettes? Grandma was all understanding and out of no where was like YOU DON"T KNOW WHAT IT"S LIKE TO BE A SINGLE MOM!!! I was like Nope but I care for a child that isn't even mine!!! We since then never had a relationship with each other. It's an all around negative relationship that my step daughter has dealt with I don't blame her for being upset at anyone but it sucks that I can't defend myself with all the crap mother tells. I can't change the past nor can I take back what I said. I don't even know how to fix it. I would be willing to have mother grandma daughter father all sit down & say sorrys & try to make a better life for her but I've tried before & mother wants nothing to do with us. Even though it's not about her it's about her daughter. So Coni as a step mom to step mom where would you go from here? Do you just leave her alone? Do you write her a letter & hope it doesn't get thrown away without being read. Do you go to the house & try to talk with her? Do you try to communicate with Grandma & see if we can clean the slate & try to fix the big fat snow ball? Father my husband even told his daughter if you want to disown me and never see or talk to me again fine then stop asking me for money. I don't think he did the right choice but that's how he feels I still want to be apart of her life & I want to be there for her at her prom & her graduation but she made her choice. What would you suggest now?

thank you,

Marie

[deleted account]

Why wouldn't you give your step-daughter your ss# for financial aid? You realize that the FAFSA requires all parents incomes to be included in order to process the paperwork, right? So the fact that you will not give it when you are a parent means you have ruined any chance for your step-daughter to apply for loans in her name or be able to receive any help with schooling. Are you paying for her college? Does your step-daughter have $50,000 sitting around in a bank account? If not, I can't figure out why you would refuse to do something that every other parent with college attending children has to do for basic paperwork. Are you punishing her for wanting a relationship with her mother at this point? I don't mean to sound accusatory but your version of things sounds very suspect. And the fact that you flat out called her mother a "piece of work" is not acceptable. And that's coming from a step-mom whose step-son really has a "piece of work" for a biological mother. But I would never tell him that because parents don't hurt children by insulting their biological parents.

[deleted account]

First of all, this isn't your fault. If you genuinely cannot remember having done anything to your step-child, then there's nothing you can do to fix it. If her biological mother is as deceptive as you hinted, then her daughter has likely learned the same manipulative and deceitful behaviors. The fact that she punished her FATHER and cut him off because she doesn't like you is a sign that she is incredibly immature and that she has learned unhealthy ways of trying to force people to do what she wants. The fact that she will not have a relationship with him until he divorces you is a sign that she is again, emotionally abusive and unhealthy. And the fact that she only calls when she needs something is the sign of spoiled, entitled and selfish person. It's awful to say, but your husband is probably lucky that his daughter isn't around. Just because we love our family doesn't mean that they are necessarily good for us.

MARIE - posted on 02/01/2016

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Christie,
I feel for you. My Husband and I recently got married after 10 years being together. He has his 17 year old daughter whom is now my Step Daughter. I've been with her since she was 5. Her mother lets just be nice has 4 kids from 4 different fathers. With that said she came in & out of our daughters life. She disowned her mother for awhile but she came back. The BM recently came back a better person because she went to aa & anger management so now shes the best mom every. however that BM never was there for here at school never helped her with her homework never cared to take her get stuff she needed. I have no children my husband and I just have her. Last night she got upset that I wouldn't give her my SSN for financial aid and now all of a sudden she is disowning her father and I. She blames him for her mother not being present in her life because he kept her from her mom. She hates me because I told her bluntly that her mom is a work of art and I'm tired of her being treated like poop and her mom coming in and out of her life whenever she wanted to.
Make a long story short I'm broken hearted frustrated and your story makes me see that it's just not me and there is others out there that are going through the same thing. I'm sorry I can't help you but sharing your story helps me understand that I'm not alone. Thank you for that. I wish you the best & hope everything works out.

Take care
Marie

Katrena - posted on 11/02/2009

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christie ,your husband sounds like he loves you very much ,and l think his daughter neds to realise that things didnt work out between the BM and him and she needs to deal with that ,and realise her dads happy again , l dont think l,d be bailing her out , if she doesnt want to try to restore the relationship with her dad and realise he too deserves to be happy,and you need to remember that its not your fault,cause it wouldnt have mattered whom he was with she would still have resentment

Nora - posted on 10/29/2009

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Christie, it sounds like you have been very supportive of your husband and stepdaughter's relationship and even tried to be the bigger person and cut yourself out of the picture by suggesting the two of them spend time together while you are not there. This is not your fault! Your stepdaughter obviously has a lot of growing up to do. Maybe she blames you for her parents' divorce or thinks if her BM is unhappy then your husband should be unhappy too... Your husband can't give up on her, but at the same time he can't let himself be used by her for money when it's convenient for her. Have him tell her how much it hurts him what she's doing this to your family. See if she'll come to counseling. She could begin sessions with just the two of them and eventually have you come along. Any effort on her behalf has to be completely voluntary as she is an adult. Just don't give up but don't beat yourself up about it. This is not your fault and you can't control what decisions she is going to make.

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