Stepson doesn't want to meet new half sister

Christine - posted on 11/30/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hi guys, and thank you for letting me participate in this group

My story is long and complicated, but the basic gist of it is:

I've been married to my husband for just over 2 years now. We have a soon-to-be 6 month old baby girl. My husband has a 6 1/2 son from a previous relationship.

He hasn't been able to see his son for about 18 months (we live in a different country) due to scheduling conflicts, money, the baby, etc. And, I have never met his DS. We are trying to plan a visit to see him next month, but now his DS is saying he doesn't want to meet the baby, he wants to see his dad, but not us (the baby, I don't think he really cares about me).

My DH is going to talk to his DS tomorrow on Skype, he is hoping that maybe he can make some sort of compromise with his son. Something like we spend a little time together all of us, and then the rest of the time the 2 of them do something together.

I have some concerns, as I'm worried DS may say something like he doesn't care, and then we go and he gets angry and upset because we are there and he wants to see his dad alone. Or he flat out says he doesn't want us there at all.

My husband doesn't want to push it on him as he feels that may do more damage than good. But I'm also worried that as his DS grows and gets older, it will become more and more difficult for us all to meet and become some sort of blended family. I am worried he will resist. I feel if it's always just him and his dad (and the ex), he will never accept his little sister and me, and it will only complicate things further.

Do you have any advice as to a good way to go about this? This whole thing has caused a lot of drama, and it would be nice to try and lay some of it to rest and move on.

Thanks in advance!

5 Comments

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Macaria - posted on 12/02/2015

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You are right about not letting him dictate the terms but he hasn't seen his father for a very long time. I think seeing his dad see him alone beforehand will better prepare him for meeting a ready made family that he hasn't been a part of so far. However, I would be interested to know the influence from the BM as well. That could be a big part of why this little boy is going back and forth in answering his dad's questions.

Christine - posted on 12/02/2015

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Oh, of course I would be there if and when he meets the baby. He has to see that I am a part of this too. I think he is a little confused and thinks his dad has 2 separate families, him mom and him and his dad, and then the baby, his dad and me. It's heartbreaking because of course I want him to want to meet me and to be friends with me, but I'm trying not to take it personally because I know he is just a child and doesn't understand.

Christine - posted on 12/02/2015

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Update:

He is on Skype now. Just heard the conversation. When DH asked if he could bring the baby SS got really excited and said yes, he wanted to meet her. DH said I would be coming too and SS said no, he doesn't want to meet me. He then went and asked his mother if the baby could come and she said yes. SS told DH that, and DH said okay, but my wife has to come too. And SS said why? And DH said because she doesn't know you and your mom and she wants to meet you and she wants to be with the baby as well. And DH said ok, so can everyone come, or do you just want me to come alone? And he said alone. And DH said ok, I will come alone this time, but next time everyone has to meet, ok? And he said, why? And DH said because that's what I want. I want everyone to be friends And SS said, well you have 2 famlies, and DH said yes, but I want us all to meet and be happy. And SS said, like one big family? And then they went on to talk about other things. They are still talking so we will see what happens.



It wasn't as straightfoward as that, but that's basically what was said.

Macaria - posted on 12/01/2015

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I think your husband's compromise sounds like a great idea. However, if his son is not willing to do that then it is probably best to let them have alone time. I know it is hurtful because the SS doesn't want to meet you or his half-sister. He is very little and doesn't have the emotional tools to process or explain how he feels. I just feel that pushing him into a meeting that he is opposed to may do more harm than good. He hasn't spent time with his dad in a long time and that is probably the only thing he cares about for this trip. This is just my opinion, I am in here because I struggle mostly with my emotions toward my SD. Good luck and let us know how the Skype session goes!

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